Gloria Sherlock Ramsbottom and Recruitment

A wet Syrian passport Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, decided to hire 3 nerds immediately to debug the former version of our product since the new version is still 'pre embryonic'. Ms Cynthia Axe, our chief down-sizer, suddenly found herself with tasked with hiring, which is akin to the Pope being asked to run an abortion clinic, if you get my drift. However Ms Axe, fearful of her eroded reputation, wanted to avoid hiring mistakes and as such, each interview was taking over half an hour. Comrade Carl, under severe pressure, texted me to 'get Cynthia to move her white ass and expedite the hiring process, or I will hold your feet the fire Gloria. Don't fuck with me, Gloria.' Comrade Carl's anger problem is managed by a series of medications, some of which missing from the chemists' shelf. All of these events came as I was reading a  Sherlock Holmes novel as I have a date in six weeks with a detective. I wandered down near the room where Ms Axe was interviewing and 3 candidates were awaiting their interview. Axe was running 2 hours behind time. I went into the room where Ms Axe was preparing an excel sheet, comparing candidates. 'Axe' I exclaimed, 'hire the three candidates sitting outside. The first on the right is a refugee of the illegal ilk. He shall work in the parking lot. The one in the middle is an Israeli. He shall work with Comrade Carl's "AI-Bot Algorithm Team". The third is a jocund Dane. Hire her as well, and she will deal with customer anger issues. I imagine the names of the candidates are Said, Moshe and Maya, in that order.' Elementary my dear Axe Axe fell on her knees and kissed me hand. 'How did you know that Gloria? You are amazing. You appear to have the divine inspiration.' 'Elementary my dear Axe. Said has a wet Syrian passport in his pocket. Moshe is arguing with himself. Maya is happy and smiling although she is looking for a job'. As far as their names are concerned, I guessed.

Extreme political views at the work place-a practical guide for the HR lady

Trump needs a lobotomy

Diversity Chief Hugh White, the Caucasian  straight lad who runs Diversity, sent me a Whatsapp asking me what our policy is vis a vis (French) hiring staff (humans and bots) who are affiliated with Nazi neo Fascists. "I know this question is controversial, but the rank and file are in an uproar", claimed Hugh.

Of all the stupid questions I have been asked, this is not one of the more stupid ones. After re-reading a Sherlock Holmes story, remembering the use of induction, logic and having a posh English accent, I followed the following my logic and feline instinct. Voila-my thoughts.

• My Dad fought the Nazis and always told me they were an 'inhuman, evil lot, with a filthy ideology rotten to the core; they also reduced their own country to a pile of rubble in the end'.
• I had a Jewish girlfriend in high school, Sharon Bernstein, and we were closer that I was with my bitchy sister Claire.
• Stan, my boss and CEO who never speaks of politics, told me that Trump "needs to get his head examined; he needs a fucking lobotomy".
• And finally, out chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks, has a huge sign over his desk which reads 'Nazism sleeps poorly". Next to that sign is a picture of Marshall Zuhov, who I understand, was an American general who was very dominant in the fall of Nazism.

On the other hand, I do believe in training my staff to use their limited intelligence. So I send Hugh White a Whatsapp imploring him to 'use his common sense, whilst being sensitive to the winds of change." Whatsapp is the only way to convey important information.

I know what will guide Hugh's reasoning. He knows that we are a very tolerant organization. Only the HR team and CEO Stan speak English well. Our CFO is German; Herr Krebbs does speak English but he has a very zrtrrrong accent. And we have 343 illegal immigrants who work in our parking lot and cafeteria. No one in Engineering is too white and we have 582 mother tongues registered for out 400 nerds. 

Hugh just called me and asked if we

winds of change

can hire an anti-Fascist. 'Hugh' I told him grimly, 'you will never be the EVP of HR'!

Can a secretary do HR work?

Good advice from Comrade Carl

Yesterday, our air-conditioning was on the blink so I headed to a cafe (which is a French word) where I get a 80% discount and the air is as cool as a Danish cucumber in summer. 

Sitting in a booth was our chief nerd, Comrade Carl Marks, and  CEO Stan, who were discussing the 'build' of my down-sizer, Ms Cynthia Axe. Stan used the term 'brick shithouse'. However as I approached, they became more politically correct, and started gawking at my legs. 

'Come join us Gloria', suggested Stan. The comrade and I are discussing how to make HR more relevant to our business needs'. Stan then excused himself for a moment or two, in line with his key value of an enlarged prostate gland. 

Carl told me that the organization as we know it is crumbling, 'just like the nation states in the middle east. Jesus Gloria, no one thinks Iraq, Syria or Libya exist anymore except on CNN and BBC'. 

'What are you getting at, my dear Comrade Carl?', I asked naively.

Stan returned from having a leak. Comrade Carl continued,
'I was just telling Gloria that HR needs to align itself along the tribal lines of our staff. We need a white tight ass English speaking HR lady for Sales, an Indian lady for our IT department who speaks 38 dialects, and there is no need for any HR in R&D. My nerds come from countries where ladies have no respect and bosses (always men) deal with HR issues at the local level. I plan to hire a secretary to do all the manual tasks of HR, and take on the high level work on my own. I love you Gloria, but you needs to develop your career in data mining or hairdressing'.

The comrade then got up and said, I'm going out to smoke a joint;  then back to work. Gloria, you are a great gal. Please pay my tab; I have 4 doughnuts and a diet pepsi.

Built like a brick shithouse

Do Germans write perfect software?

Software as an art

Our CEO Stan's ire was indescribable when a trade magazine labelled our latest software release as "shabby and tatty piecework". The author of the article called for a "shake up "of our company at the highest levels.

Stan called a management meeting this morning; he opened the meeting asking me (as his senior business partner) "how many Germans work in R&D; I've heard that they write perfect software and their UX (user experience) is better than most sexual experiences because of Mentalitatsbrucken."

Before I could answer Stan (that we have only one German in our company, that being  CFO Herr Krebbs), our R&D chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks jumped into the discussion with vigour.

"Gentlemen and Gloria," he said. "if someone claims that they have never pissed in the pool, they have either never swam, or they are liars. No one writes perfect software. Not the Germans, not the Indians, not the sloppy Middle Easterners and not even the Swiss. Software is an art, and artists have style not only rigeur. Many so called bugs are indeed features". 

Stan our CEO, asked me what "riguer" meant, since I am Canadian. But Carl yelled at me "don't answer Gloria, I am in the middle of my explanation".

Stan bellowed, "Comrade Carl, I'm the one who gives the orders around here for Christ sake".

Comrade Carl retorted, "I know that Stan, but Friedrich Paulus lead the siege of Stalingrad, and where did that get him?"

We finished the meeting with an action item to celebrate Denmark Day twice a week, to lesson the tension in our senior team.

Just as we were adjourning, CFO Herr Krebbs said that whilst indeed Germans do not write perfect software, "ze company "cout (could) benefeet frrrom more discipline. Ja".

Sexual Harassment and the HR Lady

Dear old Dad

For the sake of my readers who may come from liberal democracies run by pushy women like me, I have put together my weltanschauung on the sexual harassment  issue based on input from my Dad, my boss and Comrade Carl Marks, the  chief nerd with an affinity for all things Russian. (Isn't that "w" word the cats' pyjamas! It's German!)

One's reaction to sexual harassment is heavily influenced by one's surroundings, if you ask me. And one's personal style plays a big part of how to deal with the men who hound you all day. I, for example, like to get a lot of mileage from the issues I deal with, from a power perspective. 

Dad told me from day one, "Gloria, men only want one thing; never forget that", I used to ask Dad what he meant and he would answer, "don't be a smart ass, Gloria. You know what the hell I mean". Of course I did! I may not read Descartes with my morning coffee, but I am not stupid.

At the beginning of this year, our CEO Stan called me in for a meeting "to provide you with some focus for your 2017 goals ". Stan told me that I need not "dot the I's and cross the T's, from a sexual harassment perspective." When I asked Stan what he meant, Stan told me he doesn't mind being sexually harassed by young Svetlana Grudovic (from the Bot team) and that as CEO, he wants to keep abreast of downsizer Ms Cynthia Axe.

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, told me that "sexual repression is the major enabler of poor software. We need to stop mimicking the puritan Americans and just go with the flow, kibinimat". Comrade Carl often lectures to his nerds, telling them that buying sex is cheaper than free sex, from the point of view of an economist.

Comrade Carl then added "Gloria, your legs are something else, but you are not my style. Find yourself a rich husband, or rich male bot and get the fuck out of HR."

I will present my "cut" on sexual harassment  at Oxford in my very first lecture, coming soon. I will lecture in Latin; an English translation will be provided.

Keeping abreast