The 3 key business processes from which HR can create most value via Cloud Computing and Internet of Things

Quite the nerd

I remember that my English teacher (Ms. Celine Lavigne) used to tell me “Gloria, don’t give your compositions such long names. My lord, you are a practical young lady”. 

While I am not the rebellious type, I do have a mind of my own, as you see from the title of this post.

I am nerdifying myself at a drastic pace by rubbing shoulders with nerds, geeks, internet of things gurus, big data boys as well as having lunch daily with Comrade Carl Marks, our VP of Emerging Technology. I have even learnt to understand English with a Russian , Indian, Israeli and Chinese accent. 

I feel most of home in a technology environment, in line with my key value of "HR must become nerdy to save our burning asses", as it were.

I have identified the 3 major HR (and RH) business processes which I shall upgrade and migrate to a cloud, augmented by big data and in the context of internet of things.

1.      The first process is: “Recruitment-El Squeezo-Early Bird Retirement”.

2.      The second process is: “From HR as clerk to Deep Respect for HR Business Partnership”, even as Cynthia swings her axe with unmitigated grace.

3.      The third process is: “From compensation to flexible pray to get pay”.

Hugh White from Diversity was jocund about the use of the term “el squeezo”.

Cynthia Axe was pleasantly surprised she was mentioned by name.

BTW, I plan to use IBM as a single source vendor, unless they cease being cool.

Perfuming the Pig

The Germans are coming

A German company will start due diligence tomorrow morning. Our not so firm firm is a perfect candidate for a take-over. 

I read once a one hundred word article that claimed that mergers and acquisitions often fail, but the Germans often know why because they are experts in detail.

This morning we dedicated our management meeting to what CEO Stan called ``Perfuming the Pig``, ie- putting make up over some of our semi wow blemishes.

I remember that when my mother Constance would put on make up before she and my late Dad Pierre Elliot went to a movie, Dad would say, `Christ Constance, I can hardly recognize you. You look great``. Dad never used the expression `perfume the pig`, and Mom would have rung his neck had he done so.

Comrade Carl our chief nerd, speaking with a slight Russian accent, said that he could make 95% of our bugs into features, by harping on the internet of things. CEO Stan said, `Comrade Carl, don`t fuck up. These Germans aren`t stupid. They almost conquered Stalingrad``. 

I had prepared for this management meeting, in line with my core value of staying in control. I said, `` Our HR unit has both a high skill set, a high level of motivation, fine leadership, and I see myself as a candidate to take over all of HR after the merger.``

Stan corrected me- `It`s an acquisition Ramsbottom``.

So I corrected myself. ``I can return to purchasing, or be a senior admin, or work in Big Data in charge of gossip``. 

Stan ended the meeting with a motivational speech. `Carl, if you fuck up, you`ll go to  Russia on a way ticket. Gloria, it's really cold up there in Canada so if you want to stay down here in the States, get it right. Make sure the troops are engaged when the Germans arrive. Put wood behind the engagement arrow. That`s HR`s job. And make sure Ms Cynthia Axe is well dressed, if you get my drift.``