Streamlining Performance Evaluation

Performance Evaluation can be a valuable tool in the same way that prolonged constipation can be an asset. Which means what it means.

This having been said, I have figured out how to get the maximum "bang for the buck" from the Performance Evaluation cycle, which we schedule each year just before summer break. I have maintained, and I continue to maintain, that just before summer break is a very good time to have these discussions, before each nerd's spouse poisons their mind about the work place over vacation time.

Our Performance Evaluation talks have 3 goals, in line with our core value of keeping things simple.

1) Prevent expectations  vis a vis (French) salary hikes.

2) Point out critical weaknesses which must be improved in the very near future.

3) Make the nerd feel more engaged, notwithstanding the aforementioned goals.

This year, several improvements have been introduced, in line with our core value of "constant improvement of the HR experience". 

AI will be interviewing the top percentile of high performers to ensure full control of the dialogue. I personally have coded the bot.

Miss Axe (Cynthia) our downsizer will wear pink and yellow when she speaks with the nerds at the bottom of the pecking order.

Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs DEI, will speak with non Christians and non Caucasians so that they feel bias towards none.

True, the White boy will be busy, but he prefers to be at work, considering the quality of his marriage with his wife, Comrade Ludmilla White, nee Khruschov.

The Ins and Outs of Artificial Intelligence in the HR Profession

 

If you have ever worked with me, it’s clear that Artificial Intelligence is an add-on, a scaffold and or a rudimentary primitive “app” when compared to the cunning of the HR lady. Yet fashion is fashion, so I acted in line with our core value. Which core value? Read on.

I have tested AI on three employees, Ms Axe the downsizer, Hugh White the straight white boy who manages DEI and Mr. Herr Krebbs, our German CFO.

Ms Axe is not exactly white trash, yet she is not the brightest bulb on the block. She actually told the 6 people that she was about to axe that “today, following the guidance of my boss, Ms Gloria, my skills are augmented by a robot that she programmed. “Du bist gefeuert! Scram”. The nerds who were fired spoke Hindi, Cantonese and Hebrew. I cannot begin to tell how stupid Axe can be. I have begun to think that Ms Cynthia Axe needs a coach.

Armed with an AI chat box, Hugh White gave his ok to hire 3 very white, US- based, English speaking customer service engineers for our US based clientele. One of the secrets that have made our service so successful is that we could always feign misunderstanding of what the customer wanted. All our service engineers were Thais or Japanese, at least until now.

Our CFO Mister Herr Krebbs was provided with an AI based app with a Viennese accent, i.e., pure and easy to understand German, except for the verb locations. Yet half an hour after reviewing our HR budget, he sent me an email that “mein cash flow eats dein perks for breakfast, Frauline Gloria. Choppy choppy your spending by 37% for Q3.”

I met CEO Stan on the executive elevator later in the day. I told than “Our AI plan is moving along in alignment with our core value of “Use Humans only when Needed.” ‘

"And where is the meat?”, asked Stan.

I told Stan that I have been a vegetarian for a week.

Upgrade of Digital Services provided by HR proves to be stunning success

As I stepped out of the executive elevator and walked into our canteen at lunch time to slum with the nerds, I was greeted with enthusiasm by all of the lads and most of the ladies.

A small podium had been set up so that I could address the mob and annouce the launch of our new digital HR service platform. Simultaneous translation was provided in 23 languages, and one translator was provided to restate what I was saying in a Scottish accent.

Things went better than expected. I would classify the reception of my speech as wow wow wow, that being 3 wows.

I told the nerds that in order to protect their privacy, each nerd will be provided with a user name and password issued by HR IT services. Each of the two has 12 letters (one Greek), one non numerical symbol, an accented French letter and a Danish overlapping letter, like OE, which in Danish is actually one letter. Cheers were heard all thru the cafeteria when I told them that we care about the privacy of their data.

Then I announced that the health insurance portal has been integrated into the HR IT digital portal. This allows dental x-raywork, colonoscopies and other procedures to be administered remotely. Some rude fellow asked me about the colonoscopy part, but I could not understand his comment, because I only speak French and English, as well as posssessing a deep knowledge of German grammar.

I got a standing ovation when I outlined the "You have been dismissed-get out of the building" button which appears on some nerds' screen after our quarterly financial reports. This button when pressed, provides a one stop station for a severance announcement, severance pay minus your debts to the company canteen and a service charge, and life-long subscription to our company newsletter called "The Joys of Life without Work, even if you have a mortgage and 4 kids" at a discounted price.

Finally, I announced that I will ease the transition into the new HR portal by a lottery. In one weeks time, I will draw a lottery for those early birds who joined our portal today and tomorrow. The prize is a bus-ticket to Detroit for a weekend, with a stay over a Day's Inn at a 30% discount. The nerds threw rice at me,a middle eastern tradition.

It was a grand day.

Transcorporality of our software products

 

                                                         Comrade Karl

 

Last week, a leading software magazine rated our last two products as sublime crap and unripe bananas. The article infuriated our CEO Stan, who often has anger management problems because of his diet, his wife, his banker and the quality of our software releases. Stan demanded that our Chief Nerd and Client Experience Officer, Comrade Karl Marks, present a road map "to extricate us from the fangs of this negative review".

Recently, Comrade Karl has been somewhat detached from his usual hands-on approach. 

Instead the Comrade has being floating above the worries of the nitty gritty of software development. His recent interests have included speaking to the various investors about the CEO’s limitations, Danish grammar, and Huge Data- AI styled. 

Nevertheless, the Comrade prepared a 'grand' presentation called 'What is to be done", in which he spelled out a road map to negate, castigate and eliminate the negative fallout from the recent press review of "our outstanding products, both of which are pearls". 

Here are a few pearls from Comrade Carl's presentation.

"One cannot judge a software product in and of itself. It must be evaluated in the context of the user, the economy, the Zeitgeist and the Gemeinschaftsgefühl of the user environment.”   

Our CFO,  Mister Herr Krebbs, asked Carl if he was sleeping during German lessons. Carl cursed Herr Krebbs in Russian (Zamochi, kibinimat). Then, the comrade continued.

"I believe that using software without a transcorporal mindset is worse than legal abortion, drug use and premarital sex in Iran. It is worse than legal activism. Worse than Brexit and far worse than Merkel's misjudging of Putin. Software and its user have no interface. We are all one; in essence, the Danes are not wrong". Carl wiped his brow and sat down, grinning like a gato, the Spanish word for cat.

Herr Krebbs passed me a note, "Fraulein Gloria, is ze Comrade taking Pervitin? It's illegal!" Stan sent me a text as well. "Does our medical and wellness plan cover this? What's this new thing about the Danes and transcorporality? Please handle this for me. Tak.

Ms Axe (Cynthia, our beloved right-sizing Czar), inquired if our downsized staff from 2002 and onwards can now be considered as “fully employed” in alignment with our new core value of “transcorporality”.

Adjusting per diems to account for Cost of Living Allowance

                                        Garnering Input

Our German-born CFO , Mister Herr Krebbs, suggested that we lower the per diem allowance for our customer service engineers who travel to client sites to repair our product. 

Looking very lugubrious, which is a word that many people don't know, Krebbs said, "ve neat to vake up unt smell ze Koffee-ve haf cash flow prrrroblems." 

Krebbs suggested that the per diem be cut from $70 a day to $50. "Zat vill safe uz a million dollars. Das is gut!"

CEO Stan, a democrat when feeling cornered, expressed that he wished to "garner" input from others. Garner is also not a word in common use, even less so than lugubrious. "Gloria, what's your cut on this?"

The gates of hell had been open for Mister Herr Krebbs as I delivered my homily.

"I think that Mister Herr Krebbs needs to learn a thing or two about cost savings from HR. It's my take that we can choppy chop chop the per diem down to far less. At the breakfast buffet, nerds can make themselves a sandwich for lunch. Furthermore and all the more so, they can adapt a business-friendly mindset  by taking very early morning flights where breakfast is served. I know that Air Canada, for example, serves breakfast on all flights that leave between 4 and 5 AM."

Catching my breath from excitement, I continued.

"Laundry expenses are personal expenses, not to be footed by the company. I know for a fact that some of our nerds don't change their socks every day. Just walk around the analog group on the 6th floor, or QA. And, I must say, taking a greyhound bus to and from the airport never hurt anyone; bus travel puts one in touch with the common man. One last point. I think Ryanair and Wizz Air are far more daily that Swiss, Singapore or Emirates."

This was followed by my coup de grace.

 "If we put and one and one together, we can bring down our per diem to $12 a day."

CFO Mister Herr Krebbs, always with the German love of detail said, "Fraulein Gloria. Vun and vun is 2"

CEO Stan asked me why I had used the term "daily", wondering if this was "a Canadian thing".