What I have learnt about blockchain

On Tuesdays, people is my middle name

The only English speaking employee in R&D Engineering (besides Comrade Carl Marks) is old de Villiers who sleeps during round tables and long presentations.

De Villers is a soft spoken and comes from Africa, but not in that order. Our CEO Stan once asked me "How come de Villiers is as white as a lily?"  I referred him to Hugh White, from Diversity, who gave Stan a detailed answer. 

After Hugh's explanation, Stan texted me: "don't ever allow Hugh White to waste my time again, Gloria, or I'll fire your ass back to Canada."

It appears that Hugh did not make a good impression on Stan.

Anyway on Friday, the aforementioned Hugh White came into my office today, accompanied by old de Villiers. "Gloria I would ask that you listen to old de Villers", blurted Hugh.

As HR manager, I listen to people on Tuesdays, but de Villiers is a key contributor on matters relating to blockchain. So I stopped texting my sister and asked all to sit down.

De Villiers told me that "back where I was born, in South Africa, there is a crisis we can all learn from. (De Villers pronounced crisis as "cry-sis".) The electric company, which is run even worse that our company, started rationing power due to third world management techniques. Instead of replacing management and demanding accountability, they started a program call load-shedding, teaching people how to use less electricity."  (De Villiers pronounces less as "lis".)

Then de Villiers looked at me with parental tenderness and said, "Gloria, I have always been very fond of you. No one here likes HR very much. So I have a process improvement to suggest.  After all, I am an engineer. Why don't you rename HR as "Load-Shedding and Talent Management?"

This is one of the first times that an employee has approached me directly, although people is my middle name. I felt mild aggravation that my time was being wasted, as text messages began to accumulate.

However, I do have manners. So I asked de Villiers for his mobile number and BBM pin number, and promised to "revert" to him with an answer to his proposal.

Then I asked de Villiers for a tutorial on blockchain. De Villers agreed and Hugh White was allowed to go home early and attend to his wife, the very demanding Comrade Ludmilla White, nee Khrushchev.

Hugh White

HR managers need to know when to shut up

Carl's lease on life may be short

Dear Readers,

Please read this thread of emails in order to get a grasp of what HR business partnership is.

Merci,

Gloria

1 To Chairman Ed

From: Comrade Carl Marks, R&D

CC: Stan@CEO; GRamsbottom@HR; All

Chairman Ed,

Our team recently released a product which is a pearl. 

Some of our unsophisticated clients have issues deploying the product, yet this is a tactical service issue.

Our HR manager, Gloria (my so called HR business partner) claims that CEO Stan has told her to "let Carl stew in his own juice". 

Stan ignores me as of late, and refers me for coaching to that annoying Gloria who is always texting.

BTW, I suggest you try our new product; the documentation should be ready momentarily; it is being translated from Russian.

Spasiba (thank you),

Comrade Carl Marks

............................................

2-To: GRamsbottom@HR

From: Stan@CEO

CC: Ed@Chairman; GRamsbottom@HR

Gloria,

What is taking so long on the Head of Service recruit? Why is HR not responsive? Comrade Carl's focus on continuous engineering/deployment is a waste of his rare talent. Please hone your business partnership with Comrade Carl, in a timely fashion.

Stan

........................................................................................

3- To: All

From: Stan@CEO

There is an immediate head count freeze. Even I cannot hire a soul. Exceptions to be oked by EVP HR Gloria Ramsbottom

............................................

In my matriculation exams in Moose Jaw, I was asked "what is the difference between rebellion and civil war"? I got a 52 in history.

School did not prepare me to be an HR manager.

But my Dad did. He told me that if I get well paid, I should keep quiet. I net 150 K a year.

une perle

What are the top priorities of Internet of Things?

What a bitch

To: Stan, CEO

From: Juliette.Caesar-Sales

CC: Gloria Ramsbottom-HR; Comrade Carl Marks-R&D

My dear Stanley, 

My life coach has taught me that absolutely everything should be transparent! After a few days in the company, I want to share my insights about the firm in a spirit of openness. 

I am of the impression that you provide stellar leadership to our team, and without you, we would be up shit's creek.

After having examined the product suite, I am having trouble understanding the motives-behaviour  of a certain Comrade Carl Marks, who heads the Internet of Things/Big Data Division. 

Perfecting Ukrainian grammar tops  his priority list-and he speaks with a heavy Russian accent although he is American. These symptoms worry me, so to speak. However, he does appear rather dashing in his picture which I saw at the entrance to the  Big Data department. 

BTW, people in Internet of Things should speak some English.

Your HR gal Gloria is very tactical. She seems obsessed with sending text messages, even as we were having lunch. Her downsizing diva (Ms Axe-what a name)) dresses very seductively.

I am at a loss to why her Diversity Manager (Hugh White) is both white and heterosexual. Doesn`t this miss the point....so to speak. 

Gloria's French accent is appalling....very rural.

I look forward to upgrading our product infrastructure so as to enable us to beat Sales expectations.

Yours forever,

Caesar, Juliette

Head of Sales

Dashing and bizarre

Knock the fear of God into the engineers' thick skulls

HR needs to knock some sense into their stupid heads

I got a text from CEO Stan whilst I reading a book on spying, even though HR should almost never spy on people.

Stan's text informed me that some of our engineers have been speaking directly with clients, misinforming them that our product is a hopeless "piece of crap".

My heavens! I once told my Dad, Pierre Elliot, that the summer day camp he sent me to was a "piece of crap", and he washed out my mouth with soap. That was in the days before women were free.

I texted Stan in return that these "developments" can be explained by R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks's erratic personality and lack of leadership, augmented (nice word) by Comrade Carl's tendency to drink Vodka with his anti-depressants.

Stan asked for help (to tow the nerds into line) from his HR business partner (c'est moi);  I signaled my agreement, in line with my core values of obedience. C'est moi is French.

Stan  asked me by the way if the engineers could build tunnels  to escape from our company. I told Stan I would check on that, although I am not sure how this is done. Yet.

Stan asked me if I can "knock the fear of God into the engineers' thick skulls", and I told Stan that this falls into HR's key competencies.

Btw, there is no reason whatsoever that employees should bad mouth our company to our clients. 

I almost never bite the hand that feeds me, as it were.

Rethinking motivation

Balanced at last

R&D chief Comrade Carl Marks returned to work today after a two week vacation in Crimea. That at least is where he claims he was; I think he was at home, having had his medications adjusted.... after feigning a Russian accent led his doctor to believe he was having a breakdown.

Comrade Carl apparently still pays no heed to the fact that our new product release has been uninstalled by key customers, and remains only partially functional for those clients who have not gone the "uninstall route". Carl believes that HR "needs to hire a service manager who can solve the so-called product issues with big data enabled by a cloud."

My Dad Pierre Eliot, used to say "there is only so much drugs can do". Dad was referring to my mother Constance who constantly popped Valium for one reason or another.

Comrade Carl came into my office in the morning hours and said that he has "rethought the motivation issue". Comrade Carl says that HR needs to put together a motivation program based on mild religious beliefs Erdogan style,  a sense of absolute truth a la Netanyahu, and "an Obama-like conviction" of "don't f--k with us".

Carl then added, "Wrap this all up in a Putin delivery mechanism, and you have the perfect motivation and engagement plan, Glo".

To my astonishment, after Carl used the term "Putin Deliver Mechanism", he started once again to drift into a Russian accent. After 2 hours of rambling, Carl blurted out- ``Yobt tvoyu mat, I`ve given up on HR.``

Who is Ed Wan

Sales and Engineering want separate cafeterias

The outbreak of hostilities between Sales and Engineering is startling and non wow. 

Comrade Carl Marks and his crew of engineers has asked HR for a separate cafeteria, which will be closed off from Sales and HR.

I asked the White Boy who heads Diversity, heterosexual Hugh White, to highlight the major differences between Engineering and other population. I need big data to cover my ass when I make decisions of a strategic nature.

Hugh White, always so pedantic, pointed out that Sales and HR speak better English, talk politely, and eat normal, non-spicy food. 

Engineering staff on the other hand eat tribal food, speak Turkish, Hebrew, 30000 Indian languages, Russian, Cantonese and Chinese. Hugh White noticed that Engineering staff often talk all at the same time.

Yet another difference is that Engineering feels a limited  sense urgency; Sales folks lie a lot, even about their sex lives. HR tends to be responsive, matter of fact and business focused.

Hugh White's wife, Comrade Ludmilla who is Russian born, suggested that our cafeteria be separated into two parts, and within a month, one cafeteria can then conquer the other and "impose its will". Hugh tends to listen to Ludmilla as of late.

I vetoed the idea of 2 cafeterias; I was highly influenced by North Korean style decision making, Gangnam style.  

Cognitive Disabilities

White -straight and white as a lily

Our CEO met the Head of Diversity, a certain Hugh White, in the elevator. Hugh is white and straight. CEO Stan gave White some strategic direction:

"White my boy, do some work to improve the cognitive capabilities of our nerds. The fucking product is a mess. And we need to make sure the documentation is in one language,  English, not Hebrew, Russian or Tamil ! Budget is not an issue; just get Gloria to sign off".

Hugh told CEO Stan that many of our nerds do not speak good English and need intense language training. Stan muttered, "Maybe I need to fire that Ramsbottom bitch; why the fuck does she hire people just off the boat"? 

My guess is that CEO Stan is frustrated. I have learnt not just to act, but to think as well.

I must be honest that I do not know a lot about cognitive disabilities, except for two examples-my sister Claire Ramsbottom who is a total mess and   US born and bred R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks speaks English with a Russian accent, which is  an apparent psychiatric disorder, as it were. I sometimes wonder if not being understood is not a disability, but an advantage-there being someone to blame. 

I do know that there are people who are experts in cognitive capabilties, but they charge a fee and personally, I love free advice.

My plan to upgrade cognitive disability will focus on increasing English language skills, implement an intense wellness program based on "meaning not doing",  and putting an end to late night pizzas, except for the Mediterranean nerds who eat late supper meals without side effects. 

Our German CEO Mister Herr Krebbs was updated on the savings incurred by my pizza initiative; "gut" was Krebbs' cogent reaction.

No night pizzas

Aligning with common sense

HR's role is to maintain a civil dialogue in English and ensure sanity.

The fact that our newest product is not "stable" is causing a non wow nightmare. Our product has 30,987 revenue impacting bugs. Most of our treacherous client base wish to uninstall it.

Chief nerd Comrade Carl Mark's personality was never all that stable to begin with. This crisis has made things worse. Comrade Carl Marks claims that product bugs are a result of rumor mongering, not big data.

And Comrade Carl  is convinced that the lack of product stability is a service issue, not an engineering problem. 

There is also a linguistic problem in R&D which impacts product quality, if you ask me. Carl's staff is 39% Russian, and the rest of the engineers are Indians, Chinese and Middle Easterners. Very  people actually understand the English language product specs.....and this explains a lot of product issues, from an HR perspective.

Two hours each day, Comrade Carl has been seen reading a book on the Mossad, which is a foreign version of the infamous and evil KGB, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the defunct Scorpions, and the beloved CIA. Comrade Carl apparently believes our clients can be "convinced"  into believing our product is "a pearl".

Our CEO Stan believes that an HR intervention is needed to "straighten Comrade Carl out" so that he will not wait for miracles, but fix the bugs! Stan instructed me to hire more English speaking engineers because he believes that "people who speak English well generally have more common sense." Hugh White (a white heterosexual) from Diversity disagrees.

The ladies of HR and Hugh White from Diversity started enforcing our global "English Language  Only" policy in the cafeteria, to get more traction around aligning ourselves with common sense.

I may need a vendor with a background in psychiatry and appreciative inquiry, who works pro bono.

Comrade Carl Marks digs a clandestine tunnel into CEO's office

Comrade Carl Marks digs tunnel to access CEO Stan's office

Our newest product is named Carla 3.0. "Carla" is not selling well, and 40% of our install base wants to "uninstall". If this were to happen, the Board would fire CEO Stan via a well guided missile. 

Carla also happens to be the name of CEO Stan's daughter, who cohabits with R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks. (My Dad, Pierre Elliot, used to say "shacks up with" instead of cohabits).

CEO Stan, ever the strategist, has taken "preemptive" action and promised our clients that a better version named "Carla 3.2" will be released on October 1st, 2014.

Not only did CEO Stan not consult with R&D Chief Carl Marks on this aggressive commitment, Stan issued the product commitment email in Carl's name, signed in English and Russian. (Stan used Google Translate to sign in Russian).

In even further escalation, Stan banned Comrade Carl from any engagement/dialogue, " I cut Comrade Carl out of the communication loop, until he straightens himself up", said Stan.

Brewing with anger, Comrade Carl made a dysfunctional choice. Instead of working on the new  product release ("yes we can")  with his multi-lingual yet non English speaking staff, Comrade Carl started to dig a terrorist tunnel from his office to CEO Stan's office, in order to "engage" with Stan, as it were. 

This is where I come in. Naturally, as HR business partner, I sit right next to Stan. And to get to his office, Carl's tunnel passed under my room.

At 10 pm  last night, I was having a group one on one with Hugh White (Diversity) and Cynthia Axe on a new mission statement for HR to promote engagement, and heterosexual Hugh (who is always very alert) heard some noise and commented as such. 

Suddenly, the head of Comrade Carl Marks popped up in my room under Cynthia Axes' rear end.  Cynthia Axe screamed.

Comrade Carl emerged, covered in dirt with two hand grenades in his hand;  Carl yelled out, "Sorry SOO-kah, wrong room. Pizdyets!"

What does SOO kah mean? Really? Bitch?

Skills gaps in HR

La  pénurie de compétences-that's French

Dear readers, who re-tweet me and who don't!

My dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, constantly told me to be prepared: "you don't want to be caught with you pants down, do you Gloria". 

Dad was referring to a spelling exam in French which I failed because I had planned to cram and the exam was administered a day early. (I speak French very well but most French words are hard to spell, because the French throw in a lot of useless letters which are not pronounced).

Last week, I was visiting one of our remote offices, and happened to be located in a bomb shelter, where people have do not time to hate HR. Despite my being deep underground, I took part in a management conference call, during which I was asked about the "skill gap" in HR. Surprisingly, it was the Chairman of the Board who put me on the spot, as it were, with this prying and semi wow question.

In line with my core value of self preservation and pragmatic honesty, there are indeed skill gaps in my team that I need to address.

Hugh White, the white heterosexual boy who runs Diversity, does not appear to have a full deck of cards between his white ears. Besides his shameful skin colour, he also provides far too much irrelevant data about sexual preference and the value of "other" disabilities. Hugh provides lots of data, but none of it is big.

Cynthia Axe, my downsizing diva, has severe drawbacks. She speaks English only, whilst the nerds that she fires speak a myriad (not a French word) of languages. Axe lack a humane approach to her profession. When I asked her if she cannot be a bit nicer to people, Cynthia Axe said to me: "decide what the fuck you want from me, Gloria". Then she went home for a week, leaving me to do her grisly job.

I have no lack of skills that I can think of. I text quickly, I turn around a problem on a dime, I speak French and I am a thought leader. (I also dress impeccably).

Perhaps were I have more technical skills, I could manage R&D.

On one hand-will Blockchain Andy solve this one for me?

I need to think-and it is painful.

Executive Vice President of R&D Comrade Carl Marks' personality started to disintegrate after the release of our newest product which has 55,988 revenue impacting bugs.
Comrade Carl said that our "product is a pearl :  unsophisticated clients can go fuck themselves". Then he decided to take two weeks off "to do some banking in the Caribbean. 

Our CEO Stan hopes that I can help "re-integrate" the Comrade back to reality, in line with my core values of realignment.  

In a rare moment of transparency, our CEO Stan sent me a text acknowledging a wellbeing issue: "what can be done with Comrade Carl-he made need help, such as cost-effective coaching!"

A word about Comrade Carl-Carl's R&D team consists of Indians, Thais, Israelis,  Russians, Ukrainians and one old South African comrade named de Villiers.  Only 74% of the team understand him sometimes. Why? Well, Comrade Carl is a weirdo! American born and bred Marks not only speaks Russian most of the time with his team, but even when he speaks English, he has adopted a thick Russian accent. (for example, he mispronounces big data as "pik dayta").  

I could go on and on, but I won't in line with my core values of not going on and on. Carl does indeed need help of the HR ilk. I have several options:

On one hand, I could help Comrade Carl by providing him with coaching with my bare hands. I am a seasoned HR business partner, and coaching could have been my middle name.

On the other hand, I could hire a cost-effective coach, who may prove to be disloyal and undermine HR's professional authority.

On the third hand, I could dither and  enable Comrade Carl to fail, in line with my core value of self preservation.

My Dad, Pierre Elliot, used to say, "Gloria, mon chou, people do not have three hands".

I will sleep on this for a while and consult my blockchain named Andy. 

My tendency is to let nature take its course, given Comrade Carl's non wow attitude to HR.