Re-branding HR for 2019

Focus on service delivery

I am never one to be surprised. Mais non.

I am fully aware of the fact that 2019 is soon upon us. Social media is choc-a-bloc with half cooked, data driven ideas about how to make HR better. Many of these  ideas are very impractical, liberal and non sustainable. I need to do better than that to justify my position as first lady of HR.

In line with my core values of staying ahead of the pack, I am re shuffling my department as of today to better align with 2019, from an HR perspective.

I have abolished the role of Early Bird Retirement Manager. Miss Cynthia Axe, who used to fill this role will be re-branded as Severance Delivery Project Manager. Her everyday tasks remain the same, but she will get a new Samsung 9 and 3 new scalpels. She will also be measured by user experience.

Hugh White, the white straight boy who heads diversity, will get an entirely new role. This came about after his wife, the Ukrainian born Comrade Ludmilla White, called to tell me that Hugh will  "quit his miserable job and open a dry cleaning business unless he gets a raise". As a result, and without bending in the face of adversity, I am pleased to announce that Hugh White has been appointed as Head of Diversity and Inclusion; his salary will be paid in Danish currency to keep him happy. And Hugh will get a new Nokia, the pinnacle of privilege, so to speak.

My title remains the same, Executive Senior Vice President of HR and Chief People Officer; some things need never change.

No dry cleaning for Hugh

How HR can best partner with consultants to create Artificial Intelligence

Creating Artificial Intelligence

Recently we (the royal we) commissioned a consultant to deal with the lack of engagement with the Class 4 Nerds. This refers to a nerd from a non English speaking country who gets his green card, and starts to show lack of respect for our company in general and the ladies of HR in particular.

In the tender I issued for the consultant, we had 40,8974 bids, which must say someone about market conditions. My team reviewed each bid for 2 seconds, and brought to me the final 5 candidates for consideration.

This weekend I spent time with my sister, who is undergoing her 4th divorce in as many months. Whilst dealing with her hysterics and helping her pack her tucker bag, I chose the consultant with whom I  (we) will work.

I used the following big data-based decision criteria to chose the vendor. 

1-Slavish loyalty

2-Abject poverty

3-Over 50 and plump

4-In possession of ready made tool kits

5-Understands broken English

The consultant was elated when chosen, and I asked that the synergy created by the project be transferred into Artificial Intelligence and Big Data at no extra price! 

As my Dad used to say, "what a deal, Lucille"!

The Five Heavenly Pearls of HR Wisdom

5

In the framework of digital detox that I recently underwent guided by a French guru ,  I read a book. Mais oui! I am tingling with a feeling a global diversity because the author of the book is Chinese. 

I fell asleep mystified by the Orient and dreamt that the 5 heavenly pearls of wisdom had fell onto my crown. (In the dream, I had been crowned the first lady of HR for the entire world, including Denmark)

Each pearl was stuffed full of 25% data and 80% wisdom, if my math is right. These 5 pearls all together give me the path to ultimate wisdom, from an HR perspective.

The first pearl is call the "Pearl of Blame", meaning that for all things, someone needs to bite the bullet.

The second pearl is the "Pearl of Process", meaning that human behaviour can and must be regulated by business processes, under the benign auspices of HR.

The 3rd pearl is the "Pearl of Data", meaning that all intuition needs to be backed up with the "shtempaleh" (official stamp) of data.

The 4th pearl is the "Pearl of Diversity and Inclusion", meaning that I need to get rid of Hugh White as head of Diversity because he is straight and white.

The 5th pearl of the "Pearl of Yearly Performance Appraisal", because nothing, not even AI  bots driven by big data, can hold a candle to Performance Appraisal by giving HR so much power.

Hugh White is the straight white boy who runs diversity

Guns in the workplace

Be prepared

The white heterosexual boy who runs our Diversity Program, Hugh White, suggested that guns should be banned from the work place. Hugh noted in an email sent "to all" saying "whilst I have not seen a gun as of late, we need to be prudent in these turbulent times".

From an HR perspective, I see no reasons for guns at work. After all, HR does have other control mechanisms such as policies, procedures and the HR ERP model, which limits access to the toilet unless you remember your 13 letter password containing 2 digits and a letter from the Greek alphabet.

So I wrote an email to Hugh, ccing "all", that I agree with his proposal. I also castigated Hugh for using email. Whatsapp is now our preferred venue of communication, venue being a French word.

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd and big data guru, stormed into my office. He was livid and brewing with ire, which means he was angry. (So many people who read this blog don't know English all that well). The comrade bellowed at me, "Gloria you are out of your mind."

That sentence caught my attention, so I listened to what Comrade Carl continued to say.

"Kibinimat Gloria, the west is coming apart. The Brits are re-grouping to re-initiate their empire, every second man/woman with his camel, iPhone and goats are leaving the Mid East for guilt-driven Germany and or liberal Sweden, the American political system has generated a lady and a fascist to run for president, our unappreciative clients do not appreciate the sophisticated features of our last software release, sales are down and you suggest not bringing guns to work?"

I asked the dear Comrade how guns would help. After all, I am Canadian born and Dad managed to discipline me without a gun.

"Gloria, we are heading back to tribalism. This tribalism has ramifications for HR as well, if you think about it. If I were you, I would start hiring people who can defend themselves against HR tyranny and put clients in the place. Think about it Gloria, user experience is liberal nonsense."

More than ever, I am sure that vodka should not be consumed with anti depressants.

Vodka and anti-depressants

Parasites and the Ecosystem of Emerging Technology

Comrade Carl Marks

Comrade Carl Marks addressed the nerds from the Big Data and Internet of Things teams in the framework of our Leadership Academy, which uses internal leaders to foster management talent. This saves the costs of external vendors who always challenge HR's thought leadership.

Comrade Carl invited me and our CFO Herr Krebbs to attend, in line with our core values of "keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

The comrade lectured on "Parasites and Eco System of Emerging Technology";  200 of the 300 nerds were texting (to their tribal homelands)  on there two mobile phones during the Comrade's talk.

The comrade's talk took 3 hours, and I will distill what he said below, in line with my key value of being brief in order not to loose attention of my readers, many of whom do not speak English as a first language.

"Boys, I have told you before that purchased sex is cheaper than free sex, yet I have noticed that some of your are getting married. Don't come  running to me for a pay raise. Look at Gloria from HR, we all know that HR prefers phony engagement plans over salary increases."

"In order to understand the ecosystem of emerging technology, think of a beautiful horse: proud, muscular and exquisite. Then, imagine that the horse has taken a dump. And imagine the flies hovering near the horses' arse and the dump. 

In this metaphor, the horse is the developer. This developer exists in a ecosystem. 

The dump is Finance. Who gives a shit about money as long as we get paid our salaries, kibinimat. And the flies are both our clients and HR, both of whom live off our excretions, as  it were. 

To be honest, the clients are preferable to HR because they pay us!

In you ask me, the CFO and the ladies of HR need to provide nerds with user experience, not hover like parasites, kibinimat."

Herr Krebbs our CFO, who was sitting next to me, said that "in Germany, zpeaking like zis in a lecture iz unacceptable. And he has no data to back up vat he is zaying".

My Dad Pierre Elliot told me that when he was in lectures in the RCAF (Royal Canadian Air Force), he slept half the time. Yet I did notice that some of the nerds who understood English were awake as Carl ended his talk by saying, "Gloria, thanks for coming; what a lovely pair of stems you have. Le hayim and bunden i vejret eller resten i håret."