Saturday, 7 July 2018

Gender bias and the HR lady

When CEO Stan and I sat down for our weekly one on one, I immediately noticed that he had had a hard night. It appeared that last evening, Wifey had read an article about gender bias in hiring in some Toronto based newspaper. 

Wifey told Stan that one CEO had found himself in the slammer for claiming that pregnant women make good candidates, except for the fact that they are pregnant. 

"Stan", Wifey suggested, "meet with Gloria and ensure that you don't end up in the "calaboose". I don't want your name to be all over the front page because of your primitive biases. Do you understand me, Stanley"?

Stan told me even before I sat down that "gender bias needs to be eliminated. Right now." Then he added, "I just want to give you my brief guidelines."

Verbatim, meaning word by word, this is what Stan then said.

"Gloria, we all know that women make good HR managers and great admins. Apparently, this is not enough anymore. There is a jihad going on and I don't want to see you get slaughtered. On the other hand, I do not want to have our schedules delayed due to motherhood related issues, minor attacks of hysteria and overall nervousness. I also don't plan installing more mirrors in the toilet. Finally Gloria, jihads are fine, if you live in the Middle East or France, or Sweden. But I want our workplace run with functional pragmatism, diversity, openness and engagement. Maybe Merkel wants jihad; I don't".

Finally Stan said, "Strike a balance Gloria. Do the right thing. Perhaps hire a few pretty cadets with nice legs to work in my office for the summer".

On the way out of his office, I walked by Comrade Carl who was speaking to Ms Axe. "Cynthia, what a pretty lady you are. Heavens, if I woke up next to you, I wouldn't need to pop a Cipralex each day.``

Cynthia said, "Anything is better than working for that bitch Gloria".





Saturday, 2 June 2018

Traveller assistance HR bot, blockchain based, now available in Asia and Australia

Whats in your tucker bag, Comrade?


Our chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks was on a customer visit to beyond the black stump in  Walawalawalawong Australia where he was arrested upon entry at Sydney Airport because he forgot to declare that he was wearing wooden shoes. Anyone who is everyone (and the opposite) knows that you are not allowed to bring wood into Australia.

To make things worse, Carl had some lice in his nostrils so the Australian cops shit their pants from happiness, Carl enabling them to meet their daily arrest quotas early, then go have a beer at 2 pm. "Off the to the clink, weirdo,  and welcome to Australia", said the cops as they put the not so jocund Comrade Carl in the cooler.

However, since I am the first lady of HR and way ahead of the pack, I had already deployed our emergency hotline bot for travellers, which set off an alarm the moment that Comrade Carl was handcuffed and hauled away, from an HR perspective. The hotline bot was aimed at extricating all travellers from their woes/ whinges within an hour or so, New York time. This is in alignment with our core value of "blockchain enhancement to make people happy".

Sadly, all software has its bugs, and our emergency blockchain dashboard indicated that Comrade Carl was in a Bangkok brothel without enough money for prophylactics. 

The Comrade’s bank account was accredited with 350 Thai baht, in Australian dollars. Immediately, an SMS was sent to the incarcerated Comrade asking him how satisfied he was with our agile service.

Here is the text message that I received.

"Yob tvoyiu mat, Gloria, you and your whole f—king HR department. Your helpline is as useless as tits on a bull. Get me out of the slammer now, kibinimat, or I will refuse to do my annual appraisals. By the way, the wine they serve in prison is very good. Love, Carl"


Blockchains are not perfect


Friday, 27 April 2018

Hiring pregnant staff

I am not yet returning to Canada

CEO Stan told me that if 'you hire one more pregnant staff, you are out on your pretty ass, Gloria, and as far as I am concerned, you can go back to Canada on a one way ticket.'

While I have no specific opinion whether or not pregnant staff should be hired, I had not yet developed a set of questions which allow our managers to appropriately filter candidates, from a pregnancy perspective. So, putting on my thinking cap, I developed the following questions and sent them to the 'Recruitment Group' on Whatsapp. I backed up the Whatsapp with an email and text message.

1) Please tell us what you think about the following statement-'an undisclosed pregnancy during the hiring process is a major felony on the part of the candidate'.

2) Please tell us to what degree you agree with this sentence. 'A pregnant candidate is a great candidate. She can work like a man, even though she gets paid less. The only problem is that she is pregnant.'

3) To what degree does the following sentence describe your state of mind- 'sexual abstinence helps me achieve excellence at work; abstinence is sexier than a blond  Swedish blockchain.'

When our CEO Stan received this Whatsapp, he told me that 'you won't be going back to Canada for a while, and make sure not to get knocked up, Gloria.'

Pregnancy after retirement, svp


Thursday, 12 April 2018

How to lower health insurance premiums using a blockchain

                         


Ms Ramsbottom,

Here is the summary of our meeting today, during which I was asked to stand for 2 hours without being offered  a glass of water.

1) We have granted your company a 70%  discount on health insurance premiums for all your staff, legal and illegal.

2) Dental treatment for wisdom teeth is valid beginning with the 5th wisdom tooth.

3) Drugs covered by the FDA are not covered. Drugs authorized by Eastern European health agencies are covered after 3 months of hospitalization. The first three months of drug treatment are to be defined as 'user experience preparatory training'.

4) Ambulances are to be provided within 5 minutes for nerds injured whilst driving and texting, when proof is provided that company business was involved.

5) Our doctors, or some of them, will speak some English.  All are medical doctors, nurses or skilled agrarian feldshers

6) Your senior management team is upgraded to an improved plan.

It was a pleasure meeting with you and observing your Austrian blockchain. Indeed you are the first lady of HR.

Ann Shuurer-Ortega-Otelini

Wow Insurance
Account Manager

Friday, 6 April 2018

Dressing to kill -what is it ? according to a German/Swiss blockchain


Our nerds are too traditional

Comrade Carl Marks, our head of R&D, surprised me as our senior management meeting was wrapping up. 'Some of our nerds claim that some of the secretaries, most HR ladies and the lady paymaster in finance dress in a way which is offensive to their tribal traditions. I want to know how our HR lady Gloria plans to manage this. By the way, personally, if you ask me, I don't mind how the ladies dress, as long as they don't drag me into court for gawking at their wares, kibinimat'.

Before I could answer, CEO Stan said, 'Comrade Carl, you have brought up a salient point. I am sure you all know what salient means'. CFO Herr Krebbs, who is German, was looking this word up on his mobile phone. 'Jaaaaa, I know vat it means. Gut. Weiter '.

CEO Stan, who comes from the old school, remarked that hiring nerds from primitive cultures keeps costs down, but takes all the fun out of work. Then, CEO Stan asked me to 'manage the polarity between morality, common sense, fair exposure, and the level of excitement, intellectual or erotic.'

I love managing polarities. My mind is boiling up 'vis' new ideas.....on one hand, on the other hand, on the third hand. And I remember my Dad telling me that 'we only have two hands, my dear Gloria.' I will need to use my German blockchain to figure this out. 



Thursday, 22 March 2018

Answer to refused job applicants

Nyet


Dear Candidate,

Please note that your name is in the BCC of this email,
which is sent all 5243 candidates who applied to our firm for the job of service engineer.

Applicants to this job were rejected either because they spoke English too well, they did not respect HR ladies, they flew on 'ethnic airlines', or because they wanted to maintain a work life balance by sleeping at home more than 3 days a week. Sexual preferences were not factored into choices, nor was skin colour or religion in most cases.

So yes, the answer is no. As in yes, we have no bananas. 

However, as the first lady of HR, I would love your experience with us to be wow, 'ergo' I am offering you a discounted weekly subscription to my book blog, 'In search of meaning in the Gig Economy'. It is very short, 10 pages, and you can get a copy by wiring me ten euros.

Thanks for applying. And by the way, do you know any illegal immigrants? If so, we are hiring them to wash cars in our executive parking lot. For each applicant referred, one gets 3 discount points which can be redeemed at my sister Claire's online store. She sells guns (to US residents), German blockchains 2nd hand and sunbeds to Scandinavians.

So merci and tak. We hope you have enjoyed your virtual stay with us, albeit as a rejected candidate.

Dr Gloria Ramsbottom 
1st lady of HR





Saturday, 24 February 2018

Improved Healthcare for our nerds based on Swiss/German Blockchain generated data


Health care is a cornerstone of our recruitment strategy. Every illegal nerd that disembarks the boat knows that we provide health care that simply was not available in the homelands from which these nerds emanate. Leveraging these health benefits as well as one hot meal a day, we manage to be the employer of choice for some nerds.

So what is it that is so attractive in health plan? Well, an old Canadian commercial used that say that most shoppers shop at Dominion 'mainly because of the meat'. So here is the meat of our health plan.

Each nerd gets one  free MRI a year, on any organ he (or she for that matter), chooses. Even if nothing hurts, an MRI is available. Travel to and from the rustic clinic (in Halifax) is  by Greyhound at a small cost. Details on our website.

A free pack of Cipralex is provided for all nerds in pre sales. Nerds in Customer Service get an Abilify boost for their Cipralex and a framed copy of the Sykes-Picot agreement.

Headaches, backaches and toothaches are all dealt with by our in house medic (фельдшер)Dr Alexei Feldsher, who served in the Red Army in the 1930s.

If surgery is needed, all nerds get 30 US dollars towards a Ryanair ticket to Sweden, where the authorities have a good reputation for compassion.

I do know that many HR managers and leading professionals may ask, 'where does that HR lady procure her innovative abilities?'  Well, there are those us who think and those of us who do. I'm both, thanks in no small part to my Swiss and German blockchain.






Monday, 12 February 2018

Our company doctor provides fascinating data and predictive analytics


In order to provide cost effective yet competitive medical care for our staff, we have an on-site doctor , conveniently located near our spare parts warehouse in the basement. 

The medical services are rendered by Dr Alexei Feldsher, who studied a triple whammy (medicine, blockchain and data mining) in the Ukraine.

Dr Feldsher reports into the first lady of HR; Feldsher freely shares all medical info with me, in line with our key values of the boundary-less organization.

After I needlessly bragged that HR has "migrated and  morphed into data and predictive analytics, augmented by a German blockchain", I was cut off in the pass and asked to present HR data analytics in the upcoming board meeting.

I asked Dr Feldsher to cough up data for that meeting, whilst insuring that he covers his mouth whilst coughing.

I must admit that I was not totally shocked by the data, but I was slightly shocked. I did know that our CEO has inflamed hemorrhoids (since he has a bidet installed in his executive toilet) and keeps Preparation H on his desk. I also knew that Ms Axe is on the pill. Any idiot would know that!

But I did not know that 87% of our nerds complain that our clients have bad breath, body odour and unfair expectations from our products. Nor did I know that our 120% of our sales force take the anti depressant Lexapro.

Dr Feldsher sent me all this data on a lovely power-point, with all sorts of pyrotechnics. Dr Feldsher's last two slides claim that one of clients will assassinate our CEO Stan and that all of  our investors will suffer heart attacks after the Q1 2018 revenue reports are published. I asked the good doctor to remove those slides before he loses his job.

Friday, 26 January 2018

Herr Krebbs rejects income derived from a shady sale, and HR called to the rescue


Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, was happy as a lark when he received a Whatsapp informing him that a slimy agent had just made a sale of our new embryonic product to a village in the Cook Islands.

The Comrade sent a jocund email to all which read- "Cook Islands today, South Sudan tomorrow and England or Germany by this weekend.  Kibinimat, Stalingrad is back in our hands again".


Back in our hands again


Immediately, an all hands meeting was convened in the Marshall Zhukov Auditorium ; all smartphones were confiscated at the entrance by Ms Cynthia Axe, to ensure full attention. I hid my smartphone and smuggled it in so that I can update my status of my dating profile.

Comrade Carl was standing on the stage waving at the mob of nerds like Kim Jong Un (one). Once everyone was in their seat, Herr Krebbs our German CFO asked for permission to speak. "Dear Comrade Carl, Ich nicht is a party pooper. But- ver is da contract? Ver is zeh terrrms ohf payment? Zis is  scam maybe, ja? I declare by ze powers invested in me zat zis deal is off. Ja. Danke".

CEO Stan who was sitting in the first row texted me, "Gloria, do we have mental health insurance for Comrade Carl? Has Mister Herr Krebbs had cultural training? Where the fuck does Mister Herr Krebbs think he is working? Germany? Norway? The Swiss Republic? We NEED that revenue, Gloria.  Fix this issue pronto with that over-starched Mister Herr Krebbs, Gloria, and please adjust Comrade Carl's medication. Now. Stan."

Thank heavens I know all about blockchains. They fix everything.


Marshall Zukov Auditorium






Wednesday, 17 January 2018

On pleasing clients from shit hole countries

Digestive issues

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, has been in Denmark attending a Happiness Seminar Using a Blockchain".The Comrade told me upon his return that "there is no fucking way of being happy when the sun goes down at 230 pm". 

However the Comrade did return from his seminar with a "grand idea for which I need support from the first lady of HR". To that end, Comrade Carl invited me for breakfast as 2 PM, claiming that he is jet lagged.

Comrade Carl ordered a 18 slice American-sized, super huge pizza and a bottle of scotch for lunch. After he finished eating, burped then apologized, he said, "Gloria, our clients' intelligence is severely lacking. Our finicky clients have a penchant for functionality whilst our products are well known for their technological sophistication. This creates some dissonance . My plan to is augment our  clients' intelligence with AI. The way that I see it, I own the AI strategy and you, Gloria, own the implementation. After all, you are a lady of action."

I forgot to tell you readers that I don't eat breakfast at 2 PM. So I ordered a bottle of mineral water and a bran muffin, for my digestion. I often have digestive problems after I speak to Comrade Carl.

I told Comrade Carl that augmenting our clients' intelligence with AI is no big deal. However, I told the comrade that I am capable of doing so only in English, French and Viennese German.

Comrade Carl jumped to his feet and bellowed, "Gloria, our clients come from shit-hole countries, where no one really speaks any language all that well, let alone English."

I promised Carl that I would commission an offshore vendor to "address this issue in a timely fashion using a blockchain."

Carl hugged me and whispered in my ears, "Kibinimat Gloria, you have the nicest legs this side of  DimitrovgradRussia".



Shit-hole clients

Monday, 1 January 2018

My 2018 New Years Resolutions

Never one to be influenced by public opinion and populist social media, I am making resolutions for 2018. Oui! And I will follow up on these resolutions, using new software which I have just downloaded on my 3 smartphones, in line with my core values of downloading new software all the time.

I have limited myself to 3 resolutions, in line my core values of being brief. 

1) I will not overuse the term blockchain. True, I did pile the cold cuts high, as it were, about bigdata and peopleanalytics, but I won't do so for blockchain, Blockchain is like sex; if you overdose, it becomes routine. Heavens, who needs a routine blockchain!

2) Following the huge numbers of Germans who read mine blog, I plan to perfect my Viennese accent. Most of the German speaking crowd think that I'm Bavarian. This will change. 

3) I will cease and desist from teasing the Danes about how happy they are. Instead, I will promote the Danish way of achieving happiness, ie, Cipralex. My 150 year old Mum started taking Cipralex and she feels happier than a pig in shit. And she meets new people every day.

OK, I will add one more.

4) HR is not dead. No, it's alive and kicking. This having been said (I love that expression), I will take an on-line course or a PhD in Investment Banking, so that I can eventually return my chips and retire in a nice cozy place like Sudbury in Ontario, Glasgow which is in England or Darwin which is in Australia. 

Vienna here I come