Recruiting strategies for the elderly- Geezer Work Package Offer

I prepared a flier to be distributed in old age homes, and in the lobbies of dentists, dermatologists, and cardiologists, describing our company as “Le Lieu de Travail en Rose” — yes, reminiscent of that classic Edith Piaf tune, and yes, we encourage humming along during Zoom calls.

In the flier, I skillfully skim over the non-wow aspects—long hours, furious clients, mandatory DEI webinars—and instead focus on our GWPO, our Geezer Work Package Offer™.

Nerds 65+ who sign up will receive the following life-enhancing goodies:

• Stool softeners, because nobody should fight physics at work

• Three toilet breaks per hour (because one is just sad)

• One free operation per year on any bodily part from the knees down (yes, even your toes can finally get that makeover they deserve)

• Enlarged fonts on all devices (your eyes, your laptop, your neighbor’s laptop—whatever)

• Hearing aids for those in service roles++ (for those who want them; others may perfect the art of nodding thoughtfully)

• Back support for chairs and rocking chairs (we care about your lumbar and your swaying rhythm)

• One week’s vacation in a Danish tent by a lake, fully sponsored (mosquitoes not included)

We distributed the fliers last week. Already, we’ve had 50 calls… all of which went straight to our voicemail hiring bot. Malheureusement, the bot promptly deleted all of them because our outsourced IT team configured it to accept only CVs from refugees under 30 with no children.

As of Monday, this will be fixed—or I will be “fixed,” as CEO Stan kindly reminded me with his usual calm smile.

++For nerds in service roles who are hard of hearing but refuse a hearing aid: fear not! We fully support feigned listening to all client complaints. Mastering the nod-and-smile technique is optional but highly recommended.

Decolonizing the client: Comrade Karl goes on a rant

Comrade Karl Marx, our VP of Software Development and User Experience Czar asked me in a Whatsapp message 'when is Martin Luther King Day?"

I am on sabbatical in Denmark, living the life of Riley, pro bono-near a lake and thus, I did not answer him.

Rumor has it that Comrade Karl convened all his nerds during today's lunch in his meeting room, Lavrentiy Beria Hall.  On the screen was a picture of MLK, Kim Jong-un and Lester Pearson. Comrade Karl has always had a eclectic streak in him.

When the clock struck 12.30, the Comrade spoke. "Friends, countrymen and nerds with a green card working for a halfpenny: a client should be judged not by the money he pays, but by the degree of tolerance he displays for the bugs in our product and our ever maturing documentation. I have come not to praise our CFO Herr Krebbs, but to bury him. From on this stage, Herr Krebbs, I demand, ask not what we can do to our clients, but what our clients can do to bolster our image".

Herr Krebbs, who hails from Bonn unt speaks vita German accent, muttered to himself (rumor has it), er hat Verstand verloren. Our CEO, Stan, who was sitting next to Karl, said, "For Christ's sake, Herr Krebbs, speak English".

Comrade Karl rambled on until 15.00 (3pm) quoting the Bible, the Communist Manifesto and weaved in a unique idea. Apparently he is said to have claimed-"I am white boy, but this is no matter". He quoted from TS Eliot's Prufrock:  

And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,

When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall..

Continuing his reason the Comrade claimed that "we need to decolonize the clients' sense of privilege, even if he isn't white. Who cares about a few bugs here and there; does anyone know what the role of service is: they clean up the mess? Jesus Christ-when did people start asking questions instead of focusing on knowledge acquisition. Our clients, down the last of them, lack a sense of fairness."

Our CEO, Stan was standing due to 1) his irritation with Karl and 2) his bum was itching because of his hemorrhoids. "Tovarish Comrade Karl, enough is enough. People have an attention deficit from looking at their fucking cell phones all day. Come into my office, without the joint you are smoking. I want to have a word with you. I sure wish Gloria was here, and not living on someone's property over there in Denmark."