Friday, 1 October 2021

Corona statistics for our firm: almost full transparency

 

Our Caucasian and heterosexual Head of Diversity, Hugh White, decided that we need to be more transparent about covid infections in our firm. Actually, I don't listen to Hugh but even a broken clock is right twice a day, or even three times if you travel to the west.

I was also convinced  to go public when an investigative newspaper reporter covering corporate affairs claimed that "the level of secrecy surrounding covid infections in the work place are reminiscent of a decrepit regime like North Korea or Eye-Ran". I don't mind North Korea or Iran as  references, but only if they makes me look good.

In the spirit of functional transparency, I am divulging our corona data, all of it, warm and cold; fake and real; daily and near-daily.


Our 5 C level executives have received, when calculated together, together 19 shots of covid, when all is said and done. 3 were administered in the bum and the rest in hairy or hairless arms.


70% of our nerds got Pfizzer; 29% got Astra; 15% got Moderna and 21% got constipated.


We lost zero work days due to the virus because our reporting system is being replaced to better align with accuracy.


Our nerds were quarantined for 45,981 days and our C level executives did not lose one second to quarantines due to a "load sharing mechanism" developed by our CFO Mr. Herr Krebbs.


Hugh reports that 42% of the quarantined staff spoke English as a first language, or, did not speak English at all. 99% of our nerds don't speak good English. We do have 3 Scots in our nerd population, but I don't know what language they speak.











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