Acute Stress Management and the Leader's Role

Stress management

At noon, a leading online software journal published a review of Comrade Carl Mark's latest software release, calling it "a rehash of old ideas in a new package, with a bucket load of semi-functioning exotic feature which have dubious value. We rate it 2 on a 10 point scale". (Comrade Carl leads our Engineering Department).

At 12.05, Comrade Carl texted our CEO Stan an angry message, ccing me.

"HR is way behind the curve on internal communication; Gloria is not proactive.  Our staff must be made aware of  the value proposition of our product, which is a pearl. I have called an all-hands-on meeting at 1215 to expose our nerds to the truth. Please attend and grace us with your heavenly presence. Bring Gloria along-she needs to wake up and smell the coffee."

At 1215, I made my way to the Josef Stalin meeting room, where all his nerds were assembled. On the table in front of each nerd was a packet of Ciprolex and a bottle of wine, as well as a note from Carl saying "life is short, pop a pill". 

Comrade Carl Marks spoke for 3 hours. Carl first attacked HR for not being relevant. Then, Comrade Carl said that the software online magazine was "subversive garbage, financed by big banks, the German government, the CIA and the Mossad. Maybe even HR threw in a few bucks." Finally Carl attacked the clients, whom he described as "panicky and finicky, whining too much about user experience."

"Before we end this meeting, please let's close our eyes and hope that HR will get it right next time, and weed out subversive information by being proactive, kibinimat".

When the comrade finished, all his (big data/internet-of-things) nerds clapped their hands for 40 minutes, although only 10% understood English. All the nerds were noted texting their families  in tribal homelands during his talk.

Readers, Comrade Carl started taking Cipralex-Lexopro a week ago, 10 mg a day. His doctor, who is on my payroll as mental health consultant, told me discretely that he may need 20 mg, but even then, "don't expect all that much. Comrade Carl Marks is very unique."

Is HR too reactive?

Social responsibility and the Syria refugees

Avanti popolo

The white heterosexual who runs Diversity, Hugh White, stormed into our management meeting and asked, "what are we doing about the Syrian refugee problem, in line with our core values of social responsibility?"

CEO Stan was aghast, since Hugh came in just as we were discussing the short fall of sales and angry customer complaints from key users. "Gloria, get that weirdo out of the room, or you are fired." Stan yelled at me.

But Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, asked Stan if he could say a few words before Hugh left the room. Stan agreed, in line with his core value of inconsistency.

"The Syrian refugees do have a lot of characteristics of our nerds. They are highly mobile, they do not speak English, and the establishment perceives them as disposables. I suggest that HR launch a campaign to hire 40,000 refugees. Gloria, as first lady of HR, what do you think"?

I do not know too much about Syria, except that I had a classmate named Lynda whose parents came from Syria or Lebanon.  And I remember that her mom made great food and always complained how cold it was in Canada.

I do know however that core values  must be be ignored, but not overtly.

I said, "Comrade Carl, I will weave this into our 2016 stretch goals. Kindly provide job descriptions so that HR can move forward". 

"Kibinimat, Gloria, why does HR always put obstacles in our way. Avanti Popolo!" was the Comrade's non agile response.

I will tan white Hugh's hide when he least expects it. Revenge is best when served cold.

Gloria is informed about the Jewish New Year, and ruminates about Intersectional Diversity

The Jewish New Year, the Chinese New Year, and the Real New Year

This is what I was telling K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein, CEO Stan's chef as we boarded the executive elevator together. "Many of our nerds have tribal backgrounds and their own holidays, which makes it very hard to plan a corporate calendar. From an HR perspective, one size should fit all. We need to be more intersectional". 

As readers of this blog know, K Ray has mixed Catholic and Jewish ethnicity and he cooks cost effective lasagna for CEO Stan, daily. 

K Ray told me that tonight, it's the Jewish New Year. "Happy New Year, Gloria; you do not need to Jewish to enjoy our New Years", he said. 

K Ray shared with me that he embraces all the holidays of both religions  to "cash in on having such a fucked up background. I take a digital detox course during all religious holidays!"

When I reached my posh office, standing at the door was a certain Hugh White, the heterosexual White boy who heads Diversity.  Hugh also told me that the Jewish New Year is "almost upon us; it's on Monday, Gloria".

Hugh told me that the Jewish new year is a "diversity" issue, much like the Chinese new year, but the Jewish New Year is shorter. "And they don't give each year the name of an animal, unlike the Chinese", said Hugh. "Who doesn't?", I asked. Hugh look at me in dismay. (not next May)

I told Hugh that back in Moose Jaw Canada, I had a school classmate named Sharon Bernstein. Sharon had most of September off because of tribal holidays! Once Sharon told me that "September is a great time to be Jewish, why don't you convert, just for one month, Gloria".

I spoke to my Dad Pierre Elliot about that idea and he told me "I do not want to hear one more word from you about religion, be it yours or anyone else's, mon choux. Religion is superstition."

From an HR perspective, all these tribal holidays are an issue-between the Jewish New Year and the Chinese New Year and the real New Year (Jan 1), there is not much time to work.

And I remember something else. Sharon told me that the Jewish  new years is not all a happy time. "Our holidays entail a lot of suffering", Sharon told me. That may be why she converted after her 4th marriage. Anyway, Sharon became an IT guru in medium size warm data, moved to Denmark, and I lost contact with her.

 

שנה טובה לקוראים 

אלון וגלוריה

Procurement guidelines based on Internet of Things

If you ask me, I say oui

"Of course, Stan" is how I replied to the text my CEO sent me which read, "Gloria, can you drive down the costs of procurement similar to what you did for labour costs'?

A few seconds after I answered Stan's text, I convened a meeting of the procurement staff in the "Joseph Stalin Meeting Room", located in The Internet of Things Dept.  On the walls of the room hung pictures of great leaders such as our own chief IoT nerd Comrade Carl Marks. There was also a picture of a Viking Ship, in the waters of the beloved Faroe Islands.

After a brief consultation during which I pretended to listen to the frightened procurement agents in line with my key values of "people skills", I showed a chart which was chock a block with big data. No one understood the chart, nor did I, but wow, did I look impressive, from an HR perspective.

Then I laid down four  new procurement  guidelines, effective immediately.

1) The entire procurement process is to be completed before work is scoped.

2) Negotiations are to take place using a voice menu automated robot.

3) When a vendor wants to speak with a live agent or get paid,  the vendor is blacklisted for a year, and Hugh White from Diversity says "blacklist" is not diversity friendly. 

4) Payments to vendors to be  made in Greek drachma, to be issued in 2018.

Then I explained that "in line with our core values,  procurement needs to be an engaging process, and we need to see our vendors as long term strategic partners." (At the same time, I noted that no vendor should hold us by our "you know what").

Comrade Carl Marks, who sat in on this meeting sent me a text, "Christ Ramsbottom, you ARE good. Why are you in HR?"

I had no time to answer Comrade Carl, since I am heading to the Faroe Islands.

Who's who in the Gloria Blog-updated

This blog has been read by 250,000 people in its two and a half years existence.  Many of the readers of this blog are not native English speakers! Mais non!

Readers come from "as far away as" India, Russia, China, Faroe Islands, Austria, Germany, UAR, Saudi Arabia, Israel, Canada, France and even London, which is in England.

The author claims that the blog is not all that removed from the reality he encounters, although this may be a stretch of the imagination. 

Before we start, Lemieux means "the best" in French. And Hugh White's hue is white. Now let's start.

The first lady of HR

Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux is VP HR of Immature Products.  Gloria studied to be a secretary, then a buyer, and then “naturally,” she moved into the HR space. 

No one really knew about Gloria until two years ago, yet today it is widely recognized (even in Denmark) that she is the First Lady of HR. She is also a coach and change manager. She earns $150,000 net, yet "money can almost never buy my loyalty".

Gloria admits however that pregnancy interferes with stretch goals and she has busted unionization "in line with my core value of survival".

Gloria grew up in Canada, the daughter of the late Pierre Elliot and Constance Ramsbottom.  She has two brothers (Frank and Earnest) as well as a sister Claire Ramsbottom de la Montagne. Gloria is the bright bulb.

Constance believes that Gloria "works in Manpower down in the States and needs to do something more creative". Constance is loosing her memory.

Gloria speaks English and French; she is acquiring a British accent to be more posh. 

Gloria's style is not overly cerebral; she is practical, brief, responsive, and sprinkles her conversation with French, in line with her core value of "global".

Nothing is known of Gloria's intimate life except that she gets one  "mental orgasm" from the term "big data", and several from "internetofthings". 

As of late, Gloria uses the term “as it were”. 

Gloria suffers from back ache due to too much Blackberry usage. Gloria reads text messages only, using BBM and Whatsapp.  

She is considering digital detox with a French vendor. 

Reverend Axe's girl

Cynthia Axe is the Head of Involuntary Early Bird Retirement. She has fired 45,000 people in her 5 years at Immature Products. She has had 15 life partners in the past 3 years. Her father is the Reverend Oliver Axe. 

Cynthia speaks English only. One sad fact needs to be added: Ms Axe has been chosen the least popular staff member for 12 straight quarters. She presently has a reputation coach. Ms Axe tried to read the Land of Green Plums, but threw it away after 2 pages.

Gloria considers Ms Axe to be white trash.

Soft on my gut

Stan the CEO has no family name. He is white, privileged , travels business class, has a high level view of the firm, loses his temper, and sleeps with Ms Axe on very rare occasions. He resents Gloria forcing him to use a Blackberry, which he calls “a piece of Canadian crap”. Stan sees HR as proof positive that if you pay someone enough and give them a seat at the table, they will tow the party line. Stan thinks that Kim Jong Un has a few leadership traits which need to be emulated. Stan wants HR to ensure everyone is nice.

Wifey is Stan’s brainy wife. She reads management articles and forwards them to Gloria, demanding action. Wifey believes that these articles can save Stan, whom she sees as a failure. Wifey’s real name is unknown, although Selma may be a possibility.  Wifey is currently reading The Land of the Green Plums, and does not understand one word, but has recommended the book to all her cronies.

K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein is Stan’s private chef. He cooks “cost effective lasagna” for Stan. However, recently Stan has suffered from hemorrhoids and Stan has asked for food which is “softer on my gut”. K Ray has slept with Ms Axe on more than one occasion. K Ray reads La Presse.

Almost semi irrelevant

Hugh White is the Head of Diversity. Like Ms Axe, he reports into Gloria. Hugh annoys everyone because of his irrelevant comments about diversity. Hugh is white as a lily and heterosexual. He is married to Comrade Ludmilla White (nee Khrushchev) and their marriage has “room for improvement”. Hugh gets beaten up from time to time.  Hugh is currently reading The Land of the Green Plums, and does not understand one word yet believes that books which make no sense have a dimension of diversity.

CCM

Internet of things and big data chief nerd (aka VP Engineering) , Comrade Carl Marks, was born and bred in the USA. No one knows where Carl got his PhD in Engineering. 

His parents were communists and sent him to USSR where he studied for 4 years. Carl speaks English with a  feigned Russian accent. Carl sprinkles his speech with Russian swear words like kibinimat, rambles, lacks focus and believes that his new product is a “pearl”, although sales are weak and customers curse him. Comrade Carl believes that HR and Sales are the source of all evil. Comrade Carl reads books about the Battle of Stalingrad.

Juliette Caesar was the Head of Sales. She quit. She had a stellar record until she attempted to sell Comrade Carl's product. She even sold books on secular liberalism in Teheran, Jerusalem and Jeddah.

Old de Villiers is an engineer  who hails from Bloemfontein and speaks some English. He sleeps during round tables. He is the cloud computing czar.

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