Planning our Global Christmas Party-2018

Leading my team in global challenges, daily

Planning global events like our Christmas party presents a challenge, even to the most skilled HR lady, she or he. This year is no axe-ception.

Ms Cynthia Axe, our downsizer, and Mister Hugh White, the white heterosexual boy who runs Diversity, sat with me all morning planning the Christmas event.

Ms Axe appeared somewhat agitated during the meeting because she will be spending the holidays visiting her father, the Reverend Oliver Axe. 

I noticed that Hugh White had a book with him,  "The Joys of Celibacy", which is understandable since Hugh and his wife Ludmilla have seen happier days.

Celibacy

Four major challenges faced our planning team.

1) 87% of our nerds have ancestry which is not aligned with celebrating Christmas. Miss Axe happened to mutter, "we are in America, so they should do it our way". Hugh White , always the diplomat, said we need to respect everyone.

2) One day before the Christmas party, we are downsizing 2% of our staff, and another 2% as well, making that 4 %. Our estimation is that this is not a big issue, simply business as usual. But we will "factor this in" by providing more alcoholic beverages.

Burning issues

3) Our CEO, Stan, has asked that the party take place in a room without chairs, meaning we all have eat standing up. Stan's hemorrhoids are flaming again, and he wants to avoid being the only one who eats standing on his feet. He also asked to "cut back on the spicy food, for Christ sake". Hugh White noted that the only food that our nerds eat is spicy, 88% of the time, which shows I am data driven.

4) Our Finance Team, headed by Mister Herr Krebbs, has hired lady 2 accountants from Spain, both of whom wear glasses. Their names are too long to mention. They have asked that supper be served at 11 pm. Hugh explained that the Spanish have "different digestive systems, and we need to respect this.

Gloria and Miss Axe

Unleashing the power of people analytics -using both blockchain and hard evidence

Only the best

“Gloria, the board is concerned about that fact that after receiving a green card, a great many nerds leave our company. This reflects very poorly on both HR and your personal standing. We have a board meeting on Wednesday to thrash out this issue. Prepare your way to wiggle out of this mess, or make a plan to return home to Canada on a one way ticket, in economy class. Thanks and have a good day. CEO Stan”

Reading the above email at 2 pm today changed my schedule. I had planned to go to Pilates at 4 pm and then have my hair done, so I shuffled my timetable. I went to Pilates at 420 pm and thereafter to the hairdresser.

The question may be asked, fairly enough, what I did within 20 minutes? Well, the answer is that I put on my thinking cap and came up with an answer for the board. Then, I emailed Stan the following e-missive and backed up the email with a Whatsapp and text.

Dear Stan,

I worship the ground that you walk on. You are my leader and you deserve only the best. Since I am the best, as it were, here is my retort for the board.

Since too much data is confusing, I have tried to make everything simple, as behooves our board, whom you have in the past referred to as “a bunch of fucking hacks.”

Let’s take three years, 2007, 2019 and 2031, the latter being based on artificial projective intelligence. The average nerd stayed in our company 2 years after receiving a green card. Not included in this statistic are nerds from countries without airports, and nerds whose native language is not English.  I would like to remind you that some green cards are confiscated for safekeeping in the HR safe before delivery, so please “factor this in”.

So, all in all, I don’t see any problem whatsoever from an HR perspective. 

If you want to chat with me, just send me a Whatsapp, text me, or call me, or all three.

Gloria

Prepares for Wednesday meeting

Bereavement leave

Bring down the numbers

Our CEO Stan noticed that bereavement leave was up 1.09% over the last decade, information which I provided from my new data mine. I own the mine and Miss Cynthia Axe is the miner. 

Stan observed that "HR must be sure that no one fakes bereavement. Bereavement is not an orgasm, Gloria. It needs to be real. Send me your plan how to police this issue in a timely manner, so as to drive the days lost to bereavement down".

I put on my thinking cap and nothing came to mind. I asked Ms Axe and Hugh White (the white heterosexual boy who manages Diversity) what the current procedures are.

At present, a nerd or clerk is entitled to bereavement leave if he (or she for that matter) gives a 2 weeks advance notice, or provides a picture of the grave or the stiff, signed by a notary and a man of the cloth, as long as he is not a child molester. In case of a legitimate death, we provide a Greyhound bus ticket to the funeral, one way, and a phone charger. The leave itself is 4 days for Canadian and Americans. And five days for other more remote locations.

I reviewed this policy, which seems quite fair. The only change I made is that "only 2 deaths per quarter are permissible, so as not not to make too much of a good thing. Killing the same relative twice is subject to the death penalty."

I smsed Stan about the policy change, and then I called my 140 year old mother, who was feeling down in the mouth with sore knees. She is a ballet teacher.

Compassion is my middle name

Comrade Carl travels on British Airways

Our chief nerd, Comrade Carl Marks, returned from a trip abroad which included a visit to a key client, who is unhappy about the delivery delay of our new release. The goal of the Comrades' trip was to announce yet a further delay.

Comrade Carl flew British Airways, business class. The comrade texted me from the flight that "BA hires cabin crew who don't speak English, kibinimat". Later he corrected himself-the cabin crew are Glasgow based.

Comrade Carl sauntered into my room and plopped down on the couch. I never shared the fact that I have a couch in my room. The couch is for nerds who have  a "well-being" crisis.

More on that later.

The comrade asked me,"Gloria, HR is the grand yarn master of them all. How would you announce such a delay of delivery if you had to do my job? What cock and bull story would you tell"?

I was about to answer when Carl continued. "No one dares tell the Brits that there is no solution for Brexit, which was voted in by the peasants. No one tells the world that Gaza and Israel will be at war for at least another 300 hundred years, or more, if you ask me. No one except yours truly has the balls to manage complexity!"

I asked the Comrade how he broke the news to client. Comrade Carl replied, "I used a Russian solution. We told them that we had delivered the solution twice yet their staff was too ignorant to install it. They asked for proof, and I told them that the proof is in the mail. Then we smoked a joint, I gave them a thick manila envelope, and came back home, spoiled rotten by those Scottish lassies on BA".

Comrade Carl fell asleep on my couch, and snored like my Dad used to.

Cynthia Axe lodges a complaint after a taunt by Comrade Carl Marks

Comrade Carl

My down-sizer and modern day slave, Ms Cynthia Axe, caught me by surprise in the executive elevator, which she has no permission to use. However our freight lift has been inoperable for a week due to a religious or tribal festival of the technician responsible, hence Ms Axe's presence as I sallied down to lunch.

"Gloria, Comrade Carl told me that the #metoo movement has removed all critical thinking from the western press. Then, he asked me to replace his morning newspaper with something more reliable, like the Morning Star, which I have never heard of. He told me that sent a nasty email to all his nerds, which I think you should read". Then she added, "instead of delegating, tell me what to do".

I informed Ms Axe that I read all my mail only to have Ms Axe inform me that the mail was sent "at this very minute".

I whipped out my phone and Comrade Carl explicit missive hit my eye. "Boys, one of you idiots told Ms Axe that the King of Saudi Arabia is not a reformer, just another crazy middle eastern despot, many of whom chop off fingers and heads at will. The only reason that he is called a reformer is because he allowed a few ladies to drive. Boys, please understand  that Ms Axe is very sensitive as well as not too bright, so don't go blabbing about what I told you. Spasiba. Comrade Carl."

Axe looked at me and bleated like a sheep, "Lead me, first lady".

True, Ms Axe does do my bidding with great dedication. She downsizes our firm with great diligence. But she does need a performance review. I want to introduce her to the idea of stretch goals and creativity.

Moi and Miss Axe