Sunday, 11 October 2020

Rolling out Plans for Mental Health Day


Comrade Carl Marks, our Chief Nerd, brought me up to speed about his plans for Mental Health Day.

"Gloria", Carl bellowed,"in Russia where I studied, mental illness was seen as ideological weakness. I am not sure that I disagree with this, and I will tell you why. Many of our clients have been emotionally sidelined with some of our newest software features. As a result, they have become depressed and obsessive -as a matter of fact-so much so that I am hiding in my dacha on Lake Placid with Olga, Svetlana, Natalie, Olga and Olga."

I was reminded that dacha is the Russian word for cottage.

"My dear Comrade Carl," I asked, 'What are your plans for mental health day?"

"Gloria, don't cut me short. I am not rambling, Show patience. Don't be a running dog of bourgeois expediency. I have invited our clients to a gathering in your backyard on the eve of Mental Health Day. Catering for 40 people will be sufficient. I have invited pharma companies to hand out OTH examples of the best drugs for Emotional Sideline-ism. Send the catering bill to CEO Stan. If the clients ruin your lawn, expense it. And prepare a few wise and cunning words to open the evening. In English. Perhaps you can invite one of your learned colleagues like that Spanish professor  to discuss Teletrabajo. Or else I can lecture on "The legacy of Lazar Kaganovich" for leaders of tomorrow. Spasiba". 

The comrade closed the phone on me.

                                                                    Lazar Kaganovitch

I called CEO Stan immediately, to see how we can wiggle out of the dilemma, in line with my key value of wiggling out of dilemmas. 

But Stan told me, "I butter your bread, Gloria so just listen to me.
One-what the fuck is a dacha? 
Two-Who was Kaganovitch? 
Tres-What is teletrabajo? 
Four-What's your plan to align Comrade Carl's medications? Tomorrow is Mental Health Day".


Friday, 25 September 2020

Guide to Working on site in Capsules to avoid spread of Corona Virus using brilliant Israeli artificial intelligence and common sense



No more teletrabajo. Tak

Comrade Carl Marks, our chef nerd, Head of Product Development and Head of User Experience, went directly to our CEO Stan to demand that we all return to work on site.  The comrade claimed that “with the new Russian vaccine having been administered, our nerds are as safe as a Russian spy in a safe house in London during the days of Kim Philby”. Stan noted that Comrade Carl uses strange metaphors when his meds are not balanced.

Comrade Carl suggested that “Gloria use an Israeli consulting service to plan the work capsules, because the Israelis have created a model that enables sheep to live in peace along with hungry wolves in the very same field”. CEO Stan had just read the morning news, said to the Comrade, “Carl do your own fucking job, not other peoples’ job. The Israelis handle corona like Zimbabwe manages their economy.”

Stan texted me (using WhatsApp) and told me that “your job is to get everyone back on site, in safe work capsules, by Monday morning. For a lady of your cunning, this should be no problem at all. After all, you wrap everything up in mumbo-jumbo like a modern day Houdini, who was a magician. By the way, I agree with Comrade Carl about his request to work on site. Just because of few Spanish academics push this teletrabajo fashion trend, we don’t behave like the Spaniards, for Christ sake. Since when have Americans imitated the Spanish? They eat supper at midnight!”

To be honest, there are very few problems that I cannot answer when I put on my thinking cap. You don’t need to speak fluent Greek in order to be creative. Or perfect German. English and French are Latin are good enough. 

Here are the outlines of our Work Capsule Program-

Workers whose family names start with any letter from A to P will work at the office on Sundays and Thursdays. Family names starting with Q to Z except for R will work on site on Tuesday and Fridays. The red bus line will be used by people whose first name starts with C D E F G H I or J.  The red shuttle line operates on Mondays. People from minority groups (Blacks, Asian, Jews, worldly Americans and White English-speaking engineers), will work on Wednesday and use the blue line, which has yet to be commissioned. Exception management will be handled by a hot line and eventually by a Swiss blockchain. You will get a phone code within a month. Anyone can pray in large groups within and between capsules even if they are coughing blood and pus.

I texted this policy to CEO Stan, mentioning by the by that I had consulted an Israeli expert with vast experience in solving complex problems. I did so in order to gain face validity, because Stan says that the Israelis are good at fighting wars. Stan answered me with a text quoting a Swiss philosopher, “this is not a war, for shit’s sake; it’s a virus. I am cancelling your valet parking”.

No more valet parking

Tuesday, 15 September 2020

Adapting HR wellness package to 2nd wave of the so called Corona Virus

Wifey, the brainy wife of CEO Stan, called this morning to tell me that in Spain, Holland and Denmark, wellness packages have been updated  to "state of the art" , adding, "there is no reason to make Stan look so bad during the so-called Corona virus. Update the wellness package Gloria, and Stan will find the budget. Don't worry about the financials".

I googled wellness and found out that Spaniards now have a 4 hour siesta; some don't go back to work after 1300, but just pretend to teletrabajo. In Denmark, there is a plan to abolish money altogether. And in Holland, blockchain nerds hug cows to calm themselves down, the cows being  rented out by the Ministry of Health and Agriculture to each HR manager.

Putting on my thinking cap, I put together a 3 pronged wellness plan, with each nerd eligible to one prong each, plus VAT minus 2.

Prong One- A picture of Miss Axe hugging a cow and free webinar on "The Liminal and the Subliminal".

Prong Two-A picture of Ms Axe hugging a cow, free hand gel and my new article "How to Fake Telebrabajo without a Blockchain".

Prong Three-A picture of Ms Axe hugging two cows and a 5 Euro loan, repayable within a week at 2% interest. Regulations may apply.

I sent this plan to Wifey by Whatsapp, text and email; Wifey reverted to me telling me that "if you want me to  tell Stan that you are an  "uber" HR lady, you need to "try again". 

Wednesday, 19 August 2020

Time to market, the Russian Corona Vaccine and Software Development

It has been a long time since our management team met face to face. Our CEO's wife, aka 'Wifey', had demanded from her husband Stan to run the business using 'teletrabajo', which appears to work 'not only for the Latins, but all over the world'. And as a result, we had not met for months.

In our last management Zoom call, when CEO Stan noticed that Comrade Carl was in the bathtub reading The Russian Blockchain, I was having a pedicure and CFO Mister Herr Krebbs was reading S├╝ddeutsche Zeitung, he finally put his foot down and invited us to his home for a face to face meeting. 'Gloria', he said,'order in a pizza and diet cokes for the boys and you'.

Comrade Carl arrived at the meeting wearing an elaborate robe which he had ordered online from an Arabian country. Or maybe Indonesia. He was smoking a Cuban cigar and totally barefoot. Carl asked to be the first to speak. CEO Stan agreed because he did not want CFO Krebbs to 'depress us with his negative view of cash flow'.

'I have good news this time, Comrades',stated Carl.

Stan told Carl to 'cease and desist from using Russian nomenclature'. 

So the Comrade continued, 'alsayidat walssada, I bear good tidings. Comrade Putin has given us all a fast-track corona vaccine, whilst all the running dogs of capitalism are struggling to deal with FDA regulations, which don't serve the interest of the common man.'

Stan looked my way, and ask me if 'Carl needs time off'. I promised to revert to him in a timely fashion.

The comrade continued: 'Our latest software release is also ready for the market. Our clients have asked for intense FDA-like testing and capacity testing, in order to impress the regulator. Kibinimat, this is plot to keep our company in poverty. Look at Krebbs who is shitting himself because of the pressures from the banks. I say, let's release our software now, rake in the revenue, and hope for the best'.

I was impressed, but not only up to a point. It's always better to be a centrist that have an opinion,if you ask me.

'Gloria, what do you have to say about the mental health of the team in general, and Comrade Carl in particular?'

I noted that labour costs were low and could be driven down lower, if need be, by demanding more intrinsic motivation. So there was no need to hurry, from a speed perspective.

Stan replied-'Thank you young lady for keeping options open. The pizza has arrived; please take it from the delivery boy, tip him, and divide it up. Wellness, after all, is your job'.

Wednesday, 5 August 2020

Back to work, thanks to the new Russian vaccine

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd and masterful product architect, has been managing our Engineering Department by Zoom. The comrade claims that 'product quality has never been been better' even though the product has only been used by one internal user, whose identity is unknown. 

Carl has even been referring to himself as Senor Teletrabajo Numero Uno. The comrade regards Spanish as the language of remote work, in the same way as he regards Danish as the language of bliss, and French as a language that used to appear in passports.

Carl often bragged that he and his nerds had mastered all the skills for managing remotely: wearing dirty sandals and unkempt shorts, mastering bladder control, speak 7 languages (none of them English), hiring and firing by whatsapp and telling family members to shut up during meals if a concall is in progress.

'Nevertheless, this having been said, and all things being considered' said the Comrade, 'this era of working from home needs to end. Now that the Russians have a proven vaccine for Corona, I suggest we inject all our nerds with the new serum, and avanti popolo.'

I immediately agreed to check this idea out with our CEO Stan, who is working from home under supervision of Wifey, who tasks Stan with helping her with various household chores. If you ask me, Stan wants to return to the office more than anyone else, except me. Stan was to escape Wifey whilst I want to escape from having too much time to think.

Upon hearing about Comrade Carl's proposal, CEO Stan asked me if Carl's 5 medications are balanced. Then Stan added, 'a Russian vaccine? Is the Comrade out of his fucking mind? Gloria, take care of this. Wellness is an HR issue!'

I texted Carl by Whatsapp after having spoken with CEO Stan; here is a copy of the conversation.

Gloria-Stan expressed enthusiasm about your proposal, seasoned with a few reservations. He thinks you are agile, global and sustainable.

Comrade Carl-Kibinimat, stop that HR speak. Which side are you on Gloria?

Gloria-Comrade, would you take the Russian vaccine? Would you suggest that your life partner take it. Come clean, Carl.

Comrade Carl- Gloria, yob tvia mat. I took 3 of these Russian injections, and my life partner is none of your business, Btw, we split yesterday when I offered her to administer an injection, gratis.

Gloria-I'll get back to you, Comrade.My sister just texted me. 

Rolling out Plans for Mental Health Day

  Comrade Carl Marks, our Chief Nerd, brought me up to speed about his plans for Mental Health Day. "Gloria", Carl bellowed,"...

Glo at her best