“No one will get a product fix until everyone gets a product fix. It’s as simple as that. It’s all about managing peoples’ expectations. When our clients know that they are all treated in the same way, criticism of our company will be replaced by adoration”.

 

                                   CEO Stan

During the so-called pandemic, it appears that customer satisfaction plummeted, meaning that it went down. I am fully aware that most of my readers don’t know English all that good.

From the survey which I commissioned at a ghastly low price using abilities I mustered when working in Supply Chain, we learnt that 80.8% of our clients want to uninstall our product; another 40% are willing to shoot CEO Stan if they spot him in a dark alley, and an amazing 97% percent think that “HR is the only good thing about your company”.

Before confronting our chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks about these findings, I had a one on one with CEO Stan. “The Board will be all over me Gloria”. I suggested that we table these findings as per our core value of functional transparency. CEO Stan told me that “you are the cat’s pyjamas!”

But it was too late. Cynthia Axe, my hatchet women, had already wandered into Carl’s office and told him that “CEO Stan will make you into minced meat, Comrade Carl”, and handed him the survey results. But to our surprise, Comrade Carl was as cool as a cucumber.

The comrade has just spent a week in Europe, where “I have been inculcated with humanitarian values. Our clients are dissatisfied not only because they are perhaps ignorant, but because they are all on edge asking “when do we get a product fix”. The Comrade’s eyes filled with charity and kindness. Then he proclaimed, “No one will get a product fix until everyone gets a product fix. It’s as simple as that. It’s all about managing peoples’ expectations. When our clients know that they are all treated in the same way, criticism of our company will be replaced by adoration”.

CEO Stan texted me that “either Comrade Carl is hallucinating or he “might be on to something”. Stan added, “Gloria, let’s align our values to be more egalitarian. Let’s brand ourselves as globalists and humanitarian for the next few weeks”.

I booked an educational trip to Belgium but when I read the travel warning, I suggested sending Ms Axe, who in an anti-vaccine advocate.