How to dissolve your DEI team without throwing away the baby with the bathwater, if you get my drift

 

                                      

Bathwater 

In line with being aligned with major and minor trends in the HR profession, I have decided to restructure our DEI group, eliminating it entirely yet preserving its major value. I like contradicting goals all blended into one statement.

Ethel-William, our building superintendent, will alas be asked to use the mens' lavatory. 

Carmen Vega-Schwartz-McNabe-Hernandez-Korsakov will be terminated. True, she helped us achieve an award for being so diverse, but indeed her accrued value is caduc.  Caduc is a French word.

The staff restaurant will not be serving Ethiopian food on Monday nor Asian food on Tuesday. Nor Korean food on Wednesday. Nor Arabian food on Thursday. Nor French Canadian pea soup on Friday.

New staff will no longer need to apologize that they are white, even if they are male, or even straight.

We will insist that new hires speak excellent English, even in they are Thai, Scottish or Japanese. 

Danish passports for unhappy customer service reps will be replaced with Cipralex and Seroquel. Being a Dane may have equaled happiness, until Trump came to power.

Sick leave for infirm/sickly nerds (asthma, more than 2 colds a year, sniffling) will be limited to one day a year, after 5 years of service. 

Diversity training will be replaced by British accent training, or, watching old versions of Father Knows Best. Or watching Bonanza.

Prayer services will take place at 9 am. The Reverend Comrade Karl Marks is presiding.

Hugh White's name has been deleted from our records, like Nikolai Yezhov. Hugh was the straight white boy who ran DEI. He is gone gone. Ugandans often say a word twice for emphasis.

To make a long story short, diversity is still a value, so to speak, but not a core value. It's dispensable, like all values.

 

Recruiting strategies for the elderly

Hiring young nerds is fraught with problems. For those of my readers who don't speak English well, fraught describes a situation that "may be highly problematic". Younger nerds need higher salaries since they tend to proliferate; furthermore "work-life balance" (a term I detest) often has impacted their immune system.

Our CEO Stan recently asked me "why don't we hire a few old geezers? Gloria, prepare a plan asap."

So that's what I did, in line with my core value of being an obedient business partner.

I prepared a "flier" to be distributed in old age homes, in the lobbies of dentists, dermatologists and cardiologists which describes our company as " le lieu de travail en rose", which reminds me of a French song, by Edith Piaf.

In the flier, I skim over and de-focus the non-wow need for long hours, the non wow wow  interface with furious customers and DEI training-and focus on our new GWPO, our Geezer Work Package Offer".

Nerds over 65 will receive, upon signing up, the following goodies:

• stool softeners
• 3 toilet breaks an hour
• one free operation a year, in any bodily part from the knees down
• enlarged fonts on their PC
• hearing aids for those in service roles++
• back support for their chairs and rocking chairs
• one week (free of charge) holiday near a Danish lake, in a tent

I distributed the fliers last week, and we have already had 50 calls, which went to our voicemail hiring bot. Malheureusement*, the bot erased all the calls, since our  outsourced IT department had configured the bot only accept the CVs of refugees under the age of 30, with no children. 

As on Monday, this will be sorted out-or else I will be "sorted out", as our CEO Stan explained to me. 

++BTW, nerds in service roles who are hard of hearing but do not want a hearing aid, that's fine. We promote feigned listening to our clients' beefs.

*Unfortunately- in French

Decolonizing the client: Comrade Karl goes on a rant

Comrade Karl Marx, our VP of Software Development and User Experience Czar asked me in a Whatsapp message 'when is Martin Luther King Day?"

I am on sabbatical in Denmark, living the life of Riley, pro bono-near a lake and thus, I did not answer him.

Rumor has it that Comrade Karl convened all his nerds during today's lunch in his meeting room, Lavrentiy Beria Hall.  On the screen was a picture of MLK, Kim Jong-un and Lester Pearson. Comrade Karl has always had a eclectic streak in him.

When the clock struck 12.30, the Comrade spoke. "Friends, countrymen and nerds with a green card working for a halfpenny: a client should be judged not by the money he pays, but by the degree of tolerance he displays for the bugs in our product and our ever maturing documentation. I have come not to praise our CFO Herr Krebbs, but to bury him. From on this stage, Herr Krebbs, I demand, ask not what we can do to our clients, but what our clients can do to bolster our image".

Herr Krebbs, who hails from Bonn unt speaks vita German accent, muttered to himself (rumor has it), er hat Verstand verloren. Our CEO, Stan, who was sitting next to Karl, said, "For Christ's sake, Herr Krebbs, speak English".

Comrade Karl rambled on until 15.00 (3pm) quoting the Bible, the Communist Manifesto and weaved in a unique idea. Apparently he is said to have claimed-"I am white boy, but this is no matter". He quoted from TS Eliot's Prufrock:  

And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,

When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall..

Continuing his reason the Comrade claimed that "we need to decolonize the clients' sense of privilege, even if he isn't white. Who cares about a few bugs here and there; does anyone know what the role of service is: they clean up the mess? Jesus Christ-when did people start asking questions instead of focusing on knowledge acquisition. Our clients, down the last of them, lack a sense of fairness."

Our CEO, Stan was standing due to 1) his irritation with Karl and 2) his bum was itching because of his hemorrhoids. "Tovarish Comrade Karl, enough is enough. People have an attention deficit from looking at their fucking cell phones all day. Come into my office, without the joint you are smoking. I want to have a word with you. I sure wish Gloria was here, and not living on someone's property over there in Denmark."

 

2025's challenges for the HR manager: and how to handle all 4 of them

 I have been on a sabbatical recently, getting a PhD in AI and German grammar. The AI stuff was easy. 

I won't talk about the German grammar part.

Anyway 2025 is upon is, and from what I understand,  Australia,  New Zealand, Samoa and the Canary Islands are already well into 2025-if I am not mistaken. So I'd better hustle and set forth my four part blueprint for 2025's HR thought leaders.

1-The implementation of transgender toilets has been "pushed out" to a later date. This is not because transgender toilets are unimportant, but because our plan to hire transgender employees was frozen by our head of R&D, Comrade Karl Marks, who just returned from the mid east. Here is what Karl blurted out at an all hands meeting:

 "The woke crowd have been caught with their pants down. The whole map of interests is shifting. We need to hire better engineers, without any PC criteria. HR Diversity is a thing of the past, just like OD and the slogan that "people matter".  Long live Otto Van Bismarck."

Thus, I plan to reintroduce transgender toilets when the Dems are back in power. In other words, don't hold your (m) or your (f) breath.

2) I cannot emphasize how important AI is to the future of HR. It's as important as flossing your teeth or washing your hands after a stay in the toilet. I have set up an AI committee, we will celebrate "AI Monday" weekly and ....get this....we will hire 5 nerds names AI-leen, male or female. Sorry, female.

3) Working from Home is now a crime against humanity. Unlike scurvy, it it is not lethal to the employee, but rather to the firm. Yes- there are mitigating circumstances due to which working from home will be permitted-for example earthquakes near HQ, civil war or an outbreak of leprosy. But don't bet the farm that WFH will be tolerated. Thank you for your understanding.

4) HR strives for gender equality-especially in hiring, downsizing and medical care for various intimate diseases. We hire pregnant staff, whether male or female, as long as the candidate verify their ten-month plan, which can be downloaded almost anonymously on line.

 

It's done: my HR department is all digital

 

It's done; my HR department has been digitalized, leveraging on AI, bigdata, small data, windows 11 as well as fully in line with my core value of "saving my own ass".

Here's why:

As we transitioned into the last leg of 2024 it became clear that our client base was not aligned with our growth plan; thus the need to adapt to the devolving nature of our non-positive growth.

Here's how:

Our Diversity Chief, Hugh White who is (was) white and heterosexual, passed away when hit in the head by an axe wielded by his wife Ludmilla White, perhaps due to a misunderstanding about Hugh's whereabouts. I decided to digitalize Diversity because our board members decided to "fire the bitch (me)  if she wastes money hiring people who can't speak English and is opposed to not checking peoples' chromosomes in order to determine what crapper to use". 

Nowadays, Diversity is handled by voice enabled software that determines colour, sexual proclivity and level of HR services available. All staff will be asked to read the latest and greatest book on Diversity.

Cynthia Axe, our former Chief Downsizer, moved to Denmark because "I want to be happy". She has a government job, giving out free housing to immigrants.  All our downsizing is now done via AI. All employees get a buzzer which gives them a slight electric shock when they have been downsized, and virtual reality removes them from the office even before they have actually left.

One on one coaching and business partnering is now executed by our two bots, Pauline and Mao. Pauline speaks in a Scottish accent and Mao speaks in a Chinese accent. Most of our nerds come from India, Israel and Russia, and we are developing a bot to handle the relevant tongues spoken by the aforementioned. In Russia people speak Russian or Ukrainian and in Israel, people speak in Hebrew or Russian, Russian or Russian. In India, there are 87878 languages.

With my entire department digitalized,  my focus is on augmenting my skills in AI, predictive analysis about not-meeting-deadlines as well as preemptive counter-strikes against employees who bad mouth us to our clients. 

I stop at nothing in order to maintain our reputation. I learnt that from a blog written by an African. I am global and very diverse.