New retention strategies for #IoT nerds

New retention tool-Gangnam style

I remember reading in a "news-by-text" item that described how North Korea's leader Comrade Kim Jong Un (one) used a heavy hand against his Uncle Jang when he "re-positioned" his beloved Uncle, Gangnam Style. 

I am so glad I read that item.

Heavily influenced by Kim Jong Un (one), our CEO Stan told me to "raise morale or get demoted".

Stan and I exchanged text messages this evening and we agreed that "length of service" will be a key indicator of morale. We also agreed that my  focus on improving morale will be in the Internet of Things Group.

I got some interesting Big Data from that white heterosexual boy who runs Diversity, Hugh White. 

White told me that 99.9% of the work force in that group are foreigners, mainly from India, Russia, the Ukraine, Lahore, Israelites, Faroe Islanders , Egypt, China, Quebec, Scotland and Thailand. Less that 1% have landed immigrant status. (Lahore is a city, not the French word for prostitute).

Hugh White and I delved into a deep discussion, Gangman Style. I prefer not to discuss  the content of discussion, in line with our key value of Discretion. (Our values are updated weekly.)  

Hugh was treated for injuries sustained when his head hit an object. Finally, we reached concrete agreements and the following text was sent to all engineers today:

• In line with of core Values of being a  People Company, Hugh White (the white heterosexual who runs Diversity) has opened a "Passport Safekeeping Service". Kindly deposit your passport quickly with Hugh (White) before the year ends, in line with our core value of Responsiveness. Minimal $5 a year custodian fee is charged, with Faroe Islands, Quebec and Scotch passports discounted at $4.50. Check to be payable to GLOBAL- HR-BUSINESS-PARTNERSHIP.

Hugh's Passport Safekeeping Service will have opening hours between 0800 and 0810 every five years.

Employees who cannot fulfill this request should contact the Head of our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan, Ms Cynthia Axe, when she returns this afternoon from Pyongyang.

Enhancing Employee Loyalty and Engagement

The job market is in the employers' favour:

Do I really care about loyalty?

In order to play lip service to employee engagement in 2014, I have transferred responsibility of this to our "Public Relations Department", which reports into CEO Stan's filing clerk, who is on maternity leave.

Employee Loyalty & Engagement entails too much sloganeering, and HR under my thought leadership avoids sloganeering almost totally. This does not mean that we do not want it to happen. Mais non!

We even want our alumni to remain engaged and loyal. Our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan will be greatly enhanced this coming year, and I have asked Ms Cynthia Axe to ensure the well-being (bien-etre in French) of our new recruits,many of whom quickly will become alumni. We hope that they remain loyal alumni and good will ambassadors after their short stint with us, which enhances their career.

Furthermore, I "reach out" to Procurement Management to ensure supplier loyalty, whilst keeping the suppliers on a tight leash.

I reach out to Hugh White, that white heterosexual boy who runs my Diversity Department, to ensure that our minority groups remain loyal so that we can pass government audits. I ask Hugh to ensure our Switchboard is our showcase of Diversity by hiring a hard to understand Scot or Thai.

I also beg Hugh to encourage loyalty of engineers who speak English with no foreign accent. We need a better understanding of what goes on in conference calls.