Skills gaps in HR

La  pénurie de compétences-that's French

Dear readers, who re-tweet me and who don't!

My dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, constantly told me to be prepared: "you don't want to be caught with you pants down, do you Gloria". 

Dad was referring to a spelling exam in French which I failed because I had planned to cram and the exam was administered a day early. (I speak French very well but most French words are hard to spell, because the French throw in a lot of useless letters which are not pronounced).

Last week, I was visiting one of our remote offices, and happened to be located in a bomb shelter, where people have do not time to hate HR. Despite my being deep underground, I took part in a management conference call, during which I was asked about the "skill gap" in HR. Surprisingly, it was the Chairman of the Board who put me on the spot, as it were, with this prying and semi wow question.

In line with my core value of self preservation and pragmatic honesty, there are indeed skill gaps in my team that I need to address.

Hugh White, the white heterosexual boy who runs Diversity, does not appear to have a full deck of cards between his white ears. Besides his shameful skin colour, he also provides far too much irrelevant data about sexual preference and the value of "other" disabilities. Hugh provides lots of data, but none of it is big.

Cynthia Axe, my downsizing diva, has severe drawbacks. She speaks English only, whilst the nerds that she fires speak a myriad (not a French word) of languages. Axe lack a humane approach to her profession. When I asked her if she cannot be a bit nicer to people, Cynthia Axe said to me: "decide what the fuck you want from me, Gloria". Then she went home for a week, leaving me to do her grisly job.

I have no lack of skills that I can think of. I text quickly, I turn around a problem on a dime, I speak French and I am a thought leader. (I also dress impeccably).

Perhaps were I have more technical skills, I could manage R&D.

No salary increases does not lead to low morale! Mais non!

Salaries and engagement  have nothing in common-mais non!

Dear Readers,

First of all, a special thank you to the many people whose native language is not English who manage to read my blog, despite my sophisticated use of the English language.

Did I tell you that I sell university accreditation for English language courses; for each blog of mine that you read, you gets 3 points at most diploma mills where my "Basic HR" class is taught. Email me for more details.

Each year in September, we  have salary reviews and increases; for the last 6 years, however, this has not been "fully routinized" and in some cases, people may have been downsized and rehired at a lower salary due to administrative misunderstandings*. 

CEO Stan has asked me to prepare a "supporting strategy" following the decision to leave salaries at their present rate this year. In line with my core value of obedience, I DO have a plan which I have prepared, and I will present it providing that CEO Stan gives me a discrete spot bonus.

On the same day when we announce our plan to maintain salaries at the present competitive rate, all employees will attend a picnic on our company lawn, coupled with a working lunch devoted to career planning. 

Mr Cynthia Axe will attend the picnic. Whilst wearing shorts and other appropriate attire, she will nonetheless open a recruitment fair for her Early Bird Retirement Plan for any employee who wants to "share" his or her thoughts on our "no increases for the company's good" policy.

FYI-Employees will bring their own lunch to this picnic. Diversity Chief Huge White will also give a lecture on Stress, Work-Life Balance and Sex Drive.

For those high performing employees who demand more money and threaten to quit, I will "cool the mark" .

How's that for a strategy! Mais oui.

Gloria

*דובר צה"ל בודק את האירוע

Words mean a lot to a girl, even if she is in HR.

July index

"Words can win your heart, Gloria. Make sure you find a partner who is eloquent." This was advice given to me by my Dad, the late Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom.

Well I have yet to find a beau (French), but words do mean a lot to me, especially HR slogans.

So, here is the June HR Management Slogan Usage Index, measuring the use of critical slogans promoted by HR business partnership:

"Big data" up 878% on heavy trading. (Our CEO thinks that big data may save his career in the next Board meeting).`

`A people company`` down 123%! People day was cancelled due to anger management issues of a very senior executive whose name starts with S. 

``Hire Train and Retrain`` down 30,000% for almost no reason whatsoever. Ms Cynthia Axe wears this slogan on her lapel as she recruits people to our Early Bird Retirement Club.

`Human Capital` up 89,767% as Gloria Ramsbottom attends a 90 second webinar, as she plans to roll out August as ``human capital month``.

"Community Involvement" is up 2.2% after Chief Bigdata Nerd Comrade Carl Marks checked in for digital detox at the urban health clinic after lunch.

Hire, train, retrain , Axe gently

`

HR use of social media

Thought leadership-mais oui!

It is erroneous to think that social media, texting, and Skype are tools that are limited to enabling HR departments  more efficient and user friendly downsizing. Mais non! (That's French)

Social media can also be used by HR to inculcate a wow wow wow culture. 3 wows. Par exemple:

As our downsizing campaign proceeds like the Battle of Stalingrad, I have requested from Hugh White from Diversity to tweet  the following message 8 times an hour:

                Let's all engage and cool Stan's rage.

Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs Diversity, wants to tweet this tweet in other languages. His wife, Comrade Ludmilla White offered to tweet both in Russian and Ukrainian. Hugh wants the background of the corporate tweets to be a black, white, red, and yellow format.  

I often question Hugh's sanity and the relevance of Diversity.

Driving social media and good English

Close the smart phone in intimate moments, daily

Close the phone in intimate moments

Dear Readers,

Do not get the impression that I am addicted to my smartphone.

There are moments of intimacy when I put my Samsung Note 9  on "silent". These moments are listed in my own big data cache from which I will share a few examples.

The other day, CEO Stan told me that I was a great business partner. When I hear these words, I feel so close to Stan that I close my phone.....and then ask Stan to demote R&D chief Comrade Carl Marks.

I overheard an ugly discussion between Mrs Ludmilla White and her husband Mr Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs Diversity. I silenced my phone to focus on their intimacy as my ear was pressed to the wall of Hugh's office.

I have purchased an HR training horse named Jean-Marie. Jean-Marie will replace all coaches and change managers.

When I mount Jean-Marie and gallop thru the fields, my phone is on "vibrate" only. Jean Marie runs so quickly, I cannot feel the phone as it vibrates.

Choose your own moments of intimacy, close your phones, and savour the moments.

Gloria 

Chief People Officer, Senior Coach, EVP HR, and master texter