A open post to OD vendors for 2013

Dear OD vendor,
As the financial year opens I have been bombarded with requests for work.
Here are the outlines by which we operate in "commissioning products" from OD vendors.
1-Stan and I beleieve in vendorless OD. For heaven sakes, is making the organization work not the job of HR?
Howver, there are exceptions.
2-All of our RFP's are reviewed by Procurement first, then passed over to Ms Cynthia Ax, who screens them for quality. Finally, I do a content review. I always hire 3 vendors per issue, so that competition between vendors drives performance and cost effectiveness.
3-All interventions must be wow. Wow means-laughing, smiling and "Glo, that was gr8?" after the session.
4-Interventions start at 1800 (6pm) and end at 1830. Interventions are comprenhesive and have action items. We strive for 5 action items (before tax).
5-Vendors should have a mid western accent; if they have tribal or exotic names, they should have a user friendly nick name. For example, Pierre should be Pete. Victorina Bella should be Vicky Bell. Allon should be Alan. Paco should be Frank. Frank should be Ernest.
6-Vendors should be aligned with HR. The HR logo should be on their handouts. They should thank me before and after a session.
7-Vendors should always explain the important of a work work work work  life balance.
8-Problems should be solved, not discussed, for heaven sake.
Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux.