More than 3 corporate values cause confusion and lack of focus.

                             

Three is better than five. Trois. Mais oui

                           

As we end the first quarter, it is clear that we need to consolidate floor space, costs and head count. This wow wow consolidation will enable growth in 2021. The only thing we will not consolidate is the amount big data and sloganeering about Internet of Things.

HR has many wow tools to consolidate, two of which are Ms Axe's Early Bird Retirement Plan and our core values. This post is about values in service of consolidation.

Values (holy and sacred) are one of the key strategic tools of HR. 

We have all of our 5 key values plastered all over elevators, in English and other tribal languages. We even have one poster in Russian and French, neither of which are the languages of global business.

In order to lead consolidation by example, HR will trim the number of values from five to three. 

Three values appear more eloquent, more resilient and more sustainable than five.

"People company" will be included as a one of the three values  but will be renamed as "engagement driven people company".

Our other 2 values are

• Functional transparency
• Flexible ethics

My CEO claims, "I may not need HR"

Stan wants us all to be nice

CEO Stan sent a text to Hugh White (the heterosexual White Boy who runs Diversity), a certain Ms Cynthia Axe who heads "People Shredding/Downsizing Department" and to me: "be in my office at 800 am, and don't dare to be late".

My dad, the late Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me that when you are well paid, you need to put up with "a lot of shit". I am well paid.

The meeting began on time yet Stan continuously gawked at Ms Axe, of whom he keeps abreast.

Stan showed 5 slides in a ppt called, "Why I may not need an HR Dept".

Slide One: People here are not fucking civil or nice to one another.

Slide Two: Emerging-technologies and Sales have fist fights.

Slide Three: When I took a leak yesterday, I heard people gossiping that leadership here sucks. They were referring to me!

Slide Four: Either HR is worth our investment, or all 3 of you are out on your fucking asses.

Slide Five: I want a civil and "nice" environment within a week. Now get your HR business-partnership butts out of here and shake a leg.

I would define the meeting with Stan as challenging or non wow. So I need a consultant.

As readers of this blog know,  I think coaching/consulting is dead. However, if there is one thing I can tell you about these  snake oil consultants is that they are nice. 

My dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me that I should always be careful of people who are "too nice".

I picked up my phone and called 3 OD consultants. They were all asked to prepare a "Be Civil and Nice" campaign. I told them that the work is pro bono, and each agreed as long as I signed my autograph on their business card.

I told each OD consultant that they would also be charged $500 for my management time, and all agreed.

At the end of the day, I chose an English-speaking, smooth, impressive, tall, single and charming  consultant, who also is an blockchain expert, who agree to tutor me in with tips and OD techniques.

When the blockchain geeks take over

#2

I heard lots of noise from the R&D conference room. The noise consisted of nerds speaking in foreign tongues, loud Hindi, Russian, Hebrew, Ukrainian and Cantonese music blazing from mobile phones, and Comrade Carl Marks holding a megaphone, addressing his motley group of blockchain engineers.

Comrade Carl bellowed: "Without your support, I would never have been appointed as second in command. Kibinimat, I am going to change things. We will not waste our time on quality. We will bury tactical bugs in the internet of things. I will set up a union and liberate all of us from the ladies of HR's tyranny". 

Even by Carl's standards, I was shocked by his hallucinations.

Suddenly, I got a text from Cynthia Axe the head of "Load-shedding" and Early Bird Retirement. "Have you heard about Carl's promotion to be number 2"?

When Axe wrote "have you heard", I knew she smelt blood. No one is as bloodthirsty as a junior HR employee.

I walked at a quick clip into CEO Stan's room. I did not even knock at the door, although I am posh. Stan was standing at the door as I came in and he said:

 "Gloria, you are the first lady of HR-so I am giving you a new Toyota Prius. Here are the key's! Let's go to the parking lot!"

I want to reaffirm that a key component of the success of a senior HR manager is business partnership with the boss.

My new Prius says it all- I am an agile, highly valued and well paid HR business partner.

Comrade Carl and I will iron out our many differences.

Business partner

What I have learnt about blockchain

On Tuesdays, people is my middle name

The only English speaking employee in R&D Engineering (besides Comrade Carl Marks) is old de Villiers who sleeps during round tables and long presentations.

De Villers is a soft spoken and comes from Africa, but not in that order. Our CEO Stan once asked me "How come de Villiers is as white as a lily?"  I referred him to Hugh White, from Diversity, who gave Stan a detailed answer. 

After Hugh's explanation, Stan texted me: "don't ever allow Hugh White to waste my time again, Gloria, or I'll fire your ass back to Canada."

It appears that Hugh did not make a good impression on Stan.

Anyway on Friday, the aforementioned Hugh White came into my office today, accompanied by old de Villiers. "Gloria I would ask that you listen to old de Villers", blurted Hugh.

As HR manager, I listen to people on Tuesdays, but de Villiers is a key contributor on matters relating to blockchain. So I stopped texting my sister and asked all to sit down.

De Villiers told me that "back where I was born, in South Africa, there is a crisis we can all learn from. (De Villers pronounced crisis as "cry-sis".) The electric company, which is run even worse that our company, started rationing power due to third world management techniques. Instead of replacing management and demanding accountability, they started a program call load-shedding, teaching people how to use less electricity."  (De Villiers pronounces less as "lis".)

Then de Villiers looked at me with parental tenderness and said, "Gloria, I have always been very fond of you. No one here likes HR very much. So I have a process improvement to suggest.  After all, I am an engineer. Why don't you rename HR as "Load-Shedding and Talent Management?"

This is one of the first times that an employee has approached me directly, although people is my middle name. I felt mild aggravation that my time was being wasted, as text messages began to accumulate.

However, I do have manners. So I asked de Villiers for his mobile number and BBM pin number, and promised to "revert" to him with an answer to his proposal.

Then I asked de Villiers for a tutorial on blockchain. De Villers agreed and Hugh White was allowed to go home early and attend to his wife, the very demanding Comrade Ludmilla White, nee Khrushchev.

Hugh White

Comrade Carl Marks digs a clandestine tunnel into CEO's office

Comrade Carl Marks digs tunnel to access CEO Stan's office

Our newest product is named Carla 3.0. "Carla" is not selling well, and 40% of our install base wants to "uninstall". If this were to happen, the Board would fire CEO Stan via a well guided missile. 

Carla also happens to be the name of CEO Stan's daughter, who cohabits with R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks. (My Dad, Pierre Elliot, used to say "shacks up with" instead of cohabits).

CEO Stan, ever the strategist, has taken "preemptive" action and promised our clients that a better version named "Carla 3.2" will be released on October 1st, 2014.

Not only did CEO Stan not consult with R&D Chief Carl Marks on this aggressive commitment, Stan issued the product commitment email in Carl's name, signed in English and Russian. (Stan used Google Translate to sign in Russian).

In even further escalation, Stan banned Comrade Carl from any engagement/dialogue, " I cut Comrade Carl out of the communication loop, until he straightens himself up", said Stan.

Brewing with anger, Comrade Carl made a dysfunctional choice. Instead of working on the new  product release ("yes we can")  with his multi-lingual yet non English speaking staff, Comrade Carl started to dig a terrorist tunnel from his office to CEO Stan's office, in order to "engage" with Stan, as it were. 

This is where I come in. Naturally, as HR business partner, I sit right next to Stan. And to get to his office, Carl's tunnel passed under my room.

At 10 pm  last night, I was having a group one on one with Hugh White (Diversity) and Cynthia Axe on a new mission statement for HR to promote engagement, and heterosexual Hugh (who is always very alert) heard some noise and commented as such. 

Suddenly, the head of Comrade Carl Marks popped up in my room under Cynthia Axes' rear end.  Cynthia Axe screamed.

Comrade Carl emerged, covered in dirt with two hand grenades in his hand;  Carl yelled out, "Sorry SOO-kah, wrong room. Pizdyets!"

What does SOO kah mean? Really? Bitch?

Compensation of HR professionals

Dad was SO right!

My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me, "Gloria if your job entails kissing your boss's arse, you'd better get well paid".

Lucky me! Due to my HR business partnership, I never need to kiss CEO Stan's butt. 

I do work hard on"People Day", which is every 2nd Thursday -that is when I solve people problems.

However, I am very well paid, netting about $150,000 a year. I earn every penny. As EVP HR, I work very hard:

1. I text 18 hours a day, on 3 phones, blindfolded.
2. Even when I fly (business class), I do email, even in my sleep.
3. I get calls at all hours of the day from Wifey, CEO Stan's better half, who reads too many management articles.
4. I manage the collateral damage that Cynthia Axe causes by "dint" of her role as downsizing czar. Czar is not a French word. I learnt the word "dint" in a spelling "bea".
5. I listen to the asinine whining of Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs Diversity.

Clearly, the fact that I speak French adds to my market value, although French is a dying business language, almost like Russian.

Hugh White and Cynthia Axe earn $40,000 a year. Over the next two decades, in alignment with my core value of self preservation, they will given a raise.

The salary I get does not buy my loyalty. Hardly at all. I can only remember 233 cases when I acted against `my better judgement``. I remember only 7 or 8 cases when I fired people who were setting up a union.

Dad used to tell me `you are worse that Fibber McGee, Gloria``.

Skills gaps in HR

La  pénurie de compétences-that's French

Dear readers, who re-tweet me and who don't!

My dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, constantly told me to be prepared: "you don't want to be caught with you pants down, do you Gloria". 

Dad was referring to a spelling exam in French which I failed because I had planned to cram and the exam was administered a day early. (I speak French very well but most French words are hard to spell, because the French throw in a lot of useless letters which are not pronounced).

Last week, I was visiting one of our remote offices, and happened to be located in a bomb shelter, where people have do not time to hate HR. Despite my being deep underground, I took part in a management conference call, during which I was asked about the "skill gap" in HR. Surprisingly, it was the Chairman of the Board who put me on the spot, as it were, with this prying and semi wow question.

In line with my core value of self preservation and pragmatic honesty, there are indeed skill gaps in my team that I need to address.

Hugh White, the white heterosexual boy who runs Diversity, does not appear to have a full deck of cards between his white ears. Besides his shameful skin colour, he also provides far too much irrelevant data about sexual preference and the value of "other" disabilities. Hugh provides lots of data, but none of it is big.

Cynthia Axe, my downsizing diva, has severe drawbacks. She speaks English only, whilst the nerds that she fires speak a myriad (not a French word) of languages. Axe lack a humane approach to her profession. When I asked her if she cannot be a bit nicer to people, Cynthia Axe said to me: "decide what the fuck you want from me, Gloria". Then she went home for a week, leaving me to do her grisly job.

I have no lack of skills that I can think of. I text quickly, I turn around a problem on a dime, I speak French and I am a thought leader. (I also dress impeccably).

Perhaps were I have more technical skills, I could manage R&D.

No salary increases does not lead to low morale! Mais non!

Salaries and engagement  have nothing in common-mais non!

Dear Readers,

First of all, a special thank you to the many people whose native language is not English who manage to read my blog, despite my sophisticated use of the English language.

Did I tell you that I sell university accreditation for English language courses; for each blog of mine that you read, you gets 3 points at most diploma mills where my "Basic HR" class is taught. Email me for more details.

Each year in September, we  have salary reviews and increases; for the last 6 years, however, this has not been "fully routinized" and in some cases, people may have been downsized and rehired at a lower salary due to administrative misunderstandings*. 

CEO Stan has asked me to prepare a "supporting strategy" following the decision to leave salaries at their present rate this year. In line with my core value of obedience, I DO have a plan which I have prepared, and I will present it providing that CEO Stan gives me a discrete spot bonus.

On the same day when we announce our plan to maintain salaries at the present competitive rate, all employees will attend a picnic on our company lawn, coupled with a working lunch devoted to career planning. 

Mr Cynthia Axe will attend the picnic. Whilst wearing shorts and other appropriate attire, she will nonetheless open a recruitment fair for her Early Bird Retirement Plan for any employee who wants to "share" his or her thoughts on our "no increases for the company's good" policy.

FYI-Employees will bring their own lunch to this picnic. Diversity Chief Huge White will also give a lecture on Stress, Work-Life Balance and Sex Drive.

For those high performing employees who demand more money and threaten to quit, I will "cool the mark" .

How's that for a strategy! Mais oui.

Gloria

*דובר צה"ל בודק את האירוע

Decimating (and developing) Middle Management in one blow

We have an axe-tra layer of Management

As a senior HR thought leader, coach, master-texter and business partner steeped in big data and gossip, I have always favoured decimating middle management in one "fell swoop", especially when my boss Stan's wife (Wifey) suggests that is what we need to do.

In R&D, deposing of middle management may be a challenge. The role of R&D middle management is linguistic, since only 5% of our technical staff speak English. Comrade Carl Marks gives misguided directions in Russian-accented English or Russian, and his middle management translates these directions into one of the tribal dialects, like Chinese, Ukrainian, Cantonese, Tamil or Jewish.

It must be noted that our engineers are linguistically divided into what one of our South African employees (old de Villiers) calls "language bantustans".  

In HR there is no middle management to eliminate. I am the only one with brains, so I have yet to develop a management pipe line. 

Who could I appoint at this stage to HR middle management-that irrelevant heterosexual white boy from Diversity, Hugh White? Mais non.  Or perhaps a certain Cynthia Axe, the axe bearer who ruins our morale and gets me bad press coverage? No way. 

Perhaps in twenty years I will have a management pipeline in HR. Then, I will decimate the pipeline as ordered.

Hugh White-Mais non!

I would rather have constipation for a week than hire a consultant or a coach.

Consultants? Mais non!

Consultants and coaches undermine HR's power and authority. If you ask me, I would rather have constipation for a week than hire a consultant or a coach. Believe me.

Here's why:

1.    HR's role as business partner basically negates (nice word) the need for any external assistance, because HR leverages AI.
2.    I always claim that our recruiting is flawless; if we hired a coach, what would that mean?
3.    Sometimes, consultants and coaches purvey non wow messages.  This is not in line with our core values of purveying good news.
4.  Non facilitated outdoor activities solve 95% of organizational problems. The other 5% can be solved by horseback riding. (I plan to open a training stable soon with my horse, Jean-Marie)
5.   When everything  fails, all you need to do is buy a German or Swiss blockchain.

On one hand-will Blockchain Andy solve this one for me?

I need to think-and it is painful.

Executive Vice President of R&D Comrade Carl Marks' personality started to disintegrate after the release of our newest product which has 55,988 revenue impacting bugs.
Comrade Carl said that our "product is a pearl :  unsophisticated clients can go fuck themselves". Then he decided to take two weeks off "to do some banking in the Caribbean. 

Our CEO Stan hopes that I can help "re-integrate" the Comrade back to reality, in line with my core values of realignment.  

In a rare moment of transparency, our CEO Stan sent me a text acknowledging a wellbeing issue: "what can be done with Comrade Carl-he made need help, such as cost-effective coaching!"

A word about Comrade Carl-Carl's R&D team consists of Indians, Thais, Israelis,  Russians, Ukrainians and one old South African comrade named de Villiers.  Only 74% of the team understand him sometimes. Why? Well, Comrade Carl is a weirdo! American born and bred Marks not only speaks Russian most of the time with his team, but even when he speaks English, he has adopted a thick Russian accent. (for example, he mispronounces big data as "pik dayta").  

I could go on and on, but I won't in line with my core values of not going on and on. Carl does indeed need help of the HR ilk. I have several options:

On one hand, I could help Comrade Carl by providing him with coaching with my bare hands. I am a seasoned HR business partner, and coaching could have been my middle name.

On the other hand, I could hire a cost-effective coach, who may prove to be disloyal and undermine HR's professional authority.

On the third hand, I could dither and  enable Comrade Carl to fail, in line with my core value of self preservation.

My Dad, Pierre Elliot, used to say, "Gloria, mon chou, people do not have three hands".

I will sleep on this for a while and consult my blockchain named Andy. 

My tendency is to let nature take its course, given Comrade Carl's non wow attitude to HR.

From a hostile to a civil working environment- in three short steps

Ms Axe has this sign on her desk

The results of the second quarter indicate that whilst out new product has been released, the number of purchase orders we have received is "semi-sustainable". 

To make matters even less wow, the number of bugs that engineering is dealing with is overwhelming. Some would call our situation "big data"-driven.

Instead of dealing this non now situation, Comrade Carl Marks, SVP Engineering, is said to be in Kiev learning Ukrainian. His personality appears to be disintegrating.

From an HR perspective, I must "adjust costs to reality" , as CEO Stan so aptly puts in. This is where having an HR business partner comes in handy!

My Cynthia Axe, who heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan, has thus received new quotas; she needs to fire 300 staff by the end of this week.  

I am not pleased by Ms Axe`s style as of late. One would think Ms Cynthia Axe is French, since she is threatening to ``strike``, not in the usual sense of the term.

Cynthia`s role has caused a "hostile working environment", claims a lawyer who has nothing better to do than sue us. I need to be in court on Thursday!

In order to promote a wow environment before I appear in court, I have introduced some process changes to ensure that our environment is civil.

1) Ms Axe will be holding her ax when each employee enters her room, so there is no undue anxiety due to dilly dallying.

2) A voice enabled Danish HR robot will have a `severance` discussion with each  employee to lessen anxiety.

3) In order to ensure Ms Axe works and does not send text messages, a new sign has been posted opposite her desk.

Causing a hostile environment

Who does an HR manager/ thought leader want to date?

Je cherche un copain

When exasperated by my "untamed and unfocused" ambition as well as my shrill, demanding voice, Dad (Pierre Elliot) would tell me "We all know that you are not "easy", Gloria".

Dad warned me that finding a man will be challenging. "Men want peace and quiet. You are not there yet, mon chou".

Well I am 32 years old and I have become a thought leader as well as dignified, senior vice president of HR with a Blackberry Classic. And yes, I may be looking for a boyfriend, or, un copain.

I discussed this desire of mine with my coach, who also flips burgers, works in talent management and is studying Kaballah (not a French word)  although he is Presbyterian. He suggested that I tell all my admirers what I am looking for here on my blog .

My requirements are pretty simple; after all I am from a small town in Saskatchewan called Moose Jaw. I am looking for a lad with a lot of patience, very, very (2 verys) ambitious and over 6 feet tall. 

The only "non negotiable requirement" is that he must be a leading figure in big data. He must be able to translate big data data into a concrete work plan both for me, my subordinates (Axe and White), and provide me with a competitive and sustainable advantage in HR for a period of twenty years, when someone may replace me.

Residency in France helpful (I fly first class, svp).

Contingency Plans are more important than big data

Inspiring names

Wifey, the wife of our CEO Stan, sent me a text: 

"Gloria, Stan and I agreed that the names of the conference rooms need to be more inspiring-text me some suggestions; Stan wants this to be done on Monday morning, so put this on priority; WE are waiting for your suggestions. Wifey."

Wifey must know that I have no priority list. I am in HR, and handle texts all at once and one by one, in line with my core values of responsiveness and HR business partnership.

I had already prepared a contingency plan for changes like this, which I sent to Wifey, in a timely fashion.

  Stan's Conference Room: The Worldly American

  HR Conference Room:     The Vatican

  Sales Conference Room:  Ground Zero  

  R&D Conference Room:    English Only SVP

  Accounts Payable Room:   Greek Treasury 

  Ms Cynthia Axe's Room:    Chambre Defarge Room

Hugh White from Diversity registered his objections to the name of HR conference room.

Cynthia Axe named Big Data Baby

Getting Axe to put skin into the game as Big Data Baby

To: Cynthia Axe, HR Early Bird Retirement

From: CEO Stan

CC: Gloria Ramsbottom, EVP HR

CC: Comrade Carl Marks, SVP, R&D

Cynthia,

I told Comrade Carl Marks that I wish we had as much big data as we have software bugs.

But alas, we have 30,007 software bugs and a chronic lag of big data, especially in HR, Finance/Revenue Forecasting.

Let's move on this; I need you to put more skin in the game to bridge the gap.

As of today, you, my dear, are HR focal point for Big Data. Please leave the medium size data and small data to your boss, Ms Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux.

I do hope that Gloria will focus her skills on convincing Comrade Carl Marks to stop learning Ukrainian, start fixing product bugs, and stop hallucinating that he is Russian.

Stan

Big Data Baby