Following the introduction of our "modified", wow and cost effective health plan, the compulsory use of the global language of English in our global dining hall, the IT-related delay of salary benefits to a "few" of our beloved employees, and the growing unpopularity of a certain Ms Axe (Cynthia), the Head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, civil discourse yesterday was mildly impacted.
8 pizzas were hurled in Ms Axe's
direction; all emails were written in tribal dialects like Russian,
Chinese and Hebrew; English language signs were torn down in R&D.
Two gay couples then got married on our premises, a certain Mohammed
took out a prayer mat and prayed in mid day, and the Engineering
secretary answered the phone with "Praise the Lord-you have reached Gail
from Engineering, how can I help you, God willing".
I have just exited Stan's room where we
sat at his mahogany table: we being Stan, Wifey, Ms Axe and Winston Wu,
whose grandfather was born in Shatin, Hong Kong, Kowloon side.
Here are the steps we are taking:
1) R&D will have a cooking class and
outdoor training. These powerful tools solve 98.7% of all
organizational issues without the need for OD.
2) Winston Wu will now report directly into Stan; salaries will be paid today. Mr Wu becomes my esteemed peer.
3) Gloria will "do a study" on health treatment alternatives.
4) Cynthia Axe will continue her grisly role, but she will fire her useless Reputation Coach and hire a new one.
5) Dogs will now be allowed in R&D.
6) HR will assign a business partner with military axe-perience to our useless R&D manager.
7) HR will "monitor" the level of civil discourse in a timely fashion.
8) English language lessons will be
axe-cellerated. Russian employees will be "thinned out". The use of
Hebrew and Chinese will be banned because of their tribal nature. Our
company will become more global in order in augment our sustainability.
All this will be done in line with our core values.
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