Invented tradition

Coffee with Carl
Hebrew Translation 

Comrade Carl Marks invited me and CEO Stan to an all hands meeting with his big data and internet of things nerds in the Joseph Stalin Meeting Room, recently renamed the Vlad Putin Eagles' Nest.

In what was defined as a pep talk geared at better engagement, the comrade spoke about the massive success of our latest recent software releases, "which have hordes of happy users all over the world. No one matches our functionality and user interface experience. If the clients lack sophistication, it needs to be handled by Sales. So, keep up the good work, and if HR does not pay you properly, I will organize a union, kibinimat."

CEO Stan whispered in my ear. "Gloria, are Comrade Carl's medications balanced?" I whispered back that I assume that they are, in line with my core values of  purveying good news. 

Carl's nerds texted and mumbled in Russian during his presentation; few of them speak English. But when Carl finished, his nerds clapped their hands for 20 minutes and threw rice at him, which is a middle east tradition, I am told. 

Comrade Carl invited CEO Stan and me to coffee after his all hands meeting. As we downed our cappuccinos, Stan told Carl that he was a bullshit artist saying "we never have had one positive comment from a client about our products in a decade. Your claim is spurious". (Stan's native language is English).

Comrade Carl looked at Stan and said, "Stan, you are a Yank with tunnel vision. Who gives a rats ass about reality? We need to instill an invented tradition. And HR is not sophisticated enough to do the job, so I am shouldering the responsibility, zenga zenga!"

Christ Stan, when will Gloria and her shabby HR team shape up!"

Invented tradition

Dozing off during management meetings-an email thread

A good HR manager leverages here and now

To: CEO Stan

From: Gloria

Dear Stan,

The fact that our bizarre chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks talks for 3 straight hours in every leadership meeting we have, and then falls sleep when other team members (including me) speak up, appears to me as disrespect towards your stellar leadership.

Perhaps this is the time for you to lead. I have received a wow, shocking benchmark (via Whatapp) about how an agile CEO should react when a member of the leadership team dozes off in a leadership meeting, so just click.

I know that you respect Kim Jon-Un (one) and as my Dad Pierre Elliot used to say, "he appears to have it right, again".

Ms Cynthia Axe is at your disposal, for the "axing".

Gloria

To: Comrade Carl

CC: Gloria

From: Stan

Comrade Carl, Gloria has some ideas about improving management meetings. Please read the email that she sent me,  meet with her, and then present a "joint" front with her about how to move ahead. Not the type of "joint" you smoke in the parking lot.

Stan

To Stan

CC Gloria

From Comrade Carl Marks

Gloria, When I doze off, I dream of a world with no HR.

Spasiba for your attention. Kibinimat,  all the ladies of HR can be replaced by IT and an "enter" button.

Carl

Backing his HR business partner

Internet of things, Big Data and Democracy

Snap elections 

Chief Nerd (VP R&D) Comrade Carl Marks called snap elections in his Big Data and IoT team. (IoT is "internet of things" which is hot stuff.).

As I parked my car in my reserved spot marked "Chief People Officer and HR business partner," I was greeted by a geek handing out an election flyer with the Comrade's picture with slogans in Ukrainian, Russian, Urdu, Hindi, Hebrew and Chinese, the languages of our engineers ( whose passports HR keeps in safe holding).

On the way to my office, next to CEO Stan's, I stopped by Comrade Carl's office. He was speaking on 3 cell phones and it he appeared he had overdosed on adrenaline. He was swearing in Russian and a huge pile of big data was on his desk. Behind his desk was a poster which read "HR is the running dog  走狗 of Management-Vote Comrade Carl".

"Gloria", he greeted me, "I called these elections due to the zenga zenga leadership campaign which was foisted upon me. Kibinimat, once I have the legitimization of my beloved people, we will see big change, not chicken shit HR change management geared at engagement, whatever the f-ck that means. We will run our release commitment process  like a real democracy, negotiating software release time lines at the ballot box."

Comrade Carl then explained that most of his nerds don't come from real democracies like Iraq, so "they appreciate elections all the more". 

Carl Marks (the comrade)  then told me that he had seen an email from Stan to me, asking me to cancel the elections because "Carl has flipped once again, because no one knows what internet of things really is." Comrade Carl added that CEO Stan may be executed by the masses, in line with our core value of focus on execution.

Carl said, "not only have I not flipped Ramsbottom, but YOU should call elections as well to see if anyone wants you as HR manager, kibinimat. Btw, I would vote for you because you have nice legs".

I remember that my late Dad Pierre Elliot told me that if you ever speak to the average voter, you understand the problems of democracy.

One vote, due to nice legs

HR functions are particularly vital

Miss Axe- A vital function

I got a call from my Mom (Constance) today. "Gloria, did you not tell me that you have an assistant named Miss Cynthia Axe? Heavens, she appeared on the CBC today in one of my favourite programs, All About People". 

Dear readers, CBC is the Canadian Broadcasting Authority. Unlike my worldly late father Pierre Elliot who watched the BBC and US channels, Mom watches the CBC.

"Gloria, I did not know that firing people can be such a science! Heavens, it appears to me to be a ghastly way to earn money. Miss Axe claims that she does the actual work, whilst her colleague, a Canadian girl named Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux, does all the propaganda and sloganeering". 

Btw, my Mom uses the word "heavens" quite a lot.

Mom continued, "Anyway my dear daughter, I am proud that you allow your staff to expose themselves on the media. This gives you publicity as well. Mind you, her dressing is rather scanty". 

Readers, I never told you that Mom repeats herself. So the next thing she said was, "Gloria, did you know I saw your assistant, the young Ms Axe, on the CBC today?"

Finally Mom said, I just adore the HR melody that the CBC played  as they introduced Ms Axe. I never knew "Manpower" was so vital.

$30 a month (USD) for a recruiter

Plum's older sister

How did it come to pass that I hired Cynthia Axe's sister, Plum Axe, as our chief of recruitment, on a 3 month contract for a paltry sum of thirty dollar? (Isn't that a nice word?)

It all started in our management meeting today when our CEO Stan asked us if our leadership is "regenerative"?

Stan's motive for asking this agile question was, as always, to please his cerebral wife Wifey who went to a lecture on Regenerative Leadership and had had what she called a "mental orgasm" when she heard the details.

Comrade Carl Marks said, "regenerative leadership is just another slogan, kibinimat. Just another ploy by the consulting industry, much like zenga zenga. Can you imagine what would have happened if Russia had fought the Germans in Stalingrad using regenerative leadership?" 

Comrade Carl stopped speaking without warning. He took out his new LG 3 smartphone after his diatribe and began reading an article about Internet of Things in his Russian newspaper on line.

After the management meeting, I convened a meeting of my HR team, ie, with Hugh White (the white heterosexual who runs Diversity) and Ms Axe, Head of our Early Bird Retirement Program. I presented to the team the challenges of Regenerative HR. 

The very astute Miss Axe said, "Gloria, all we do is fire people. How can we be degenerative, sorry, regenerative? Why not hire my sister, Plum Axe, for 3 months this summer to do some recruitment? That should change our image"!

Hugh White said nothing; he was dozing off in the meeting. He and his wife Ludmilla have had a week long misunderstanding, not about big data to be sure.

Plum Axe starts to work in June, and she will  pay us $30 dollars USA a month, "learning fees" during her 3 month stint. I sent her a link with my recruitment guidelines on how to review a resume, agile or not, in 6 seconds.

Fast asleep during crucial meeting