Some organizations give HR a bad name. Firing 900 people by Zoom is neither global, or sustainable, or agile. Comrade Karl Marks, our chief nerd, told me that "compared to that fiasco, Gloria, you look like Sister Theresa", who was a famous kind- hearted nun.
Nevertheless, business partnership (salted with being a People Person) does require at times harsh measures, such as firing 900 people all at once. Thus, how do I reconcile (or align) this statement with my previous statement-in line with my core value of "aligning my statements"?
That's not very difficult to answer. It's all about context and method.
Had I been asked (or axed) how to carry out this task, I would have first celebrated "Pruning Day", in which all our nerds get a pair of scissors and trim the plants in our window sills as well as the garden on the roof of our building. After that, I would have hired a few of consultants (pro bono), who would ask nerds to conjure up what associations does "pruning" conjure as related to 1) words, 2) presentation's and 3) organizations.
Then, I would divide 900 nerds into three groups. That means 3 groups of 300. Claro? Each group would be allocated to one of three "pruning mentors", Mister Herr Krebbs our CFO; Hugh White, the white heterosexual who manages diversity, and Ms Cynthia Axe, our in-house downsizer.
Our pruning mentors would then prune each group down to zero in 30 days, fifteen of which would be retroactive. Oui.
Three pruning tools would be used-Whatsapp, Skype and Signal. These pruning tools would be used in spirts over a 24 hour period, to provide a degree of randomness.
Finally, each pruned nerd would get a handshake at the door by one of our C level executives: Comrade Karl, CEO Stan or yours truly.
HR is a not a science. It is an art. And the HR lady must be an artist par excellence, which are French words.
My Dad's best friend was Art Dupont.
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