Let's rewrite the ten commandments, in line with being in lockstep with current megatrends

 

"A time to be born and a time a die"; I remember that from Bible Class. 

There are many ways to convey the same idea: 

Kol kelb biji yomo-every dog's (final) days comes, one of our Yemenite nerds told be, before he was deported back to Sa'ana for working without a visa in the framework of our Diversity Plan 2025, aka, "Give everyone a Chance".

All good things comes to an end. That's what Dad Pierre Elliot told me, when he returned from a week skiing without my mother Constance.  

So yes, even the ten commandments need to change. 

I am not referring to a  Biblical version, heavens no! Just our management credo which we also named the Ten Commandments to "spike it" up a bit. Here is the newest version.

1) When in doubt, create coalitions to support your POV.

2) Deflect ownership of issue by stealth by asking questions, ccing everyone possible and asking for more data.

3) Feign listening skills when you are busy.

4) Use terms like "phased delivery", "mitigating circumstances" and "bounce back supporting strategy".

5) Turn off your camera in Zoom calls, to add a dimension of secrecy.

6) Drag your feet quietly when faced with a tough deadline.

7)  Use AI whenever possible, or at least talk about it.

8) Read commandment 7.

9) Respect the HR lady, that your days may be long upon the Earth.

10) The word Diversity needs to be replaced with a new word that starts with D...like deportation, or at least use a small "d" when referring to hiring people with disabilities, or people of color, Asians or Jews.

 

2026 Mission for HR Ladies (and Brave Gentlemen Who Dare Enter the HR Realm)

Flying back to Moose Jaw for vacation was not the glamorous affair I envisioned — despite my first-class ticket and exclusive access to the Premier Jet Set Executive Senior Lounge (where they serve sparkling water that costs more than my car). 

Air Canada, in its infinite wisdom, delayed my flight by six hours. As if that weren’t enough, my 141-year-old mother kept texting me for “updates.” She’s become rather ornery — and if you don’t know what that means, please Google it immediately and question your life choices.

But, being the embodiment of my core value, “Leveraging Crisis for the Best,” I decided to turn this dire situation into an opportunity: planning my 2026 goals. Technically, I already planned 2026 back in 1999, but I do believe in “Flexible Steadfastness” — which means occasionally changing a word in a PowerPoint slide and calling it “strategic realignment.”

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Goal 1: Smashing Defeatism

Too many of my HR colleagues act as if the world has changed. “Oh, the workplace is evolving!” they cry, sipping their oat lattes and embracing “empathy.” Poppycock. There is no order but the old order, and HR is the lubricant that keeps the machinery of mediocrity running smoothly. We are not therapists. We are not life coaches. We are the gatekeepers of policies nobody reads, and we shall smash defeatism with the righteous fury of a rejected vacation request.

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Goal 2: Ending the #WFH Apocalypse

This so-called “working from home” has gone far enough. Productivity is down, waistlines are up, and people now think “putting on pants” counts as a deliverable. Employees are demanding perks like “better laptops” and “compensation for lunch.” (What’s next? Paid oxygen?)

In 2026, #WFH ends. And if it doesn’t end, it ends anyway. How long must we let our office plants die of loneliness while our workforce, whom I once heroically recruited from a raft in the Indian Ocean, mutters about “work-life balance”?

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Goal 3: Let Them Eat Cake (Again)

This one’s simple. Our cafeteria has gone too far down the road of “global cuisine.” Too much spice. Too much rice. Too many dishes that require pronunciation guides. Meanwhile, the humble cheesecake — once the shining star of our dessert galaxy — has vanished.

For the sake of tradition (and my lactose dependency), 2026 will see the triumphant return of cheesecake. Diversity is important, but so is a decent slice of dessert that doesn’t try to teach me geography.

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Goal 4: Let the Punishment Fit the Crime

Our workforce includes brilliant minds from countries where jaywalking is punished by a public sword fight. This has made traditional HR “disciplinary action” (stern email, optional workshop) about as intimidating as a scented candle.

So here’s my plan: misbehaving employees will be reassigned to Accounts Payable for a week. Under the iron fist of Herr Krebbs, they will learn what true suffering is — endless spreadsheets, acronyms nobody explains, and the smell of burnt toner. Justice, at last.

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And there you have it.

2026 will be the year HR reclaims its rightful place: not as the office’s emotional support unit, but as the tireless enforcer of order, policy, and cheesecake.

Happy New Year to all — may your KPIs be crushing and your mother’s texts mercifully brief

Outdated fluff

 

After being asked a query about training needs, my AI powered assistant, Miss Axe  recommended a webinar for our team of software aficionados—something brief, impactful, and with that elusive "wow" factor. 

As expected, Miss Axe responded in nanoseconds with a suggestion: “Meeting and Yet Exceeding Customers' Expectations.”

The webinar, generously posted for free on YouTube by its facilitator, Julia Julio Delores Sanchez O’Conner, seemed promising. I messaged her on WhatsApp to see if she could adapt the content to suit our particular needs. She replied that she'd first need to speak with our Head of Development, Comrade Karl Marks.

We also touched on fees. I floated the idea that, should she tailor the webinar gratis, I’d give her a glowing plug. I sensed she might be operating on a tight budget, and she agreed.

However, Comrade Marks flatly refused even to entertain the idea of speaking with her. I’m attaching his response—judge for yourself:

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From: Karl Marks
To: Gloria
Subject: Re: Webinar Nonsense

Gloria,

Kibinimat, you've outdone yourself once again. Your over-reliance on AI and under-reliance on your brain have led you astray. "Meeting customer expectations" is as outdated as Methuselah—who, as you may recall, was extremely old. Ask any preacher.

That kind of fluff expired in the 1950s, around the same time Beria met his end courtesy of the NKVD.

Software, by its very nature, is half-baked. It takes years to mature—like a banana. Most clients, bless their hearts, lack the mindset or technical sophistication to appreciate our work. Let’s be honest: they’re often delusional about what to expect.

Pizdiets. The real challenge is not meeting expectations, but managing them—something you should know by now, silly girl.

In my long career across both Russia and the former USSR, we’ve perfected three key tactics for managing customer expectations:

1. Feigned listening

2. Promises of future functionality (on the other hand)

3. A weekend in Detroit

I’m currently cruising down the Volga, but we’ll speak when I return.

Karl

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After reading Karl’s charming email, I took the executive elevator down. When the doors opened—lo and behold—Comrade Karl was just pulling out of the car park.

Diversity is still a value, so to speak, but not a core value. It's dispensable, like all values.

 

                                      

Bathwater 

In line with being aligned with major and minor trends in the HR profession, I have decided to restructure our DEI group, eliminating it entirely yet preserving its major value. I like contradicting goals all blended into one statement.

Ethel-William, our building superintendent, will alas be asked to use the mens' lavatory. 

Carmen Vega-Schwartz-McNabe-Hernandez-Korsakov will be terminated. True, she helped us achieve an award for being so diverse, but indeed her accrued value is caduc.  Caduc is a French word.

The staff restaurant will not be serving Ethiopian food on Monday nor Asian food on Tuesday. Nor Korean food on Wednesday. Nor Arabian food on Thursday. Nor French Canadian pea soup on Friday.

New staff will no longer need to apologize that they are white, even if they are male, or even straight.

We will insist that new hires speak excellent English, even in they are Thai, Scottish or Japanese. 

Danish passports for unhappy customer service reps will be replaced with Cipralex and Seroquel. Being a Dane may have equaled happiness, until Trump came to power.

Sick leave for infirm/sickly nerds (asthma, more than 2 colds a year, sniffling) will be limited to one day a year, after 5 years of service. 

Diversity training will be replaced by British accent training, or, watching old versions of Father Knows Best. Or watching Bonanza.

Prayer services will take place at 9 am. The Reverend Comrade Karl Marks is presiding.

Hugh White's name has been deleted from our records, like Nikolai Yezhov. Hugh was the straight white boy who ran DEI. He is gone gone. Ugandans often say a word twice for emphasis.

To make a long story short, diversity is still a value, so to speak, but not a core value. It's dispensable, like all values.

 

Recruiting strategies for the elderly

Hiring young nerds is fraught with problems. For those of my readers who don't speak English well, fraught describes a situation that "may be highly problematic". Younger nerds need higher salaries since they tend to proliferate; furthermore "work-life balance" (a term I detest) often has impacted their immune system.

Our CEO Stan recently asked me "why don't we hire a few old geezers? Gloria, prepare a plan asap."

So that's what I did, in line with my core value of being an obedient business partner.

I prepared a "flier" to be distributed in old age homes, in the lobbies of dentists, dermatologists and cardiologists which describes our company as " le lieu de travail en rose", which reminds me of a French song, by Edith Piaf.

In the flier, I skim over and de-focus the non-wow need for long hours, the non wow wow  interface with furious customers and DEI training-and focus on our new GWPO, our Geezer Work Package Offer".

Nerds over 65 will receive, upon signing up, the following goodies:

• stool softeners
• 3 toilet breaks an hour
• one free operation a year, in any bodily part from the knees down
• enlarged fonts on their PC
• hearing aids for those in service roles++
• back support for their chairs and rocking chairs
• one week (free of charge) holiday near a Danish lake, in a tent

I distributed the fliers last week, and we have already had 50 calls, which went to our voicemail hiring bot. Malheureusement*, the bot erased all the calls, since our  outsourced IT department had configured the bot only accept the CVs of refugees under the age of 30, with no children. 

As on Monday, this will be sorted out-or else I will be "sorted out", as our CEO Stan explained to me. 

++BTW, nerds in service roles who are hard of hearing but do not want a hearing aid, that's fine. We promote feigned listening to our clients' beefs.

*Unfortunately- in French