"Wellness" could have been my middle name. Alas, I have no middle name. But "alas" is such a formidable word.
Our firm is well known for its wellness programs, which include pizza after 1 AM, partially subsidized shared taxis to shuttle the nerds home at 5 AM, an Early Bird Retirement Program to which one can register via Whatsapp, and free webinars piped into the toilets. I haven't told you yet, but our wellness program won an award from the Danish Daily, Der Lykke.
This having been said, our wellness program needs to be tailored to the reality of working from home due to the so-called Covid virus.
After a twenty minute conference call with Ms Axe and Mister Hugh White during which I listened with patience to their asinine ideas, the new wellness program was formalized.
However, needless to say that our custom made new tailored wellness program is a team effort. I led, and my lackeys followed.
So voila-here it is:
1) Partially subsidized masking tape will be provided to ensure quiet during conference calls.
2) Remember our corner restaurant, The House of Wong, which provided us with ethnic food until the shutdown? Well, I spoke to Mr Wong himself, and the restaurant will provide meal #17 at $12 a pop, and we will subsidize these meals by $2, after the third meal, beginning in June.
3) Shaving kits will be provided so that you bums look presentable for con-calls with clients. The kits include a razor and a small, fragrant paper towel. Blades will be provided for nerds taking part in key client calls at the pace of one blade a week. Hairy nerds needing more than one blade can apply to Huge White on our Diversity Portal- hr/diversity/corona/hairynerd/oneextrabladeplease