A Major Reorganization of HR

This is a text message to "all" to update on a restructure of the HR Department, in alignment with our core values, Of course, we will align our new voice mail menu as well.

1) Ms Cyntha Axe will remain in charge of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, doubling as an anti-stress coach and filing clerk. 
Her Samsung Z phone will be replaced by an S10. 
Ms Axe will also liase with our "cooking course" vendor. Our cooking course solves all major organizational problems, relieving us of the need for OD.
Ms Axe will now be at level 2.52, which entitles her to use the executive elevator.

2) Winston Wu will continue to be IT lead, reporting into me. 
Wu is relieved of his role as HR's representative on the Diversity Team. Wu considers himself a Canadian, which is strange because his grandfather was born in Hong Kong, Shatin area.
Wu will report dotted line into our CEO Stan on Big Data, which is a disgrace, given how strategic HR is.
Wu's Galaxy will be replaced with a new Iphone, against my better judgement.
Cynthia Axe will examine "load control issues" in Wu's overstaffed, spoiled and corrupt IT shop.
Wu is now my grovelling clerk but also parallel to my rank and station on Big Data Issues, ie, Level 1-1
What the hell is Big Data anywat? A bunch of baloney, my father Pierre Eliiot Ramsbottom would say.

3) Procurement will now report into HR. Until now Procurement was a peer of mine.
Ms Sarah Barracuda, Head of Procurement, will be relieved of her old phone and get Wu's old Galaxy.
Ms Barracuda will be relieved of her spacious office and sit in open space. She can work from home, but won't get paid.
Ms Barracuda will ensure we remain OD-vendor free.
Ms Barracuda will be do an on line webinar on "pain relieving for vendors who don't get paid enough", in line with our core values.