Our clients could be as happy as pigs in shit, claims Comrade Carl Marks

Ladies of HR

To: Gloria, HR; Juliette; Sales, Stan, CEO

From: Comrade Carl Marks

Bcc: Big data cloud

Gloria and Juliette,

Lay off critiquing out great product.You two ladies simply don't get it. And believe me, I respect women in business. Enough is enough and poshel na hui!

We have just done 50 hours of testing on our new product. The results show that most of the so called bugs often disappear after a fairly simple reboot. However, our clients lack sophistication and the level of customer service we supply is a disaster.

Now, let’s cope with this as a team to get to the two root cause of our issues.

1) Juliette’s sales team cannot sell lemonade on a hot beach. The sales folks wine, dine and womanize and the results are 0, zilch, nada. Our product is a pearl yet the sales folks don’t know how to explain the added value of our technology.

2) The ladies of HR cannot recruit a loyal Russian to the Red Army. HR dilly dallies with procedures, nickel and dimes the staff, and tries to prevent unionization, which would serve us all well. If HR were to hire and train 4 service engineers who speak Albanian, Thai and Russian, our clients would be as happy as pigs in shit. Instead, HR floats slogans, farts (pardon me) and tap dances on the stage.

Based on this finding, I demand that our engineers get better proper support from Sales and HR.

FYI, the R&D team is going on a team outing to London, to see how a civilized people treat one another under pressure. Ramsbottom, please text me the budget code.

Comrade Carl Marks

R&D Chief

All recruiters have the same arrogant attitude, because they themselves have the shittiest job that there is

Dear Gloria

To: Gloria Ramsbottom HR

CC: CEO Stan, Cynthia Axe

BCC: Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, Svetlana, Svetlana

My dear Comrade Gloria, (VP of the so-called HR function)

You look great today. No one has legs like yours, Gloria. And don't think I do not notice your new posh British accent. Together with your mastery of big data, you are the cats' pyjamas, my dear Canadian comrade.

Nevertheless, in a spirit of comradeship, here are my supportive comments on level of substandard recruitment support that my heroic R&D department engineers get from the ladies of HR.

My beloved engineers say that too many worthy candidates are turned down, for no reason, kibinimat. That explains all of our schedule slips. I can back this up with 2 truckloads of big data.

I spoke to 7 engineers to get input-Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, Natalie, Svetlana and Svetlana, all of whom expressed disgust at the need to impress the young and brainless HR clerk, Ms Cynthia Axe who, "could not get a job even in the Moscow subway as a homeless beggar," to quote one of the Vlads. 

One of the two Svetlanas claimed that "all the recruiters have the same arrogant attitude, because they themselves have the shittiest  job that there is, and thus they are so vindictive."

I want to inform you that we do not need recruitment services any longer. I have empowered my team to use social media, cronyism and friendships to beef up our engine power.

Spasiba for reading this missive.

Comrade Carl Marks

Evidence-based Learning and Development Goals 2019

L&D-mais oui

Ever since I graduated from Secretaries Academy (L'Académie des secrétaires, in Montreal), I have underlined my belief in Learning and Development goals, especially given the diversity in the work force and our business needs as it were. 

(HR business partnership cares for business needs in the same way that a CFO makes sure that the numbers look good, as it were.) 

I have put together our six leading Learning and Development Goals for 2019. I used big data, cloud computing, a Swiss blockchain and the common sense of an alley cat.

• For Engineers: Learn English and eat less tribal food in cubicles and  evidence based learning

• For Diverse Populations: Be more productive than the average normal employee  and evidence based learning

• For HR: Further enhance the feeling of respect, trust and camaraderie that staff feel towards HR business partnership and evidence based learning

• For Sales: Focus on positives of our emerging technology and whimper less and evidence based learning

• For Supply Chain: Drive 30% of suppliers into receivership or abject poverty using evidence based learning

• For all: More respect of our dedicated senior management team, based on fear and deference as well as and evidence based learning

My own personal L&D goal is to improve my understanding of organizational politics, position myself for a Fortune 500 HR role, and acquire a slight British accent.

I love the term "as it were". It adds to my senior positioning.

When do managers need a coach

HR as platform for creativity

Our Friday management meeting was semi wow. 

Comrade Carl Marks, R&D chief had been asked to make a presentation vis a vis (French) the "road map to product stability".Our new product has 400,087 known bugs, most of them impact client revenue. As a result, even though we have big data, we have insufficient sales.

Comrade Carl started with his presentation with the claim: "Youb tvou mat, the product is pearl, Stan. The question is why are we not selling it, kibinimat." 

I have picked up some Russian and that expression means that Comrade Carl and Stan's late mother engaged, as it were, in some hanky panky.

Then Comrade Carl lashed out at Sales Chief Juliette Caesar: "Suka, you cannot sell an iced lemonade on the beach during a hot day".

The word "suka" refers to a female dog, as it were. I have no background Russian, but Comrade Carl's insistence in swearing on Russian has me adapting, as it were. (I am Canadian, 3/4 English and 1/4 French)

Then Comrade Carl took at a 23 slide power point slide show about "How HR blocks creativity". He mentioned that "I love Gloria as a person and she has great legs, but nevertheless..."

Comrade Carl, obviously inebriated, said that "HR has done everything it can to block creativity. All the wrong people are in the wrong roles, except in R&D."

Comrade Carl ended his speech with, "We need a union to protect our staff from more senseless downsizing; we need IT to take over HR and mechanize HR on a cloud-and we need to be a people company".

His final slide was: Vote Comrade Carl Marks. There was a picture on the slide of Comrade Carl shaking hands with some people in Bangalore.

"Comrade Carl is heading downhill, "said CEO Stan. "Get him a coach".

Useless hearsay vrs bigdata-what impacts Sales performance

Paltry?

Chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks lurched into my office today, huffing, puffing and cursing in Russian. "Kibinimat, did you read the email from Juliette Caesar"?

Juliette is the Head of Sales. Her "numbers" this quarter are "as poor as a church mouse", as my dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to say.

I opened my PC and read her email, which was far too long (over 100 words);  it violated our b brief policy.

"The major factors impacting the poor sales results are 

• 307,989 revenue impacting software bugs, 
• poor documentation, 
• products lack perceived added value, 
• poor reviews in domain literature, 
• attitude problems of the R&D manager Comrade Carl Marks who insists on feigning a Russian accent, 
• lack of linguistic skills of the customer service staff, 
• constantly changing specs for the next release." 

Juliette added: "The paltry sum our sales team receives is the cherry on top of the cake. The HR EVP, Gloria Ramsbottom, appears to be a mindless clerk focused on her own power."

I never knew that Juliette had such observation skills. 

Imho, Juliette will be "down for the count" before our Christmas party, which the Chinese, Jews and Muslims will attend, as per our global company diversity policy.

Dad used to watch Friday Night Boxing, piped in by cable TV from the States. I would always hear him yell, "Christ, he's down for the count, tabernac".

What is clear to me is that Ms Caesar did use some big data to make her argument, but she also used some useless hear say, as it were.

My suggestion to Ms Caesar and her mainly white and perfect English speaking team sales team will be to listen to a webinar on the power of positive attitude and spread some positive vibes around. 

That`s what my coach says to me all the time.

He used to pump gas.