Teaching our staff about Korean culture

When I arrived at work this morning, I happened to pass by the office of our CEO Stan and I heard some yelling and screaming.

Since I am Stan's HR business partner, my office is right next to his!  As I entered my room, I glued my ear to the wall, in line with my core value of "gathering big data".

CEO Stan told Comrade Carl Marks, head of Emerging Technologies, that that he had received a call from a Korean client's CEO who described our new product was a "piece of pure shit"; only 5 out of 40,888 features were operative. 

A very enraged Stan bellowed, "Comrade Carl, go to the customer site and solve the problem, and don't come back without a solution. Now get out of my office and get on a plane, Comrade Carl."

Comrade Carl came into my room, smiling as if he had just smoked a joint in our parking lot. `Gloria, I am sending 4 engineers to a customer site tonight. They need training about Korean culture, some added engineering skills in Internet of Things,communication skills, etiquette and a piece on managing customer expectations. They will leave to Seoul in 6 hours, so kindly have this training delivered to them in a webinar directly to their cellphone on the way to the airport. Spasiba``.

Comrade Carl has a sexual fetish for the Russian language and I have learnt that ``spasiba`` means thank you.

Immediately, I texted a training vendor in Lesotho, who had asked me for an ``opportunity to prove myself`` and I ordered the webinar. I charged the vendor $1000. 

I asked Hugh White (from Diversity) to do some `quality control` on the webinar, because the vendor is from Ebola stricken Africa.

Then I opened my Blackberry Passport and read the following text.

• To all our staff and management! We cannot be successful as long as HR does not understand the working class and promote their well being. Our product is a pearl yet our engineers are sent abroad to deal with every client whimper and whinge. HR does not advocate for the rights of engineers, kibinimat. We need a union. I am leading a 3 day strike. Starting now.

Comrade Carl

I texted the Lesotho vendor, and cancelled the webinar. 

10 things I expect from a perfect resume

b brief

I got a letter from a (male) fan in New Zealand, who wrote me: 

• "Dearest Gloria, The HR managers in NZ tend to be quite clerical, so I need some global input from you. Can you give us your vision about how to write proper resume? By the way, I love your use of the term "as it were", as well as your shapely legs. Fondly, Bernard. " 

Here is my answer.

Dear Bernard,

There are 10 basic components that I look for in a resume, which is a French word.

1) Does the candidate see HR as a strategic business partner?  Nothing is more critical than this. Look for signs of deference.

2) Does the candidate accept the fact that we "retire" people by text, in line with our core values of digital dominance.

3) Does the candidate speak perfect English preferably with a posh British accent (especially for HR and Sales roles)?

4) Can the candidate feign understanding of big data?

5) Is the candidate desperate enough that salary negotiations will be short?

6) Does the candidate whinge about flying night flights in economy class and taking buses from the airport?

7) How dominant is the candidates` spouse about work work life balance?

8) Does the candidate resist digital detox, even if the vendor is French?

9) Does the candidate have a passport to give me for safe holding? Does he have a return ticket to his tribal homeland? Does he eat normal food?Is the candidate mildly diverse, without special needs? (like having an Italian or Jewish name)

10) Does the candidate have any talent that we need to manage?

Bernard, I appreciate your recognition of my talent. Please spread the word about my site to your regional neighbours. My Dad, Pierre Elliot, said that New Zealand is "way off the map".

Gloria

Do accents impact a career?

French makes me exotic; Proper English makes me posh

My coach (who used to sell anti injury insurance to people who text whist driving) confronted me with an uncomfortable truth. "You are not posh enough", Gloria. 

My Dad (Pierre Elliot) never used the term posh, when I was growing up in Saskatchewan, My mom may have used it, but I was Daddy's girl.

There was some truth to what my coach said. When I gave my lecture last week at our Management Academy, I did notice that CEO Stan had closed his eyes. And I did notice that some our engineers, including old de Villiers, were looking at my legs and not focusing on the content, as it were. 

Talent Management, Sloganeering, HR Business Partnership leveraging Big Data are all more interesting than 2 Canadian legs, for heaven sake.

To rectify the problem, my coach told me to listen to tapes of Brits (not Scots) speaking English  and try to "emulate" their accent when pronouncing key words. For example:

In line with our core values...core should be cohr.

or

HR is a business partner....R should be Ahr.

or

As it were...were should be wahhr.

I tried this feigned British accent today when speaking to Comrade Carl Marks. He looked at me, and started speaking in Russian. I did not understand a word.(I have never of heard of a famous Russian HR manager. HR is a profession for the more developed, English speaking world, as it were).

And let's be frank and earnest. The British say the worst things the right way, whilst other more tribal languages sound so brutish. 

HR and English go hand in hand, like big data, engagement and sloganeering.

On Leadership and Followership

On leadership and follower-ship

Our CEO Stan is back at work, full of piss and vinegar, after a short hospitalization for an affliction that I do not wish to discuss.  (Stan keeps some Preparation H on his desk, which is small but big data.) 

Today was the first management meeting held since Stan returned, and we members of the management team thought the meeting would be jovial, as it were.

Stan, on the other hand, wanted to deliver a message about leadership and follower-ship.

I taped Stan's speech so that I could provide a "verbatim" version, as it were. Is verbatim French? Non! It's Roman.

"There is both a leadership and follower-ship issue in our firm. Issue, not problem, as Gloria aptly points out. The follower-ship problem is mainly between me and, you all, my management team. For Christ's sake, why are you not making your numbers?"

Then Stan got specific.

• Juliette Caesar, I am sick and tired of hearing about the deficiencies  in Comrade Carl's product, make you numbers, sell the product and stop whimpering. Since when is product quality an issue to Sales people?
• Comrade Carl, the product is a piece of shit, if I may say so myself. Fix the product Carl, kibinimat.
• Gloria, what is all this diversity crap? And upgrade the IT HR systems. Why can't HR be fully mechanized? The IT HR system is worse than our product. Wake up Gloria.

Then Stan ate a dark chocolate bar, drank some some root beer and continued:

"We also have a leadership problem in our company. And Comrade Carl Marks, the problem is you. 

Look at Gloria. Look how far she gets with just her raw ambition; her people work like slaves and she lives the Life of Riley, texting all day. Juliette Caesar managed to sell just 3 of your systems to Albania. 3 fucking systems Comrade Carl-that's a lot! Especially since these systems don't fucking work. And what you DO do Carl, teach you staff to swear in Russian and Arabic? Jesus. Are you out of your mind, Carl?"

Stan, whilst checking his email,  told me "I hate that fucking Canadian Blackberry Gloria; get me an I-phone 6".

Then Stan wrapped up the meeting."Gloria, I am oking 4 hours of coaching for all of us. Fix these problems in a week."

Shaming lesser colleagues is not wow wow, or even wow

Coming to a theatre near you

I received an text today from a girlfriend I went to school with back in Canada, Francine Fawn. Two F's . 

She is following my career and she told me she is so proud to know me. That makes sense!

Francine also suggested that I make a movie, to spread the word about how to do HR properly, globally and in a sustainable fashion. (Francine also told me that I look great. She told me that "all the girls in public school agreed that you had the nicest legs in Saskatchewan").

Her suggestion has its pros and cons. 

My Dad, Pierre Elliot, always used to tell me "Gloria be careful. Look at the pros and the cons." My mother always told my Dad, "Pierre Elliot, she'll never get married that way!"

The pros of this suggestion is that if I am frank and earnest, no one knows how to do HR better than I do. When I look in the mirror every morning, I see a thought leader, and big data master.

The cons are that I am surrounded by the wrong people, who will not go over well in a movie.

• Comrade Carl Marks speaks with a thick Leningrad accent, although he was born and bred in the US. 
• CEO Stan takes credit for everything, and I will look like side-show Bob, or Barbara, as it were.
• Straight Hugh White from Diversity is bizarre, and his obsession with sexual preferences will make all the movie into pornography. He is also so white that he cannot be filmed.
• Cynthia Axe carries "the mark of Cain" and makes the HR profession look shameful. She lacks compassion, and suffers from a downsizing obsession which makes me ill, as it were.

I discussed this with Francine and she made it clear that I should make the film anyway. Francine is one of my most sane friends.

She also suggested that I say a few words in French in the movie, to illustrate that HR business partnership can be exotic, as it were.

I love the term "as it were."

Here is the major challenge: I do not want to embarrass my HR colleagues who would be exposed to our state-of-the-art way of doing things.

I need the input and comments. Should I move ahead, in a timely fashion?