The Dutch Experience

Wassen-Knippen in Holland

This year was the first time I took vacation since I became Executive Senior Vice President of Human Resources aka Chief People Person. I spent 8 days in the Netherlands, aka Holland. Before I left, I locked the door of my office and took 6 cellphones and 13 batteries so that I could stay "au courant" with what's happening at the office.

Yes, I know that I have used aka twice.

Comrade Carl- "So what?"

Upon my return to work today, I found Comrade Carl Marks (our chief nerd) was sitting in my office. The 21 pictures of my dear old Dad, Pierre Elliot, had been replaced by pictures of Mister Joseph Stalin, Marshall Zhukov and Comrade Lazar Kaganovitz. "Don't worry, Gloria", sprouted Carl, "I know that you are back; I'm moving out. I just wanted to prove that I can do both your job and mine. I learnt that HR is not much when there is no one to fire or brainwash".

On the wall
Kaganovitz

As Carl was taking down his photos and removing his clutter from my desk, he told that "Holland is an interesting place. The ladies in De Wallen make more that most HR executives and work far less. And they are unionized to boot, which is something that one would expect from Sweden. And there is no private parking, Gloria. If you were Dutch, you would be driving a fucking bike to work, even in the winter."

 Marshall Zhukov on the wall

I asked Comrade Carl if he wanted to hear about my vacation. He said, "let me finish, Gloria, kibinimat".

"The joints in Holland are high quality. The joints are almost as good as the cheese. I think the government there has things right-if you can't beat it, tax it. Not like those stupid puritan two faced Americans who fight wars against the human lusts like drugs, sex, pleasure, sex and sex, and dump a president who pays a hooker a small fee to shut the fuck up."

I reminded Comrade Carl that he is American.

"So what, Gloria, you are Canadian and you are not a socialist. You screw the working class."

Then Comrade Carl kissed me on the forehead, took his gear and departed. "I missed you Gloria, but Miss Axe can do your job and she dresses very scantily, like many of those Russian, Ukrainian, Romanian and lovely gaunt Albanian women in De Wallen".

Back at work

Do tired nerds need mild drugs to improve engagement? - Or is this just Dummheit?

Dummheitt

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, recently explained why our latest software patch will be 9 months late. "In World War Two, there was a massive use by the German army of a very mild drug  called stuka-tabletten ; their troops fought for six days without sleep.  After topping up on Pervitin, most of our blokes could also work without sleep. However, if you look at the results of the war, I would not suggest emulating this practice. So we need to extend our timetable by a few months, a year at the most."

Our CFO, Mr Herr Krebbs who himself is German, said to Comrade Carl: "Hor auf! Vy you not stop talking about ze war, Comrade Carl. The Russian ekonomy is Scheisse. So focus on today unt get ze produkt out ze door. We need revenue. Ja. I am finished speaking."

Our CEO Stan barked at me, "Why did you recruit me a team like this? Comrade Carl is unbalanced and Mister Herr Krebbs is so.........German."!

Then Stan recomposed himself and stated, "I want to sum up this discussion. Clearly, our nerds have a finger up their ass; they are not working hard enough. Comrade Carl is a great leader but he has no followers. He is a false messiah perhaps, no doubt a tragic figure. The nerds appear lethargic; I see that that our engineers have too many somatic ailments from the data HR provides. Gloria, please run a health check on everyone over 30, to see if they can work for 18 hours straight, digest pizza at 2 am without getting constipated, and work as hard as hooker on Saturday evening. Then revert to us next meeting with this data. I think we need a clean sweep of our manpower; use a blockchain if needed".

Mister Herr Krebbs mumbled, "Dummheit" Stan bellowed, "speak English for Christ's sake, Mr Herr Krebbs."

How my Dad shaped my view of diversity

Were my views of diversity enabled by my German blockchain? Mais non! Dad shaped my views of diversity "daily", which is a word that I use quite a lot. But this time I mean it. Mais oui! 

My readers know that Dad sold insurance, and he often described his job as "I have a licence to steal".

My late father, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, was a mountain of man. As a matter of fact he was a legend in his own time. 

True, diversity wasn't a subject way back then, but dear old Dad constantly educated me vis a vis his diversity Welstanschauung, which is a French word followed by German word.

Dad was a white Canadian, white as a lily as a matter of fact. He never stepped into a house of worship, and in his will, he stated that no "man of the cloth" was to say a word about him when he "croaked". Dad told me once, "Gloria, anyone who tries to ram religion down your throat, stay away. I have never known one member of the clergy who isn't hiding some sordid secret. Christ, Gloria, some of the Popes were sexually active, if you know what I mean". Dad then added, "Gloria don't you dare ask me what sexually active means".

Dad had a way of grouping the Chinese and the Jews together. At first I didn't understand. In my class, I had Sharon Bernstein and Winston Wu, who didn't seem very similar to me. But Dad explained to me one winter night when we were stuck is a snowdrift waiting for the tow truck that "Jews and Chinese both value family, work hard, get good marks, and are shrewd in business. And you know what Gloria, they both like Chinese food". Dad also pointed out that there are far more Chinese than Jews. I have always valued data driven observations.

Dad never spoke directly about the gay community. But he often said to me, in a round about way, "Gloria, when people go into a room and close the door, they can do whatever the fuck they want. Live and let live Gloria". As an HR manager, I do believe in "live". On "let live" I am still a work in progress.

Dad was no fan of the Europeans, as a whole. The French got most of his disdain because of their lack of fierce resistance in World War Two. "Gloria, they all claimed to have been in the underground. That certainly was a big underground, for a country which caved in like a tower made of cards". 

The Germans, claimed Dad, need to be "watched closely", because "they stir up shit every so often".

As far as the Americans are concerned, Dad warned me that "they aren't all that worldly, and many of them have never been out of the state in which they were born, except for Las Vegas".

But Dad loved the Brits, even though he always, always mentioned that "Russian spies know every single thing that goes on in England. Did you know, Gloria, that the head of British counter Soviet intelligence was a Russian spy? Did I ever tell you that? Jesus H Christ, how stupid can you get?".

Dad must have said those words 4000 times, daily.

Anyway, Dad shaped my views on diversity.  Ultimately, I hired Hugh White, a white straight boy, to manage our diversity slash inclusion campaigns. This year, we are focusing on getting the illegal immigrants to learn some English.

Gender bias and the HR lady

When CEO Stan and I sat down for our weekly one on one, I immediately noticed that he had had a hard night. It appeared that last evening, Wifey had read an article about gender bias in hiring in some Toronto based newspaper. 

Wifey told Stan that one CEO had found himself in the slammer for claiming that pregnant women make good candidates, except for the fact that they are pregnant. 

"Stan", Wifey suggested, "meet with Gloria and ensure that you don't end up in the "calaboose". I don't want your name to be all over the front page because of your primitive biases. Do you understand me, Stanley"?

Stan told me even before I sat down that "gender bias needs to be eliminated. Right now." Then he added, "I just want to give you my brief guidelines."

Verbatim, meaning word by word, this is what Stan then said.

"Gloria, we all know that women make good HR managers and great admins. Apparently, this is not enough anymore. There is a jihad going on and I don't want to see you get slaughtered. On the other hand, I do not want to have our schedules delayed due to motherhood related issues, minor attacks of hysteria and overall nervousness. I also don't plan installing more mirrors in the toilet. Finally Gloria, jihads are fine, if you live in the Middle East or France, or Sweden. But I want our workplace run with functional pragmatism, diversity, openness and engagement. Maybe Merkel wants jihad; I don't".

Finally Stan said, "Strike a balance Gloria. Do the right thing. Perhaps hire a few pretty cadets with nice legs to work in my office for the summer".

On the way out of his office, I walked by Comrade Carl who was speaking to Ms Axe. "Cynthia, what a pretty lady you are. Heavens, if I woke up next to you, I wouldn't need to pop a Cipralex each day.``

Cynthia said, "Anything is better than working for that bitch Gloria".

Traveller assistance HR bot, blockchain based, now available in Asia and Australia

Whats in your tucker bag, Comrade?

Our chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks was on a customer visit to beyond the black stump in  Walawalawalawong Australia where he was arrested upon entry at Sydney Airport because he forgot to declare that he was wearing wooden shoes. Anyone who is everyone (and the opposite) knows that you are not allowed to bring wood into Australia.

To make things worse, Carl had some lice in his nostrils so the Australian cops shit their pants from happiness, Carl enabling them to meet their daily arrest quotas early, then go have a beer at 2 pm. "Off the to the clink, weirdo,  and welcome to Australia", said the cops as they put the not so jocund Comrade Carl in the cooler.

However, since I am the first lady of HR and way ahead of the pack, I had already deployed our emergency hotline bot for travellers, which set off an alarm the moment that Comrade Carl was handcuffed and hauled away, from an HR perspective. The hotline bot was aimed at extricating all travellers from their woes/ whinges within an hour or so, New York time. This is in alignment with our core value of "blockchain enhancement to make people happy".

Sadly, all software has its bugs, and our emergency blockchain dashboard indicated that Comrade Carl was in a Bangkok brothel without enough money for prophylactics. 

The Comrade’s bank account was accredited with 350 Thai baht, in Australian dollars. Immediately, an SMS was sent to the incarcerated Comrade asking him how satisfied he was with our agile service.

Here is the text message that I received.

"Yob tvoyiu mat, Gloria, you and your whole f—king HR department. Your helpline is as useless as tits on a bull. Get me out of the slammer now, kibinimat, or I will refuse to do my annual appraisals. By the way, the wine they serve in prison is very good. Love, Carl"

Blockchains are not perfect