Answer to refused job applicants

Nyet

Dear Candidate,

Please note that your name is in the BCC of this email,

which is sent all 5243 candidates who applied to our firm for the job of service engineer.

Applicants to this job were rejected either because they spoke English too well, they did not respect HR ladies, they flew on 'ethnic airlines', or because they wanted to maintain a work life balance by sleeping at home more than 3 days a week. Sexual preferences were not factored into choices, nor was skin colour or religion in most cases.

So yes, the answer is no. As in yes, we have no bananas. 

However, as the first lady of HR, I would love your experience with us to be wow, 'ergo' I am offering you a discounted weekly subscription to my book blog, 'In search of meaning in the Gig Economy'. It is very short, 10 pages, and you can get a copy by wiring me ten euros.

Thanks for applying. And by the way, do you know any illegal immigrants? If so, we are hiring them to wash cars in our executive parking lot. For each applicant referred, one gets 3 discount points which can be redeemed at my sister Claire's online store. She sells guns (to US residents), German blockchains 2nd hand and sunbeds to Scandinavians.

So merci and tak. We hope you have enjoyed your virtual stay with us, albeit as a rejected candidate.

Dr Gloria Ramsbottom 

1st lady of HR

Improved Healthcare for our nerds based on Swiss/German Blockchain generated data

Health care is a cornerstone of our recruitment strategy. Every illegal nerd that disembarks the boat knows that we provide health care that simply was not available in the homelands from which these nerds emanate. Leveraging these health benefits as well as one hot meal a day, we manage to be the employer of choice for some nerds.

So what is it that is so attractive in health plan? Well, an old Canadian commercial used that say that most shoppers shop at Dominion 'mainly because of the meat'. So here is the meat of our health plan.

Each nerd gets one  free MRI a year, on any organ he (or she for that matter), chooses. Even if nothing hurts, an MRI is available. Travel to and from the rustic clinic (in Halifax) is  by Greyhound at a small cost. Details on our website.

A free pack of Cipralex is provided for all nerds in pre sales. Nerds in Customer Service get an Abilify boost for their Cipralex and a framed copy of the Sykes-Picot agreement.

Headaches, backaches and toothaches are all dealt with by our in house medic (фельдшер), Dr Alexei Feldsher, who served in the Red Army in the 1930s.

If surgery is needed, all nerds get 30 US dollars towards a Ryanair ticket to Sweden, where the authorities have a good reputation for compassion.

I do know that many HR managers and leading professionals may ask, 'where does that HR lady procure her innovative abilities?'  Well, there are those us who think and those of us who do. I'm both, thanks in no small part to my Swiss and German blockchain.

Our company doctor provides fascinating data and predictive analytics

In order to provide cost effective yet competitive medical care for our staff, we have an on-site doctor , conveniently located near our spare parts warehouse in the basement. 

The medical services are rendered by Dr Alexei Feldsher, who studied a triple whammy (medicine, blockchain and data mining) in the Ukraine.

Dr Feldsher reports into the first lady of HR; Feldsher freely shares all medical info with me, in line with our key values of the boundary-less organization.

After I needlessly bragged that HR has "migrated and  morphed into data and predictive analytics, augmented by a German blockchain", I was cut off in the pass and asked to present HR data analytics in the upcoming board meeting.

I asked Dr Feldsher to cough up data for that meeting, whilst insuring that he covers his mouth whilst coughing.

I must admit that I was not totally shocked by the data, but I was slightly shocked. I did know that our CEO has inflamed hemorrhoids (since he has a bidet installed in his executive toilet) and keeps Preparation H on his desk. I also knew that Ms Axe is on the pill. Any idiot would know that!

But I did not know that 87% of our nerds complain that our clients have bad breath, body odour and unfair expectations from our products. Nor did I know that our 120% of our sales force take the anti depressant Lexapro.

Dr Feldsher sent me all this data on a lovely power-point, with all sorts of pyrotechnics. Dr Feldsher's last two slides claim that one of clients will assassinate our CEO Stan and that all of  our investors will suffer heart attacks after the Q1 2018 revenue reports are published. I asked the good doctor to remove those slides before he loses his job.

Herr Krebbs rejects income derived from a shady sale, and HR called to the rescue

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, was happy as a lark when he received a Whatsapp informing him that a slimy agent had just made a sale of our new embryonic product to a village in the Cook Islands.

The Comrade sent a jocund email to all which read- "Cook Islands today, South Sudan tomorrow and England or Germany by this weekend.  Kibinimat, Stalingrad is back in our hands again".

Back in our hands again

Immediately, an all hands meeting was convened in the Marshall Zhukov Auditorium ; all smartphones were confiscated at the entrance by Ms Cynthia Axe, to ensure full attention. I hid my smartphone and smuggled it in so that I can update my status of my dating profile.

Comrade Carl was standing on the stage waving at the mob of nerds like Kim Jong Un (one). Once everyone was in their seat, Herr Krebbs our German CFO asked for permission to speak. "Dear Comrade Carl, Ich nicht is a party pooper. But- ver is da contract? Ver is zeh terrrms ohf payment? Zis is  scam maybe, ja? I declare by ze powers invested in me zat zis deal is off. Ja. Danke".

CEO Stan who was sitting in the first row texted me, "Gloria, do we have mental health insurance for Comrade Carl? Has Mister Herr Krebbs had cultural training? Where the fuck does Mister Herr Krebbs think he is working? Germany? Norway? The Swiss Republic? We NEED that revenue, Gloria.  Fix this issue pronto with that over-starched Mister Herr Krebbs, Gloria, and please adjust Comrade Carl's medication. Now. Stan."

Thank heavens I know all about blockchains. They fix everything.

Marshall Zukov Auditorium

On pleasing clients from shit hole countries

Digestive issues

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, has been in Denmark attending a Happiness Seminar Using a Blockchain".The Comrade told me upon his return that "there is no fucking way of being happy when the sun goes down at 230 pm". 

However the Comrade did return from his seminar with a "grand idea for which I need support from the first lady of HR". To that end, Comrade Carl invited me for breakfast as 2 PM, claiming that he is jet lagged.

Comrade Carl ordered a 18 slice American-sized, super huge pizza and a bottle of scotch for lunch. After he finished eating, burped then apologized, he said, "Gloria, our clients' intelligence is severely lacking. Our finicky clients have a penchant for functionality whilst our products are well known for their technological sophistication. This creates some dissonance . My plan to is augment our  clients' intelligence with AI. The way that I see it, I own the AI strategy and you, Gloria, own the implementation. After all, you are a lady of action."

I forgot to tell you readers that I don't eat breakfast at 2 PM. So I ordered a bottle of mineral water and a bran muffin, for my digestion. I often have digestive problems after I speak to Comrade Carl.

I told Comrade Carl that augmenting our clients' intelligence with AI is no big deal. However, I told the comrade that I am capable of doing so only in English, French and Viennese German.

Comrade Carl jumped to his feet and bellowed, "Gloria, our clients come from shit-hole countries, where no one really speaks any language all that well, let alone English."

I promised Carl that I would commission an offshore vendor to "address this issue in a timely fashion using a blockchain."

Carl hugged me and whispered in my ears, "Kibinimat Gloria, you have the nicest legs this side of  Dimitrovgrad, Russia".

Shit-hole clients