Thursday, 16 February 2017

Triple the amount of artificial intelligence

Danes are happy board members



The wife of our CEO Stan, a lady known to my readers as Wifey, has struck once again. Wifey has been reading 16 hours a day about bots & artificial intelligence.

This reading spree of Wifey happened simultaneously with a board meeting this week during which the Chairman of the Board informed CEO Stan that "you are walking on thin ice; if you don't show profit in 2017, you are out on your fat ass. Now get the fuck out of my room and start running the company".

I have never seen Stan's bum, but the Chairman meant business, if you ask me.

On the very same day of the chairman's veiled threat, the head of our Engineering Department Comrade Carl Marks organized a demonstration (with 700 of his nerds) outside Stan's office calling for more ethnic food, less focus on UX / customer satisfaction and release from the bonds of profitability.  One demonstrator carried a placard which read "Stan, Gloria et RH au poteau". 

Wifey's reading spree, the chairman's threat and the demonstration threatening me with a guillotine-when put together, provides the context for a text message Stan sent me an hour ago.

"Gloria, we need more reliance on artificial intelligence, especially in R&D management. Treble the amount of bots which mange code development. One more demand-our board lacks in a sense of happiness. Look for a happy Danish board chairman in order to beef up the board's  sense of satisfaction. All this within a week, or you will get the boot. Stan".


Under scrutiny







Thursday, 2 February 2017

On the job dying

 
A votre service


One of the nerds in on our big data algorithm team is a Spanish lady named Maria Paula Juanita Gomez Rodriquez Goldberg Teixeira de la Plata. 

This morning, Maria stood behind me in the line at the coffee machine. In a moment of bravery Maria asked me "Dona Gloria, ¿lo que pasa  if we die at work? Back in old Spain, the government takes care of this for the dead and his or her family. After all, we are part of Europe now". 

I have no idea what Europe has to do with this, although I do know that in parts of Europe like Denmark, the government pays for everything. 

In line with my core value of functional transparency, I explained to Maria that our HR policy stipulates that a nerd who has remained at work for 3 straight weeks and has refrained from washing as well as eating, who has no next of kin waiting to be deported from the USA, is entitled to a free cremation, along with a mainstream religious service conducted by Skype, mainstream being Catholic, Protestant or Jewish.  (We used to have a 4th  religion until the recent elections).

I forgot to tell Maria that the policy is only applicable for people who die on People Day.

Maria told me she was delighted to know and asked me if HR plans to introduce a siesta from 1300 till 1700 into the work schedule. 
Luckily, before I had time to get angry, I got a text from my dating service and Maria was spared my wrath.




Sunday, 22 January 2017

A traitor in our midst?- On Industrial Espionage

Who was Kim Philby?


Once every five years, I invite the HR staff for tea and a biscuit at Au Beau Pain, which is a restaurant with a French name. This outing increases engagement by 6%, linked to the British pound. 

As the HR team chatted at Au Beau Pain restaurant today, I was bored stiff, so I started texting my sister Claire, until I heard the voice of one of nerds, Andrei Ivanov, sitting behind me. 
I cranked my head to turn around;  lo and behold, Ivanov was sitting with one of our key customer's head of engineering. I know that their conversation was none of my business, and I remember that my dad always told me "don't eavesdrop Gloria-that's very rude",

But I could not help myself. 

As soon we got back from the restaurant, I told Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, that Andrei Ivanov had told the client engineer "not to expect too much from the next software release. Our company is going down the tube, and my boss Comrade Carl thinks he is Russian. If you have a job opening, I'll take it, even though our ladies of HR are very pretty."

I suggested to Comrade Carl that we immediately drag Andrei Ivanov into court. But the comrade surprised me.

"Gloria, don't butt into my plans. Clearly you don't know about Kim Philby. He was a Soviet spy who also happened  to work his way up to lead the  British Intelligence anti spy network. 
Kibinimat, that was a huge achievement which I plan to emulate. I plan to plant Comrade Ivanov into the clients' team in order to improve client satisfaction and user experience. And you have a key role in the act of deception Gloria".

I asked Comrade Carl what my role was to be, in line with my core values of keeping things crystal clear so that I keep my blood pressure down.

"Fire him (Ivanov) Gloria, without a hearing, yet keep him on payroll for two years. CEO Stan need not know about this. Spasiba. When this has been done, send me a text with the message "Ja".

Spasiba in Russian means "merci". 

My Dad never told me about Philby. But he always used to say over supper, "if Tim Buck loves communism, he should move to Russia." My mom would add, "Pierre Elliot, who gives a rat's ass about Tim Buck, for heaven sake".


Improving user experience






Thursday, 12 January 2017

Fear of the gig economy

Classified job descriptions


Herr Krebbs, our German CFO, asked for permission to speak in our management meeting today. Our CEO Stan said, "Mister Herr Krebbs, don't be so formal, just speak up, for Christ sake. And speak clearly-I cannot understand your weird accent".

Herr Krebbs said that "ve don't have enough kontrol at ze product level; I haf my doubts if any of our prrrroducts make any profit. I sink we need more data at ze  indiwidual product level. Ja. I finish".

Comrade Carl our chief nerd  exploded from anger. "Kibinimat Krebbs, do I comment about your fucking team of losers from Accounts Payable in Finance? None of our vendors get paid on time. Go clean your own back yard, yob dvou mat. It's no wonder why we clobbered you at Stalingrad! "

CEO Stan turned to me and said that "the team's behaviour does not reflect our core values of brotherly love, Gloria. Why do I pay you a fat salary as HR manager? Do you want to join the gig economy?" I almost died when I heard the word "gig". I popped a Clonex.

After the meeting CEO Stan called me into his room. Sitting next to Stan at the small but elegant table in his room was Herr Krebbs, our German CFO. Herr Krebbs stood up and shook my hand, although we had seen each other innumerable times during the day. Stan, Herr Krebbs and I chatted for 90 minutes after which Stan issued the following email.

To Gloria and Mister Herr Krebbs
From CEO Stan
Re-Confidential

Herr Krebbs and Gloria will hire a finance project controller in R&D. This controller will analyse each  project to determine the profit margin.
Comrade Carl need not know about the existence of this role. The new recruit will work from home and will be payed from a slush fund, under the radar of the Ethics Committee. (Gloria, you own that.)
Gloria and her HR ladies promise that Comrade Carl and the new recruit will work in pure harmony. Herr Krebbs' skepticism is noted and dismissed.

Thank you,
CEO Stan
I almost died



Thursday, 5 January 2017

How Leading Software Development is like Leading in Iraq and Syria

Looking east for solutions


Today, in line with our core values of pumping free leadership webinars into the thick skulls of our technical leadership, a lecture was sent by Whatsapp advocating "democracy in the work place". The lecturer was a white American who had just returned from a mission to Iraq.

At lunch, as folks listened to the webinar on their mobile devices, Comrade Carl Marks (our chief nerd) stormed into my office, dragging Herr Krebs (our German CFO) with him.

The comrade, never stable to begin with, was as red as a beet. This is an expression by Dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used a lot. Here is what the comrade had to say. (He spoke with a Russian accent).

"Gloria, have you ever heard of Gertrude Bell?" When I answered that I had teacher named Miss Lizzy Bell, he corrected me that this was a different Bell.

"Kibinimat Gloria, Gertrude Bell knew how to manage in a tribal environment. She even drew up a plan how to lead in Iraq and Syria. Bell  did not advocate democratic elections. She did not pedal dangerous liberal ideas! Nyet! She understood that you rule via tribal leadership or via brute force. Gloria, you may wish to notice that she was a Brit."

Comrade Carl lit a joint and continued. "Democracy is passe. Gestorban. How can you ask stupid people what needs to be done? You end up listening to the mob, for Christ's sake. Our nerds come from all over the fucking globe and very few them can even spell Democracy. And I promise you that they all want a strong leader who caresses like a Mama and screws them like a Papa".

Herr Krebs, our German CEO laughed and added, "Comrade Carl, ve dont haf zat expression in Deutch".

Comrade Carl stalked out of my room saying, "Gloria, recall that webinar, issue an apology, and grovel, or I will ensure that your useless HR department is run like a democracy, schas po ebalu poluchish, suka, blyad.


When I thought about Ms Axe and Hugh White (the straight white boy who runs Diversity) outvoting me, I got lower back pain and immediately called my chiropractor.



Lower Back Pain






Friday, 30 December 2016

My 5 2017 New Years Resolutions



1 Make HR great again.

2 Make our dithering workforce as diligent as a German and as happy as a Dane.

3 Increased use of data analytics to enhance my point of view.

4 To avoid thriving in the gig economy.

5 Lessen my agile use of sustainable slogans, yet remain relevant as HR business partner.

I am a dignified lady of my word. Check me out in a years' time. I will periodically (daily)  update on my agile progress. Happy and Sustainable New Year.





Monday, 26 December 2016

Focus talent management efforts on the client

Focus talent management on clients

Dear readers all over the world, from happy Denmark to far off and remote NZ, 
Our chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks ignored his doctors orders by taking his Cipralex and Seroquel anti depressants with brandy.
As a result of this combo, the Comrade's idea may have become more agile, but they are less sustainable.
I  received this email (below) from Comrade Carl whilst I am still on vacation up in Canada chez Mum.
Judge for yourself how drinking interacts with anti-depressants.
Gloria

Dear Gloria, 
S novym godom! S novym schastyem! That means happy new years in Russian.
I hope your mother is not driving you out of your mind during vacation. I love you Gloria but you live on the brink of insanity.
If you ask me, talent management efforts invested on our nerds are a waste of  resources, kibinimat. Our nerds are fucking brilliant and our products are a pearl.
Our clients, however, lack sophistication as well as being unappreciative.  I hate our clients like most of our nerds hate HR.
I am against all HR budgets, but since you get a fat talent management budget anyway, may I suggest that this  budget be invested externally to improve our clients' savvy and love of risk taking. I know you like the savvy word because it is so French.
I have sent an email to CEO Stan telling him that you are already approved this idea. Spasiba (merci)  for your cooperation, Canadian Girl.
Love and kisses,
Comrade Carl 


Monday, 12 December 2016

Secrecy and discretion as leadership tools

Discretion is the mother of virtue


CEO Stan's wife, aka Wifey, stayed up late last night reading a cunning management article. Instead of making Stan breakfast this morning, she left him a note as she had read and reread the article until 3 am. As a result of the aforementioned note, Stan called me into his office at 9 am.

"Gloria, it is no secret that CEO's are managed by the incompetence of their followers. I am a classic example of this Greek tragedy. And I don't have one drop of Greek blood in my ancestry. Probably the most incompetent follower I have is Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd. Christ Gloria, he is useless as tits on a bull. Have you seen how many pills he pops? Have you any idea how dysfunctional our products are?!"

Stan continued, "I want you to hire a Chief Technology Officer, who will work in parallel and synergize with Comrade Carl. Over a period of time, I will marginalize the Comrade and the CTO will take over, seamlessly. Gloria, the entire hiring process and the eventual outcome must be kept top secret. Comrade Carl is not to know anything about this plan. Gloria, I will deport you back to Canada if this all leaks out, and you will freeze your ass off in the long cold winters up there".

(Dad told me that no one is worse at keeping secrets than the British intelligence).

Stan and I shook hands and I walked back to my room. Sitting in my chair was none other than Comrade Carl Marks. Carl was listening to Russian music and smoking a joint.

The comrade look at me with seething anger in his eyes. "Gloria, Stan just sent me a text that you are conspiring to replace me. Kibinimat, what type of suka are you?

Carl appeared disappointed



Wednesday, 23 November 2016

How to sell a poorly defined product?

One step ahead of the game

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, surprised us all towards the end of our senior leadership team meeting. Addressing CEO Stan, the comrade said, "may I ask the honourable Gloria Ramsbottom from Human Resources a question of great interest to all of us?" 
Before Stan even answered, Comrade Carl said, "Our next release is in 2019; where the fuck is the Sales Force for this amazing product, kibinimat"? CEO Stan told Carl to watch his language yet looked at me and said "Answer that question Gloria." 

Always on my toes, I pointed out that due to product deficiencies, the shelf time of a salesperson in our company is 6 weeks. And I reminded the comrade that the new product has not been funded, or defined. As a matter of fact, many would say that our currently available product has not been defined.

The Comrade was frothing at the mouth, swearing at me in Russian. I gave him a Xanax and he drank it down with some brandy. Then the Comrade said, "I have already prepared a job definition for the role. Send it to head hunters, post it on social media, and put an ad in the South China Morning Daily and Haaretz."

The comrade is known to read foreign newspapers.

Carl plugged in his laptop and displayed the job description.

Wanted-
An exciting dynamic company with phenomenal growth potential is looking for a hypo-manic , semi delusional sales person who knows how to bribe agents, blow smoke up customers' behinds and support positive decision making in positive ambiguity. Must be able to understand poor English as a foreign language.

CEO Stan told me, "Take the ball and run Gloria, using Comrade Carl's platform". 
Our German CFO, Herr Krebs, added, "Ja, gut. Ve need more refenu (revenue). Ve cannot keep milking inwestors like cows".




Run vit de ball





Sunday, 20 November 2016

What legacy should an HR leader leave behind

My legacy

It is only natural that senior leaders often ponder what legacy they will leave behind when they get retire or get axed. I have thought about this as well, although let's be honest, no one is going to kick me out.

I am a practical gal and I value brevity as well, from an HR perspective. So here is the essence of my expected legacy-

1) HR is involved in every single decision; no one should take a dump without HR signing off. Sorry about  being crude, but my Dad used to use that "dump" term all the time. My Mom used to get very angry when he said that. But it did not deter him, ciboire, Mais non! 

2)  Slogan usage by the masses increases exponentially. I was never good in math, but I do know that exponential is a good thing. Much better than incremental, from an HR perspective. Ultimately, the word data should appear in most slogans.

3) The HR leader sits right next to the CEO at the management table, which is made of mahogany. At times, they smile at one another during strategic discussions and exchange messages by Whatapp.

Btw, I have achieved 97% of my legacy. But Stan our CEO does not use Whatsapp. (Stan read that Danes don`t use Whatsapp, and that`s why they are all so happy).



Thursday, 10 November 2016

The Trump Era-dealing with illegal employees


Justice has been served, kibinimat


Our chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks sent me a Whatsapp message today. "Gloria, I am delighted that Trump has been elected. Kibinimat, justice has been served. However, we have 90 nerds working for us who are illegal immigrants; my guess is that they will be booted out. 70 are named Svetlana, 98% don't speak English, and all of them are cheap labour. Please deal with this so that we can meet our deadlines. Spasiba (which means merci)  and with love-Comrade Carl.  PS You are a great gal!".

Just last week, Comrade Carl told me that Clinton helped disassemble Libya whilst "Trump's  wife is a piece of ass". My Dad always used that expression, but not when describing Mom. 
The comrade did admit that Trump " needs a brain transplant, but they are too expensive in the USA, kibinimat." 

Comrade Carl sure left me with the dirty end of the stick as far as these illegals are concerned. So I sent a Whatsapp to the straight white boy who heads Diversity, Hugh White. I asked for some big data and recommendations.

Hugh sent me the following Whatsapp: "80% of the illegal immigrants are straight. 8% of the Vlads speak both Ukrainian and Russian. 100% of the illegals are illegal, from a legal point of view. 19 of the illegals take Cipralex."

Hugh has been working for me for years and uses "point of view" quite often. Hugh continued, "As far as what to do, I defer to your judgement. Tak. Hugh."

Tak








Thursday, 27 October 2016

The 3 very best leadership webinars

Free-Gratis- חינם



"No one pays for knowledge anymore". This is a self evident truth.

In the hope of generating revenue, hungry OD vendors, trainers, snake-oil salespeople and change managers provide free webinars. 
The goal of these free webinars is to tease the naive viewer into buying a second webinar. 
Often a free webinar can consist of several bear traps to spend money, bear traps (piege a ours)  being a term my late Dad used to use.

However, since no one pays for knowledge anymore, I want to provide a list of guidelines regarding how to choose the best free leadership webinar available.

1) It must be brief. I would say 90 seconds is optimum.
2) It should provide free tips. May I suggest 3 tips as a minimum.
3) The presenter should speak the Queens English, and have a name that is pronounceable.
4) The webinar should also provide a free book as an incentive for attending.
5) The webinar should be tailored to your organization for free.


Tuesday, 25 October 2016

A note from the author of the Gloria Blog


From a modest start of 15 visitors a day 4 years ago,  1200 people a day now visit the Gloria blog daily. 

Readership, approaching 600,000 hits, is worldwide and each week the blog gets about 20 new subscribers.
I get many private emails which ask the same questions, so I will answer them publicly:

a-My inspiration comes from situations I encounter in my work as a consultant; I also get many ideas from reading HR blogs. Some of the stories I tell are  very real events.

b-Gloria is not based on one person, but is an aggregate of many  HR ladies-pathological texters, geographically challenged, "keep it short" freaks , and mass executioners, as well as buyers etc who have found themselves in an HR role. 
Stan is a very real person and he loves the blog. He is a hyphenated Canadian.
Comrade Carl is based on 5 people, all of whom love the blog as well.
I do NOT speak Russian, but I do speak reasonable Quebec French.

c-I work with many top notch HR people who themselves give me ideas for this blog. Some of the wildest ideas have come from HR people. This blog has in no way negatively impacted my excellent working relationship with senior HR people. Quite the opposite.

d-I write the blog mainly for myself. I love rereading my own postings.

Finally, a word of thanks. Thank you for reading the blog, thank you for posting it on twitter and fb, thank you for encouraging me. And keep spreading the word.

Merci,
allon  
אלון

Sunday, 23 October 2016

Use of data analytics for revenue forecasting-case study

A huge surge of adrenaline 

Stan the Man


There are no Danes on our management team. Danes tends to be the happiest people on earth, which is why perhaps they avoid our company like the plague.

Even if there was a Dane on our management team, he (or she) would not have been happy or jocund in our management meeting today, which dealt with revenue projection for Q4 and Q1. Notice the word jocund.

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, predicted that "every Tom, Dick, Harry and Svetlana will eventually buy our killer applications. Short term revenue forecasting is a futile exercise, for sissies". The comrade also suggested that instead of "fooling around with the numbers", we should plan the celebration party for when "our numbers will beat Samsung before the Note 7 debacle".

Herr Krebbs, our eccentric CFO of German stock asked CEO Stan for permission to reply. Stan said, "this is not Germany for Christ's sake Krebbs, say what you want without asking for fucking permission". As HR business partner, I suggested than Stan note that there was a lady in the room, namely me.

Krebbs said: "Ze numpers are deluzzional, like ze comrade himzelv. We need data, and ve need a zanity check on our bazic azzumptions. Ja. Danke!"

Comrade Carl stood up, pointed a finger at Krebbs, and told him, "that's why you all lost the Battle of Stalingrad!"

Stan told me, "Gloria, do your job and  calm the boys down. Please set in place a clear HR process for revenue projection which factors in Carl's optimism and Herr Krebb's reservations. You have 2 hours to finish this mission."

After the meeting was adjourned, I felt a huge surge (Serge is a French name) of adrenaline, although I still don't understand what data analytics is. Yet.





Tuesday, 18 October 2016

Introducing our HR Bot- a unique user experience

People Day


Today was a very special day in our firm-People Day. On this very day, we put people first, so to speak. As a matter of fact, "people-focus" is one of our core values.

We also have another core value, "HR as technology pioneer". 

So, putting both values together (synergy), we allowed our staff to stay at home for people day by using our new HR bot to provide a people day user experience remotely.

I programmed the bot using my bare hands. In line with my core values of partial transparency, I will share with you the code used in the bot's brain.

The bot has six answers. Every time a question is asked, the same six answers are flashed to the user in random order, in line with our core value of creativity.

Did you notice my huge focus on core values? I always emphasize values on People Day.

Here are the six answers that the bot sprouts.

1) Don't worry-we won't fire you by text.
2) Yes and no. Let me consult the procedure.
3) To book travel, call Greyhound directly.
4) Sorry Svetlana, but our HR bot speaks English only. Tak.
5) Sorry, you accent is very strong! Are you Thai, Danish or German?
6) Thank so so much for asking the HR bot. Version two will be released yesterday.

Just in case you don't know, we update our core values weekly as wwwwww.updatecorevalues/gloria/HR/lady.






Thursday, 13 October 2016

Selling our product is a cake walk for anyone with half a brain

Feedback and Cipralex

Comrade Carl Marks , our chief nerd, came into my office this afternoon. He was listening to the clip "Beat me with your Rhythm Stick on his mobile phone speaker. The Comrade sat down on the floor with his legs crossed and blurted out, "I want to give you some feedback, Gloria".

Feedback is a great tool, and as a matter of fact I am pretty hooked on positive re-enforcement, from an HR perspective. But the Comrade did not have HR in mind.

"Gloria, our Sales team are a bunch of losers. They can't sell cold lemonade on a hot beach. You may ask why this is the case , Gloria, and I"ll tell you why. 
Btw, my reasoning  has nothing to do with the fact that I wash down my daily dose of 20 mg Cipralex with brandy! 
Sales people need to be forward looking. Sales people need to focus on explaining to clients what they need, and not cater to their whims or user experience. Kibinimat Gloria, Sales need to sell, not invent excuses about product shortcomings".

Comrade Carl then looked at the picture of my Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, hanging on the wall. "You don't look like him at all Gloria. Are you sure he was your father?"

Then Carl continued. "In the end Gloria, either you recruit some competent sales people, or I will suggest you take over as Head of Sales. You can move mountains, Gloria. Selling our product is a cake walk for anyone with half a brain."

Part of my personal road map includes travelling to exotic lands like Denmark, Chad and Ireland, mastering German, and enhancing my salary. Sales, however, interests me as much as rereading Herta Muller's book The Land of Green Plums. 

In order to build a lobby to counter Comrade Carl's intentions, I walked into our German CFO's office. Herr Krebs was having kaffee und kuchen and reading about Trump's view of crime in Germany. I undated the eccentric Herr Krebs who said "zis is a wery intarezting dewelopment, Fraulien Gloria".









Friday, 7 October 2016

A day in the life of the First Lady of HR


In biology class in grade 7, we dissected a frog  named Clarence. My teacher Mr Paul Hecht told me, "Gloria, you dissected that frog with great skill. Make sure to get yourself get a career in HR." Actually, he used the French term RH, not HR.

As as I was doing my nails today, I asked myself, "why not dissect my workday so that readers can understand what makes me the first lady of HR?" So, in align with my core value of tooting my own horn, here is what my day looks like.

0300 am          Check text messages, ignoring employees; addressing CEO Stan's "queries".
0600 am          Make sure that all 3 smartphones are fully charged.
0601 am          Eat 3 cheeseburgers and take my thyroid medication.
0609 am         Text my employees (Axe and White) to ensure that they are awake
0611 am          Check dating sites
0859 am          Get into the executive elevator 
0900-1 pm      Connive, gossip and pedal influence, missing nothing
1 pm - 2 pm    Eat lunch with a senior executive, often Comrade Carl Marks
2 pm               Check dating sites
3 pm -7 pm     Analyse data and read Fru Maya's tweets
7 pm- 11 pm   Chair a meeting on work life balance
Midnight         Check dating site
1 am               Fall asleep with my Blackberry on silent mode.
                
Clarence

Saturday, 1 October 2016

My touching HR message for the Jewish New Year

שנה טובה לדוד גיבור


The white straight boy who runs Diversity, Hugh White, informed me that the Jewish New Years begins on Sunday evening. I cannot understand why the Jewish new year and the Chinese one "fall" on different dates. It just not make sense, from an HR perspective.

Hugh asked me to address our Jewish nerds on Friday by saying, "Gloria you may not be Jewish but you  addressed the Blacks on Martin Luther King Day!"

So on Friday at noon, Hugh gathered the folks into the HR Conference Room, which is strangely called the Vatican. Hugh White introduced me, and I gave a short talk in my shrill voice.

"I had a Jewish girlfriend in high  school back in Canada named Sharon Bernstein. She used to tell me that during September, there are too many meals, new years festivals, a day of fasting and too many family gatherings. Sharon asked me to hide her under my bed until the holidays ended. Of course my Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbotttom, did not agree....
I used to copy from Sharon in math tests and she copied from me in French, Latin, and spelling...Sharon once suggested I convert for the month of September, so I could have a lot of days off from school. Sharon warned me -"But you'll get fat Gloria"...So happy new year, and please leave your phones open during the holiday, in the framework of work work life balance."



Hugh White: straight, white and not Jewish

Monday, 26 September 2016

How to fire people by skype

As HR thought leader, I see it as my duty to share the tricks of the HR trade.

So today, I will explain how to  use Skype to fire staff  yet ensure continuing engagement of the workforce.
  1. Go to toolbar of Skype
  2. Go to call
  3. Go to group video
  4. Go to contacts, add members
  5. Shoot to kill (creating a wow user experience)
  6. Back up and document via text message, or a Whatsapp
  7. Call the security force to escort people out
  8. Launch an engagement programme with a perky HR  business partner lady
Gloria (left/a gauche) and Miss Cynthia Axe

Thursday, 8 September 2016

Job titles in the digital world

  My views on job titles

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd who takes Cipralex with vodka, confronted me in our senior management meeting. "Kibinimat Gloria, our job titles are way out of date; they lack dignity and stateliness".

Our CEO Stan asked the comrade what he meant by stateliness? Comrade Carl did not answer Stan's question, preferring to tell us all that he has renamed his conference room after  Vladimir Putin.

Stan confronted told me, "Gloria what are your ideas about job titles? After all, I want my team to be happy. Did you know that all Danes, for example, are happy?"

When I studied HR (along with supply chain, IT and data science) at the Secretaries' Academy of Montreal, my teacher Mr. Guillaume Plouffe, said that job titles are almost never needed, except for a few exceptions.

  1. to inflate people's importance because they are underpaid
  2. to retain people that cannot be promoted
  3.  to retain nerds whose passports we do not keep in safekeeping until they get a green card,  because they were born in normal countries.

Mr Plouffe also said that "in Asia, job titles are more important, because people are aware of their status." By the way, Mr Plouffe sold worms on the weekend to folks who headed north to fish.

Have I told you about my new business card?
It reads
Gloria Ramsbottom Lemieux
Senior Executive Vice President of Human Resources
Chief People Officer, Change Manager
and Coach.





Stateliness