Improve User Experience via Digital Detox

Client focus

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd whose has recently changed his job title to VP of Technological Excellence and User Experience, explained to the leadership team how our clients provide feedback about their experience with our new software product release.

Carl’s exacts words were, “50% of our clients don’t know their ass from their elbow, 78% use Whatsapp to ask for tier 1 support 4 times a day instead of using common sense, and 25% have no complaints whatsoever, because they are on the take”.

Comrade Carl pulled out a flask on brandy, offered us all a drink, and continued. (My readers may want to note that I did not drink anything in line with my core value of sobriety and total control.)

And Carl continued, “If our clients were to undergo digital detox or smoke a joint, our experience of their user experience would improve drastically. ”

CEO Stan, who had been texting his wife stopped Carl in his tracks. “Comrade Carl, what kind of bullshit is that? Digital detox for users-are you fucking crazy Carl? Are your medications balanced?”

Comrade Carl looked me in the eyes, after first looking at my legs. “Gloria, Stan's ignorance is an HR problem. I know for a fact that client-focused digital detox eliminates a false sense of urgency that clients may experience. Just "go to work on Stan" to change his mind, kibinimat.” Then Carl walked out of the room, singing a ditty in Russian, Tsupchik.

If you ask me, I do know that the sophisticated  French are way ahead of the pack on digital detox. Perhaps I can put together a solution, in line with my core value of  "HR as solution architect.”

My Dad always used to use the term “ahead of the pack”, when he was referring to me.

Virtual Reality Toolkit for HR and Big Data Professionals

Against all odds

Banging his shoes on the mahogany table of our senior leadership team, Chief Nerd Comrade Carl Marks (who takes 20 mg of Lexapro to stabilize his mood) shouted: “Poshel na hui, either HR hires 20 fresh big data and IoT nerds to deliver the next software release on time, or we will need to pay a hefty default fine of over $2 million dollars due to our 3^rd rate legal team which HR hired”.

CEO Stan had enforced a freeze on headcount a month ago, as well as asking his HR business partner (c’est moi) to trim off the “excess fat” from our payroll, to the tune of 80 employees. Yet Stan knows that if we will need to pay the default fine, his position as CEO will be as tenuous as the French language in global business. Stan looked worried.

Comrade Carl called out to me in his feigned Russian accent, “Gloria, in the same way that I develop world class software against all odds, HR needs to simultaneously downsize, hire and preserve engagement and trust, unless all you ladies of HR want to get yourselves fired. What is your solution, kibinimat?”

CEO Stan called his Wife, Wifey, put her on the loudspeaker, and then said to me, “Gloria, what’s the plan?”

Cool as a cucumber, I replied, “As business partner, HR will migrate into the domain of virtual reality, whereby nerds are fired in reality yet continue to work for us in the domain of virtual reality. This postmodern approach is agile, flexible, global, sustainable, evidence and data driven”. Mais oui. The fully Monty.

Wifey said over the loud speaker, “that sounds very interesting Gloria. Is this a Scandinavian approach? How does that work”?

Ever since Wifey started buying furniture at Ikea, she tends to align “progress” with “Scandinavia”.

I promised that “the moment that Comrade Carl provides job descriptions for the fresh nerds he want to on-board, the HR team will “transition” to the concrete plan of virtual reality. As a matter of fact, I have delegated the practical aspects of this task to Ms Cynthia Axe, my vigorous  down-sizer”.

Comrade Carl, never one to be fooled, retorted that “you will get virtual job descriptions within a week, Gloria. Jesus Christ, you have nice legs.”

Legs and virtual reality

Acute Stress Management and the Leader's Role

Stress management

At noon, a leading online software journal published a review of Comrade Carl Mark's latest software release, calling it "a rehash of old ideas in a new package, with a bucket load of semi-functioning exotic feature which have dubious value. We rate it 2 on a 10 point scale". (Comrade Carl leads our Engineering Department).

At 12.05, Comrade Carl texted our CEO Stan an angry message, ccing me.

"HR is way behind the curve on internal communication; Gloria is not proactive.  Our staff must be made aware of  the value proposition of our product, which is a pearl. I have called an all-hands-on meeting at 1215 to expose our nerds to the truth. Please attend and grace us with your heavenly presence. Bring Gloria along-she needs to wake up and smell the coffee."

At 1215, I made my way to the Josef Stalin meeting room, where all his nerds were assembled. On the table in front of each nerd was a packet of Ciprolex and a bottle of wine, as well as a note from Carl saying "life is short, pop a pill". 

Comrade Carl Marks spoke for 3 hours. Carl first attacked HR for not being relevant. Then, Comrade Carl said that the software online magazine was "subversive garbage, financed by big banks, the German government, the CIA and the Mossad. Maybe even HR threw in a few bucks." Finally Carl attacked the clients, whom he described as "panicky and finicky, whining too much about user experience."

"Before we end this meeting, please let's close our eyes and hope that HR will get it right next time, and weed out subversive information by being proactive, kibinimat".

When the comrade finished, all his (big data/internet-of-things) nerds clapped their hands for 40 minutes, although only 10% understood English. All the nerds were noted texting their families  in tribal homelands during his talk.

Readers, Comrade Carl started taking Cipralex-Lexopro a week ago, 10 mg a day. His doctor, who is on my payroll as mental health consultant, told me discretely that he may need 20 mg, but even then, "don't expect all that much. Comrade Carl Marks is very unique."

Is HR too reactive?

Social responsibility and the Syria refugees

Avanti popolo

The white heterosexual who runs Diversity, Hugh White, stormed into our management meeting and asked, "what are we doing about the Syrian refugee problem, in line with our core values of social responsibility?"

CEO Stan was aghast, since Hugh came in just as we were discussing the short fall of sales and angry customer complaints from key users. "Gloria, get that weirdo out of the room, or you are fired." Stan yelled at me.

But Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, asked Stan if he could say a few words before Hugh left the room. Stan agreed, in line with his core value of inconsistency.

"The Syrian refugees do have a lot of characteristics of our nerds. They are highly mobile, they do not speak English, and the establishment perceives them as disposables. I suggest that HR launch a campaign to hire 40,000 refugees. Gloria, as first lady of HR, what do you think"?

I do not know too much about Syria, except that I had a classmate named Lynda whose parents came from Syria or Lebanon.  And I remember that her mom made great food and always complained how cold it was in Canada.

I do know however that core values  must be be ignored, but not overtly.

I said, "Comrade Carl, I will weave this into our 2016 stretch goals. Kindly provide job descriptions so that HR can move forward". 

"Kibinimat, Gloria, why does HR always put obstacles in our way. Avanti Popolo!" was the Comrade's non agile response.

I will tan white Hugh's hide when he least expects it. Revenge is best when served cold.

Gloria is informed about the Jewish New Year, and ruminates about Intersectional Diversity

The Jewish New Year, the Chinese New Year, and the Real New Year

This is what I was telling K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein, CEO Stan's chef as we boarded the executive elevator together. "Many of our nerds have tribal backgrounds and their own holidays, which makes it very hard to plan a corporate calendar. From an HR perspective, one size should fit all. We need to be more intersectional". 

As readers of this blog know, K Ray has mixed Catholic and Jewish ethnicity and he cooks cost effective lasagna for CEO Stan, daily. 

K Ray told me that tonight, it's the Jewish New Year. "Happy New Year, Gloria; you do not need to Jewish to enjoy our New Years", he said. 

K Ray shared with me that he embraces all the holidays of both religions  to "cash in on having such a fucked up background. I take a digital detox course during all religious holidays!"

When I reached my posh office, standing at the door was a certain Hugh White, the heterosexual White boy who heads Diversity.  Hugh also told me that the Jewish New Year is "almost upon us; it's on Monday, Gloria".

Hugh told me that the Jewish new year is a "diversity" issue, much like the Chinese new year, but the Jewish New Year is shorter. "And they don't give each year the name of an animal, unlike the Chinese", said Hugh. "Who doesn't?", I asked. Hugh look at me in dismay. (not next May)

I told Hugh that back in Moose Jaw Canada, I had a school classmate named Sharon Bernstein. Sharon had most of September off because of tribal holidays! Once Sharon told me that "September is a great time to be Jewish, why don't you convert, just for one month, Gloria".

I spoke to my Dad Pierre Elliot about that idea and he told me "I do not want to hear one more word from you about religion, be it yours or anyone else's, mon choux. Religion is superstition."

From an HR perspective, all these tribal holidays are an issue-between the Jewish New Year and the Chinese New Year and the real New Year (Jan 1), there is not much time to work.

And I remember something else. Sharon told me that the Jewish  new years is not all a happy time. "Our holidays entail a lot of suffering", Sharon told me. That may be why she converted after her 4th marriage. Anyway, Sharon became an IT guru in medium size warm data, moved to Denmark, and I lost contact with her.

 

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