4 candidates for Employee of the Year

I vote for Boris Ivanovich

The "final" list of nominees for Employee of the Year has been released.

The winner will be chosen by a bi-partisan team consisting of Stan, our CEO, VP HR Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux and EVP R&D Carl Marks.

Candidate #1   Sharon Levy (male, Tel Aviv)


Sharon was nominated because his 3 mobile phones are on 24 hours a day; he texts in traffic and answers all emails instantly, backing up his answer with a text message.

Candidate #2   Ivan Stachanovitch (male, Moscow)


Ivan has worked 4 years without a day off. He has met his wife once and does not know the name of his children. (The question needs to be asked if there are his children...my father Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom would have said.)

Candidate #3      Jean-Marie Desjardins (male, Paris-mais oui)


Jean Marie worked for 2 half days during August last year on a client issue.

Candidate #4      Dick Ricardson (male, Burlington Vermont)

Dick is American born yet knows a foreign language. He can speak 9 words of Spanish !

Top 3 disciplinary items and corrective actions

Our company, Immature Products,  has a vast array of non wow disciplinary issues, given that a lot of our work force is not located in Germany, the UK and the global USA.

Here are our top 3 problems, and the solutions meted out by Cynthia Axe, Head of Early Bird Retirement Plan.
As the song goes: My object all sublime, I will achieve in time, to let the punishment fit the crime.

1) Having a strong accent in a concall

This happens to many of our Russian, Indians, Israelians and Chinese engineering labourers. However, the Thais have more infrigmenents than anyone else.
For each time an American says "can you repeat that", the worker with the accent is fined 2 dollars.

2) Not texting whilst driving

Stan values our safety. So he demands people wear safety belts. In parallel, texts and sms messages from Stan da Man are to be answered "in an urgent fashion", in line with our core values.
For each text which is not answered due to driving, the slovenly labourer is sent to Moscow for a week in January.

3) Not valuing HR Business Partnership 

Some people call me and Cynthia nasty names. The word usually rhymes with pitch, or Mitch.
The fine meted out is to get tenure in R&D.

HR makes Planning Fairer & More Robust

Was planning fair? j'men callice...until today

Stan texted me this AM: "Glo, no one plans better than the Germans; drop by my office". 

Background:  

Wifey read an article in a German newspaper Junge Welt, which claimed that workers worldwide are being mis-treated; yearly goals are too rigid and un-doable; the worker gets "screwed", says the article, which was translated to English. (I do not speak German, but I have mastered French). 
(The word screwed is not considered global in our company.)

I cannot understand why Wifey reads newpapers in German! Only Austrians and Germans speak German, as well as a few people in Haifa, which is a city near Munich, Austria.

The Task:

Stan has asked me to make our planning process more "robust, sustainable and fair". 
Stan told me that he needs to show Wifey how "considerate" our planning process is, by the end of this week.

My Initial Thoughts:

For heaven sake-why is HR tasked with this task?
Was this not the role for planning and control chief, Hans Schäfer, who joined the Early Bird Retirement Plan last quarter, a victim of the over zealous Cynthia Axe?

Why are there two dots over the "a"? Is this global?

My Plan:

1-At the end of each year, all goals and MBO's will be "retrofit."
2-Performance criteria will be set for the following year, without goals.
3-Compensation will be linked 10% to last year's goals and 10% to next years' goals. 80% will be discretionary.
4-This entire global  process will be given to Cynthia Axe to administer. This may boast her "sagging" popularity. Ms Axe heads our semi Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan.
5-Employees who show poor motivation, or read articles about big data all day, or are poor team players, will get an extra set of stretch goals, but NO plan how to make it happen. They will need to 'manage themselves".

Stan texted me: "Gr8 Glo; shake a leg and get this done by the weekend."

Back to school policy (police-Y)

Alors, back to school.

CEO Stan asked me to prepare a back to school policy.

Stan briefed me: Stan loves his children and, to a great extent, he somewhat values their education.  Stan also values "child functional independence" (CFI)  and "infant robustness".

Before writing the policy, I consulted my on line life-style coach who has an on line coaching certificate. He used to pump gas and before that, he was is a tattoo master as well! Mais oui!

Anyway, let's get back to the point. Below are the details of the back to school policy, based on augmenting  "child functional independence" and "infant robustness"; implementation starts on Monday morning.

• Children should return to school un-escorted.
• Parents should help their children do homework using our "virtual parenting wizard", which is currently in development in Bangalore. Lahore, Jerusalem and other parts of the third world. This wizard will have an interface of 45 languages (including broken English) and is expected to be 78.65% robust .
• Children should never call parents at work; texts are permitted if fever is over 100, before tax.

HR measurements will monitor compliance with this policy, as part of our "Managerial Maturity" index.

Ms  Cynthia Axe owns compliance  of the back to school policy. Ms Axe is working on improving her popularity, having hired a Reputation Coach, and flashing some cleavage.

The easiest way to avoid litigation against HR

HR (and RH) can easily avoid litigation

Dear CEO Stan,

I complained to Ms.Cynthia Axe from HR's heinous Early Bird Retirement about the demand that we take con-calls even when in the toilet. She fired me.

I am suing you for $12 m dollars.

Igor

Dear Igor,
I reinstate you; I have informed my business partner, EVP HR Gloria. I have oked a 40% raise and a new Samsung 6.
CEO Stan

To Gloria, ( by  text)...Update toilet-based con-call policy.

Tell Axe to be more moderate, in line with our core values of "avoid litigation"

Stan

To: all

From: Gloria

Following a semi wow string of events, here is our policy on the issue on con calls in the toilet.

1) CEO Stan supports gastro-intestinal health.

2) Talking part in conference calls whist on the toilet is, for the most part, neither global nor sustainable. It is not fully aligned with our core values of "avoiding litigation".
3) In parallel, special toilets adapted for the use customer service engineers, big data nerds, Sales people and the whining Continuing Engineers who are "fielding" mission critical calls. All calls are mission critical, unless defined differently by Ms Cynthia Axe, who is easily accessible every third Tuesday at 7 am.

4) Employees are encouraged to take care of the gastro issues at the appropriate time, in line with our key values of work work work life balance.

HRIS to move to IT

Dear all,
The perky and energetic HR manager we all love and respect is on a one day holiday in the framework of work work work work work work life balance.
This is an apt time to announce, effective immediately,  that HRIS will report into Winston Wu, Senior VP of IT/Management Information Systems.
HR will now focus on core issues, like work ethic, work work work/life balance, copensation,resizing, compliance, a civil level of discourse, loyalty, engagement, sustainablity, polygraph testing, driving out inefficiencies, outsourcing, and keeping a smile on everyone's face.
Stan

Gloria is out of office (OOO)

Thank you for texting me.השימוש בעברית אסורה עפ"י חוק  
I appreciate you. I value the Human Resource. 
YOU are SO damn important to me. Where would I be without people to care about....probably in Purchasing. Purchasing and HR are similar....but Purchasing puts the focus on vendors.

I am away on a one day yearly vacation, in line with our core values. I struggle to leave my office , even for a single day. 
(I also struggle to accept that Winston Wu, IT lead, is now my peer.)

If you are Stan, call me and I will drop to my knees. You can reach me by phone, Whatssup, Google Talk or Skype.

If you are not Stan and you want to speak with me about a clerical issue like not receiving a salary, call Ms Cynthia Axe who is looking to for 55 whiners this week to fire.

If you want to discuss sexual abuse, minority issues, our language regulations which forbid the use of all tribal dialects, please submit a formal request in English by registered mail to Ms Cynthia Axe. 
Ms Axe will call you for "a final, grisly, finite and decisive meeting" next week.

To discuss with me the phenomenal  value of HR Business Partnership, call me when I return and we can meet same day.

השימוש בעברית אסורה עפ"י חוק

Бунт в инженерной группы

Following the introduction of our "modified", wow and cost effective health plan, the compulsory use of the global language of English in our global dining hall, the IT-related delay of salary benefits to a "few" of our beloved employees, and the growing unpopularity of a certain Ms Axe (Cynthia), the Head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, civil discourse yesterday was mildly impacted.

8 pizzas were hurled in Ms Axe's direction; all emails were written in tribal dialects like Russian, Chinese and Hebrew; English language signs were torn down in R&D. Two gay couples then got married on our premises, a certain Mohammed took out a prayer mat and prayed in mid day, and the Engineering secretary answered the phone with "Praise the Lord-you have reached Gail from Engineering, how can I help you, God willing".

I have just exited Stan's room where we sat at his mahogany table: we being Stan, Wifey, Ms Axe and Winston Wu, whose grandfather was born in Shatin, Hong Kong, Kowloon side.

Here are the steps we are taking:

1) R&D will have a cooking class and outdoor training. These powerful tools solve 98.7% of all organizational issues without the need for OD.
2) Winston Wu will now report directly into Stan; salaries will be paid today. Mr Wu becomes my esteemed peer.
3) Gloria will "do a study" on health treatment alternatives.
4) Cynthia Axe will continue her grisly role, but she will  fire her useless Reputation Coach and hire a new one.
5) Dogs will now be allowed in R&D.
6) HR will assign a business partner with military axe-perience to our useless R&D manager.
7) HR will "monitor" the level of civil discourse in a timely fashion.
8) English language lessons will be axe-cellerated. Russian employees  will be "thinned out". The use of Hebrew  and Chinese will be banned because of their tribal nature. Our company will become more global in order in augment our sustainability. All this will be done in line with our core values.

It hits the fan

May you live in interesting times-a Chinese curse.

Following the introduction of our "modified", wow and cost effective health plan, the compulsory use of the global language of English in our global dining hall, the IT-related delay of salary benefits to a "few" of our beloved employees, and the growing unpopularity of a certain Ms Axe (Cynthia), the Head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, civil discourse yesterday was mildly impacted.

8 pizzas were hurled in Ms Axe's direction; Axe received violent emails written in tribal dialects like Russian, Chinese, Tamil and Hebrew; English language signs were torn down.

Two gay couples then got married on our premises, an employee took out a prayer mat and prayed in mid day, and the Big Data secretary answered the phone with "Praise the Lord-you have reached Big Gail from Big Data, how can I help you, God willing".

I have just left the "crisis management room" (with a mahogany table) where CEO Stan, Wifey, Ms Axe and Winston Wu (IT), whose grandfather was born in Sha Tin, Hong Kong, Kowloon side. I also attended.

We decided on these steps we are taking to return to civility.

1) R&D and Sales staff will have a cooking class and outdoor training. These powerful tools solve 98.7% of all organizational issues without the need for consultants.

2) HR will "do a study" on health treatment alternatives.

3) Cynthia Axe will continue her grisly role, but she will  fire her useless Reputation Coach and hire a new one.

4) Dogs will now be allowed on premise.

5) HR will "monitor" the level of civil discourse in a timely fashion.

6) English language lessons will be axe-cellerated. Russian employees  will be "thinned out". 

7) Three new blockchains will be deployed to augment trust. 

All this will be done in line with our core values of civility and serving the status quo.

A Major Reorganization of HR

This is a text message to "all" to update on a restructure of the HR Department, in alignment with our core values, Of course, we will align our new voice mail menu as well.

1) Ms Cyntha Axe will remain in charge of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, doubling as an anti-stress coach and filing clerk. 
Her Samsung Z phone will be replaced by an S10. 
Ms Axe will also liase with our "cooking course" vendor. Our cooking course solves all major organizational problems, relieving us of the need for OD.
Ms Axe will now be at level 2.52, which entitles her to use the executive elevator.

2) Winston Wu will continue to be IT lead, reporting into me. 
Wu is relieved of his role as HR's representative on the Diversity Team. Wu considers himself a Canadian, which is strange because his grandfather was born in Hong Kong, Shatin area.
Wu will report dotted line into our CEO Stan on Big Data, which is a disgrace, given how strategic HR is.
Wu's Galaxy will be replaced with a new Iphone, against my better judgement.
Cynthia Axe will examine "load control issues" in Wu's overstaffed, spoiled and corrupt IT shop.
Wu is now my grovelling clerk but also parallel to my rank and station on Big Data Issues, ie, Level 1-1
What the hell is Big Data anywat? A bunch of baloney, my father Pierre Eliiot Ramsbottom would say.

3) Procurement will now report into HR. Until now Procurement was a peer of mine.
Ms Sarah Barracuda, Head of Procurement, will be relieved of her old phone and get Wu's old Galaxy.
Ms Barracuda will be relieved of her spacious office and sit in open space. She can work from home, but won't get paid.
Ms Barracuda will ensure we remain OD-vendor free.
Ms Barracuda will be do an on line webinar on "pain relieving for vendors who don't get paid enough", in line with our core values.

OD is brain dead

Glo, Cynthia and Hugh White (too White to be seen)

drive vendor less OD

We ladies of HR are in a new age of liberation from OD oppression. OD is dead, Mai oui! And having worked with many OD consultants, from the best to the worst, I am titillated that OD is totally dead. Here is some data driven "proof of death".

1) My favourite HR site (which provides agile and sustainable thought leadership to all its stakeholders) sent me a great text message about the importance of formulating a weekly strategy. 

Within one week, all our company employees (supported by Cynthia Axe) had formulated a sustainable weekly strategy, without any OD consultant.

2) One year ago, this very same site that sent me a critical life-changing text which advised me to use the term "in a timely fashion" 5 times a week, and to be generous with the  use of the term "global and sustainable". Furthermore the site issued a text about the importance of the daily use of the term "in line with our core values. "  

All of the above was implemented without OD meddling, or coaching, or change management.

What has replaced OD?

1) Webinars

2) Agile, sustainable, evidence driven, professional HR business partnership.

3) Cooking courses

4) Outdoor axe-periences

5) Cost effective coaching done by plumbers and electricians, who rewire the brain and release "thought blockages".

Follow me @GRamsbottom 

 

Voice Menu for HR services revised

For Gloria, dial 4;for Cynthia dial 4

In line with our core value of greater axe-cessibility of HR services in a timely fashion, we have updated our HR voice menu in our call centre. Here it is:-

"Wow, you have reached HR, headed by EVP HR Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux, business partner and chartered coach."

1. For voluntary pay cuts, press 0.
2.  For a guide to enhancing work-work-work-work-work-life balance, press 1.
3. For your key objectives, press 2.
4.  To hear some of Stan's motivational speeches, please press 3
5. For a personal yet risky  one on one with a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of Early Bird Retirement, press 4. Please note that Ms Axe needs to trim 50 people this wow week.
6. To hear this global English menu in Chinese or Russian, press 4.
7. For aboriginal, women's and minority rights, please press 4.
8. For sexual harassment issues, please press 4.
9. For the blockchain repair shop, press 4 and then the hash key
10. To speak to Ms Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux, SVP HR and certified coach, please send her a brief and actionable text, then press the last 4 numbers of your credit card.
11. To hear about HR's business partnership with Stan, stay on the line and speak to an " attendant" in Turkmenistan, who is now acquiring some English skills.
12. For talent management, career path, knowledge management and others fads of the week, please hang up and we will return your call, upon the release of our next product. 
13. If you support replacing HR with a bot, please cut your wrists, then dial 8.

Dear Gloria Service: An HR Global Center of Excellence established

I am a thought leader in HR axe-cellence

HR managers from all over the globe have been texting me questions, ever since I was recognized as a center of excellence.  In the spirit of transparency and big data, I want to share my input to my confreres, which is a French word for colleagues. 

1) Sophia Josephina Fernández Martínez Sánchez from Madrid (which is in Spain) texts:

"Our CEO Stano thinks people are spare parts. What can do? I want to be his business partner yet I also want to maintain my credibilidad." SJFS

Dear Sophie,

1) Shorten your name, for heaven sake!

2) Organize some outdoor training and a cooking class, with a cost effective vendor.

3) Update your mission statement to "people is our middle name"......the problem with those long Spanish names is that we do not know where the middle is. Gloria

2) Rivka Shadmi from Tel Aviv (Israel) texts:

US based HQ is asking us to be more inclusive and diverse. The problem is we are too diverse and fragmented to  begin with, and in the dining room, people speak Russian, Hebrew, Arabic and French, and produce products with no documentation.

What can I do? We have an audit next week when the Yanks arrive!

Dear Rivka,

1) I would fire you immediately.  English Only police-y is a cornerstone of global HR and you are negligent for letting things slip.

2) Now to be practical:  Institute an "English Only" police-y starting today and when the audit arrives, loosen up and let people speak tribal languages at lunch.

BTW, CEO Stan's chef, K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein has an uncle living in Netanya.

Gloria

3) Jacqueline Dikledi de Villiers from Johannesburg texts

How can I leverage knowledge management to reduce our headcount?

Dear Jacky,

I sent Ms Cynthia Axe for a 2 day course on knowledge management and beheading. The course is axe pensive but very global, and sustainable. Do you have a visa to Eye-Raq? 

Is there anyone in your organization who is old enough to remember necklacing? You could train them in that knowledge management" piece".

Gloria

4) Svetlana Stachanovith Ivanovitch Rabinovitz from Russia texts: 

Our CEO from the UK is visiting next week and no one speaks English. We all speak Russian.

Dear Irina,

How did you all get hired? NO ONE speaks Russian except Russians. NO ONE USES RUSSIAN for business, except the Israeli Foreign Ministry.

Gloria

3 new webinars for our almost global Uzbeckistan vendor

As we transition to vendor-free OD and in order to rid ourselves of OD rabble rousers who promote pain , here are a list 3 new wow wow wow wow wow  (5 wows) webinars, which we have purchased (by barter) from a cost effective vendor in Uzbekistan. 

Our vendor is now acquiring English language skills, and until that happens, we have a Bangladesh based dubber.

1) Reinventing Yourself in Early Retirement within 30 seconds!  
In this webinar, Cynthia is seen swinging her axe; based on a real story from Pyongyang.

2) The Value of HR as a Canada born Business Partner 
The webinar explains the principles of hero worship and business partnership. Session is 45 minutes; this fascinating webinar includes an interview w Gloria Ramsbottom, and her low level clerk, Ms Cynthia Axe. (Gloria is also seen enjoying her Blackberry Priv)

3) Leadership: Stan, Kim John Un, Putin, Netanyahu and Jose Eduardo dos Santos
On the almost magical parallel between the world's great leaders and our CEO Stan. 
Session is  one hour and 45 minutes; this fascinating webinar includes an interview with Stan, Wifey and moi. which is French. In the film I explain than the un in Kim's name is not French.

My staff from Paris seeks advice- a letter from Jean Marie de la Montagne

My Dad spoke to me in French, until my brothers were born.

Gloria,
Thank you for oportunite to ask for  your a(d)vises.
Stan le gros chef attended un concall and le call went after 1600 (4pm). He asked us to invest a majeur effort the next two weeks.
As you know I am certain, we all go home at 1600! 
And for the next two weeks, vacances for all. And this does not mean "vacancies".
Please clarify to Stan za French labor law;  otherwise there will be big manifestation.
Merci.
Jean Marie

Dear Jean Marie

Stan thinks that Marie is a female name.

Stan even said to me, "Is this global? Is this sustainable? This is like you calling yourself Gloria-William?

Our chef is not Stan; we have no chef. Only Stan does. His name is K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein; he has mixed heritage.

As far as the sentence starting with "Please" and ending with "manifestion", please note that English is our global language.
French may have been global, but was not sustainable.

What a pity. Quelle domage-which does NOT mean, quell all the damage!

Gloria Lemieux.

Contingency Workforce

Mais oui!

On my way to the airport on my way  to see 'someone" in France, I got a text from Wifey about a gr8 article she had just read (in the online version of Scotland's Daily Record)  about  "Building a Contingency Workforce".

Wifey is our CEO's beloved wife, avid reader, and sister of my arch enemy, Sybil Civil, whose career ended in Mount Nebo, when she tried to undermined me, and failed.

Wifey called me to say "Glo, let's surprise our dear Stanley with a ready made plan on Continency Workforce Planning when he gets back from Japan".

I forwarded this task by text (backed up by whatsapp) to a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan. 
Ms Axe asked  me if she could consult a certain Winston Wu, IT lead. I told Axe that if she even came within ten feet of that cunning Winston Wu, she herself would become contingent.

With ten minutes, I received the 4 point "transition plan" to Contingency Labour Force Management from Axe:

1-The Early Bird Retirement Program would be re-branded as "Contingency Work Force Outplacement Plan".The Program would be led by a certain Cynthia Axe.
2-Our Engineering Department will get paid, contingent on our new product actually working. 
3-Text messages would constantly update all our salaried workforce of jobs outside the company. The text messages will be in English.
4-All IT will be outsourced immediately and the useless and costly IT department disbanded. Winston Wu will got an old 4th hand Nokia and his role will consist of looking for ways to sharpen Cynthia's axe.
4-Cynthia Axe will get a new Blackberry Q 10.

I texted Axe: "Gr8 work Axe-but no BB  Q10." 

Then, I got a shocking text from Stan, "Why have Cynthia Axe and Winston Wu asked for a concall with me, alone?"

This blog will not be issued in Russian;Забудьте о русском языке; только на английском языке!

Despite the number of viewers that this blog has in Russia, there are NO plans to issue this blog in Russian.

There are 3 compelling and global reasons for this:

• No one outside Russia speaks Russian, and a few people in our Engineering Dept.
• Russian and Chinese are like French;  NOT global languages.
• All the books that you CAN read in Russian are far too long, and most people die in the end.

Nyet

Looking for Japan Expert

I am a pleasure to work with

CEO Stan is off to Japan on a business trip.His mission (Stan loves that word which I planted in his vocabulary) is to convince a Japanese trading company to sell our "emerging" technology.

Stan believes that based on our axe-perience in Cuba, Bolivia, Chad, Pago-Pago and Indonesia, there is huge growth potential in Japan.

Stan called in a Japan business consultant who told Stan things he did not want to hear:

1-The utmost importance of quality

2-The use of a reputable reference point

3-Focus on building credibility, reliability and hard work, not bragging about a future technological capability.

Stan fired the consultant, using the services of an ultra cruel Ms Cynthia Axe, who chased the consultant out of our offices, whilst throwing rotten eggs in his direction.

I am now looking for a cost effective consultant who "mission" is "to convince the Japanese trading company to listen closely to Stan and take more risks." 

We pay by barter, within 120 days.

Updating our values-service pack needed

"At the senior management team table" (made of mahogany) CEO Stan updated us all on our revised revenue targets following the wow wow new non-project in Damascus and the upcoming deployment of 0.00 in Zimbabwe, which is "en Afrique". That's French.

Based on these revenue targets, we need to re-size and re-align our company; Miss Axe will both create compelling reasons to retire early and or relocate to Bay Ruth, from where our Syrian account will be managed, the moment the UN intervenes. The UN is a global organization, like the World Bank and the English Language.

I will "forge" a realignment plan via a new value "pack."
This value pack (coupled with visionary goals) will drive on our new direction, ie the emerging and declining world.

I need 3.5 to 6.78  values which will inspire, motivate and help internalize organizational messages of  1) globalism, 2)  the death of the Russian language outside of Russia, 3)  the uselessness of trying to learn Chinese because it takes 59 years + and 4) the thrill of the drive from Bay Ruth to Damascus.

The values should not be sexist as there is a heightened fear of sexism in this blog, because the author of this satiric blog is a male, disguised (omg) as a female. 

WE ALL know that there are VERY few female HR managers and most CEOs are women.

A quality audit for HR

The QA manager (Irene Papadopolis-McGraw)  demanded  an HR quality audit , upon instigation by a certain Winston Wu, my IT direct report and former peer. Wu is my delegate on the diversity team; he was born in Toronto, as was his father. His grandfather may have been born in Hong Kong-Kowloon side.

Stan the spineless coward capitulated and sent off an sms/text both to me and Irene: "Irene: audit Glo's organization within 2 days, Stan"

I convened a meeting-by-text, supported by whatsup, and we agreed on the following parameters:

1) Online and dynamic alignment of number of heads/expected revenue: owned by Cynthia Axe
2) No Russian or Chinese spoken in the dining room: owned by Cynthia Axe and Stephanie her temporary "attendant"
3) HR seen as business partner: owned by Stan
4) Cynthia's Axe voted most valued employee: owned by Cynthia Axe
5) Big Data availability : owned by Winston Wu

I am heading for Poland

Stan texted me urgently: "Go to Poland and open a call center; now-Stan."
This is not the first time a certain Stan has ruined my love life, as I was heading off to  Aix to meet a new beau, which is a French word.

Poland is no where near France.

I texted some friends and googled some travel critical tips to Poland which I will share with you all, based on the principle of outreach and transparency, which are words ass-sociated with values. HR deals in values.

Here are 5 top tips:

1) Poland is in Europe.
2) Poland used to be "communistic."Now it is not, but not everyone likes the free, global, sustainable and high powered free market, where individualism florishes, thank Heaven.
3) Many Poles do not like the Russian language. (BTW, No one speaks Russian except a few Russians)
4) The Poles better learn that I am NOT going to recruit anyone whose family name has more than 5 letters.
5) People in Poland have an accent and this is not an issue in our call center, because our product does not yet exist, although it must be serviced. This is in line with our global values of transparency.

Reaching Out to Gloria

The wow wow wow wow (4 wows)  reaching out campaign continues into its second week.

Here is a sustainable and value-added text I received this morning from someone who reached out to me, and my answer, when I reached out in return, by text, in a timely fashion. All this was done is in line with our core values whatever all that means, for heaven sake.

Dear Gloria,
You are a stellar ax-ample of professional ax-cellence:

1. While others think, you do.  
2. While others dither, you plough forward.
3. While others vascillate, you move quickly and nimbly.
4. When I feel the rope around my White neck, you get me off the hook, via our Early Bird Retirement Plan, aligning our headcount to axe-pected non revenue.
5. When "someone" reads articles, you implement.

You are the ultimate business partner.

Stan


Cher Stan,

Merci. (That's French!)
I will drop by this afternoon to discuss a demotion for an underperforming  and devious Winston Wu. 
I also plan to rename our Dining Room "Chez-Stan: Speak English Only Food Court" and need your approval to ensure this is aligned with our global globalism program.

Gloria Lemieux
Ps. Chez is French. 

Reaching out to the non American nerd

Our CEO Stan's wife, aka, Wifey, read an article on the importance of reaching out to employees.

I received a text Friday night from Stan: "Glo, reach out to employees asap-Stan".

I googled the term and I immediately launched a "Dear Gloria" service.  Employees can now text me their concerns, and I text back an answer, in English, within 24 hours. Each week, I will publish a few of my answers so other HR managers can benchmark my wisdom.

Dear Gloria,

We are 3 Russian engineers in the algorithm team. Our names are Alexei, Svetlana and Vlad. Our boss calls all of us Igor, and sometimes he calls Svetlana by the name Galina.

Our boss Paul comes from Glasgow and it is hard to understand his English.

Please advise.

Alexei

My answer:

Dear Igor,

Thank you for your text. I appreciate your question and I value your reaching out to me. I also want to reach out to you.

As you know, English is the ONLY language of business in the world, and in our firm. NO ONE speaks Russian except a few Russians.

I will ask Paul to work on his accent in a timely fashion by putting him on korrective axe-tion for ``having a linguisti'k' disability. ``

As far as names are concerned, is there really such a big difference between Galina and Svetlana? For heaven sake!

Gloria

One of our new employees has only one name

Having one name "makes no sense".

Our big data department has just hired an engineer from  Naypyidaw who has only one name name,  Thiri. She is female, yet neither I nor Ms Axe knew her gender "a priori" when she signed up. A priori a Roman word.

Axe (Cynthia) did not want me to sign off on her job offer until she created a family name, "like all of us", as per Ms Axe, always the academic. (I pointed out to Ms Axe that many Spaniards have up to 39 family names.)

I consulted Winston Wu, my IT lead and my direct subordinate, who decided that "Thiri" will be entered in both fields (family and surname) as Thiri, which does not contribute to our Bigdata base, quite the opposite.

The Engineering Department also employs a Thai whose last name Supitayaporn. Our team in Ottawa calls him "Porn". I also have a member of my team whose last name is Axe. She is the Head of Early Bird Retirement. I CANT repeat what people call her. Tak.

In the accounting department, there is an employee called Guillaume; I call him Billy-boy. in line with my core value of feigned familiarity.