The motivational monkey

Rent control

Herr Krebbs our new German CFO “zent” me a text which read, “Frau Ramsbottom, we haf no money to pay vendors for anozer munts (month) zo our Accounts Payable people are not happy. Ja! Please engage zem. Danke. Herr Krebbs".

Herr Krebbs is very formal, and his sense of humor is, let us say, yet to be observed at work.

Because I am busy texting my sister Claire is going through another divorce, I asked young Hugh White, the straight white boy who heads my Diversity Department to tell me what’s going in Accounts Payable. Hugh gathered the big data and sent me an email highlighting 3 points.

1) The 7 employees who process invoices (an analytic Frenchman named Pierre , a dour German named Hans, a self righteous and argumentative Israeli named Ben, and 4 ladies named Svetlana ) agree that Herr Krebbs’ is a “royal pain in the ass”. Herr Krebbs scored 6 points, on a five point scale.

2) With no money to pay vendors, the staff often “pondered the future whilst searching the internet for a job”, or visited dating sites, or both.

3) All staff agreed that were it not for HR partnership, the company would be up shit’s creek, with no paddle.

I read Hugh’s timid and benign  update and realized that the effort I had invested in developing young Hugh’s talent is, like my Dad used to say,  “pissing into the wind”.

I have decided to hire a motivational monkey who will visit Accounts Payable at lunch time, and sang a ditty  detailing what happens to the non engaged. 

The blockchain-aligned monkey will hand out T shirts with the slogan, “We don’t pay, so go away”, as well as  lighten up the mood by reciting our growth strategy for 2027.

The motivational monkey belongs to my landlord’s agile son. Rumor has it that my rent is being lowered over the next six months, in line with my core values of sustainability via lowering rent, for the next six months.

3 agile and sustainable principles of Change Management

Democracy or Idiocracy?

Change management is not rocket science.  Believe you me!

And if you manage to implement a few changes successfully focusing on user experience, you can join the inner circle of decision makers ensuring that your ass remains on the right side of the bow and arrow, as my Dad used to say.

Dad (Pierre Elliot) tended to be graphic at times.

I have implemented 2743 reorganizations in the last 5 years, all of which moved us closer to achieving our goals, so to speak. I say “so to speak” because we have not yet achieved our goals.

Last week, Comrade Carl Marks (our chief nerd) and I were having lunch, discussing CEO Stan's hemorrhoids and change management. 
The inebriated Comrade questioned the wisdom of the west having assisted in knocking off  Qaddafi. “Gloria,” said Comrade Carl, “any change manager would have been smarter than Obama and the naïve Europeans. Libya turned into a 3^rd world shit hole, run by 3 competing parallel militias after Qaddafi was ousted, just because a bunch of French and American tree huggers wanted to develop democracy in the desert, kibinimat” 

When Carl finished his diatribe, dessert arrived. And whilst (British term) I did not follow  Comrade Carl's observations on change management because I was texting my sister, I did remember my three major guidelines vis a vis (French) managing complex change.

•      Be involved in everything and own nothing. (driver-less HR)
•      Make sure that that there is someone to blame. (Our German CFO always says, I am not bplaming anyone, it is tsjust vat ze numbers are zaying")
•    Honour the term “alignment” that your days will be long upon the Earth.

Big data hails new dawn of HR

Gloria and Miss Axe
On-boarding crew

This quarter we recruited and on-boarded 4 nerds to support a new product release (called al Fajr al-Jadid, or New Dawn) which is in its pre-embryonic phase. These nerdish engineers speak the tribal languages of our 3rd world clients who bought the product.

These fresh nerds have been recruited at a cut throat price, in line with our core values of recruiting nerds at a cut throat price. 

HR made every attempt to hire and on-board these lads and lassies in 4 hours. In line with my core values of sharing success stories, I am sharing with my readers how we pulled it off.

At 0900 Comrade Carl Marks checked the ability of each nerd to understand unclear specs and push back against client intervention in managing schedules. Understanding of Russian swearing was also factored in to the interview process, as it were.

At 0939, Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs diversity, checked the skin color of each nerd, and put them in a technology-powered chair which checks sexual orientation and lists physical liabilities, using 3 tons of big data.

At 1002, Miss Cynthia Axe interviewed each nerd to register their preferred method of severance. Some chose to get termination via sms and others preferred to hear a rumor about severance and quit on their own.

At 1020, our German CFO Herr Krebbs checked their level of discipline unt order. 

At 1029, each candidate had an interview with me to ensure their absolute alignment with the meaning of HR business partnership, and their ability to grovel.

We welcome Sanjay, Sanjay, Svetlana and Svetlana to our team! 

Hugh White and new technology

Herr Krebbs speaks out

21st century Carl

The CEO of one of our remaining key clients appeared before our senior leadership team today by video. The client CEO had grey hair, white skin and spoke perfect English, which made us worry.
He claimed that not only did our new product not function to spec, but it also caused a decrease in his revenues! "You all better shape up, or I will ruin you", was how the apparently  vexed CEO ended his comments, which was non wow if you ask me.

CEO Stan thanked the client for his "useful input" and the client dropped off the line. Stan texted me "I wish I had seen that free webinar you had offered me on anger management".

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, asked for permission to "retort to the clients' bigoted claims" . Stan nodded in agreement and Carl took out a megaphone, always a dangerous sign. 

                                           

Denmark Room 

                                              

"This client needs to move into the 21st century. In the 20th century, what you saw is what you got; in the 21st century this is no longer the case".

Stan muttered under his breath, "Fucking Comrade Carl has flipped out again". And Comrade Carl continued. "This client thinks like an American or European post modern aristocrat who  worries about customer satisfaction, user experience and other bourgeois accouterments. This is passe, kibinimat. Our product is a pearl; both our hardware and software platform serve as a launch pad for inter-operability, cloud integration and the internet of things".

Comrade Carl then took out a flask of brandy and downed it. I noticed that Carl had used two French words, passe and accouterments.

The comrade finished off his rant saying, "Ask anyone who lives in Iran, Israel, Yemen, Iraq or China. What you DON'T see is what you get. That is the axiom of the 21st century. I call for new elections to replace primitive CEOs at the client base.  Spasiba". Then Carl sat down and smiled.

Herr Krebbs, our new CFO, said, "Komrad Karl, ve vont get anyver vit zis emotional aprrrrroach. Can ve look at ze facts? How many bugs do ve haf? Vat are de priorities to fixing dem? Please, ve need more infomazzzon".

Stan called out me me, "Christ Gloria, what the hell has Herr Krebbs just said? I can't understand a fucking word".

In the last 5 minutes of our meeting in order to cheer things up which is HR's role, I told the leadership team that the cafeteria will be renamed the "Denmark Dining Room", so that all nerds will be happy at least when they down their food. 
I also promised to show a free webinar to all our nerds on "Titillating Spoiled Clients who Buy Emerging  Technology". The webinar is provided by a vendor currently learning English. 

I am disclosing a secret-we have a uber CFO

My new peer is Herr Krebbs

I admit it! Fearing a disaster, I hid some information from my readers. One month ago, we hired a uber CFO and I did not disclose this. Now that things are ok, and in line with my core values of functional transparency, I will bring you all up to speed on this very positive development.

Herr Alfred Krebbs joined our dream team and has a seat at the table next to me; Herr Krebbs is a German who has relocated to the States for a period of three years in line with our core values of US based globalism. 
On arrival, the ladies of HR presented him with a American flag and a baseball cap. CEO Stan welcomed Krebbs with a terse statement-"take care of the banks, Krebbs-confuse them with facts-that's why I hired you".

Herr Krebbs is also a peer of Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, whose hobby/fetish is reading books about the Battle of Stalingrad.
CEO Stan manages Herr Krebbs directly;  Stan is already "still having problems with his European mentality and accent", to quote Stan.

Today I submitted a report by text to Stan about Herr Krebbs' on-boarding, in line with my core value of data free performance appraisal. 

Herr Krebbs had worked (verked) in a Danish company, but left because "everyone was too happy. You cannot mix verk and pleasure", Krebbs told me laconically.

I have noticed that Herr Krebbs appears to be driven for a desire for a huge amount of detail. "Ve cannot make desizions zis vay", said Herr Krebbs, referring to Comrade Carl's hallucinatory  sales forecast; Carl believes that "great products sell themselves, and our product is a pearl despite falling sales". 

Herr Krebbs is also quite practical- "Komrade Karl is a looz kannon, Fräulein Ramsbottom. Fvy don't you arrange zom help for him?" I also noted that Herr Krebbs' office is very neat and when he answers the phone, he says, "Krebbs", which appears to me to be a German tribal tradition.

Krebbs and Comrade Carl Marks have had one run in. It happened when Krebbs noticed the picture of Marshall Zhukov on the eccentric comrade's desk. "Zis is unaczeptable. He is a Wahnsinnege."