"Not everything needs to be discussed" - Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom

                                                     

                                            Miss Axe reads about HR thought leaders

The entire HR department (Ms Cynthia Axe from Early Bird Retirement; Hugh White from Diversity and yours truly) went to the hospital to visit CEO Stan, who is recuperating from an illness that there is no need to discuss.

When we entered Stan’s room, Comrade Carl Marks, our acting CEO, was chatting with Stan’s wife Wifey, who was positioned at an angle that allowed her to control the goings on in the room. Carl did not used his feigned Russian accent.

Wifey had prepared chairs and we all sat around Stan’s bed, avoiding asking him how he feels. My dad always told me "there are some questions you don't ask, mon choux."

Wifey stopped all conversations and asked, “Who is reading what”?  Then she answered her own question. “I am reading Anna Caltabiano’s book on Eternity,  The Seventh Miss Hatfield. I read everything that young Ms Caltabiano writes, as should you all. Gloria, please buy this book for all the staff.”

I took out my Blackberry (Passport) and jotted down an action item. An HR manager without action items is like a fish without water, as it were.

Comrade Carl Marks told us that he reading “my 3004th book about the Battle for Stalingrad, and the heroism of the Red Army”. 

Hugh White from Diversity informed us all that he was reading about “Coughing at Work”, from a Diversity perspective. 

Hugh asked Wifey if Caltabiano's book is "diversity-friendly". (Hugh White is a source of deep embarrassment). 

Cynthia Axe informed all of us that she was reading a great biography of an HR thought leader. I was so proud of her.

I told the crowd that being an HR thought leader demands my whole attention, and I only read text messages, 22 hours a day.

Wifey looked at me without compassion, and said, “Gloria, we have such a good relationship. Read Caltabiano’ s book about Eternity. You too, Comrade Carl, enough of this world war two nonsense of yours”.

Stan had closed his eyes, and dozed off. But he looked uncomfortable.

As we left the room, Wifey turned to Ms Axe- "the heroine of the Caltabiano book is named Cynthia, Miss Axe."

Little does Ms Axe know that the next book Wifey has asked us all to read is The Land of the Green Plums, which no one understands, although (because) the author got le prix Nobel de littérature, which is French or Danish, I believe.

                                    

                                                              Stan looked uncomfortable.

Comrade Carl Marks appointed as "acting" CEO

Acting CEO

CEO Stan is tied up with a medical issue of minor importance. As a result of this non-issue, CEO Stan has appointed R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks as acting CEO.

Stan will return to work on October 8. This is not  one fact, but big data, not stored on a cloud but in my mind. I am counting the seconds, as it were.

My Dad, Pierre Elliot, always said that whenever a leader is ill, the media portrays a smiling figure "on the mend". My Dad used to try and get his news reliable sources like the BBC and Midnight Magazine, but basically he "relied on my own common sense, for Christ sake". Dad was a non-believer, as I may have pointed out.

Comrade Carl moved into Stan's office this morning. He removed Wifey's picture from the wall and hung up a picture of Georgy Konstantinovich Zhukov.

I did not know who that was until I asked Comrade Carl, who gave me a 3 hour answer.

After parking himself in Stan's chair, Comrade Carl sent an email to "all", stating that he plans to use these "days of grace to root out the evils of our company. Our product is a a rare pearl, yet Sales, Big Data and HR drive us into the gutter, like rats", wrote Comrade Carl.

Comrade Carl texted me: "don't take personally Glo; you're a great gal with nice legs".

Comrade Carl forwarded an agenda for today's management meeting.

• 6 pm:- How I see things and what is to be done: Comrade Carl
• 7 pm:- Mitigating HR's negative impact on listlessness
• 8 pm:- Answers, then questions.

HR's impact on listlessness

Comrade Carl's Wall.

Pressure, pressure, pressure, and a joint

DUI

In his monthly expense report, which I seldom review, Comrade Carl Marks (R&D manager) asked for reimbursement for a traffic violation.

Comrade Carl is under pressure. Ever since the release of our newest product and its collapse upon installation at customer sites, Comrade Carl has been bragging that the product is a pearl, and claims that all we need is a service manager to sort things out, which is a British term.  

I was strangely curious about Carl's traffic violation. A suitor of mine works for the police, in Big Data and Statistics. I "bumped" into him and asked if he could tell me what the misdemeanour was. I was sure that Comrade Carl was Driving Under Influence.

The police told me that me that Comrade Carl was waiting at a stop light, with Russian music blasting on his radio. However that is not misdemeanor.

On Carl's car was a slogan, 

"HR should be decimated, eliminated and crushed, like the German army at Stalingrad." 

Comrade Carl was fined for "inciting hatred." 

"I was insulted for you, Miss Gloria. Can I invite to the fun fair"?, said the cop, hot on my heels.

That policeman is very creative in the way he still pursues me. Mais oui.

3 top questions to nerd health call center

Hugh gets a bonus

Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs our Diversity Department, set up a call centre for health issues impacting ALL members of our workforce.
Whenever Hugh White uses the  term "ALL employees" , CEO Stan thinks that HR is not aligned with business needs.

The call centre is operated on a pro bono basis and run out of a local college where one can get a PhD in  Public Health within 6 months, even if you just "dial in" to the lectures. 
All lecturers have a British accent, which makes the studies all the more appealing. (My Dad used to say that the Brits sound smart reading a phone book).

As a matter of fact, this past Friday, CEO Stan's brainy wife Wifey read an article  about our health call centre in the local newspaper. At breakfast she said to her husband, "Stanley, that health call centre makes me proud of you. Pick up a bottle of wine on the way home. And be home by 6 pm".

CEO Stan sent me a text telling me that he gave a "spot bonus" to Hugh White of $5000 for outstanding initiative. I tendered my resignation  and Stan lowered the bonus to $3000, at which time I withdrew my resignation.

Today, I dropped by the call center to learn what our needy staff is asking about. Here are a few things I picked up-

1) Comrade Carl Marks is so unstable that when he describes the product road map, I get vertigo. What can I do? (The caller had a heavy Thai accent, yet I understood 105%)

2)  We have an HR manager with gorgeous legs. Sometimes I get very nasty thoughts. Is there a solution? (Heavens! I recognized the voice of old de Villiers, from the Big Data Team)

3) When I sit in the toilet and listen to other people talking in conference calls about big data and cloud computing, I get constipation. Can I sue the company? (The caller, apparently from Sales, appeared to have perfect English.)

My head is spinning. What are the legal implications of this call centre?  Legal affairs top issue all HR managers should think about. I will use a French term; it is our raison d'etre.

old de Villiers must be gawking

Who am I? What am I hiding?

In a leading HR rag, I have spilled the beans about my past.

What makes me great