My CEO claims, "I may not need HR"

Stan wants us all to be nice

CEO Stan sent a text to Hugh White (the heterosexual White Boy who runs Diversity), a certain Ms Cynthia Axe who heads "People Shredding/Downsizing Department" and to me: "be in my office at 800 am, and don't dare to be late".

My dad, the late Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me that when you are well paid, you need to put up with "a lot of shit". I am well paid.

The meeting began on time yet Stan continuously gawked at Ms Axe, of whom he keeps abreast.

Stan showed 5 slides in a ppt called, "Why I may not need an HR Dept".

Slide One: People here are not fucking civil or nice to one another.

Slide Two: Emerging-technologies and Sales have fist fights.

Slide Three: When I took a leak yesterday, I heard people gossiping that leadership here sucks. They were referring to me!

Slide Four: Either HR is worth our investment, or all 3 of you are out on your fucking asses.

Slide Five: I want a civil and "nice" environment within a week. Now get your HR business-partnership butts out of here and shake a leg.

I would define the meeting with Stan as challenging or non wow. So I need a consultant.

As readers of this blog know,  I think coaching/consulting is dead. However, if there is one thing I can tell you about these  snake oil consultants is that they are nice. 

My dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me that I should always be careful of people who are "too nice".

I picked up my phone and called 3 OD consultants. They were all asked to prepare a "Be Civil and Nice" campaign. I told them that the work is pro bono, and each agreed as long as I signed my autograph on their business card.

I told each OD consultant that they would also be charged $500 for my management time, and all agreed.

At the end of the day, I chose an English-speaking, smooth, impressive, tall, single and charming  consultant, who also is an blockchain expert, who agree to tutor me in with tips and OD techniques.

I would rather have constipation for a week than hire a consultant or a coach.

Consultants? Mais non!

Consultants and coaches undermine HR's power and authority. If you ask me, I would rather have constipation for a week than hire a consultant or a coach. Believe me.

Here's why:

1.    HR's role as business partner basically negates (nice word) the need for any external assistance, because HR leverages AI.
2.    I always claim that our recruiting is flawless; if we hired a coach, what would that mean?
3.    Sometimes, consultants and coaches purvey non wow messages.  This is not in line with our core values of purveying good news.
4.  Non facilitated outdoor activities solve 95% of organizational problems. The other 5% can be solved by horseback riding. (I plan to open a training stable soon with my horse, Jean-Marie)
5.   When everything  fails, all you need to do is buy a German or Swiss blockchain.

Issuing RFP! Guidelines for Coaching, Change Managers and other vendors.

With the administrative assistance of a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, the head our Early Bird Retirement Plan, and in coordination with heterosexual and white Diversity Chief, Hugh White, I have published the following directive to our Coaching, OD and Change Management vendors, so that each profession knows which R.F.P. to they each need to manage.

Please read carefully, and buzz off, because we have a vendor-less change and training program.

A coach deals with individuals and tries not to impact the system because otherwise, he, or she for that matter, might be effective. A coach studied coaching, and perhaps flower arrangement and fast food store management. Coaches use words like "sustainable and global" all the time. They stopped using the words "TQM and re engineering." Coaches spell the work censor, as in "satire should be censored as part of HR police-Y."

A consultant deals with irrelevant issues like processes, alignment, undermining HR and Talent Management. Consultants studied psychology, sociology and even community  organizing. Some even studied organizational behaviour, which is absurd! Organizations make money, for heaven sake  They do not behave! Consultants use fewer buzzwords, because many of them have no work. Consultants claim that they are sensors, while HR is looking for censors, for heaven sake.

A change manager deals with templates which provide a sense of "certainty". A Change Manager studied weather forecasting, which is why they make very clear and concise commitments. Change managers are cogent, crisp and clear, although they often off-plan. I love word "cogent". Change Managers make "sense" of change, by making it predictable, not like OD slobs.

OD is brain dead

Glo, Cynthia and Hugh White (too White to be seen)

drive vendor less OD

We ladies of HR are in a new age of liberation from OD oppression. OD is dead, Mai oui! And having worked with many OD consultants, from the best to the worst, I am titillated that OD is totally dead. Here is some data driven "proof of death".

1) My favourite HR site (which provides agile and sustainable thought leadership to all its stakeholders) sent me a great text message about the importance of formulating a weekly strategy. 

Within one week, all our company employees (supported by Cynthia Axe) had formulated a sustainable weekly strategy, without any OD consultant.

2) One year ago, this very same site that sent me a critical life-changing text which advised me to use the term "in a timely fashion" 5 times a week, and to be generous with the  use of the term "global and sustainable". Furthermore the site issued a text about the importance of the daily use of the term "in line with our core values. "  

All of the above was implemented without OD meddling, or coaching, or change management.

What has replaced OD?

1) Webinars

2) Agile, sustainable, evidence driven, professional HR business partnership.

3) Cooking courses

4) Outdoor axe-periences

5) Cost effective coaching done by plumbers and electricians, who rewire the brain and release "thought blockages".

Follow me @GRamsbottom 

 

I am hiring an OD vendor for an offsite

Our senior management team is once again going off site for a one day brainstorming session  on "aligning with success". I am looking for an OD vendor.

The context of the offsite is yet another semi wow quarter, the non wow acceptance of our last software updates, the "ambiguous rescheduling" of our next release, and the prolonged captivity of our CEO by the Bank, following cash flow related "issues".

CEO Stan (who will be released by the bank for the offsite)  has asked that the offsite be wow wow wow. 

The OD vendor that we will commission should respect and grovel to SVP HR Gloria Ramsbottom. Furthermore, we are looking for a vendor who is:

1. practical (we want 10 action items)
2. global
3. sustainable
4. in line with our core values, whatever that means
5. flexible, especially in payment terms
6. built to last (until Stan retires)
7. leverage big data
8. civil
9. mellow and positive
10. high impact yet low key
11. fun fun fun
12. popular (average score of 9.8 out of 10) on summary sheet 

The vendor should speak English with a proper British accent, or at least without an Russian or Thai accent, in lines with respecting "most" minorities.

Please contact gloria.ramsbottom@gmail.com

Follow me @GRamsbottom