A traitor in our midst?- On Industrial Espionage

Who was Kim Philby?

Once every five years, I invite the HR staff for tea and a biscuit at Au Beau Pain, which is a restaurant with a French name. This outing increases engagement by 6%, linked to the British pound. 

As the HR team chatted at Au Beau Pain restaurant today, I was bored stiff, so I started texting my sister Claire, until I heard the voice of one of nerds, Andrei Ivanov, sitting behind me. 

I cranked my head to turn around;  lo and behold, Ivanov was sitting with one of our key customer's head of engineering. I know that their conversation was none of my business, and I remember that my dad always told me "don't eavesdrop Gloria-that's very rude",

But I could not help myself. 

As soon we got back from the restaurant, I told Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, that Andrei Ivanov had told the client engineer "not to expect too much from the next software release. Our company is going down the tube, and my boss Comrade Carl thinks he is Russian. If you have a job opening, I'll take it, even though our ladies of HR are very pretty."

I suggested to Comrade Carl that we immediately drag Andrei Ivanov into court. But the comrade surprised me.

"Gloria, don't butt into my plans. Clearly you don't know about Kim Philby. He was a Soviet spy who also happened  to work his way up to lead the  British Intelligence anti spy network. 

Kibinimat, that was a huge achievement which I plan to emulate. I plan to plant Comrade Ivanov into the clients' team in order to improve client satisfaction and user experience. And you have a key role in the act of deception Gloria".

I asked Comrade Carl what my role was to be, in line with my core values of keeping things crystal clear so that I keep my blood pressure down.

"Fire him (Ivanov) Gloria, without a hearing, yet keep him on payroll for two years. CEO Stan need not know about this. Spasiba. When this has been done, send me a text with the message "Ja".

Spasiba in Russian means "merci". 

My Dad never told me about Philby. But he always used to say over supper, "if Tim Buck loves communism, he should move to Russia." My mom would add, "Pierre Elliot, who gives a rat's ass about Tim Buck, for heaven sake".

Improving user experience

Fear of the gig economy

Classified job descriptions

Herr Krebbs, our German CFO, asked for permission to speak in our management meeting today. Our CEO Stan said, "Mister Herr Krebbs, don't be so formal, just speak up, for Christ sake. And speak clearly-I cannot understand your weird accent".

Herr Krebbs said that "ve don't have enough kontrol at ze product level; I haf my doubts if any of our prrrroducts make any profit. I sink we need more data at ze  indiwidual product level. Ja. I finish".

Comrade Carl our chief nerd  exploded from anger. "Kibinimat Krebbs, do I comment about your fucking team of losers from Accounts Payable in Finance? None of our vendors get paid on time. Go clean your own back yard, yob dvou mat. It's no wonder why we clobbered you at Stalingrad! "

CEO Stan turned to me and said that "the team's behaviour does not reflect our core values of brotherly love, Gloria. Why do I pay you a fat salary as HR manager? Do you want to join the gig economy?" I almost died when I heard the word "gig". I popped a Clonex.

After the meeting CEO Stan called me into his room. Sitting next to Stan at the small but elegant table in his room was Herr Krebbs, our German CFO. Herr Krebbs stood up and shook my hand, although we had seen each other innumerable times during the day. Stan, Herr Krebbs and I chatted for 90 minutes after which Stan issued the following email.

To Gloria and Mister Herr Krebbs

From CEO Stan

Re-Confidential

Herr Krebbs and Gloria will hire a finance project controller in R&D. This controller will analyse each  project to determine the profit margin.

Comrade Carl need not know about the existence of this role. The new recruit will work from home and will be payed from a slush fund, under the radar of the Ethics Committee. (Gloria, you own that.)

Gloria and her HR ladies promise that Comrade Carl and the new recruit will work in pure harmony. Herr Krebbs' skepticism is noted and dismissed.

Thank you,

CEO Stan

I almost died

How Leading Software Development is like Leading in Iraq and Syria

Looking east for solutions

Today, in line with our core values of pumping free leadership webinars into the thick skulls of our technical leadership, a lecture was sent by Whatsapp advocating "democracy in the work place". The lecturer was a white American who had just returned from a mission to Iraq.

At lunch, as folks listened to the webinar on their mobile devices, Comrade Carl Marks (our chief nerd) stormed into my office, dragging Herr Krebs (our German CFO) with him.

The comrade, never stable to begin with, was as red as a beet. This is an expression by Dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used a lot. Here is what the comrade had to say. (He spoke with a Russian accent).

"Gloria, have you ever heard of Gertrude Bell?" When I answered that I had teacher named Miss Lizzy Bell, he corrected me that this was a different Bell.

"Kibinimat Gloria, Gertrude Bell knew how to manage in a tribal environment. She even drew up a plan how to lead in Iraq and Syria. Bell  did not advocate democratic elections. She did not pedal dangerous liberal ideas! Nyet! She understood that you rule via tribal leadership or via brute force. Gloria, you may wish to notice that she was a Brit."

Comrade Carl lit a joint and continued. "Democracy is passe. Gestorban. How can you ask stupid people what needs to be done? You end up listening to the mob, for Christ's sake. Our nerds come from all over the fucking globe and very few them can even spell Democracy. And I promise you that they all want a strong leader who caresses like a Mama and screws them like a Papa".

Herr Krebs, our German CEO laughed and added, "Comrade Carl, ve dont haf zat expression in Deutch".

Comrade Carl stalked out of my room saying, "Gloria, recall that webinar, issue an apology, and grovel, or I will ensure that your useless HR department is run like a democracy, schas po ebalu poluchish, suka, blyad.

When I thought about Ms Axe and Hugh White (the straight white boy who runs Diversity) outvoting me, I got lower back pain and immediately called my chiropractor.

Lower Back Pain

My 5 2017 New Years Resolutions

1 Make HR great again.

2 Make our dithering workforce as diligent as a German and as happy as a Dane.

3 Increased use of data analytics to enhance my point of view.

4 To avoid thriving in the gig economy.

5 Lessen my agile use of sustainable slogans, yet remain relevant as HR business partner.

I am a dignified lady of my word. Check me out in a years' time. I will periodically (daily)  update on my agile progress. Happy and Sustainable New Year.

Focus talent management efforts on the client

Focus talent management on clients

Dear readers all over the world, from happy Denmark to far off and remote NZ, 

Our chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks ignored his doctors orders by taking his Cipralex and Seroquel anti depressants with brandy.

As a result of this combo, the Comrade's idea may have become more agile, but they are less sustainable.

I  received this email (below) from Comrade Carl whilst I am still on vacation up in Canada chez Mum.

Judge for yourself how drinking interacts with anti-depressants.

Gloria

Dear Gloria, 

S novym godom! S novym schastyem! That means happy new years in Russian.

I hope your mother is not driving you out of your mind during vacation. I love you Gloria but you live on the brink of insanity.

If you ask me, talent management efforts invested on our nerds are a waste of  resources, kibinimat. Our nerds are fucking brilliant and our products are a pearl.

Our clients, however, lack sophistication as well as being unappreciative.  I hate our clients like most of our nerds hate HR.

I am against all HR budgets, but since you get a fat talent management budget anyway, may I suggest that this  budget be invested externally to improve our clients' savvy and love of risk taking. I know you like the savvy word because it is so French.

I have sent an email to CEO Stan telling him that you are already approved this idea. Spasiba (merci)  for your cooperation, Canadian Girl.

Love and kisses,

Comrade Carl