Friday, 8 January 2021

Corona vaccine inoculation in a diversity friendly manner by the First Lady of HR




White 
 
Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, walked into the office this morning with his tucker bag, which is Australian word for duffle bag. The Australians swear a lot and tend to be down to earth, according to Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs our Diversity Programme.

The comrade emptied the tucker bag on the table in the lobby and lo and behold, out fell vaccines all encased in ice. There was the posh British vaccine, the Pfizer vaccine with the P that is not pronounced, the Russian Sputnik vaccine with the picture of a bear on all vials, and the Moderna vaccine, which the Europeans oked after thousands of minks called in ill somewhere in Scandinavia.

"Comrades", yelled Carl on his megaphone, "come down to the lobby to get the vaccine, kibinimat. We need to get life back to normal. We have been living like shit for too long. Workers -unite, get vaccinated, and we can overthrow the running dogs who inflicted this plague on us, and extract revenge  by releasing new software".

Hugh White was sitting in his small, cramped cubicle reading a book entitled "Inoculation and Diversity". Hugh reads state of the art literature, making himself all the more nerdish and irrelevant. Yet, he does keep us diversity compliant, which is the only reason he still brings his salary home (to be delivered to his wife, Ludmilla White, nee Khrushchev).

Hugh ran into my office alarmed. "Gloria, stop the Comrade now! We will be sued. His inoculation programme is not complaint. When I hear the word "sued", I start to listen. Life is not easy for a boy named Sue.

Hugh gave me his "white paper", which was actually on black stationery, and I read it quickly,  skimming thru it as if was a message on a dating site I use. I then galloped down to the lobby, and ordered Comrade Carl to cease and desist "until we can align this inoculation programme with diversity in a timely fashion".

Trotting back to office, I gave Hugh White the ok to send off the following email to the all-list.

"In accordance with HR's core value of People First and Profit Second, we will begin inoculation against the so called corona virus today. 

C level executives will be inoculated in their offices with the vaccine of their choice. 

Those wishing to get vaccinated in their thigh or bum are asked to wait discretely in the lobby at 6 PM. 

People of color including various shades of off-white, will not get the Russian vaccine, unless the opt for it.  

People with various disabilities can, at their convenience, meet with Hugh White, to arrange a vaccine aligned with their needs; kindly bring a class B diversity-certificate in English signed by a notary in order that you get preferential treatment ".

Hugh White-White.

Sometimes, I must admit, I am proud not only to be a thought leader, but also a lady of action and praxis. Oui. 


                                                                   On the vials 


 





 

Friday, 1 January 2021

Unintentional Learning-the great gift of 2021


 


                                          Prof Ramsbottom and Ms Axe (Cynthia) 

Miss Cynthia Axe scored  two strikes within 3 seconds. She entered the executive elevator, without a mask-only to encounter CEO Stan who was already on the lift having parked his Mercedes in the underground parking lot.

About five minutes after this event, a certain Hugh White, the straight white boy who manages our Diversity and Inclusion Program, also erred, which is a nice way of saying that he fucked up big time. Hugh had sent out a survey with the follow questions to our nerds:

1)      Would you favour that our lunch room ban meat that has been slaughtered with Halal or Kosher style?

2)      Should ladies (or men) wearing a burqa also be asked to wear a facemask?

Hugh and Ms Axe were in my office at 10.00 am for our action-packed morning meeting. At that point, I was unaware of what had transpired. At 10.01, one minute after the start of our meeting, I got a call from CEO. I answered on my landline speaker phone, so that Axe and White could hear the close business partner that I have  cultivated with our chief executive officer.

“Gloria, I am about to deport you back to Canada, where you’ll freeze your white ass off. That dumb cow Axe wasn’t wearing her mask today when I encountered her in the God damn executive elevator. Jesus Christ Gloria, was she using your ID pass to gain access? Two minutes later, I looked at that survey that that bumbling fool of yours, that total idiot, Huge White issued! What the fuck is this all about? Why do you pay him a salary? Why are we asking for trouble? Get your fucking act together. Shake a leg and fix this pronto. Now!”

Axe (Cynthia) immediately had a hissy fit and Hugh White started to cry, fearing that he would need to spend more time at home with his tender wife, Ludmilla Khrushchev-White. One may ask, "what is the take away of this incident". Elementary, my dear Reader. Unintentional learning happens all the time, and when you least suspect it. Daily, if needed. Even in Denmark; valid except in Nebraska.




Saturday, 26 December 2020

Hugh White coaches CEO Stan on Gender Pronouns for her New Years' Address

Hugh White on Gender


CEO Stan in a rare moment of honesty admitted that "human interaction in our company is shit ever since corona hit us; this pandemic is worse than our software".  

I was not surprised to learn of Stan's pessimism. The Board has banned all executive travel in first class , eliminated Stan's bonus, and "put my cajones in a clamp", to quote Stan himself, in her, no his, very own words. One of those words appears to be non-English.

Stan asked me to write a message to all the nerds for the new year, whether or not they celebrated the new year or not. Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs Diversity, told me that it is "counter culture" to assume that such a message would be appreciated. Hugh added, "Ms Gloria, Stan should at least be more cognizant of gender pronouns. She is very politically incorrect and this can be very insulting".

Sadly, Hugh's warning reached Stan's mailbox; she was furious. No, he was furious. I am getting confused. I told Hugh to desist and refrain from jumping overboard, as often happens, bombarding us with nonsense. Us meaning them, or us. I am not sure.

Hugh contacted her wife Ludmilla, who told Hugh not to get fired because they have no money, they being Hugh and her wife Ludmilla. No, Hugh and his wife Ludmilla. Again I am confused.

But Hugh couldn't control himself. That evening, Hugh (m) wrote an email to Stan (m).


Dear Stan,

Gender pronouns must be used appropriately. Otherwise, you may be labelled as bigoted, anti-Black, anti Semitic, Corbynist, and a running dog of the American imperialism.

Gloria is a great HR manager; help him succeed even more by using proper english, with a small e.

Tak,

Hugh White

PS You cannot fire me. I have pictures of you and Mr Cynthia Axe.

An Unknown Russian 





Saturday, 5 December 2020

Administering the vaccines to the nerds and management

 



Hi Gloria

It’s time to get all my nerds back in the office, kibinimat. They have developed some nasty habits at home, such as eating 3 meals a day, listening to their wives / and or significant other, and multi-tasking during the meetings that I run, whilst looking for jobs as "blockchain repairmen".

I have procured 600 vaccines on the black market; 500 Russian vaccines, two posh British vaccines as well as 48 Moderna and Pfizer jabs. I have also contacted and contracted with 2 fledshers from the former Red Army to administer these vaccines.

All I need you to do is to do the logistics, which is what HR is all about, if you ask me. We, meaning I, need refrigerators to store these vaccines, insurance for those taking the Russian vaccine, an enforcement policy to ensure compliance (another core competency of HR) as well as a PR campaign, the very essence of HR.

Before I wrote this email, I called out on CEO Stan to agree to my plan, and you can be assured that whilst you maintain your seat at the table, you need to do what you are told. Spasiba.

I am awaiting your reply. By the way, I saw Ms Axe (Cynthia) at the chemists and I think she gained 2 stone, all in her bum. But ignore this “aside” if you get my drift, and there is a drift to get.

Have you been following the mink issue in Denmark? It had appeared that the world was coming to an end. Even the minks which were buried resurfaced because they weren’t buried deep enough.  Russia is probably better run than Scandinavia, it appears.

Comrade Carl Marks, Chief Nerd and System Architect; PhD, Russian Politechnique.

 



 

My dear Tovarish Comrade Carl,

As you know, I am here to serve. And so I shall proceed, in a timely fashion, to support you in your virile efforts to get things back on track.

The refrigerators for the vaccine are being manufactured in a factory in Mongolia, and I need a detailed technical description of our exact requirements  for the manufacturer in the Mongolian language. The manufacturer also needs  agile software support to get approval for the export of these refrigerators to us (since we are not a government agency); the fridges  will be routed thru the Ukraine once they get our specs.  Please assist them by so doing. It shouldn't take long.

The Russian vaccine can be administered in our parking lot, assuming “one” can get an ok to put the refrigerators there. I am not that “one”, by the way, just in case you were thinking. Our law firm, whom you chose, which is located in Russia, will take care of this.

I will have the British vaccine, which apparently cannot harm a fly. The second British vaccine will be administered to Wifey, CEO Stan’s better half.

The other vaccines can be given out to the nerds in a random fashion, and I have asked the white heterosexual boy who runs Diversity, Hugh White, to make sure no one is discriminated against, not even black ladies, white men, or descendants of the first nation, which sounds so good.

I did know about Denmark, which alas, is no longer very Danish, so it appears.

Prof Dr Gloria van Ramsbottom, PhD (4); Esquire. Senior VP 

HR and Warm Data Gatekeeper.

Tuesday, 24 November 2020

New menu of HR Services, blockchain and telebrajo friendly with Danish standards




Never the one to shun innovation (or diversity), I ate at a new Chinese restaurant which opened a take away service, due to the so-called Covid virus, which has been ruining my life for almost a year. 

I sent my footman Jean-Marie to bring me supper at 6 pm. Not midnight. I am not Spanish.

Jean Marie sent me the menu by Whatsapp, and I chose between the various columns what turned out to be a very sumptuous albeit ethnic meal.

And that got the me thinking about how I could refresh the look and feel of our service offering. 

Thus I created  3 columns, and each nerd who wants basic service can choose one item from each column, whilst nerds who want to get the full whammy get to choose 2 items per column, minus tax and a service fee.

Lookie lookie.


Column A

Low salary

Very low salary and bonus

Feeling of Engagement


Column B

Blockchain (2nd hand)

Warm data

Liminality (2 doses from Scotland within 3 weeks)


Column C

Letter of recommendation signed by me

Letter of recommended signed by CEO Stan

Wellness program based on Danish standards


Column D

Teletrabajo 3 days a week

Teletrabajo 5 days a week

Working from the office with a face mask, gloves, a hat and boots











 

Corona vaccine inoculation in a diversity friendly manner by the First Lady of HR

White    Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, walked into the office this morning with his tucker bag, which is Australian word for duffle ba...

Glo at her best