Two years of Gloria

2 years! Mais oui!

Today this blog is two years old.

At the time that the blog was launched,  I was slavishly loyal to my CEO Stan, I was a superb administrator and a master of sloganeering. Which was why I was appointed as HR VP in the first place.

In the last two years, I acquired other skills in the area of big data, internet of things, analytics and human spare-part supply chain management.

And as I shared my skills and ideas with you my readers, I received recognition in the form of re-tweets, guest appearances in various professional newspapers, and even personal emails. Daily. Some of my admirers are real live nerds!

I love to hoard my success and share my failure but today is an exception. I want to say thank you.

Thanks to the 4000 people who read this blog daily. And a special thanks to those who read the blog and don't get angry, like HR managers in such remote places as Bangalore, Malaysia, Qatar, Saudi Arabia and London England....and I even have a reader from far away Denmark!

Thanks to Comrade Carl Marks, our  internet of things chief nerd, who made a product so faulty that even greasing palms in the third world does not promote sales.

And thanks to CEO Stan whose mixed messages make this blog possible.

Finally, without my useless staff, this blog would not be able to make anyone even smile. So, thanks to Cynthia Axe from Early Bird Retirement and Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs Diversity.

Pierre Elliot my Dad would have been so proud of me.

Twas the night before Christmas

Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse. 

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
All the staff had gone home, even Carl the louse.
Cynthia's axe was hung on her door with great care.
In the hope that this day, HR would be "fair".

Hugh White and Ludmilla will be nestled in bed,
I need to visit my mother back home, what a dread.
Stan with his lasagna and Wifey with books,
We shall all overeat, and neglect our good looks.

We will continue to service the nerds of Internet of Things,
What a challenge this wow technology brings!
Remember the ladies and Hugh from HR.
And don't forget Carl, the chief geek, so bizarre.


Joyeux Noël .....les dames de l'équipe RH , et Hugh Leblanc.

Miss Cynthia Axe, Hugh White (from Diversity) 
and his wife Ludmilla (nee Khrushchev),  
Comrade Carl Marks, Stan and Gloria, the first lady of HR, wish all my readers a Merry Christmas, as it were.

3 top questions to nerd health call center

Hugh gets a bonus

Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs our Diversity Department, set up a call centre for health issues impacting ALL members of our workforce.
Whenever Hugh White uses the  term "ALL employees" , CEO Stan thinks that HR is not aligned with business needs.

The call centre is operated on a pro bono basis and run out of a local college where one can get a PhD in  Public Health within 6 months, even if you just "dial in" to the lectures. 
All lecturers have a British accent, which makes the studies all the more appealing. (My Dad used to say that the Brits sound smart reading a phone book).

As a matter of fact, this past Friday, CEO Stan's brainy wife Wifey read an article  about our health call centre in the local newspaper. At breakfast she said to her husband, "Stanley, that health call centre makes me proud of you. Pick up a bottle of wine on the way home. And be home by 6 pm".

CEO Stan sent me a text telling me that he gave a "spot bonus" to Hugh White of $5000 for outstanding initiative. I tendered my resignation  and Stan lowered the bonus to $3000, at which time I withdrew my resignation.

Today, I dropped by the call center to learn what our needy staff is asking about. Here are a few things I picked up-

1) Comrade Carl Marks is so unstable that when he describes the product road map, I get vertigo. What can I do? (The caller had a heavy Thai accent, yet I understood 105%)

2)  We have an HR manager with gorgeous legs. Sometimes I get very nasty thoughts. Is there a solution? (Heavens! I recognized the voice of old de Villiers, from the Big Data Team)

3) When I sit in the toilet and listen to other people talking in conference calls about big data and cloud computing, I get constipation. Can I sue the company? (The caller, apparently from Sales, appeared to have perfect English.)

My head is spinning. What are the legal implications of this call centre?  Legal affairs top issue all HR managers should think about. I will use a French term; it is our raison d'etre.

old de Villiers must be gawking

What every IoT geek must demand from HR

Comrade Carl's HR Manifesto

Comrade Carl Marks is the leader of our Emerging Technology Team, aka IoT.

Comrade Carl has a personality disorder which manifests itself in 3 ways: 

1) speaking in a Russian accent although he is an American, 2) disliking HR, and

3) endless rambling that his IoT product is a "pearl" although the clients want to uninstall it due to 87865663 bugs.

Comrade Carl must have had a bad night last night, it appears. He texted me at midnight in Russian! I ignored him as I do all men at that time, following Dad's advice. "What can a man want at midnight?", Dad warned.

Today when I came into work, I saw Comrade Carl distributing leaflets in English, Russian, Hindi, Chinese and Hebrew. 

The leaflet, named "Carl's HR Manifesto", spelt out Carl's view of "what employees should expect from HR".

1) HR should identify with the working class, and not kiss Stan's ass. 
2) High performers should be treated like big data nerds, not squeezed like a fucking lemon.

3) Downsizing should be done in the Finance, HR and Legal organizations.

4) Ms Cynthia Axe should cover up her cleavage when downsizing, despite the sexless nature of the nerd.

5) The head of Diversity should not have a white hue to his skin, nor be heterosexual. Hugh White, the present white boy who staffs Diversity, is a sign of Gloria's insensitivity and negative attitude to the downtrodden working man, and woman.

6) HR documents should be issued in all tribal languages, even Russian. The documents should leverage cloud computing capabilities. (The term Cloud is so sexy).

7) HR should prove its added value daily, or be disbanded.

8) All HR managers should have a background in IT and Law.

9) HR Business partnership is betrayal of employees.

10) Gloria has nice legs.

When the CEO has a medical issue, what is HR's role

Behind in his work

I was not surprised when Wifey (our CEO's wife) invited me for lunch to confide in me some big data, i.e., that CEO Stan has hemorrhoids. Wifey, nibbling a croissant, looked me in the eyes and said: "HR management (she meant me) needs to install a bidet in his bathroom and this needs to be discrete, Gloria".

Why was I not surprised? Because Stan had been complaining that all meetings are "too fucking long, Gloria". Often, Stan stood up after just 5 minutes into most meetings, apparently to show his impatience, as it were.

Everyone has medical problems from time to time. Mais oui!

My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, never saw a doctor till he was 79, because "doctors always find out something wrong, for Christ's sake-that's their job; and they never know how to fix anything".

My mother Constance, who is still alive, has chronic post nasal drip and is always clearing her throat; my brothers Frank and Ernest Ramsbottom both have asthma, albeit mild.

I think I may have an attention disorder deficit, but it does not matter; I am in HR, and all I do is text all day. And I visit a chiropractor thrice a week; notice thrice.

In order to keep Stan's affliction totally discrete, after I came back from meeting Wifey, I convened a meeting with Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) and Hugh White, the white boy who runs Diversity. 

I told Cynthia to fire anyone who gossips about this issue. I told Hugh White that he should hire several people with this affliction so that Stan will feel normative. Behaviour like this is the pinnacle of business partnership.

I sat down and started browsing to look for a same-night installation of a bidet when I got a copy of an email (sent to me by mistake) from Comrade Carl Marks to all his Engineering crew. "Hey guys, come into my office. I have something really funny to tell you about Stan".

Carl's  English-language email was accompanied by a translation into Russian, Hindi and Hebrew, since only 3% of his staff speak any English.

Mother has post nasal drip

What are the top priorities of Internet of Things?

What a bitch

To: Stan, CEO

From: Juliette.Caesar-Sales

CC: Gloria Ramsbottom-HR; Comrade Carl Marks-R&D

My dear Stanley, 

My life coach has taught me that absolutely everything should be transparent! After a few days in the company, I want to share my insights about the firm in a spirit of openness. 

I am of the impression that you provide stellar leadership to our team, and without you, we would be up shit's creek.

After having examined the product suite, I am having trouble understanding the motives-behaviour  of a certain Comrade Carl Marks, who heads the Internet of Things/Big Data Division. 

Perfecting Ukrainian grammar tops  his priority list-and he speaks with a heavy Russian accent although he is American. These symptoms worry me, so to speak. However, he does appear rather dashing in his picture which I saw at the entrance to the  Big Data department. 

BTW, people in Internet of Things should speak some English.

Your HR gal Gloria is very tactical. She seems obsessed with sending text messages, even as we were having lunch. Her downsizing diva (Ms Axe-what a name)) dresses very seductively.

I am at a loss to why her Diversity Manager (Hugh White) is both white and heterosexual. Doesn`t this miss the point....so to speak. 

Gloria's French accent is appalling....very rural.

I look forward to upgrading our product infrastructure so as to enable us to beat Sales expectations.

Yours forever,

Caesar, Juliette

Head of Sales

Dashing and bizarre

What language did your ancestors speak?

A fair question

Most readers of this blog know that I have two brothers, Frank and Ernest, who worked for Blackberry, which is a Canadian company.

To be frank and earnest, I do not understand why we received a lawyer's letter, initiated by  a lady candidate whom we turned down for a job in our Global and Sustainable Service Department.

She claimed she was asked 4 unfair questions.

   1) What language did your ancestors speak?

   2) Do you agree that pregnancy interferes with high performance and achieving stretch goals?

   3) If you are married, what food do you cook your husband for supper?

   4) Are the ladies of HR true business partners?

I called our corporate lawyer (who works on a razor thin retainer) and told him that the candidate was probably inventing the entire story. The lawyer played me a tape, and indeed, I heard my own shrill voice doing the interview.

When I think back, this interview took place after a huge argument I had with Chief Nerd Comrade Carl Marks, who took me out for lunch (Au Beau Pain) to reconcile but "talks broke down".

The day of the interview, Comrade Carl brought out the worst in me, claiming that AI and holacracy will eliminate HR. 

Nevertheless, I see no problem with the interview questions that I asked. (Dad always told me that I am very stubborn). 

To get to the top of the HR ladder, my beauty was not enough. I needed to be stubborn, understand big data, develop AI and holacracy to the next level, and embrace cloud computing whilst mitigating DEI.  Mais oui-that's quite a job, if you get my drift.

And there is a drift to get.

On flexibility and survival

Gym class

CEO Stan's indefatigable wife, Wifey, read a management article which said that only the flexible survive.

In my opinion as an HR thought leader, this is trite and meaningless whilst at the same time, demanding of my attention.

Wifey sent me the article along with a text, ccing her husband, "Gloria, is HR aligned with flexibility? RSVP ASAP! Wifey".

RSVP ASAP means get back to me as soon as possible, with the rsvp part being French. Mais oui!

I texted the following message to the white heterosexual boy, Hugh White (Diversity) and a certain Ms. Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement and Morale) 

"In what ways are you flexible? RSVP ASAP OYAD. Gloria."

That means get back to me as soon as possible or you are dead.

White texted me that he is tending to the needs of his wife, Comrade Ludmilla White, who just gave birth to their 4th White child in as many years. Axe texted me: "Gloria, I am crushed by conflicting priorities. This afternoon I am posing for a Big Data baby pinup. I will get back to you tomorrow."

I texted Wifey that I will answer her tomorrow. Wifey texted me that I am not "flexible enough". 

In gym class, I used to be able to bring my heal behind my ear! My Dad told me: "You are like an elastic band, for Christs sake". 

Big Data Baby

Sales and Engineering want separate cafeterias

The outbreak of hostilities between Sales and Engineering is startling and non wow. 

Comrade Carl Marks and his crew of engineers has asked HR for a separate cafeteria, which will be closed off from Sales and HR.

I asked the White Boy who heads Diversity, heterosexual Hugh White, to highlight the major differences between Engineering and other population. I need big data to cover my ass when I make decisions of a strategic nature.

Hugh White, always so pedantic, pointed out that Sales and HR speak better English, talk politely, and eat normal, non-spicy food. 

Engineering staff on the other hand eat tribal food, speak Turkish, Hebrew, 30000 Indian languages, Russian, Cantonese and Chinese. Hugh White noticed that Engineering staff often talk all at the same time.

Yet another difference is that Engineering feels a limited  sense urgency; Sales folks lie a lot, even about their sex lives. HR tends to be responsive, matter of fact and business focused.

Hugh White's wife, Comrade Ludmilla who is Russian born, suggested that our cafeteria be separated into two parts, and within a month, one cafeteria can then conquer the other and "impose its will". Hugh tends to listen to Ludmilla as of late.

I vetoed the idea of 2 cafeterias; I was highly influenced by North Korean style decision making, Gangnam style.  

Cognitive Disabilities

White -straight and white as a lily

Our CEO met the Head of Diversity, a certain Hugh White, in the elevator. Hugh is white and straight. CEO Stan gave White some strategic direction:

"White my boy, do some work to improve the cognitive capabilities of our nerds. The fucking product is a mess. And we need to make sure the documentation is in one language,  English, not Hebrew, Russian or Tamil ! Budget is not an issue; just get Gloria to sign off".

Hugh told CEO Stan that many of our nerds do not speak good English and need intense language training. Stan muttered, "Maybe I need to fire that Ramsbottom bitch; why the fuck does she hire people just off the boat"? 

My guess is that CEO Stan is frustrated. I have learnt not just to act, but to think as well.

I must be honest that I do not know a lot about cognitive disabilities, except for two examples-my sister Claire Ramsbottom who is a total mess and   US born and bred R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks speaks English with a Russian accent, which is  an apparent psychiatric disorder, as it were. I sometimes wonder if not being understood is not a disability, but an advantage-there being someone to blame. 

I do know that there are people who are experts in cognitive capabilties, but they charge a fee and personally, I love free advice.

My plan to upgrade cognitive disability will focus on increasing English language skills, implement an intense wellness program based on "meaning not doing",  and putting an end to late night pizzas, except for the Mediterranean nerds who eat late supper meals without side effects. 

Our German CEO Mister Herr Krebbs was updated on the savings incurred by my pizza initiative; "gut" was Krebbs' cogent reaction.

No night pizzas

AI makes me excited

AI makes me excited

The words "artificial intelligence" has been uttered more than any other buzzword during the past week by our nerds. More than "big data".

Without appearing frantic, I updated my domain expertise on AI, assisted by my brothers Frank and Ernest Ramsbottom.

Immediately I "migrated the knowledge" that my brothers gave me to the HR domain, supported by a certain Hugh White from Diversity, who takes a night course on "Diversity, Sexuality, Coughing and AI". 

Hugh, who is loonier than a $3 bill, still brings me value in the crunch, as it were. I have started to make massive use of the term "as it were".

I have decided that within a week, all HR services will be AI based, (unless there is sabotage.)  

How this will be achieved is a technical matter that bores me. 

Cynthia Axe will lead the way with  an AI based application to dismiss staff and improve morale simultaneously. Axe is looking for the appropriate AI enabled cloud. Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs Diversity, will ensure that the clouds are not all white.

I have informed my staff that this is a daily strategic priority, at least for the next week.

Follow me @GRamsbottom

No one in our senior management team speaks poor English.

Failed. Un échec

Diversity Chief Hugh White sent me a text message that we failed the government diversity audit! He backed up his text message with a Whatsapp and an email.

We have been given a week for corrective action.

Have I mentioned before that Hugh White is the white boy who heads my Diversity Department? Hugh is a heterosexual.

The diversity audit team was impressed that we have tribal food in our cafeteria. 

Furthermore, our Engineering Departments ethnic composition made an excellent impression, albeit the fisticuffs between Ukrainian and Russian engineers, and a bloody pizza throwing fight between various Middle Eastern factions, which resulted in a state of "unrest" and the riot police being called in, which is non wow.

The ONLY reason we failed the audit is that no one in our senior management  team speaks poor English. 

CEO Stan is American, as is Comrade Carl Marks, who merely  thinks he is Russian. The Head of Sales, who has been hiding in the toilet for 4 months, is British.

As you all may know, I am from Canada and my English is perfect. Herr Krebbs, our CFO, was in Berlin renting out his home to 340 refugees from the Mid East.

Hugh White was instructed to hire a manager with poor English for our senior leadership team immediately. Highest priority will be given to a thick Russian accent, a Scot, a Taiwanese, a Pole or a Thai.

Comrade Carl Marks: He is American

Compensation of HR professionals

Dad was SO right!

My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me, "Gloria if your job entails kissing your boss's arse, you'd better get well paid".

Lucky me! Due to my HR business partnership, I never need to kiss CEO Stan's butt. 

I do work hard on"People Day", which is every 2nd Thursday -that is when I solve people problems.

However, I am very well paid, netting about $150,000 a year. I earn every penny. As EVP HR, I work very hard:

1. I text 18 hours a day, on 3 phones, blindfolded.
2. Even when I fly (business class), I do email, even in my sleep.
3. I get calls at all hours of the day from Wifey, CEO Stan's better half, who reads too many management articles.
4. I manage the collateral damage that Cynthia Axe causes by "dint" of her role as downsizing czar. Czar is not a French word. I learnt the word "dint" in a spelling "bea".
5. I listen to the asinine whining of Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs Diversity.

Clearly, the fact that I speak French adds to my market value, although French is a dying business language, almost like Russian.

Hugh White and Cynthia Axe earn $40,000 a year. Over the next two decades, in alignment with my core value of self preservation, they will given a raise.

The salary I get does not buy my loyalty. Hardly at all. I can only remember 233 cases when I acted against `my better judgement``. I remember only 7 or 8 cases when I fired people who were setting up a union.

Dad used to tell me `you are worse that Fibber McGee, Gloria``.

HR use of social media

Thought leadership-mais oui!

It is erroneous to think that social media, texting, and Skype are tools that are limited to enabling HR departments  more efficient and user friendly downsizing. Mais non! (That's French)

Social media can also be used by HR to inculcate a wow wow wow culture. 3 wows. Par exemple:

As our downsizing campaign proceeds like the Battle of Stalingrad, I have requested from Hugh White from Diversity to tweet  the following message 8 times an hour:

                Let's all engage and cool Stan's rage.

Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs Diversity, wants to tweet this tweet in other languages. His wife, Comrade Ludmilla White offered to tweet both in Russian and Ukrainian. Hugh wants the background of the corporate tweets to be a black, white, red, and yellow format.  

I often question Hugh's sanity and the relevance of Diversity.

Driving social media and good English

The ten basic components of a global mindset

\

I get all answers right, daily.

I have developed the following tool for HR to determine the degree to which employees have  global outlook.

So let me know how well you do! Please answer briefly, because I skim answers

1) When an employee moves  from a North American home to a foreign dump or hut, how much salary can we deduct to make the package attractive to the employer?

2) Is Russian currency used in selected parts of the Ukraine?

3) In locations where there is limited electricity, is it necessary to transport household appliances?

4) Is 42 degrees Celsius considered hot?

5) Is big data available in French and tribal languages?

6) Why do South Africans keep changing the names of the cities where they were born?

7) Some employees want us to pay for additional ethnic and  tribal education of their children. How can they be threatened, gently, to back off?

8) Can we transport all relocating families by bus to the airports?

9) Who pays visa fees if an employees' wife comes from a pariah state where you need a visa to go to the toilet?

10) What to do with an engineer who claimed he was born in Naboomspruit who now claims to have been born in Mookgophong?

For correct answers, please wait on the line, and a big data attendant will be with you shortly.

What happens when no one speaks English

Mais oui-I am so popular

Just a few days before the release of our new product, I walked into Comrade Carl Marks office our R&D Executive Senior VP.

The arrogant Comrade Carl  sat in his room sipping some cognac during a consultation with 2 engineers. One was a (lily White) engineer from the southern tip of Africa named Rene de Villiers and the second was Thiri  (from "somewhere" in Asia), an employee with one name only, whom our ERP HR module registered as a "thing".

Thiri speaks some English (79% is incomprehensible) while old de Villers speaks a weird brand of English where the letter E has disappeared...as in "lits have brikfast". 

Thiri and de Villiers came to Comrade Carl because they did not understand one another. Comrade Carl understands everyone. That's because no one in Engineering speaks real English.

Comrade Carl refused to discuss the engineering problem that de Villiers and Thiri had surfaced. Instead he asked me; "is there any reason R&D should not manage HR, Supply Chain, and Finance"?

Comrade Carl, who appears to have forget his medicines this morning suddenly yelled out, "I am sick and tired of kissing the ass of that bitch Ramsbottom to get more money for bonuses. HR- Pizduk!"

Now Thiri and de Villiers were in a bind...to support me or Comrade Carl.

Instead of supporting Comrade Carl, they walked out as he ranted on. Why did I get this unexpected passive support from the nerds?

• Thiri still cannot get a salary because our ERP only recognizes people with more than one name; each month, I register Thiri as "Thiri Ramsbottom" and I transfer his salary to him.

• De Villiers needs my services because Hugh White, that idiotic white heterosexual from Diversity, claims that de Villiers lacks aid entitlement for relocating from Africa because "you do not look African, de Villiers". 

Installing a bar in Comrade Carl's office

I prefer the downsizing mode!

With the upcoming release of our new product in ten days, sales have started to pick up. 

Albania, South Thailand, parts of rural Ukraine not yet under Russian rule, Chad and Afghanistan have all issued purchase orders. For the first time in 5 years, our revenue will match our expenses. CEO Stan finally feels the rope loosening around his chubby neck .

Growth poses challenges for HR, especially thought leaders like me, who want to do things professionally, keeping costs aligned within budget while creating a wow wow wow environment.

Four (cat in French) events that have taken place over the past day illustrate the semi wow challenges of growth for HR managers.

1) Comrade Carl Marks, R&D chief, has asked for a new company car and chauffeur. Carl also asked for a 'bar' to be installed in his room, and "stocked daily" by the firm. Comrade Carl covered his bases, and cleared the bar with CEO Stan a priori, which is not a French term. I was asked by CEO Stan to approve the bar related bills that Comrade Carl will submit.

Then Stan texted me to "deal with the car issue, Gloria; he is greedy and needs limits. You are good at that". Then, as an afterthought, Stan informed me by text that Comrade Carl Marks was now Senior Executive Vice President.

2) Downsizing diva, Ms Cynthia Axe, knows that she need to replace expensive white US, engineers with cost effective, perfect English speaking Albanians, Afghans and Thais, in line with our sacred value of cheap labour.

Yet, Ms Axe has requested a "job transfer". I "happened" to find a text message she sent her present life partner, which read "I don't want to be Gloria's bitch now that things look better".

Axe wants to get "into" Sales or Change Management.

3) CEO Stan sent me a text telling me that "HR needs to focus on its role of pleasing people, whilst remaining on budget. Also, beef up talent management-we don't have too many smart people here except for Carl and I". 

4) Hugh White, the white boy who runs Diversity, asked for a raise. He told me that he is "under enormous pressure" from his wife Comrade Ludmilla White, to bring home more money.

A bar please, spasiba