On the Occasion of a Bereavement
Should an employee experience the inconvenience of losing a family member, they are required to submit a Grief Initiation Form (GIF-7b) no later than 48 hours prior to the death. Retroactive grief applications will be reviewed by a panel of three HR professionals-ladies for the most part.
Upon approval, the bereaved employee is entitled to the following compassionate package:
- A commemorative mug reading "Someone I Knew Has Passed On and All I Got Was This Mug"
- One (1) motivational poster of their choosing from our Resilience Wall (excludes the sunset one, which is reserved for redundancies)
- A bus pass valid for travel to the cemetery, provided the cemetery is located within walking distance of a bus stop
- Access to our Grief Chatbot, CONDOLA™, available Tuesday through Thursday, 11am–11:07am
Leave duration is capped at four (4) days, or until the employee has achieved Closure, whichever comes first. Closure will be assessed via a short questionnaire administered on Day 3 by our Wellness Bot, Harriette.
Equipment Return Upon Employee Death
In the event that it is the employee themselves who has died, their laptop must be returned within the hour. The laptop may be delivered by a designated Next of Kin (NOK), a solicitor, or the employee's ghost, provided the ghost has signed our standard Visitor NDA.
The deceased's team is permitted to order one (1) pizza in their memory. Anchovies are at the discretion of the Line Manager. The pizza may be eaten on company time, provided it is consumed while working.
Grandparents
The death of a grandparent is acknowledged with a moment of silence, scheduled for the next available All-Hands meeting. The moment of silence shall last no longer than 40 seconds. If the grandparent was particularly old, a bonus 10 seconds may be approved by the CFO.
Pets
Pets are not family. However, we recognize that some employees believe they are, and we respect their right to be wrong. One (1) hour of Bereavement-Adjacent Time (BAT) may be taken per deceased pet, not to exceed three (3) pets per calendar year. Fish do not qualify unless they were named.
Appeals
All decisions made under this policy are final, binding, and written in a font that cannot be changed. Appeals may be submitted in triplicate to the Compassion Sub-Committee, which meets annually, on a date yet to be determined, in a room that has not yet been booked-although not daily.
This policy supersedes all previous versions of itself, including the one nobody read. Approved by: Everyone Relevant Last Updated: Recently Enough
- March 25, 2026
