Fighting off an acquisition

Truth as an alternative

Truth be told (which sometimes is an alternative), I have been busier than a one armed paper hanger. True, I did take a short vacation in the United Arab Emirates where I obeyed most of the local customs, but my main task has been fighting off an unwanted acquisition. 

There is little (no) reason to believe that anyone was interested in our product suite; my guess is that they wanted to acquire us because of our HR department achievements of 1) "cost effective labour force" and 2) our capability recruitment of migrant immigrants with talent at sea.

In secret talks, I offered my services to the acquiring company for a price tag (discrete-but does include a Samsung 23 Ultra, first class on Emirates and a Tesla) but they were constrained by their core values of full transparency, which seems to me pretty dumb. 

In order to fight off the acquisition, I arranged a meeting between our chief nerd Comrade Karl Marks and Miss Cynthia Axe our downsizer.

                             Engineering and Organized Crime

Comrade Karl spoke with a heavy Russian accent about our clients' myopic biases in assessing our innovative product. The comrade is not Russian, but he was a communist in his youth; he studied Engineering and Organized Crime in Moscow. The meeting between the comrade and the prospective owners can be described non-wow. Karl said that "since our clients' staff  implemented working from home one day a week, our 'pustemah clients' are disconnected from reality and scorn our product's unique value add; which is an undiscovered pearl".

Miss Axe focused on her business partnership approach during downsizing season, and furthermore suggested that the acquiring company speak to our Finance director, Mister Herr Krebbs. Axe: "Krebbs has a real German accent and you'll get tons of details, but at least it's a real accent. Comrade Karl is a basket case".

                              Cynthia Axe: Tis the season to be jolly

Mister Herr Krebbs was in a quandary. On one hand, he wanted to spill the beans to protect his own Arsch after the deal is signed. On the other hand, Krebbs is loyal, which may or may not be a good thing. Herr Krebbs did however disclose one thing: "ve haf no Kash in ze Bank". Krebbs always uses capital letters when he writes Bank.

CEO Stan demanded that I meet with the acquiring company to "blow up the fucking deal immediately or I will send you back to Canada, to freeze your white ass off". 

So, I set up a meeting with our Diversity Project Manager, Hugh White, and met with their CEO about "factoring in diversity". Hugh went on and on, and when we woke up, we were outside, lying on the sidewalk, near a newspaper stand where the economic headline read: 

Major Deal Off.

Dipping into my Mailbox to answer readers questions

What is your cut on Artificial Intelligence?

First of all, it's very artificial. That having been said, I ask you all-is this AI "politically equipped" to handle politics like a seasoned HR lady? Heavens no. Thus, AI is both artificial and not intelligent, in a practical sense. Sound abysmal to me.

What do you think about working from home? Do you ever work from home? Do you have a home?

Working from home is akin to getting herpes, shingles or meningitis. Working from home is as productive as looking for a transgender toilet in an Iran mosque. Naturally, I do not work from home, except for my 3 am email check, finishing off a few tasks while taking a bath and sending out corporate communication whilst eating breakfast.

What about Diversity? How diverse is your company? Any tips for Diversity champions?

Diversity is very nice. I like it. Our company is as diverse as the Tower of Babel, which was mentioned in the Bible. I have not read the Bible, but I saw the movie. My diversity tip of the week is to hire staff that speak half decent English. If not, it can be pretty tiresome. Have you ever read an email from Japan, where it appears that English profinciency is rarer than the same Teheran-based transgender toilet, mentioned above?

What is the key to keeping people motivated?

Hire poor immigrants. If possible, safeguard their passports. Furthermore, give them some old time religion, like oft-repeated mission statements, skills for personal branding and free rides on the company blockchain.

Streamlining Performance Evaluation

Performance Evaluation can be a valuable tool in the same way that prolonged constipation can be an asset. Which means what it means.

This having been said, I have figured out how to get the maximum "bang for the buck" from the Performance Evaluation cycle, which we schedule each year just before summer break. I have maintained, and I continue to maintain, that just before summer break is a very good time to have these discussions, before each nerd's spouse poisons their mind about the work place over vacation time.

Our Performance Evaluation talks have 3 goals, in line with our core value of keeping things simple.

1) Prevent expectations  vis a vis (French) salary hikes.

2) Point out critical weaknesses which must be improved in the very near future.

3) Make the nerd feel more engaged, notwithstanding the aforementioned goals.

This year, several improvements have been introduced, in line with our core value of "constant improvement of the HR experience". 

AI will be interviewing the top percentile of high performers to ensure full control of the dialogue. I personally have coded the bot.

Miss Axe (Cynthia) our downsizer will wear pink and yellow when she speaks with the nerds at the bottom of the pecking order.

Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs DEI, will speak with non Christians and non Caucasians so that they feel bias towards none.

True, the White boy will be busy, but he prefers to be at work, considering the quality of his marriage with his wife, Comrade Ludmilla White, nee Khruschov.

The Ins and Outs of Artificial Intelligence in the HR Profession

 

If you have ever worked with me, it’s clear that Artificial Intelligence is an add-on, a scaffold and or a rudimentary primitive “app” when compared to the cunning of the HR lady. Yet fashion is fashion, so I acted in line with our core value. Which core value? Read on.

I have tested AI on three employees, Ms Axe the downsizer, Hugh White the straight white boy who manages DEI and Mr. Herr Krebbs, our German CFO.

Ms Axe is not exactly white trash, yet she is not the brightest bulb on the block. She actually told the 6 people that she was about to axe that “today, following the guidance of my boss, Ms Gloria, my skills are augmented by a robot that she programmed. “Du bist gefeuert! Scram”. The nerds who were fired spoke Hindi, Cantonese and Hebrew. I cannot begin to tell how stupid Axe can be. I have begun to think that Ms Cynthia Axe needs a coach.

Armed with an AI chat box, Hugh White gave his ok to hire 3 very white, US- based, English speaking customer service engineers for our US based clientele. One of the secrets that have made our service so successful is that we could always feign misunderstanding of what the customer wanted. All our service engineers were Thais or Japanese, at least until now.

Our CFO Mister Herr Krebbs was provided with an AI based app with a Viennese accent, i.e., pure and easy to understand German, except for the verb locations. Yet half an hour after reviewing our HR budget, he sent me an email that “mein cash flow eats dein perks for breakfast, Frauline Gloria. Choppy choppy your spending by 37% for Q3.”

I met CEO Stan on the executive elevator later in the day. I told than “Our AI plan is moving along in alignment with our core value of “Use Humans only when Needed.” ‘

"And where is the meat?”, asked Stan.

I told Stan that I have been a vegetarian for a week.

Upgrade of Digital Services provided by HR proves to be stunning success

As I stepped out of the executive elevator and walked into our canteen at lunch time to slum with the nerds, I was greeted with enthusiasm by all of the lads and most of the ladies.

A small podium had been set up so that I could address the mob and annouce the launch of our new digital HR service platform. Simultaneous translation was provided in 23 languages, and one translator was provided to restate what I was saying in a Scottish accent.

Things went better than expected. I would classify the reception of my speech as wow wow wow, that being 3 wows.

I told the nerds that in order to protect their privacy, each nerd will be provided with a user name and password issued by HR IT services. Each of the two has 12 letters (one Greek), one non numerical symbol, an accented French letter and a Danish overlapping letter, like OE, which in Danish is actually one letter. Cheers were heard all thru the cafeteria when I told them that we care about the privacy of their data.

Then I announced that the health insurance portal has been integrated into the HR IT digital portal. This allows dental x-raywork, colonoscopies and other procedures to be administered remotely. Some rude fellow asked me about the colonoscopy part, but I could not understand his comment, because I only speak French and English, as well as posssessing a deep knowledge of German grammar.

I got a standing ovation when I outlined the "You have been dismissed-get out of the building" button which appears on some nerds' screen after our quarterly financial reports. This button when pressed, provides a one stop station for a severance announcement, severance pay minus your debts to the company canteen and a service charge, and life-long subscription to our company newsletter called "The Joys of Life without Work, even if you have a mortgage and 4 kids" at a discounted price.

Finally, I announced that I will ease the transition into the new HR portal by a lottery. In one weeks time, I will draw a lottery for those early birds who joined our portal today and tomorrow. The prize is a bus-ticket to Detroit for a weekend, with a stay over a Day's Inn at a 30% discount. The nerds threw rice at me,a middle eastern tradition.

It was a grand day.