What happens when no one speaks English

Mais oui-I am so popular

Just a few days before the release of our new product, I walked into Comrade Carl Marks office our R&D Executive Senior VP.

The arrogant Comrade Carl  sat in his room sipping some cognac during a consultation with 2 engineers. One was a (lily White) engineer from the southern tip of Africa named Rene de Villiers and the second was Thiri  (from "somewhere" in Asia), an employee with one name only, whom our ERP HR module registered as a "thing".

Thiri speaks some English (79% is incomprehensible) while old de Villers speaks a weird brand of English where the letter E has disappeared...as in "lits have brikfast". 

Thiri and de Villiers came to Comrade Carl because they did not understand one another. Comrade Carl understands everyone. That's because no one in Engineering speaks real English.

Comrade Carl refused to discuss the engineering problem that de Villiers and Thiri had surfaced. Instead he asked me; "is there any reason R&D should not manage HR, Supply Chain, and Finance"?

Comrade Carl, who appears to have forget his medicines this morning suddenly yelled out, "I am sick and tired of kissing the ass of that bitch Ramsbottom to get more money for bonuses. HR- Pizduk!"

Now Thiri and de Villiers were in a bind...to support me or Comrade Carl.

Instead of supporting Comrade Carl, they walked out as he ranted on. Why did I get this unexpected passive support from the nerds?

• Thiri still cannot get a salary because our ERP only recognizes people with more than one name; each month, I register Thiri as "Thiri Ramsbottom" and I transfer his salary to him.

• De Villiers needs my services because Hugh White, that idiotic white heterosexual from Diversity, claims that de Villiers lacks aid entitlement for relocating from Africa because "you do not look African, de Villiers". 

Some non-wow "non minor" issues with ERP HR implementation

Implementation of ERP HR is worse than a migraine

To: Gloria, SVP HR

From: Hugh White, Diversity

Gloria,

How do I do data entry for Thiri, our employee with one name? 

If we don't find a way, we cannot pay him/her. YOU will find yourself in court. As a Canadian, you can be deported.

Hugh

.....

To: Gloria, SVP HR

From: CEO Stan

CC: Chairman Ed

Gloria,

Speed up ERP HR implementation. Why are you dragging your feet, young lady? Just get it done.

Stan

.....

To: Carl Marks, VP R&D

From: Cynthia Axe, Early Bird Retirement

CC: Gloria Ramsbottom, EVP HR

CC: CEO Stan

Comrade Carl,

1)Does Anatoli spell his name with an I or a Y.

2) Is Jie a male or a female? Is this name with or without an E. I can see a Ji and Jie. Same person?

3) Is Scotland in Europe?

4) Is Yves a male? 

5) How do I enter the accents on some of the European names?

6) Is Claude a female?

7) How do I enter Ania from Warsaw into the data base; her last name has 48 letters? (You told me once that Warsaw is in Europe)

8) Maria from Spain has 8 last names. Which one do i use? She demands we use all names, and she is supported by that weirdo Hugh White from Diversity, (who appears to have the hots for Chairman Ed's new secretary.)

C Axe

.....

To: Gloria, EVP HR

From: Cynthia Axe, Early Bird Retirement

Gloria,

I have so many "fields" to fill out that I can only fire one person a day. Yesterday, I thought I had fired two people, but when I pressed "enter", they were promoted to VP, and each got a new Blackberry Q 30.

C Axe

.....

To: Gloria, EVP HR

From: Winston Wu (external)

CC: Stan, Chairman Ed, all directors
Ms Ramsbottom-Lemieux,

You are failing in ERP HR implementation. Do you want me to "lend you a helping hand"?

Dr. Winston Wu

ERP Coordinator

Wu & Sons

.....

To: Winston Wu

From: Gloria SVP HR

CC: all +directors

My Dear Winston Wu,

Thanks for your patience. A certain Ms Cynthia Axe and (heterosexual Diversity chief) Hugh White are a bit negligent. I will put them on corrective action.

All will be "even better" in 24 hours.

Gloria

3 easy steps to ERP implementation-HR Module

Winston and I will work hand in hand-simple as pie!

Mais oui.

Chairman Ed Montpetit-Maplewood has pushed very hard to have ERP software introduced this year.  Ed explained: "I wanna know what the f--k is going on! I want a sky high mountain of big data."

CEO Stan, still struggling to use his Blackberry Passport, was less enthusiastic about introducing ERP. 

Chairman Ed insisted telling Stan to "choose which ever vendor you are comfortable with". 

Stan acquiesced; Winston Wu was hired as the implementation contractor.

Veteran readers may know that the venerable Mr Winston Wu was the Head of IT at our company, and Wu's relationship with HR manager Gloria Ramsbottom was stormy due to ownership issues of Big Data. 

Wu resigned 7 months ago due to a scuffle with EVP HR, c'est mois, and now, he is "back in town". Malheureusement-that's French.

In his ERP for HR presentation to my HR team, Wu described the HR ERP modules in a 90 minute presentation. Wu enjoyed "some" participant engagement. However,

1. I had an urgent issue to deal with so I was texting Stan's wife. 
2. Down-sizer Cynthia Axe has had a fallout on financial issues with her father (the Reverend Oliver Axe) and was "less than focused". 
3. Hugh White, from Diversity, was reading a book on his Blackberry called "Coughing at Work".

The right honourable Winston Wu promised "near seamless" integration of the HR software, providing that someone assumes ownership.

Wu asked me who will be the HR program manager for ERP and I asked what was entailed. 

When I heard the details, I gave the role to Hugh White, from Diversity, who turned it down and threatened to quit. White also started coughing nervously. 

Ms Axe was not emotionally available....so I told Wu that that HR will implement "self management" of the HR ERP process. 

Wu then texted  Chairman Ed who texted me and... I have decided to lead the HR ERP process. Mais oui! This will be an opportunity to exhibit my leadership skills.

I texted the right Honourable Winston Wu cc'ing Ed and Stan.

"Winnie-make it swift and  easy, SVP.  You be the man.  Gloria"

SVP is French for please. 

You can follow me @GRamsbottom

One of our new employees has only one name

Having one name "makes no sense".

Our big data department has just hired an engineer from  Naypyidaw who has only one name name,  Thiri. She is female, yet neither I nor Ms Axe knew her gender "a priori" when she signed up. A priori a Roman word.

Axe (Cynthia) did not want me to sign off on her job offer until she created a family name, "like all of us", as per Ms Axe, always the academic. (I pointed out to Ms Axe that many Spaniards have up to 39 family names.)

I consulted Winston Wu, my IT lead and my direct subordinate, who decided that "Thiri" will be entered in both fields (family and surname) as Thiri, which does not contribute to our Bigdata base, quite the opposite.

The Engineering Department also employs a Thai whose last name Supitayaporn. Our team in Ottawa calls him "Porn". I also have a member of my team whose last name is Axe. She is the Head of Early Bird Retirement. I CANT repeat what people call her. Tak.

In the accounting department, there is an employee called Guillaume; I call him Billy-boy. in line with my core value of feigned familiarity.