4-ways to become a truly authentic leader

authentique-c'est moi

If you ask me, you do not need to use big data or hail from Scandinavia or Denmark to acknowledge the importance of authenticity.

As a matter of fact, HR under my helmsmanship sees authenticity views pretty much the same way that Angela Merkel views the absorption of hundreds of thousands Middle East refugees who are on the run. 

By "on the run", I am not referring to a stomach ailment. (My Dad used to use Philips Milk of Magnesia).

The complexity of authenticity is in its implementation, especially since HR is both senior business partner and plays host (weekly) to People Day, every Tuesday.

I cannot give away all my secrets about how I remain genuine and authentic, but I can share a few, in line with the core values of lip service to a sharing economy.

a- On people day, I sign my name, Authentically yours, Gloria.

b-I shed a (crocodile) tear when downsizing people over 64.

c-Although I am a refined lady, I smile at sexist and chauvinist jokes, much to the chagrin of the White heterosexual boy who manages Diversity, Hugh White.
d-I use smileys to show delight. ;) ;) 

Chagrin

One sure way to prompt up a sagging image

Keeping Gloria abreast-Hugh White

Comrade Carl Marks and his team of nerds were at a training offsite today dedicated to the subject of Image Enhancement for a Failing Product.

HR had organized a cost effective vendor who was ready to deliver the training for free.

I had promised this hungry vendor more work in 2022 if the session went well.

However, Comrade Carl, who was supposed to open the offsite by introducing the trainer, took the microphone and talked from 0800 until 1300. When he finished his diatribe, he told his nerds that they were free to take the rest of the day off, and thanked the training vendor for her patience. "Spasiba, you can go home Tovarish (Comrade)."

Since the trainer was not white and hardly spoke English, I had asked the white heterosexual boy Hugh White, who runs diversity, to attend the offsite. Hugh sent me the following email.

Hi Gloria,

Comrade Carl spoke for 5 hours straight. To make a long story short, the comrade criticized Western civilization for excess litigation and “harping on product weakness” like a "laf-laf". 

The comrade stated that many mid-eastern societies solve problems  via intermarriage between tribes and clans. “Kibinimat, Saudi Arabia would fall apart at the seams without intermarriage between the tribes”, claimed Carl. 

Then Carl said that the complaints about the product were “hear-say”, imperialist propaganda, and baseless. “As a matter of fact, if Gloria were to marry the unhappy CEO of Zimbabwe Public Utilities, all of their complaints about our product would disappear, like a herring on the table of a hungry Dane.” Then the comrade added, "marrying Gloria is probably the ultimate user experience".

Comrade Carl added, “we all know that HR is useless, but if Gloria were to marry this “bloke”, all of us would line up and wash her cold Canadian feet.”

Gloria, I suggest checking Carl’s medication. My guess is that he is drinking vodka whilst under the influence of Cipralex 20 mg.

Humbly submitted,

Hugh White, (Head of Diversity and Right Hand Man of the right honourable Gloria Ramsbottom)

Saudi style
Words of wisdom from the Comrade

Recruitment - a client POV

Chief Big Data Nerd Comrade Carl Marks invited me to attend the weekly meeting of his nerds. 
Carl kissed me when I entered the room. He smelt like he had just smoked a joint and had a glass of vodka next to him on the podium. 

This is what he had to say:

On religion and HR

“Nerds, I want to give you a few mission-critical messages today. 
So turn off your god damn cell phones and listen to me, kibinimat. And if the nerd next to you falls asleep, wake him or her up. These messages of mine are big data.

“Religion grabs people by the balls and then controls what they eat. All religions are the same, and each religion is worse than the other. That’s the first point. 

Secondly, clients and leadership are like religious beliefs. They want to promise happiness in the next life. But we all know that there is no next life. 

And worse, the primitive clients who complain about our software lack sophistication and savvy, much like the arrogant and righteous priests, imams and rabbis who screw us all over day and night.

However...

I want you to all know that HR is worse than religion and clients lumped together. Because HR would have us all believe that they are here to take care of us.  And they don’t. They screw us with procedures and rules and drown us in slogans. Why are we all working so hard?  Because of HR! HR cannot recruit a loyal Cossack to the Russian army. They cannot locate a posh Englishman reading the Times of London on a tube at Oxford Station. They cannot find a Dane who likes to eat herring. HR cannot find a Frenchman on holiday in August. HR is useless. Poshel na hui.

Now as you can see, I have invited Gloria to this meeting. On a personal level, I love Gloria. She is salt of the earth. Sodium is bad for you, but you get used to it. I got used to Gloria, but she must transfer all HR duties to IT or legal. If you ask me, all you need for HR is an “enter” button, or a member of the KGB, CIA or Mossad.”

That was the end of the meeting. 

My Dad always told me “never expect your internal customer to kiss your bum”.

HR is not a cup of tea

Uber HR manager

Nice package

Our CEO's better half and I have lunch once a month, in line with my core values of "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". 
Today was the day! Wifey had vegetables with a tahini dip, and I had a some rye bread and herring.

During lunch, Wifey told me that "the more I read about French labour law, the more I respect them. They never ever fire staff and when they do, management never sends them home empty handed. Being fired in France has a unique user experience, just like in liberal Scandinavia!" 

Wifey then suggested that I try to introduce this practice into our company by the end of the week. "After all Gloria, you come from a very socialist country yourself." Wifey was referring to Canada.

I guess that I should have consulted with Ms Axe and Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs diversity, about how to "process" Wifey's comments. But every time I do consult them, I get added negative value. If you ask me, all HR managers need to learn to feign interest in their lackeys'  input.

After thinking the matter through for 5 minutes, I updated Wifey that all employees over 60 whom we axe will get any two of the following 5 items, as long as they have 40 years seniority.

1-a hat with the embroidered  emblem of our firm

2-a map of Klaksvik 

3-this autographed black and white picture of Ms Axe and me.

4-a voucher for a day tour  of Raqqa 

Wifey texted me, "Gloria, you outdid yourself; you are an Uber HR manager".

Improve User Experience via Digital Detox

Client focus

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd whose has recently changed his job title to VP of Technological Excellence and User Experience, explained to the leadership team how our clients provide feedback about their experience with our new software product release.

Carl’s exacts words were, “50% of our clients don’t know their ass from their elbow, 78% use Whatsapp to ask for tier 1 support 4 times a day instead of using common sense, and 25% have no complaints whatsoever, because they are on the take”.

Comrade Carl pulled out a flask on brandy, offered us all a drink, and continued. (My readers may want to note that I did not drink anything in line with my core value of sobriety and total control.)

And Carl continued, “If our clients were to undergo digital detox or smoke a joint, our experience of their user experience would improve drastically. ”

CEO Stan, who had been texting his wife stopped Carl in his tracks. “Comrade Carl, what kind of bullshit is that? Digital detox for users-are you fucking crazy Carl? Are your medications balanced?”

Comrade Carl looked me in the eyes, after first looking at my legs. “Gloria, Stan's ignorance is an HR problem. I know for a fact that client-focused digital detox eliminates a false sense of urgency that clients may experience. Just "go to work on Stan" to change his mind, kibinimat.” Then Carl walked out of the room, singing a ditty in Russian, Tsupchik.

If you ask me, I do know that the sophisticated  French are way ahead of the pack on digital detox. Perhaps I can put together a solution, in line with my core value of  "HR as solution architect.”

My Dad always used to use the term “ahead of the pack”, when he was referring to me.