9 Sanjays, all 14 Svetlanas, 6 Moshes and old de Villiers burst into my office along with Comrade Carl Marks, their boss and the unstable Head of R & D.
They sat down on the lovely carpet and started to chant- "We'll close the whole plantation without unlimited vacation". Notice the rhyme. They also demanded unlimited teletrabajo (working from home), more spicy food and better chopsticks on Chinese Food Day.
Of course, it is very difficult to catch me unprepared. But they did.
That very night, I invited the whole jama'a (gang) to a Chinese restaurant to announce our new unlimited perks plan. Each nerd was told to pay for what they ordered but that HR would transfer $5 to their salaries for the meal when Herr Krebbs our CFO oks this expense. Herr Krebbs is now in the Black Forest, looking for some cash.
Here is the new policy, word for word, as I announced it after the nerds placed their orders.
"We value the wellbeing of our nerds. We know that back in your homelands, you all lived a life of want. And we know how important Green Cards are.
We also know that unlimited paid vacation is great. In Romania, the government used to hand out free apartments. But there was no food. And few public toilets.
Starting today, any nerd who wants to go on vacation can do so. All he or she or it needs to be is take a laptop computer, keep the mobile phone on 24 hours a day, take customer calls, listen to the daily podcast HR Cares and tell their kids to shut up during conference calls. This offer expires at midnight.
The nerds stared throwing rice at me and chanting-Gloria-Gloria, you bring us Euphoria". That rhymes also.
It was 23.59 (11.59 pm) when my speech ended. At midnight, the nerds paid their bills, boarded their motorbikes and drove home.
Another day in the life of the first lady of HR.
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