Celebrating failure-Jubel!

 

 

Our Chief Nerd and User Experience Czar, Comrade Karl Marks, instructed Hugh White—the white, heterosexual head of Diversity, Parking, and Company Events—to “organize a celebration” for the launch of our latest release, the Karl 012.11.

Well-trained as ever, Hugh sent me a WhatsApp message:
"Our recent release has been uninstalled by every single client. Three key accounts wrote directly to CEO Stan, telling him where to shove it. Nevertheless, Comrade Karl wants to celebrate with a $15,000 boat party down the Volga."
He added, helpfully, that the Volga is a river in Russia. I knew that.
"Should we (you) approve it? – Hugh White"

Not only did I approve it—I bumped the budget up to $20,000 (Canadian). Victories celebrate themselves. Failures need choreography—costumes, lighting, an open bar. Even a child knows that. Or at least my Grade 2 history teacher, Gilles Levesque, did.
"Gloria," he once said, "can you see how the bombing of Dresden was repurposed to justify total war on the Allies? If you can, you belong in HR."

I sent Karl my approval, along with this note:

Dear Comrade,
Your nerds have shown bravery and resolve in the face of unrelenting incompetence—from our clients. Let’s raise a glass to their endurance and their minimum-wage loyalty.
We get what we pay for.
Jubel,
Gloria

How I became a trusted advisor

 

Becoming a trusted advisor is not a walk in the park, especially if you live in a cold climate, a very hot climate, or there is no parking near the park  in which you wish to walk. 

Herein, I will spell out what I have done to become a trusted advisor to  four of my most difficult of clients: our CEO Stan, our CFO Mr. Herr Krebbs, our R&D DireKtor Comrade Karl Marks, and to our nerd population, which are a random bunch of immigrants who eat spicy food, quarrel and whinge all the time.

The first principle is "positioning your communication". So, for example, when I cut 20% off compensation for "working at home" (teletrabajo) , I tell CEO Stan and Herr Krebbs that they will get more for less; I tell Comrade Karl that those nerds who have no home can work from the office, and I tell the nerds that they will be able to spend more time at home learning English from their offspring.

The second principle of becoming a trusted advisor is "never, almost never, betray trust". When I found out that CEO Stan was dipping his wick, as it were, I told his wife that he was working hard on tax issues with one of our auditors, Ms Bressler. When I  saw Mister Herr Krebbs exiting a sado club, I greeted him on the fly and asked him what the dollar exchange rate is for the Euro. And when Comrade Karl went for a job interview for the Mossad, I asked him casually and  by the way, if he thinks that getting paid in Israeli currency is a good idea, given the 3 mortgages he is paying his 5 ex-wives.

The third principle is becoming a trusted advisor is balancing between conflicting demands. Between honesty and stupidity; naivete and survival, daily and often; American and worldly; business and people; compensation and bankruptcy. I implement the balancing act especially well for our nerds. Eg- Our 360 degree feedback process is almost fully (60% minus 31) discrete. Eg-our "get a green card faster by working 3 years in one" is a huge success.

My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to say Stalin said a secret is something that two people know, and one of them is dead. So I beg of you-please don't share my professional secrets of success with too many people.

Tak.