Aging parents and the workplace

News about a new Canadian province

Our CEO Stan's 140  year old mother is alive and kicking. She has memory problems and she no longer speaks any English, which according to Stan, is the only language she ever knew. 
Yet Stan rarely takes time off  to visit her in accordance with our core values of work work work life balance.

Last week, I heard Stan tell his wife, " No, I won't visit Mom today; the old bitch doesn't remember anything anyway. We'll visit next Christmas."

In a round table discussion today with CEO Stan, an artificial intelligence nerd named Igor asked the following question, "We all have aging parents, as I am sure you know. What is the policy for folks who take a few hours off to do medical errands for their parents? Until now, HR has docked our pay when we step out, which seems unfair".

CEO Stan confronted me in front of the nerds. "Gloria, is that the case? Does HR have no heart? Is that why you have a company car, a parking space and health insurance?" Stan told me the question is rhetorical and promised to "rectify the situation with the ladies of HR".

After the round table, Stan called me into his office. "Jesus Christ Gloria, I am sick and tired of all this transparency. Why do pay cheques provide detail why salaries are docked? Have you become a Scandinavian liberal democrat? From now on, please use random numbers next to each article of docked pay. And send that Igor-nerd who asked me that question back to Russia".

I told Stan that the nerd in question is from the Crimea. Stan answered, "Is that up in Canada"?

His mom is 140

How do I know that I was born to be a leader?

It was clear from day one

From day one, or at least from when I remember, I knew that I was destined to be an HR business partner and leader. There were clear milestones in my life that stand out clearly as I reflect back on myself. By the way, my phone is in repairs, which I why I have time to reflect.

I will share with my readers the 3 main watershed events that led me to know that I was on the high road to leadership.

My gym teacher, Mr Bork, told me, "you are very competitive Gloria; you run faster than a bat out of hell. And in the leg department, you are number one." In those days, there was no PC. Besides, Bork was gay.

In secretarial school in Montreal, I managed to finish an essay on "who am I" within 3 minutes. My teacher, Mme Bouchard, did not like checking long essays, and she gave me a triple A and wrote on the essay, "magnifique", which means magnificent in French.

In my supply chain course in a business simulation, I drove 3 out of 5 vendors into receivership! The course coordinator, Madame Levesque,  pointed out to me that "with your attitude, you could easily be in HR, young lady".

I want to thank my dear Dad Pierre Elliot for making me into the leader that I am. He never made me sleep in the cold like they do in Denmark, I never had stomach aches since we never had supper after 6 pm like people do in Spain (like Dr Eva) , and he spared me learning German grammar, "which only Germans, Austrians or White Namibians can ever master".

Choose between money, engagement or meaning-one to a customer

Wane

I do agree that all over the world, democracy appears to be on the wane  as it were. I think that "on the wane" is a great term, although not au courant. (Bots and AI, for example are not yet "on the  wane". HR if not practised with lots of fresh salt free data, IS on the wane.) 

Democracy is the key to making some nerds happy some of the time. For example, why should clients set impossible delivery deadlines on their own? Why should Quality Control unilaterally determine the quality of the product? Why should an HR lady, as smart as she may be, balance between salary on one hand, as opposed to meaning or engagement on the other hand. By the way, I only have two hands.

In light of the above, and in line with my core value of delegating major choices, starting today, all new recruits will be able to choose between receiving a paltry salary, landing a job with a high level of engagement, or a role with depth and meaning.

The salary alternative is called The Gloria Plan. The engagement alternative is called the Machiavellian Plan. The meaning alternative is called the Happy Norwegian Plan.

The Happy Norwegian Plan used to be called the Danish Plan, but times change. 

Can you lead if you suffer from hemorrhoids?

Crazier than a $3 bill

Last week, the Board of Directors demanded that CEO Stan  move all of our software engineering to Bangalore within a year. Very concerned about the skin on his ass, to-day Stan convened a meeting of the senior leadership team to discuss "how quickly we can fulfill the board's agile request".

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, asked to make a few opening comments "before we move into the implementation stage". 
I sent Stan a text suggesting that he not acquiesce to the Comrade's request. Throwing me to the lions Stan said, "Gloria suggested by text that I don't allow you to speak, but I am a liberal. But make it short, Comrade Carl."

The Comrade lit a joint and said, "Look here, the board members are a bunch of greedy fools. All they care about is a dime here and a nickel there. Development in Bangalore makes no sense. The trip over  is far too long, the traffic there is horrible, and I cannot smoke a joint because I could end up in jail. If the Board wants to save a few "groschen", let's close HR here in HQ, outsource it all to a call center in Tirana Albania. The Board will have its pound of flesh. True, Gloria loses her VP title and parking spot, but the gig economy for former HR directors is very inviting. Spasiba".

Stan had not been listening to Comrade Carl's speak because his hemorrhoids have flamed up. Stan said, "Interesting point Comrade Carl. Noted. Please prepare an action plan. Now Gloria, how are you going to support moving Carl's team to Bangalore, over there in India?"

Artificial Intelligence provides the ultimate User Experience

#AI enabled involuntarily early bird retirement

The Head of our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Program, a certain Cynthia Axe, met with me today after I had put her off for six months. 

Ms Axe, who was chosen the most unpopular employee for 67 quarters straight, presented me with options how we could augment downsizing activities leveraging artificial  intelligence and bots, otherwise known as AI.

There is always a dilemma whenever I sent staff off for training. Ever since Ms Axe listened to the (free) webinar on Becoming a Business Partner, she has been brimming with ideas. Personally, I don't care if you brim with ideas, as long as you do what you are told.

Ms Axe told me that by providing each downsized employee with a pair of special glasses, the user experience would change for the better. "The glasses could make it appear as if they were about to receive a million dollars, instead of a kick in the ass", claimed an excited Miss Axe.

Ms Axe did not stop there. "Gloria, we can hire a few bots that can fire people in their local language. 89% of the people I fire don't understand half the time that they are losing their jobs". 

I noted that over the years, Ms Axe is becoming more compassionate.

However, when Ms Axe claimed that AI could make each downsized employee believe he (or she) is in Copenhagen where people are happy all year although they live in the dark-that's when I suggested to Ms Axe that she calms down until "you get a handle on things."

My Dad Pierre Elliot used to tell me Mom to "get a handle on things" when he noticed her raising her voice during change of life.