Preemptive coping strategies for sexual harassment

That's not what I meant

CEO Stan called me into his office. 'Gloria, if there is any sexual harassment in our company, you'll be out on your pretty ass'. Then Stan caught himself and added, 'That's not what I meant'.

I told Stan that all preemptive measures have been taken, from an HR perspective. 'Gloria, what the hell does  'from an HR perspective mean?' I told Stan not to ask too many questions.

I am very proud of myself. Muy muy proud. If you ask me, there will never be any sexual harassment in our firm, due to the steps I have taken. By the way, there may be one exception, 31 year old Ms Cynthia Axe claims to have been tapped on the bum 33 years ago. Ms Axe has just started taking Cipralex, so I will wait for a week or so to see that she smartens up, from an HR perspective. I don't need Axe's issues on my plate, if you get my drift. 

I am sure all my readers want to know what prophylactic steps have been taken to prevent sexual harassment. Well I shan't share all my tricks with you, yet here are just a few.

1) Work work work work work and no play. That ensures that even if people want to get the ball rolling, as it were, they won't.
2) Hire asexual nerds. This is very easy, since more nerds are more asexual than sexual, from an HR perspective.
3) Deploy a sex chat-bot to filter off any excess libido. Power the sex chat-box with a blockchain, made in Germany or Austria.

As far as looking at my legs are concerned, and at Ms Axe's front end, I have an almost zero tolerance level. 'Almost' because Dad used to say that boys will be boys.

My stems on the left

How to deal with male employees staring at breasts

Enough is enough

The daughter of preacher Oliver Axe is Ms Cynthia Axe, who happens to be my chief down-sizer. Her formal title is the Head of Early-Bird Retirement Program. 
The aforementioned high strung, Causacian Ms Axe stormed into my office with tears in her eyes. "The AI and big-data  nerds in Comrade Carl's engineering team are looking at my breasts every time I walk by in the halls; this needs to end Gloria. If you don't put an end to it, I will litigate against the company, and you will be out on your ass. I don't have to tolerate this shit any more. This is not Hollywood, and I ain't no starlet who needs to fuck her way to the top." 
Ms Axe tends to be emotional at times.

This subject has been in the news recently. By this subject, I am not referring to Ms Axe's breasts, but rather to the issue of sexual harassment. In the British parliament, the markets of Cairo, the buses of India, Channel 10 and the cubicles of our company, this issue poses a great challenge for the average HR lady.

I am NOT however the average HR lady. I am the first lady of HR. And as such, I marched into Comrade Carl's office and demanded that corrective action be taken pronto,  immediately.

The Comrade agreed, in line with our core value of avoiding litigation at all costs. 
Comrade Carl pick up his megaphone and summoned all nerds into the 'Agile Blockchain Conference Room'.

When all the nerds were all assembled, Comrade Carl invited me to the stage. He said, "Boys, kibinimat, turn off your mobiles and blockchains and listen to me. Our first lady of HR, Miss Gloria, told me that instead of looking at your computer screens, you blokes have been looking at Cynthia Axe's knockers. This is shameful, so I have asked Gloria to address this forum to knock some sense into your stupid God damn heads. But before she talks, I warn you guys, that the next guy I see looking at Axe's front end will be fired."

As Comrade Carl handed me the mike, he whispered in my ear, "now you owe me a favor, Gloria. By the way, Gloria, you have a great set of legs".

Tabernak, what a job.

Against all forms of harassment
עילה לפיטורין

Chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks dressed up as General Fredrich Von Paulus.

Keeping abreast of Ms Axe

Tonight we all celebrated Halloween, in line with our core values of celebrating global American holidays. If you ask me, for a few minutes in time, we all became one big happy family. It was as if we all lived in Denmark.

Ms Axe dressed up as a bar-tender, which was not difficult because that's the way she dresses most days. However, she was more daring than usual. Our CEO Stan was noted keeping abreast of Ms Axe, in line with our core values of keeping abreast.

The head of our Diversity Department, Hugh White, dressed up a senior VP of HR. He spoke with a Canadian accent (noticeable in the words out, house and about) and claimed that his father's name was Pierre Elliot. Hugh's grave error of dressing in such an uppity fashion is ok on Halloween. Tomorrow will be a grim day for white, straight Hugh.

Chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks dressed up as General Fredrich Von Paulus. For heaven sake, why would anyone do that? I learnt that Von Paulus had asked for a visa to enter Stalingrad but was denied entry way back in the Korean War. Or something like that. History was not my forte; HR is my forte. Forte is a French word.

One of our half baked customer service bots dressed up as a centre of knowledge, but failed to develop any compassion with our disgruntled customers.

CEO Stan dressed up as a successful executive whose chief concern is people. I thought that this was grand on his part. From an HR perspective.

I dressed up as a Spanish HR manager. I had supper at 11 pm and slept all afternoon before the party. I granted my team autonomy and then renounced it

Stan's private chef, K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein who cooks cost-effective lasagna and who has mixed ethnicity, dressed up as a Trump supporter with a red hat and fat pork belly. Comrade Carl, who had had too much to drink, lost it for a moment and knocked out two of K-Ray's front teeth. That was non wow.

Lost it

After the party, CEO Stan asked me if I had  'perhaps taken a picture of a certain Ms Cynthia Axe''.  I obliged. Stan called me 'a great business partner'

Blockchain driven HR- a case study from the 1st lady of HR

ICO was wow

Not everyone understands blockchain applications in HR, but on the other hand not everyone understands French or Latin either.

I certainly have internalized the block-chain principles; this month I inaugurated (and rolled out) our pilot blockchain program, which yielded a 600% ROI  within  two hours. ROI is short for return on investment. Read on for more details. Merci!

Our dollar based compensation was dissolved, as it were. I often say "as it were" to soften the blow. The dollar was replaced by our wow blockchain  driven performance evaluation, based on a virtual currency which HR has launched.

Here is how it works. Each manager gets access to a virtual currency with which he can award  any underling who does what he or she is told to do. Then, the underling can use this currency to purchase goods at our company canteen, which will be stocked with Scandinavian goods in due time.

Our Initial Coin Offering (ICO) was made available and  demand was outstanding. The currency features my picture with the caption "In Gloria speramus". That's Latin.

Finally, I wanted to share how we go about blockchain-enabled severance. Every time an underling gets 3 negative credits or cusses HR, he (or she) is automatically ejected from our building, with a virtual credit card with the amount that our firm virtually owes the employee. This is valid for use at our company canteen as well. For one month, except on weekends and Canada Day.

I am expecting to win an award for this, but I am willing to wait patiently for a week or so until I come into the limelight once again, due to the brilliance of this application.

Mental health day - my innovative approach to the role of the HR Lady

You don't need to lecture me about mental health issues. When my Dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to raise his voice at my Mom, Constance, I used to get a splitting headache. The only thing that calmed me down in these horrible moments was the thought that one day, I would become the first lady of HR.

In retrospect, which means looking backwards, I have always felt sane, but I am mindful of mental health issues.

Mindful is a great word.

Our firm ain't so firm, mentally

Today on mental health day, and in line with our core values of transparency, I want to discuss some of the mental health issues in our not so firm firm. 

1) If you ask our CEO Stan, 120% of our Sales force suffers from some sort depression. Our sales force avoids all contact with customers whilst the Head of Sales has been hiding in the toilet (stall 1 from the left) for 3 years.

2) Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, speaks with a Russian accent, although he is American. He believes that our product is a pearl and that if our customers don't like it, "they need to get their heads examined, kibinimat". Dear Carl has given Cipralex to all developers to "keep the development effort focused". Comrade Carl smokes joints in the parking lot and encourages his nerds to join him "in order to detox from debugging products which for all intents and purposes are fully functional."

Cipralex

3) Our CEO Stan has a narcissistic personality, if you ask me. I hope I spelt that right. He believes that the company is unworthy of his leadership and thinks we should all kiss his ass. However, since he suffers from hemorrhoids and uses Preparation H, there aren't too many volunteers.

No volunteers

4) 95% of our staff have dysthymia, especially if they speak English, have been working for us for 3 years and need to support a family.

5) The entire HR staff is constantly elated; some would say unnecessarily so. On one hand, anyone in HR should be happy that they have a job. On the other hand, what is there to be so happy about, if I do a reality check. I do reality checks on Mental Health Day, which shows I am built like a brick shit house, mentally.

I sent a Whatsapp to all staff encouraging them to use our mental health chat box, which diagnoses and treats mental illness online, without the need for yak yak therapy, whilst lying on some couch.