Evidence based downsizing documented by British Blockchain

It’s almost impossible to pull the wool over my eyes. That’s for sure. 

Many of my peers in HR (men but mainly ladies)  claim to have downsized tens if not hundreds of people in “one fell swoop”, or in batches. However, when examined, many of the downsized are dead, or they "walked the plank" on their own free will, or worse, they are still employed as contractors, sucking at the corporate mammary gland.

This makes my blood boil because I love evidence based HR. As a matter of fact, Evidence could have been my middle name; alas I have no middle name.

I am extremely proud vis a vis (French) how I trained Ms Cynthia Axe, my down-sizer and obedient underling, to sever people from our workforce; every single severance is documented with evidence.

• Every downsized nerd has his picture taken with Miss Axe, holding the severance missive in his or her paw/hand. 
• Every downsized nerd gets an autographed picture of me with a greeting, “enjoy the rest of your life”-and this event is photographed as well.
• All photographs are documented in a stodgy English blockchain.
• And if you need more evidence, all severed nerds serve as our firms’ good will ambassadors and can be found on our website under at downsizedformer happycampers/postpartumdepression/goodwill/ambassadors/gloria.com.

For some people, this evidence is not enough. However, if you divide by  0.05 and add 32, the evidence becomes axiomatic, which means a self-evident truth.

I had a dream

Silk slippers

For the last week to ten days, I have had the same dream every night, at times several times a night.

My coach is presently out of town, so I'm jotting down this dream right here so as not to forget it.

It's 11 PM and I'm sitting in my office which overlooks the R&D open space, where our 400 nerds work in near harmony. The Spanish nerds have just ordered in supper, whilst the other nerds have eaten at an earlier hour, as per their tribal custom. There is a whiff of spicy food in the air, as well as the scent of Chinese food, hummous, and Frankfurter. I have eaten like a horse but I am thin and desired. A white owl is pecking away at the leftovers, with its back towards me.

An English lad is playing with his blockchain outside my office, and its parts are scattered hither, thither and yon.

Comrade Carl comes into my office and tells me that the nerds need to work all night. The comrade is holding a joint and wearing his PJs and satin slippers.

I call Ms Axe so that she relay the news, and she does so, using our PA system which broadcasts in 87 languages, 90 of them from India as well as German with a Viennese accent.

At midnight, the nerds all turn blonde and start speaking Danish. They work all night long, happy as a lark, all of them. They sign on a petition refusing to take money for the overtime.

I call up a Scottish lady to inform her of the meaning people have found in hard work, but the call is diverted and there is a pre-recorded message in some east-European language that no one understands.

At 7.00 AM, my name changes to Francine Ramsbottom and as the nerds shuffle out, they kiss my ring.

Then, I wake up.

2020 HR strategy of the 1st lady of HR includes Liminal Space Meditation

Nose to the ground

If l keep my ears to the ground, I notice there are plenty of external factors I need to take into account in order to forge our new HR strategy. 2020 presents some interesting challenges. By the way, I always keep my ears to the ground.

Following my survival instincts, I decided that I need to "put my foot on the gas" vis a vis (French) climate change. Thus no one except senior management will fly for business trips any more. For "rank and file" travel needs, I am presently negotiating a corporate discount with Greyhound Buses, Arriva and Amtrak. So that takes care of 2020 social responsibility and our carbon footprint plan, as it were.

Wellness is also a major issue on my plate. In previous years, we have provided free 10 mgs of Cipralex for Sales Staff, and Pervitin stuka tabletten for our nerds to ensure that they meet our benignly aggressive deadlines.

                                         

To meet my 2020 wellness goals, this needs to change pronto. I am upping the dosage of Cipralex to 20 mg, and adding an Ariply (Ablify) tablet; this should keep our sales people happy and jocund. 

For the nerds, Pervitin will be replaced by Liminal Space  Mindfulness Seminars, piped into the open space areas of R&D, including the toilets.

I do know that HR is not the most popular function in the company and I need to address this in a timely fashion. So I am doing a survey of who exactly does not appreciate us, after which I will take corrective action, to be carried out by a recently energized Ms Axe, who in now on Pervitin.

Finally everyone needs to develop their own “skilly skill skills“. 2020 is no different. I have planned an Improve your English Accent Training Video, which will be available to all our staff who blubber, confuse, tap-dance, mutter, dither and fumble their way through communicative tasks due to their tribal tongue interfering with proper English.

Our Swiss blockchain will provide me a dashboard which will monitor progress, daily.

Sexual Relations Monitoring Unit established in HR

Thanks Arlene

It become very "au courant" to deter employees in the same firm from engaging in hanky panky, which is what my Dad Pierre Elliot Rambottom used to call illicit sexual relations. Some firms outlaw these relationships "totalement" forcing these liaisons to take place in sordid hotels, in the parking lot, or within cubicle 3 in uni-gender toilet on the 18th floor between midnight and 2 am.

However, I was raised in a liberal household; my Dad voted NDP, which is the Canadian version of the Labour Party, without Corbyn, without antisemitism, and without empty promises. As a result, I have a laissez-faire attitude about sex between consenting adults, as long as we ladies of HR (and Hugh White), are aware of what is going on. After all, people can do whatever they like, as long as HR knows and cares.
This, by the way, in no way reflects on my personal life.

I had a short discussion about this very subject with my chief down-sizer, a certain Miss Cynthia Axe, and Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs Diversity. I emphasized the need to be "with it", whilst maintaining our core values of "work life balance and limited freedom". In this spirit, we will set up a the Unit of Sexual Scrutiny, under the auspices of HR.

Effective immediately, Axe and White assume responsibility of gathering both warm data and hot data about people in our company who are intimately engaged, as it were. This excludes married couples, who are rarely intimately engaged, if you get my drift.

Axe and White will have at their disposal a French blockchain with Swiss spare parts. Ms Axe will handle most of the populations' aberrations whilst Hugh White will monitor interracial affairs and inclusion issues when more than 2 people are involved.

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, heard this news and sent me a SMS: "Gloria-Pierrovna. Get your sticky  fingers out of our knickers". 
This was followed by a Whatapp message from CEO Stan who suggested: "Get thee to a shrink, young lady. You are fired". Two minutes later, he rehired me when he remembered that I know a few things about him and the venerable Ms Axe.

I love it when Stan calls me "young lady". 

Get thee to a shrink

Gender Equality Day

I don`t care about your wives or sisters

Our white-skinned and sexually straight Head of Diversity, Hugh White, conducted a survey which shocked the living daylights out of me. The dashboard on my German-made blockchain was flashing red with these messages.

• 89% of the nerds (many of whom speak poor English) believe that it is legitimate to avenge someone who has slept with their sister.
• 110% of our nerds prefer that ladies wear high heels and short skirts to work.
• 99.17% of the nerds want to take the elevator alone with Ms Cynthia Axe, our down-sizer-in-residence; 100% want to keep abreast of her comings and goings.

I forwarded the survey to our CEO, Stan, who did not read it. In order to get his attention, I told Stan  that the Ladies Lobby was going to sue his ass off, and an aggressive, 19 year old "ladies affairs" TV reporter wants to interview him tonight. Stan ran into my room screaming, `get me out of this mess, Gloria, or you are out on your cold Canadian ass`. Stan gets upset sometimes.

In order to address the findings in Hugh White`s survey in a timely fashion, we declared today as Gender Equality Day. All nerds received a T shirt with a picture of Ms Axe and me and the slogan-"2 HR ladies are worth 6 nerds with C++ skills".

T Shirt 

Then, as coached, Comrade Carl Marks gave a speech to his nerds, which unfortunately did not go as I planned.

Comrade Carl stated  "Boys, we need to appease the ladies, who are on the warpath in recent times. Beware. Write this down. All men and women are apparently born equal; the only difference between the sexes is our reproductive organs. I hope you all remember your biology lessons.  Show respect to the broads. No whistling, no cat calls, don`t stare at anyone`s chest and open the door for the ladies, especially those in HR. I do not care what you do at home with your wives or sisters, but get your act together at work, kibinimat. Don't fuck with me.  No questions needed. Get back to work, pronto. Spasiba."

CEO sent me a Whataspp message- `Wasn`t Carl grand``! 

After Carl's speech, I gathered all the ladies who work for us in the Gertrude Bell Conference Room, and gave each one  a voucher for a free manicure, OTH, which means, on the house.