Diversity audit catches Gloria unprepared

Global names

Once again, the lack of globalism in our company is crippling HR efforts to make us sustainable.

The Department of Labour is doing an audit on the male/female ratio of our company in R&D. 
They have chosen these names randomly from the data we submitted, and now I need to provide information about their gender. Does this make sense? Is my name Claire Voyant? I do wish our staff was more HR "user friendly" and global.

• Ayhan Mehmat
•   张磊
• Mayvarin Changsurirothenothenom
• Armağan Kanyara
• Neta Sneer 
• ממש מצחיק

How to carve out a more meaningful role for HR

 

Just so we all read off the same page....

1) Wifey read a magazine article about Confucian principles of unequal relationships and their impact on the art of management. Wifey is married to Stan, our hapless CEO.

2) Wifey asked R&D chief Comrade Carl Marks to discuss the article with her. Carl Marks  "referred" the article to a certain Jennifer Papadopolis-Otelini, his HR business partner.

Jenny is neither Greek or Italian. Jennifer put off answering Wifey, since Jennifer's to-do-list is chock-a-block with HR tasks....compliance, firing people, compliance, discipline, compliance,  hiring easy to manage performance coaches, and compliance.

3) Jennifer, it appears reads the wrong tea leaves. Jenny does, however, have a nice tatoo in a place I prefer not to discuss.

4) Here, our story continues:

Wifey asked Comrade Carl Marks to join her for lunch, accompanied by Jennifer Papadopolis-Otelini and yours truly, Gloria Ramsbottom.

Carl and Jennifer and Wifey and I has lunch at Chez Pauline. "Chez" is a French word often attached to French dining establishments.

Wifey asked me what I thought of the article. "Wifey, it is global, sustainable, actionable, and wow-wowish", I answered.

Wifey asked Comrade Carl what he thought about the article and he said: "it's a bit superficial, and as a Marxist, I find a lot of the ideas pretty repulsive, to be frank and earnest".

Little did Carl know that I have 2 brothers, Frank and Earnest.

Then Wifey asked Jennifer what she "read into the article". Jenny was texting (smsing) and did not hear Wifey. Wifey repeated: "Girl stop smsing....what did YOU read into the article". Jenny answered, "Ma'am, I have not read it yet; I am buried over my head of the process of performance evaluations".

Wifey and her husband Stan had a "one on one" (not sexual) and..... Jennifer Papadopolis-Otelini no longer reports to Comade Carl Marks; Jennifer will now work directly for me, starting immediately.

I will "carve out" a role for her.

Yet another updated list of characters in this blog.

Who's who?

Tim Buck:  Tim who?



Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux; EVP HR of Immature Products; born in Moose Jaw; her father was Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom; the name Lemieux was taken on by her to be more "global". Gloria is single. Gloria has a Blackberry Q 10. 
Gloria is now banned from entering  R&D, but still manages the entire HR team.
Gloria has two brothers, Frank and Earnest.

Cynthia Axe, often referred to as "a certain Cynthia Axe"; Head of the Early Bird Retirement Plan, American, White, and unilingual.
Axe fires 34 people a week as Immature Products "aligns itself" with success, weekly. Axe has relieved 4000 people of employment in her stellar career.
Axe had a short affair with Stan, the CEO. 
Axe has had several life time partners, the last of which was K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein. See below.
Cynthia Axe helped axe Tim Buck, a pushy chairman who almost pushed Stan aside. Cynthia is now #2 in HR.
In her spare time, she reads text messages and comic books. Her sister is Gertrude Axe.


Carl Marks, Carl is the present Head of R&D and Chief Cultural Czar of Immature Products. He speaks some Russian and understands some Chinese. He is related to one of the former main investors, Tim Buck. Probably, even the Canadians who read this blog may not remember who the  Tim Buck was.
Carl was born in Spokane; no one knows where he studied Engineering. He spent time in Saudia Arabia, building a data base which documented opression of Saudi women. Obviously, Carl is not a Hebrew.


Jennifer Papadopolis-Otelini:  Carl's HR business partner. She is from Georgia, USA, white, and multi-lingual but it is never quite sure what languages she speaks besides English. Like Gloria, she texts constantly. She also disses Gloria, constantly. Jennifer is neither Italian nor Greek, but no one knows this, yet. Readers of this blog are advised that it may be worthwhile to purchase life insurance on Jenny's career.

Stan; CEO of Immature Products. Stan's family name is unknown. Stan is white, loves lasagna and is scared shit of his wifey, Wifey.

K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein; Stan's cost-effective chef. He has mixed ethnicity. His Jewish mom was born in Quebec City and his French father was born in NYC! Ha! K Ray was, as of late, a life partner of a certain Cynthia Axe until they split because K Ray feared getting axed one day. Stan loves K Ray's cost effective lasagna.

Wifey; Stan's powerful, brainy, magazine reading wife. The managerial articles she reads inspires Stan to give marching orders to Gloria. Wifey and Jennifer have yet to clash.

Sybil Civil; Wifey's sister who pushed Gloria out of a job but when it came time to fire people;  she turned out to be a socialist and she refused to fire people. Thus, Sybil's career ended at Mt Nebo. At one time, she was in charge of a drama free environment.

Winston Wu;  Senior VP of IT and Big Data. Wu was formerly HR-IT Lead and served as Gloria's representative to Diversity Team. Born in Canada, Wu's grandfather was born (perhaps) in Hong Kong on the Kowloon side in Sha Tin or Kowloon Tong. Wu speaks English only.
Winston has a stormy relationship with Gloria; he was a peer of Gloria's and  then "reported into her". Now he is above Gloria, probably parallel to Carl.
Winston makes more money than Gloria and Wu. 
Winston realizes that Stan has a sexual fetish with Big Data and plays that card well.
Winston resigned when he failed to synch Blackberry Q10 with Google Calendar.

Cynthia and Wifey trade emails

For Ms Axe's behind, thanks to Wifey

To: Wifey
From: Cynthia Axe

Dear Wifey,
I relish our friendship; thank you for the first class tickets to Scotland.
When I return "would it" be possible to have ex Chairman Tim Buck's axe-excutive chair?
You know I have back problems.
I don't want to trouble Gloria with this request.
Cynthia Axe

To: Gloria
From: Wifey
CC: Stan

Gloria,
Please attend to this "as if" it were my request.
WE all own Cynthia a huge debt, don't WE Stanley.
Wifey

Wifey steps in and Jennifer gets a political coach

Wifey, our CEO’s wife, is unhappy for 3 reasons:

Tim Buck, the new Chairman, has weakened her husband Stan's position by appointing Carl Marks, his nephew asR&D Chief.

Carl has used his HR Business Partner, a certain Jennifer Papadopolous-Otelini (who has neither Greek nor Italian heritage) to neutralize me, Gloria Ramsbottom, Stan's EVP HR.

Carl and Jennifer do not act on the management article she reads, the most recent of which is about applying the Confucian principles of unequal relationships on management techniques.

Wifey and the lovely Ms Cynthia Axe, who won “Miss Mississippi” before she entered HR, cut a deal with Wifey. The full extent of the deal is unknown even to me, but part of it become public knowledge today. (Ms Axe heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan and runs our downsizing portal).

Wifey received an envelope from a certain Ms Axe containing photos sent from Tim Buck’s phone. Wifey took the envelope and met with a certain Tim Buck, Chairman of the Board. 

Mr. Buck, always acutely aware of the need for a balanced lifestyle, asked the Board to relieve him of his duties “so I can spend more time with my beloved wife of 38 years and 15 grandchildren”.  

All signs of Mr Buck’s existence in Immature Products were destroyed; his email shut down, and he was never seen again. Before he left, Mr. Buck donated 10 M dollars to Immature Products' cash flow. Mr. Buck’s career was buried in Mt Nebo, near the tomb of the career of Sybil Civil.

Mr. Buck’s telephone ( a platinum Blackberry Q10) was given to Cynthia Axe, who was promoted to 2^nd in command of HR. Ms Axe left for Glasgow Scotland, with a first class ticket , for a week vacation. Scotland is near England.

Carl Marks, Head of R&D, noted the events and spent the afternoon consulting with Jennifer Papadopolous-Otelini, who calmed Carl down: “all this doesn’t matter, Comrade Carl. I will cook Gloria’s goose.”

Carl noted that Jenny needs a political coach.