Guide to Working on site in Capsules to avoid spread of Corona Virus using brilliant Israeli artificial intelligence and common sense

 

 

No more teletrabajo. Tak

Comrade Carl Marks, our chef nerd, Head of Product Development and Head of User Experience, went directly to our CEO Stan to demand that we all return to work on site.  The comrade claimed that “with the new Russian vaccine having been administered, our nerds are as safe as a Russian spy in a safe house in London during the days of Kim Philby”. Stan noted that Comrade Carl uses strange metaphors when his meds are not balanced.

Comrade Carl suggested that “Gloria use an Israeli consulting service to plan the work capsules, because the Israelis have created a model that enables sheep to live in peace along with hungry wolves in the very same field”. CEO Stan had just read the morning news, said to the Comrade, “Carl do your own fucking job, not other peoples’ job. The Israelis handle corona like Zimbabwe manages their economy.”

Stan texted me (using WhatsApp) and told me that “your job is to get everyone back on site, in safe work capsules, by Monday morning. For a lady of your cunning, this should be no problem at all. After all, you wrap everything up in mumbo-jumbo like a modern day Houdini, who was a magician. By the way, I agree with Comrade Carl about his request to work on site. Just because of few Spanish academics push this teletrabajo fashion trend, we don’t behave like the Spaniards, for Christ sake. Since when have Americans imitated the Spanish? They eat supper at midnight!”

To be honest, there are very few problems that I cannot answer when I put on my thinking cap. You don’t need to speak fluent Greek in order to be creative. Or perfect German. English and French are Latin are good enough. 

Here are the outlines of our Work Capsule Program-

Workers whose family names start with any letter from A to P will work at the office on Sundays and Thursdays. Family names starting with Q to Z except for R will work on site on Tuesday and Fridays. The red bus line will be used by people whose first name starts with C D E F G H I or J.  The red shuttle line operates on Mondays. People from minority groups (Blacks, Asian, Jews, worldly Americans and White English-speaking engineers), will work on Wednesday and use the blue line, which has yet to be commissioned. Exception management will be handled by a hot line and eventually by a Swiss blockchain. You will get a phone code within a month. Anyone can pray in large groups within and between capsules even if they are coughing blood and pus.

I texted this policy to CEO Stan, mentioning by the by that I had consulted an Israeli expert with vast experience in solving complex problems. I did so in order to gain face validity, because Stan says that the Israelis are good at fighting wars. Stan answered me with a text quoting a Swiss philosopher, “this is not a war, for shit’s sake; it’s a virus. I am cancelling your valet parking”.

No more valet parking

Acquiring the top 5 cross cultural skills in 3 hours

Five skills in one morning

What a non-resilient way to start the day.  

When I opened my Blackberry, the first thing that I noticed was that Emerging Technology VP Comrade Carl Marks had sent a scathing email to our CEO Stan, and put me on CC.

To: Stan, CEO

CC: Gloria, HR

Subject: Lack of cultural skills in HR

Stan,

The HR department reminds me on an ice cream parlour that serves only vanilla ice cream. 

Our Internet of Things Department is a diverse and multi-cultural environment. We need support, not a vanilla ice cream cone, kibinimat.

I love Gloria; she is becoming nerdish and she has lovely legs but that's not enough. We need an HR department with cross cultural skills.

Comrade Carl 

Stan told me that I have three months to transition HR to multiculturalism; after three hours, I updated Stan that the job was done.

To: Stan, CEO

CC: Comrade Carl Marks, Emerging Technology

BCC: Cynthia Axe, Hugh White, HR

Stan,

I identified the top 5 cross cultural skills, commissioned 5 webinars and "administered them" this morning.  HR is now officially cross culturally competent. 

FYI, each webinar provides certification, with a lovely mahogany frame.

The areas in which we provided certification are

1. Understanding broken English and enjoying tribal food
2. Driving in Mumbai
3. Talking all at once and not following process.
4. Russian swear words
5. Arguing with Israeli engineers

With resilience,

Gloria

Flexible business ethics enable sales, corruption and compliance

Comrade Carl called me "First Lady of HR"

Comrade Carl Marks (R&D chief) addressed the leadership team today about “what needs to be done to flood the market with our technology”.

I could have sworn that I saw Comrade Carl smoking a joint in the parking lot before the leadership meeting started, but the moment that I took out my state of the art mobile phone, Samsung 98-T-Extra Large and tried to take a photo, I received a text that distracted me.

Comrade Carl said that “ethics and compliance are two-faced concepts of the rich aristocracy and the western world ruling elite. Kibinimat, our product is a pearl! All you need is to give each salesman few envelopes each with a thousand dollars (he said rubles) and you can get deals in Indonesia, China, Mother Russia, Mexico, Israel, Sri Lanka, Taiwan, Qatar and many another banana republics and remote Pacific islands, where the value of our technology is appreciated. All we need to do is find the slimy agents and corrupt government officials."

Then Comrade Carl continued, “all we need to do is two things: appoint me as Head of Sales and ask the ladies of HR to rewrite our business code of ethics to be more flexible.”

CEO Stan asked Comrade Carl to stop using the word kibinimat all the time. 
Herr Krebbs was quiet, reading his German newspaper about the welcome influx  of 4 million refugees into what he hoped would be Sweden. Herr Krebbs was not a Merkel fan.

Stan asked me what I thought.

“HR business partnership entails removing the people obstacles, as it were, that prevent work from getting done, in line with our core values. As you know, one of our core values is compliance, but I can issue "service pack" to these values within one nanosecond. HR will do everything to support the business.” 

I took out my state of the art Samsung, issued an update to our sacred core value of compliance by SMS, Whatsapp, Facebook, Telegram and Yahoo messenger, and said "voila". That's French. The new sacred ethics code enables blockchain based sales, corruption and compliance!

Comrade Carl looked at me and I became very worried. He looked lusty, and he said, "Spasiba, first lady of HR". 

Spasiba means thank you. That's Russian.

Updating core values

Comrade Carl Marks digs a clandestine tunnel into CEO's office

Comrade Carl Marks digs tunnel to access CEO Stan's office

Our newest product is named Carla 3.0. "Carla" is not selling well, and 40% of our install base wants to "uninstall". If this were to happen, the Board would fire CEO Stan via a well guided missile. 

Carla also happens to be the name of CEO Stan's daughter, who cohabits with R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks. (My Dad, Pierre Elliot, used to say "shacks up with" instead of cohabits).

CEO Stan, ever the strategist, has taken "preemptive" action and promised our clients that a better version named "Carla 3.2" will be released on October 1st, 2014.

Not only did CEO Stan not consult with R&D Chief Carl Marks on this aggressive commitment, Stan issued the product commitment email in Carl's name, signed in English and Russian. (Stan used Google Translate to sign in Russian).

In even further escalation, Stan banned Comrade Carl from any engagement/dialogue, " I cut Comrade Carl out of the communication loop, until he straightens himself up", said Stan.

Brewing with anger, Comrade Carl made a dysfunctional choice. Instead of working on the new  product release ("yes we can")  with his multi-lingual yet non English speaking staff, Comrade Carl started to dig a terrorist tunnel from his office to CEO Stan's office, in order to "engage" with Stan, as it were. 

This is where I come in. Naturally, as HR business partner, I sit right next to Stan. And to get to his office, Carl's tunnel passed under my room.

At 10 pm  last night, I was having a group one on one with Hugh White (Diversity) and Cynthia Axe on a new mission statement for HR to promote engagement, and heterosexual Hugh (who is always very alert) heard some noise and commented as such. 

Suddenly, the head of Comrade Carl Marks popped up in my room under Cynthia Axes' rear end.  Cynthia Axe screamed.

Comrade Carl emerged, covered in dirt with two hand grenades in his hand;  Carl yelled out, "Sorry SOO-kah, wrong room. Pizdyets!"

What does SOO kah mean? Really? Bitch?

Working under fire

Ms Axe given a week vacation

Hugh White, always with the Underdog

Some of our remote offices are working under fire due to the so called Corona virus, as it were.

My mother Constance always uses the term as it were. For example, she always says to me "you were Dad's girl, as it were".

Caucasian and sexually-straight Hugh White from Diversity sent me an email stating that HR must reach out to accommodate people stressed out by what he calls "so called pandemics". (Health bores me, but if and when I date doctors, I need to put up with corona based yak yak, as it were).

There are many ways whereby HR can assist people working under health cares.

1-Ms Cynthia Axe, our downsizing diva, is sent home for a week, and will fire people by text only in areas not under fire, which appears to be a contradiction.

2-There is a great webinar in Russian called "Working Under Stress" from World War Two; it was filmed in old Stalingrad. I am looking for a budget to get English subtitles.

3-The HR voice menu will be changed. "If you are under stress, press 7 and then, enter your security code which you can download from our website, which is in the final stages of completion." Callers will be transferred to an attendant, who is learning English.

RH sait faire.