May you live in interesting times-a Chinese curse.
Following the introduction of our "modified", wow and cost effective health plan, the compulsory use of the global language of English in our global dining hall, the IT-related delay of salary benefits to a "few" of our beloved employees, and the growing unpopularity of a certain Ms Axe (Cynthia), the Head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, civil discourse yesterday was mildly impacted.
8 pizzas were hurled in Ms Axe's direction; Axe received violent emails written in tribal dialects like Russian, Chinese, Tamil and Hebrew; English language signs were torn down.
Two gay couples then got married on our premises, an employee took out a prayer mat and prayed in mid day, and the Big Data secretary answered the phone with "Praise the Lord-you have reached Big Gail from Big Data, how can I help you, God willing".
I have just left the "crisis management room" with a mahogany table, where CEO Stan, Wifey, Ms Axe and Winston Wu (IT), whose grandfather was born in Sha Tin, Hong Kong, Kowloon side. I also attended.
We decided on these steps we are taking to return to civility.
1) R&D and Sales staff will have a cooking class and outdoor training. These powerful tools solve 98.7% of all organizational issues without the need for OD.
2) HR will "do a study" on health treatment alternatives.
3) Cynthia Axe will continue her grisly role, but she will fire her useless Reputation Coach and hire a new one.
4) Dogs will now be allowed on premise.
5) HR will "monitor" the level of civil discourse in a timely fashion.
6) English language lessons will be axe-cellerated. Russian employees will be "thinned out". The use of Hebrew and Chinese will be banned because of their tribal nature. Our company will become more global in order in augment our sustainability.
All this will be done in line with our core values of civility and serving the status quo.