Monday, 23 October 2017

Blockchain driven HR- a case study from the 1st lady of HR

ICO was wow

Not everyone understands blockchain applications in HR, but on the other hand not everyone understands French or Latin either.
I certainly have internalized the block-chain principles; this month I inaugurated (and rolled out) our pilot blockchain program, which yielded a 600% ROI  within  two hours. ROI is short for return on investment. Read on for more details. Merci!

Our dollar based compensation was dissolved, as it were. I often say "as it were" to soften the blow. The dollar was replaced by our wow blockchain  driven performance evaluation, based on a virtual currency which HR has launched.

Here is how it works. Each manager gets access to a virtual currency with which he can award  any underling who does what he or she is told to do. Then, the underling can use this currency to purchase goods at our company canteen, which will be stocked with Scandinavian goods in due time.

Our Initial Coin Offering (ICO) was made available and  demand was outstanding. The currency features my picture with the caption "In Gloria speramus". That's Latin.

Finally, I wanted to share how we go about blockchain-enabled severance. Every time an underling gets 3 negative credits or cusses HR, he (or she) is automatically ejected from our building, with a virtual credit card with the amount that our firm virtually owes the employee. This is valid for use at our company canteen as well. For one month, except on weekends and Canada Day.

I am expecting to win an award for this, but I am willing to wait patiently for a week or so until I come into the limelight once again, due to the brilliance of this application.

Tuesday, 10 October 2017

Mental health day - my innovative approach to the role of the HR Lady

You don't need to lecture me about mental health issues. When my Dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to raise his voice at my Mom, Constance, I used to get a splitting headache. The only thing that calmed me down in these horrible moments was the thought that one day, I would become the first lady of HR.
In retrospect, which means looking backwards, I have always felt sane, but I am mindful of mental health issues.

Mindful is a great word.

Our firm ain't so firm, mentally

Today on mental health day, and in line with our core values of transparency, I want to discuss some of the mental health issues in our not so firm firm. 

1) If you ask our CEO Stan, 120% of our Sales force suffers from some sort depression. Our sales force avoids all contact with customers whilst the Head of Sales has been hiding in the toilet (stall 1 from the left) for 3 years.

2) Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, speaks with a Russian accent, although he is American. He believes that our product is a pearl and that if our customers don't like it, "they need to get their heads examined, kibinimat". Dear Carl has given Cipralex to all developers to "keep the development effort focused". Comrade Carl smokes joints in the parking lot and encourages his nerds to join him "in order to detox from debugging products which for all intents and purposes are fully functional."

3) Our CEO Stan has a narcissistic personality, if you ask me. I hope I spelt that right. He believes that the company is unworthy of his leadership and thinks we should all kiss his ass. However, since he suffers from hemorrhoids and uses Preparation H, there aren't too many volunteers.
No volunteers

4) 95% of our staff have dysthymia, especially if they speak English, have been working for us for 3 years and need to support a family.

5) The entire HR staff is constantly elated; some would say unnecessarily so. On one hand, anyone in HR should be happy that they have a job. On the other hand, what is there to be so happy about, if I do a reality check. I do reality checks on Mental Health Day, which shows I am built like a brick shit house, mentally.

I sent a Whatsapp to all staff encouraging them to use our mental health chat box, which diagnoses and treats mental illness online, without the need for yak yak therapy, whilst lying on some couch.

Tuesday, 26 September 2017

The upside of the downside

I have not posted for several weeks albeit my core value of posting every week in order to enhance my branding as the first lady of HR.

However, there was a good reason for my absence, which was felt as far away as Melbourne, which is in  Australia; I was very busy managing a major positive crisis.

Move your white ass, Gloria

Three weeks ago, our CEO Stan called me into his office to inform me that we had just lost three of our two major clients. This does not make sense from a mathematical perspective, but it does make sense from an evidence based HR perspective. 

Our CEO was as stressed as an American liberal New Yorker reading Trumps' tweets. This is what he told me:

"Gloria, I want you to put a positive spin on this. Our nerds to be aware that this is a huge opportunity, and not gossip in the crapper about managerial impotence. I want to hear more whistling in the hallways, for Christ sake, Move your white ass Gloria, or I will give you the boot."

Thinking cap

I was beside myself. I had so many ideas that my head was buzzing. Finally, after wearing my thinking cap even in my sleep, I issued the following Whatsapp to ALL. (I backed up the Whastapp message with an email and a text.)

"After our senior management decision to dismiss more than 100% of our key clients, we ladies of HR want to call to your attention that we  have 3 major wow reasons to celebrate. 
1) We can now give our Sales Team challenging stretch goals, 
2) Our product can be further developed free from client restraints, 
3) the ladies of HR will be busier than one armed paper hangers as we resize to align with external reality, from a budget perspective".

CEO Stan called me into his office and kissed me on the hand, like a Habsburg nobleman. I was a happy as a pig in shit. And yes, I got a raise.

Wednesday, 23 August 2017

Gloria Sherlock Ramsbottom and Recruitment

A wet Syrian passport

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, decided to hire 3 nerds immediately to debug the former version of our product since the new version is still 'pre embryonic'.

Ms Cynthia Axe, our chief down-sizer, suddenly found herself with tasked with hiring, which is akin to the Pope being asked to run an abortion clinic, if you get my drift.

However Ms Axe, fearful of her eroded reputation, wanted to avoid hiring mistakes and as such, each interview was taking over half an hour. Comrade Carl, under severe pressure, texted me to 'get Cynthia to move her white ass and expedite the hiring process, or I will hold your feet the fire Gloria. Don't fuck with me, Gloria.'

Comrade Carl's anger problem is managed by a series of medications, some of which missing from the chemists' shelf.

All of these events came as I was reading a  Sherlock Holmes novel as I have a date in six weeks with a detective.

I wandered down near the room where Ms Axe was interviewing and 3 candidates were awaiting their interview. Axe was running 2 hours behind time.

I went into the room where Ms Axe was preparing an excel sheet, comparing candidates. 'Axe' I exclaimed, 'hire the three candidates sitting outside. The first on the right is a refugee of the illegal ilk. He shall work in the parking lot. The one in the middle is an Israeli. He shall work with Comrade Carl's "AI-Bot Algorithm Team". The third is a jocund Dane. Hire her as well, and she will deal with customer anger issues. I imagine the names of the candidates are Said, Moshe and Maya, in that order.'

Elementary my dear Axe

Axe fell on her knees and kissed me hand. 'How did you know that Gloria? You are amazing. You appear to have the divine inspiration.'

'Elementary my dear Axe. Said has a wet Syrian passport in his pocket. Moshe is arguing with himself. Maya is happy and smiling although she is looking for a job'.

As far as their names are concerned, I guessed.

Friday, 18 August 2017

Extreme political views at the work place-a practical guide for the HR lady

Trump needs a lobotomy
Diversity Chief Hugh White, the Caucasian  straight lad who runs Diversity, sent me a Whatsapp asking me what our policy is vis a vis (French) hiring staff (humans and bots) who are affiliated with Nazi neo Fascists. "I know this question is controversial, but the rank and file are in an uproar", claimed Hugh.

Of all the stupid questions I have been asked, this is not one of the more stupid ones. After re-reading a Sherlock Holmes story, remembering the use of induction, logic and having a posh English accent, I followed the following my logic and feline instinct. Voila-my thoughts.

  • My Dad fought the Nazis and always told me they were an 'inhuman, evil lot, with a filthy ideology rotten to the core; they also reduced their own country to a pile of rubble in the end'.
  • I had a Jewish girlfriend in high school, Sharon Bernstein, and we were closer that I was with my bitchy sister Claire.
  • Stan, my boss and CEO who never speaks of politics, told me that Trump "needs to get his head examined; he needs a fucking lobotomy".
  • And finally, out chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks, has a huge sign over his desk which reads 'Nazism sleeps poorly". Next to that sign is a picture of Marshall Zuhov, who I understand, was an American general who was very dominant in the fall of Nazism.

On the other hand, I do believe in training my staff to use their limited intelligence. So I send Hugh White a Whatsapp imploring him to 'use his common sense, whilst being sensitive to the winds of change." Whatsapp is the only way to convey important information.

I know what will guide Hugh's reasoning. He knows that we are a very tolerant organization. Only the HR team and CEO Stan speak English well. Our CFO is German; Herr Krebbs does speak English but he has a very zrtrrrong accent. And we have 343 illegal immigrants who work in our parking lot and cafeteria. No one in Engineering is too white and we have 582 mother tongues registered for out 400 nerds. 

Hugh just called me and asked if we
winds of change
can hire an anti-Fascist. 'Hugh' I told him grimly, 'you will never be the EVP of HR'!

Saturday, 15 July 2017

Making HR more relevant for business needs

Good advice from Comrade Carl

Yesterday, our air-conditioning was on the blink so I headed to a cafe (which is a French word) where I get a 80% discount and the air is as cool as a Danish cucumber in summer. 

Sitting in a booth was our chief nerd, Comrade Carl Marks, and  CEO Stan, who were discussing the 'build' of my down-sizer, Ms Cynthia Axe. Stan used the term 'brick shithouse'. However as I approached, they became more politically correct, and started gawking at my legs. 

'Come join us Gloria', suggested Stan. The comrade and I are discussing how to make HR more relevant to our business needs'. Stan then excused himself for a moment or two, in line with his key value of an enlarged prostate gland. 

Carl told me that the organization as we know it is crumbling, 'just like the nation states in the middle east. Jesus Gloria, no one thinks Iraq, Syria or Libya exist anymore except on CNN and BBC'. 

'What are you getting at, my dear Comrade Carl?', I asked naively.

Stan returned from having a leak. Comrade Carl continued,
'I was just telling Gloria that HR needs to align itself along the tribal lines of our staff. We need a white tight ass English speaking HR lady for Sales, an Indian lady for our IT department who speaks 38 dialects, and there is no need for any HR in R&D. My nerds come from countries where ladies have no respect and bosses (always men) deal with HR issues at the local level. I plan to hire a secretary to do all the manual tasks of HR, and take on the high level work on my own. I love you Gloria, but you needs to develop your career in data mining or hairdressing'.

The comrade then got up and said, I'm going out to smoke a joint;  then back to work. Gloria, you are a great gal. Please pay my tab; I have 4 doughnuts and a diet pepsi.

Built like a brick shithouse

Friday, 30 June 2017

Do Germans write perfect software?

Software as an art

Our CEO Stan's ire was indescribable when a trade magazine labelled our latest software release as "shabby and tatty piecework". The author of the article called for a "shake up "of our company at the highest levels.

Stan called a management meeting this morning; he opened the meeting asking me (as his senior business partner) "how many Germans work in R&D; I've heard that they write perfect software and their UX (user experience) is better than most sexual experiences."

Before I could answer Stan (that we have only one German in our company, that being  CFO Herr Krebbs), our R&D chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks jumped into the discussion with vigour.

"Gentlemen and Gloria," he said. "if someone claims that they have never pissed in the pool, they have either never swam, or they are liars. No one writes perfect software. Not the Germans, not the Indians, not the sloppy Middle Easterners and not even the Swiss. Software is an art, and artists have style not only rigeur. Many so called bugs are indeed features". 

Stan our CEO, asked me what "riguer" meant, since I am Canadian. But Carl yelled at me "don't answer Gloria, I am in the middle of my explanation".

Stan bellowed, "Comrade Carl, I'm the one who gives the orders around here for Christ sake".

Comrade Carl retorted, "I know that Stan, but Friedrich Paulus lead the siege of Stalingrad, and where did that get him?"

We finished the meeting with an action item to celebrate Denmark Day twice a week, to lesson the tension in our senior team.

Just as we were adjourning, CFO Herr Krebbs said that whilst indeed Germans do not write perfect software, "ze company "cout (could) benefeet frrrom more discipline. Ja".

Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Sexual Harassment and the HR Lady

Dear old Dad

For the sake of my readers who may come from liberal democracies run by pushy women like me, I have put together my weltanschauung on the sexual harassment  issue based on input from my Dad, my boss and Comrade Carl Marks, the  chief nerd with an affinity for all things Russian. (Isn't that "w" word the cats' pyjamas! It's German!)

One's reaction to sexual harassment is heavily influenced by one's surroundings, if you ask me. And one's personal style plays a big part of how to deal with the men who hound you all day. I, for example, like to get a lot of mileage from the issues I deal with, from a power perspective. 

Dad told me from day one, "Gloria, men only want one thing; never forget that", I used to ask Dad what he meant and he would answer, "don't be a smart ass, Gloria. You know what the hell I mean". Of course I did! I may not read Descartes with my morning coffee, but I am not stupid.

At the beginning of this year, our CEO Stan called me in for a meeting "to provide you with some focus for your 2017 goals ". Stan told me that I need not "dot the I's and cross the T's, from a sexual harassment perspective." When I asked Stan what he meant, Stan told me he doesn't mind being sexually harassed by young Svetlana Grudovic (from the Bot team) and that as CEO, he wants to keep abreast of downsizer Ms Cynthia Axe.

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, told me that "sexual repression is the major enabler of poor software. We need to stop mimicking the puritan Americans and just go with the flow, kibinimat". Comrade Carl often lectures to his nerds, telling them that buying sex is cheaper than free sex, from the point of view of an economist.

Comrade Carl then added "Gloria, your legs are something else, but you are not my style. Find yourself a rich husband, or rich male bot and get the fuck out of HR."

I will present my "cut" on sexual harassment  at Oxford in my very first lecture, coming soon. I will lecture in Latin; an English translation will be provided.

Keeping abreast

Wednesday, 31 May 2017

Lead by avoiding fake news: case study

Our product is a pearl

A scathing article appeared in a high brow online technical journal claimed that our newest product, "was released pre maturely in an embryonic stage. Users are flabbergasted by the number of useless features which appear to be totally unrelated to business needs. Luckily, 12 software engineers and 2 orderly Swiss bots have defected from the engineering team under the leadership of the bizarre Comrade Carl Marks, in order to work for clients who purchased this so called product".

Our CEO Stan had read the article at dawn; at breakfast Wifey had printed the article and told Stan to "read this before you eat your porridge". Stan lost his appetite only to come to work all the more flustered.
The article was the first issue on our agenda in the senior management meeting held this morning. "What do you have to say about this, Comrade Carl? You ensured me that the product is a pearl. And what about you, Gloria? Defection is in the realm of HR, for Christ's sake. Speak up, or I will fire you both. Trump is no fool".

Comrade Carl, cool as a Danish cucumber on a dark December morning, said, "Spasiba and thank you-I only scanned the article because I avoid false news. However, let's look at cause and effect by examining the role of HR in the defection scandal. In East Germany, the Staatssicherheitsdienst ....."

CEO Stan interrupted and told Carl to "avoid using long German words".

But the Comrade continued "unabated" which is a nice word.  "In East Germany, the state police knew everything about everyone: their comings and goings, the food that they ate, their political opinions and even their sex lives. Our HR department doesn't know Jack Shit about anyone. Therefore, our ranks are more permeated with traitors than the American government by Russian spies. It's time for Gloria from HR to stop being such a liberal Canadian. We need kompromat (компромат)about our nerds, not HR data analytics."

Then Comrade Carl looked at me and said, "take it from here Baby".

I remember that my Dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to talk about spying a lot at the dinner table. Dad used to say that British intelligence is totally infiltrated by the Russians and that the East Germans have a listening device up everyone's ass. My mother used to say to Dad, "Pierre Elliot watch your tongue. You forget that our dainty young daughter is impressionable."


Monday, 8 May 2017

Managing clients by Rumours

Fuck the data on the dashboard, kibinimat

On May 1st, the entire engineering team including the Artificial Intelligence-Bot Group was  convened by the Chief Technologist Comrade Carl Marks for the lecture of the month. The lecture was given under the benevolent auspices of HR talent management, which is a subject under my imperial wing.

Comrade Carl invited me to join him on the podium, which I turned down because I have been busy texting my sister and mom and someone else; please no questions at this stage.

Comrade Carl opened his lecture by asking the crowd to applaud until "our beloved HR manager takes a bow", which I did in line with my core values of seeking recognition.

Comrade Carl told his people, "please turn off your phones, or at least pretend to. We need to act civilized. This is the USA, although none of you comrades have a green card".

Carl lectured about our new clients in North Korea  and Venezuela who have commissioned new products and plan to pay us by barter or by sending us cotton T shirts. Carl said that "if you read the specs the client sent us, it is not unnatural that you have some questions. However, there is no need for alarm because we are scrapping all the data driven development tools that "HR rammed up our ass" and replacing it with rumour-driven specs."

One of our more opinionated nerds, Comrade Igor Berdichenko-Itkovitz, asked "Tovarish Carl, what do you mean"?

Comrade Carl told Igor to sit down and shut up until the lecture is over and then "I will field your questions".

Carl ended up his lecture by asking developers to spread rumours to the clients that "Kim  and/or Maduro want this and that", this and that being based on our capabilities.

The nerds jumped to their feet and started to scream: "We love you Comrade Carl" and ""Death of Data" and "Gloria Go Home".

Sometimes I wish I was a torera, a hairdresser or the owner of a quiet lake by the warm and sunny sea. 

Friday, 5 May 2017

Taking up a job teaching HR at Oxford

Some snobbish readers may be surprised that I am considering take up a post at Oxford to teach for a year as a resident HR business partner. I would suspect that many Brits would think "what would Oxford ever want from that brainless twat?"  That is narrow minded, if you ask me.

Oxford, along with McGill, Swinburne and Secretary Academy of Montreal, are great schools that my Dad wanted me to attend; he applied a lot of pressure on me, When I was in grade one, my Mom Constance told my Dad, "Pierre Elliot, Gloria should be a hairdresser; not everyone needs to go to Oxford. Stop pushing  her to over-perform."

One thing led to another and as readers of this blog know, I reached the pinnacle of HR, specializing in each and every aspect of HR, zenga zenga.
And unlike Prince Philip who was born in Greece, I am not ready to retire. I feel that it's time to teach others what I know best-sloganeering, data mining, positioning, conniving, sycophancy and change management with an emphasis on execution via feigned compassion.

So, yes, Oxford, were you to finalize your generous offer, I'm on my way.
(Please pay me in any currency except British pounds; I fly premium economy and check in 6 bags).