Gender bias and the HR lady

When CEO Stan and I sat down for our weekly one on one, I immediately noticed that he had had a hard night. It appeared that last evening, Wifey had read an article about gender bias in hiring in some Toronto based newspaper. 

Wifey told Stan that one CEO had found himself in the slammer for claiming that pregnant women make good candidates, except for the fact that they are pregnant. 

"Stan", Wifey suggested, "meet with Gloria and ensure that you don't end up in the "calaboose". I don't want your name to be all over the front page because of your primitive biases. Do you understand me, Stanley"?

Stan told me even before I sat down that "gender bias needs to be eliminated. Right now." Then he added, "I just want to give you my brief guidelines."

Verbatim, meaning word by word, this is what Stan then said.

"Gloria, we all know that women make good HR managers and great admins. Apparently, this is not enough anymore. There is a jihad going on and I don't want to see you get slaughtered. On the other hand, I do not want to have our schedules delayed due to motherhood related issues, minor attacks of hysteria and overall nervousness. I also don't plan installing more mirrors in the toilet. Finally Gloria, jihads are fine, if you live in the Middle East or France, or Sweden. But I want our workplace run with functional pragmatism, diversity, openness and engagement. Maybe Merkel wants jihad; I don't".

Finally Stan said, "Strike a balance Gloria. Do the right thing. Perhaps hire a few pretty cadets with nice legs to work in my office for the summer".

On the way out of his office, I walked by Comrade Carl who was speaking to Ms Axe. "Cynthia, what a pretty lady you are. Heavens, if I woke up next to you, I wouldn't need to pop a Cipralex each day.``

Cynthia said, "Anything is better than working for that bitch Gloria".

Traveller assistance HR bot, blockchain based, now available in Asia and Australia

Whats in your tucker bag, Comrade?

Our chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks was on a customer visit to beyond the black stump in  Walawalawalawong Australia where he was arrested upon entry at Sydney Airport because he forgot to declare that he was wearing wooden shoes. Anyone who is everyone (and the opposite) knows that you are not allowed to bring wood into Australia.

To make things worse, Carl had some lice in his nostrils so the Australian cops shit their pants from happiness, Carl enabling them to meet their daily arrest quotas early, then go have a beer at 2 pm. "Off the to the clink, weirdo,  and welcome to Australia", said the cops as they put the not so jocund Comrade Carl in the cooler.

However, since I am the first lady of HR and way ahead of the pack, I had already deployed our emergency hotline bot for travellers, which set off an alarm the moment that Comrade Carl was handcuffed and hauled away, from an HR perspective. The hotline bot was aimed at extricating all travellers from their woes/ whinges within an hour or so, New York time. This is in alignment with our core value of "blockchain enhancement to make people happy".

Sadly, all software has its bugs, and our emergency blockchain dashboard indicated that Comrade Carl was in a Bangkok brothel without enough money for prophylactics. 

The Comrade’s bank account was accredited with 350 Thai baht, in Australian dollars. Immediately, an SMS was sent to the incarcerated Comrade asking him how satisfied he was with our agile service.

Here is the text message that I received.

"Yob tvoyiu mat, Gloria, you and your whole f—king HR department. Your helpline is as useless as tits on a bull. Get me out of the slammer now, kibinimat, or I will refuse to do my annual appraisals. By the way, the wine they serve in prison is very good. Love, Carl"

Blockchains are not perfect

Hiring pregnant staff

I am not yet returning to Canada

CEO Stan told me that if 'you hire one more pregnant staff, you are out on your pretty ass, Gloria, and as far as I am concerned, you can go back to Canada on a one way ticket.'

While I have no specific opinion whether or not pregnant staff should be hired, I had not yet developed a set of questions which allow our managers to appropriately filter candidates, from a pregnancy perspective. So, putting on my thinking cap, I developed the following questions and sent them to the 'Recruitment Group' on Whatsapp. I backed up the Whatsapp with an email and text message.

1) Please tell us what you think about the following statement-'an undisclosed pregnancy during the hiring process is a major felony on the part of the candidate'.

2) Please tell us to what degree you agree with this sentence. 'A pregnant candidate is a great candidate. She can work like a man, even though she gets paid less. The only problem is that she is pregnant.'

3) To what degree does the following sentence describe your state of mind- 'sexual abstinence helps me achieve excellence at work; abstinence is like a blockchain.'

When our CEO Stan received this Whatsapp, he told me that 'you won't be going back to Canada for a while, and make sure not to get knocked up, Gloria.'

Pregnancy after retirement, svp

How to lower health insurance premiums using a blockchain

                         

Ms Ramsbottom,

Here is the summary of our meeting today, during which I was asked to stand for 2 hours without being offered  a glass of water.

1) We have granted your company a 70%  discount on health insurance premiums for all your staff, legal and illegal.

2) Dental treatment for wisdom teeth is valid beginning with the 5th wisdom tooth.

3) Drugs covered by the FDA are not covered. Drugs authorized by Eastern European health agencies are covered after 3 months of hospitalization. The first three months of drug treatment are to be defined as 'user experience preparatory training'.

4) Ambulances are to be provided within 5 minutes for nerds injured whilst driving and texting, when proof is provided that company business was involved.

5) Our doctors, or some of them, will speak some English.  All are medical doctors, nurses or skilled agrarian feldshers. 

6) Your senior management team is upgraded to an improved plan.

It was a pleasure meeting with you and observing your Austrian blockchain. Indeed you are the first lady of HR.

Ann Shuurer-Ortega-Otelini

Wow Insurance

Account Manager

Dressing to kill -what is it ? according to a German/Swiss blockchain

Our nerds are too traditional

Comrade Carl Marks, our head of R&D, surprised me as our senior management meeting was wrapping up. 'Some of our nerds claim that some of the secretaries, most HR ladies and the lady paymaster in finance dress in a way which is offensive to their tribal traditions. I want to know how our HR lady Gloria plans to manage this. By the way, personally, if you ask me, I don't mind how the ladies dress, as long as they don't drag me into court for gawking at their wares, kibinimat'.

Before I could answer, CEO Stan said, 'Comrade Carl, you have brought up a salient point. I am sure you all know what salient means'. CFO Herr Krebbs, who is German, was looking this word up on his mobile phone. 'Jaaaaa, I know vat it means. Gut. Weiter '.

CEO Stan, who comes from the old school, remarked that hiring nerds from primitive cultures keeps costs down, but takes all the fun out of work. Then, CEO Stan asked me to 'manage the polarity between morality, common sense, fair exposure, and the level of excitement, intellectual or erotic.'

I love managing polarities. My mind is boiling up 'vis' new ideas.....on one hand, on the other hand, on the third hand. And I remember my Dad telling me that 'we only have two hands, my dear Gloria.' I will need to use my German blockchain to figure this out.