Tuesday, 26 May 2020

Tele-medicine insurance coverage and the HR lady

Tele-medicine and my career

One of the better achievements from the corona period was the introduction of tele-medicine policy for our staff, nerds and senior management alike.

The policy is an enabling platform for user-friendly delivery of health solutions via Skype and Whatsapp. 
The tele-clinic is staffed by skilled "feldshers" from the former Red Army. Most of these feldshers speak some English, and all of them speak Russian, I have been told.

In today's management meeting, I received lots of positive feedback, as well as some non-positive feedback. 
I listened closely, because feigned  intimacy is a critical success factor of the senior HR manager.  

CEO Stan, who suffers from hemorrhoids, told me that tele-medicine is "the most stupid fucking thing you ever did, Ramsbottom. If you were not so good at right-sizing, you'd be out on your cold Canadian ass".

CFO Mister Herr Krebbs, who is a swimmer, migrated from swimming to walking and developed a sweat-related rash "somewhere". Herr Krebbs said that the tele-clinic is a Stück Scheiße.

Comrade Carl Marks had to have a tooth pulled, and the feldsher instructed Carl's lady -friend which pliers to use in order to have the comrade extract his own impacted tooth.

After I heard this feedback, I noted the pecuniary benefits of tele-medical plan, trying to provide appropriate context for HR decision making in a financially challenged environment.

CEO Stan, who was standing during the entire meeting, took off his shoe and threw it at me, missing me and hitting Comrade Carl in his swollen jaw. Stan suggested that "within ten seconds, cancel the contract. Ten, nine, eight...".

Always close to my customers, I moved even closer and revoked the service, in a timely fashion.

Swollen Jaw

Saturday, 23 May 2020

New recruitment strategies -post corona

Ms Axe ( right) and I

I summoned a certain Ms Axe (Cynthia), our down-sizer, to a face to face meeting dedicated to formulating a new recruitment strategy for our firm  in the post corona era. Ms Axe appeared vigorous, youthful and plump.

I had planned to solicit her input until she threw out an idea or two, and then I reverted to telling her what to do. Soliciting input from lackeys makes sense, perhaps, but I guess that Ms Axe is an exception.

During the so called corona virus scare, we sent 80 % of our nerds home, on furlough, and signed them all off on a `voluntary donation contract` where each nerd agreed to keep on working, in exchange for getting his or her passport back, and one meal a week on the day of his or her choice. The nerds also decided to forgo all perks in the spirit `community and awareness that we are all in this together.`

With growing demand for our new product and the disappearance of corona from the evening news, we need to get back to real work. Teletrabajo, as it is called in Spain, is really a lot of bologna, if you ask me.

As such, we have started recruiting nerds with the goal of leveraging the environmental changes to get more bang for the buck, if that makes sense.

As on June 1st, furlough is finito. The `voluntary donation contract` expires November 1st, but we will provide free lunches and coffee until then.

New recruits will pay a mere $78 dollars for an employment interview, to be refunded after 6 years on the job and or added to our severance bonus.

Medical care will be reinstated via a tele-medicine expert, who also pulls teeth remotely, or for more accuracy, helps you or your partner pull your own teeth.

All nerds will be charged a $50 a week management fee, to cover the cost of managing their incompetence.

I know that some of my readers may think I have been over-indulgent, but if you think about it, being fair often pays off, especially on social media.


Thursday, 7 May 2020

What is the new normal?

Comrade Carl on the new normal

"What is the new normal?" was a question that I posed to our core senior management team, of which I am a senior member.

The jaws of the members of the team dropped, stunned by the power of the query.

Yet I should have known better. Chief Nerd Comrade Carl Marks jumped to his feet, whilst nearly foaming at the mouth. "Great question, baby", as he motioned to me to sit down and picked up his megaphone. 

Carl continued, "we are entering into the age of autonomy. Every Sanjay, Matan and Hsu are working from home, far away from the claws of HR and other policing functions. The nerds are self controlling; R&D Engineering is self controlling. We are now writing pure code, detached from the needs concocted by Sales or by finicky clients. We are self governing. That is the new normal. If anyone does not like it, they can stuff it. Spasiba."

"Jesus, Carl, I don't fucking like it, said CEO Stan. "And you won't like it if I fire you, you weirdo. You and your damned eccentricities! The board thinks I'm a moron for not firing you. They think you work for our competitors."

I sent an sms to CEO Stan to remind that that the Board is chaired by Boris Shostakovitch who studied in Russia with Comrade Carl. Stan winked at me and whispered, "thanks, I forgot ".

Comrade Carl looked Stan straight in the eye and said, "Boss, you are the one that loves America. The federal government, that's you, and the state, that me, always have had conflicts of interests. You are running after the dollar, and I am pursuing perfection. That's ideal. "Don't you agree, Gloria", he said, turning his head to me.

I had been texting my sister and had lost the drift of the conversation. Intuitively I replied, "that's the new normal, is it not?"

Our German CFO, Mister Herr Krebbs, suddenly said, "Ich bin sehr besorgt".  

CEO Stan starred into the abyss, and he dismissed the meeting.

He doesn't like it

Saturday, 2 May 2020

May First Celebrations and the HR Lady

People could have been my middle name

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, insisted that all of our nerds come into the office for May Day. "Many peasants and kulaks died for the revolution, so fear of getting a cough is no excuse for not coming into the office to celebrate", he wrote in his email invitation to his staff. Appealing to the nerds motivation, Comrade Carl insisted that "no-shows will walk the plank, assisted by the HR lady on duty".

Comrade Carl held his May Day celebratory meeting in the Kim Buck Room, aka the Josef Stalin Hall. Carl wore a red shirt, a red pair of shorts, red running shoes and a red bandana. As his nerds entered the room, they were handed a hard copy of "El Mundo Obrero" and a picture of Comrade-in-arms, the right honourable Lazar Kaganovitch, whom Carl referred to as the Cynthia Axe of the Soviet Union.

Predecessor to Ms Axe
Comrade Kaganovitch

Comrade Carl gave a speech in which he stated that "if software had existed in the hay day on the Soviet Union, clients would take whatever releases was distributed to them. No one would beef about a glitch here and there. And nerds would have a politruk (political envoy)  that would represent their interests on the management teams, not like the treacherous ladies of HR. Perhaps Gloria would be sent to a gulag for re-education. Or CEO Stan would be hanged. Who the fuck could have known how the fall of the Soviet Union would turn us all into slaves of the landed gentry and piggish capitalism? Let's drink to the life of the working man, and woman, or what have you. Viva las Vegas".

Carl asked me if I would like to address the crowd of nerds, who were yelling "death to HR; death to the finicky client, and long live Comrade Carl Marks".

I declined, politely, remembering Dad's advice never to stick out my neck too long.

I did know who Kim Buck was. Dad used to tell me that "if that's what Buck  thinks, he should get his ass over to Russia, and starve to death".


Friday, 24 April 2020

Herd Immunity for Software Product Bugs and Craving for Salaries

Preparation H

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, suggested today in our Core Team Management Meaning conducted by Zoom, that the corona virus presents an opportunity to develop herd immunity for clients which have purchased “products with certain childhood illnesses, like the common cold”.

CEO Stan, whose ranting wife could be heard in the background because Stan had urinated without putting up the toilet seat, asked Carl “what the fuck do you mean, Comrade Carl”?

The comrade presented us with warm data, big data and mid-sized data. “If 32% of our clients use our software without complaining, than the rest of the market will develop herd immunity and thus, many of our bugs will be re-positioned as strategic assets”. 
Comrade Carl added, “I have a Russian friend who can plan and execute  this entire process; in the past, he worked a Deception Engineer for the Russian Ministry of Railway and Bridges.”

CEO Stan texted me, asking me if Carl’s medications are balanced. I replied to the affirmative, emphasizing that Xanax has been added to “balance the Comrades’ mood swings”. Stan told me to “switch his shrink, for Christs’ sake; Carl is as nutty as a fruit cake”.

Comrade Carl continued. “Herd immunity is a strategic asset for firms with cutting edge software. That’s clear for anyone with half a brain.” Stan retorted, “Carl, treat your colleagues with respect, or I’ll deport you to Russia. Behave”.

Stan stole the term “behave” from me, but I won’t quibble.

After the meeting, Stan called me on Whatsapp. A huge jar of Preparation H was open on a table next to his chair, and he appeared uncomfortable sitting down.  “Gloria, develop a plan for herd immunity to the need for salaries. Pronto. Shake a leg”.

Stan also stole the expression “shake a leg” from me.

I shall shake a leg

Tele-medicine insurance coverage and the HR lady

Tele-medicine and my career One of the better achievements from the corona period was the introduction of tele-medicine policy for o...

Glo at her best