Teaching our staff about Korean culture

When I arrived at work this morning, I happened to pass by the office of our CEO Stan and I heard some yelling and screaming.

Since I am Stan's HR business partner, my office is right next to his!  As I entered my room, I glued my ear to the wall, in line with my core value of "gathering big data".

CEO Stan told Comrade Carl Marks, head of Emerging Technologies, that that he had received a call from a Korean client's CEO who described our new product was a "piece of pure shit"; only 5 out of 40,888 features were operative. 

A very enraged Stan bellowed, "Comrade Carl, go to the customer site and solve the problem, and don't come back without a solution. Now get out of my office and get on a plane, Comrade Carl."

Comrade Carl came into my room, smiling as if he had just smoked a joint in our parking lot. `Gloria, I am sending 4 engineers to a customer site tonight. They need training about Korean culture, some added engineering skills in Internet of Things,communication skills, etiquette and a piece on managing customer expectations. They will leave to Seoul in 6 hours, so kindly have this training delivered to them in a webinar directly to their cellphone on the way to the airport. Spasiba``.

Comrade Carl has a sexual fetish for the Russian language and I have learnt that ``spasiba`` means thank you.

Immediately, I texted a training vendor in Lesotho, who had asked me for an ``opportunity to prove myself`` and I ordered the webinar. I charged the vendor $1000. 

I asked Hugh White (from Diversity) to do some `quality control` on the webinar, because the vendor is from Ebola stricken Africa.

Then I opened my Blackberry Passport and read the following text.

• To all our staff and management! We cannot be successful as long as HR does not understand the working class and promote their well being. Our product is a pearl yet our engineers are sent abroad to deal with every client whimper and whinge. HR does not advocate for the rights of engineers, kibinimat. We need a union. I am leading a 3 day strike. Starting now.

Comrade Carl

I texted the Lesotho vendor, and cancelled the webinar. 

Ever since Axe listened to a 90 second webinar on 'self-empowerment", she has been hallucinating.

Ms Axe caused me to pop an Advil

Ms Cynthia Axe heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan. Axe has fired 3000 staff in 4 years, whilst increasing morale.
Yet, Ms Axe is also the least popular employee for 14 consecutive quarters.

I have "issues" with the generally compliant Ms Axe. This started when our CEO's wife, Wifey, had asked all of us to read The Land of the Green Plums, and Ms Axe put down the book after 2 pages, claiming she cannot understand a word. 
Ever since then, Cynthia has not been the same Axe that I have known for years. 
Today things came to a head, as it were. I like the term "as it were".

Into my office strutted Ms Axe, at 2 pm, without knocking on the door. I was busy texting Comrade Carl Marks  on an HR business partnership issue, and I asked Ms Axe to wait patiently outside my office. Ms Axe blurted out "Gloria, I just signed up for an MA in the university and I wanted you to know that I will leaving work early on Mondays and Wednesdays at 3 pm."

In line with my core values of thought-leadership, people-come-first, and anger management, I asked Axe if this is a request or a fact.

"It is what it is, Gloria. Take it any way you want. If you wish, I can tender my resignation". 

I like the term "tender". To be honest, Ms Axe has her value, as she allows me to focus on the "people" side of things, supported up by big data, whatever that means.

I asked Axe what she was planning to study, in line with my core value of people-come-first. Axe told me that she is going to study Big Data and Senior  HR Management.
 "One day, Gloria, I want a job like yours. hopefully with a better boss than Stan and his nagging Wifey who drives us all crazy."

I have 2 brother, Frank and Ernest. 
And I want to be frank and earnest with my readers. Ever since Axe listened to a 90 second webinar on 'self-empowerment", she has been hallucinating. I plan to give her some positive and constructive feedback at the appropriate time.

In the meantime, I oked her studies, gave her a new Blackberry Passport, and I plan to enrich the role of her peer, Mr Hugh White, so that Ms Axe feels that studying has its wow rewards, and non-wow downside, as it were.

Motivating Ms Axe

When the Scots leave the UK

Post Stan

Whilst I want to tap into my employees'  rather limited talent, I do not want them to feel "too good", which would make them ask for more money. 

Thus, while I do not keep my employees on a short leash, the canine metaphor is not irrelevant. Par exemple:

CEO Stan, Hugh White (Diversity) and I met in the parking lot. Hugh looked so White in the morning sun.

Stan spoke to Hugh without asking my permission: 
"So White, if the Scots leave Britain, will you get rid of that Scot who works at the switchboard, whose accent is incomprehensible? I suggest you do that Hugh, and hire someone from England. After all, England will become a very small country, and being English may become a "disability" with a Northern neighbour like Scotland. For Christs sake, I read that the Scots will abandon the English language altogether".

I do not know too much about Scotland;

I regret not having paid attention to Mr Blanc, my history teacher. He always looked at me and said, "Gloria, don't sit there like a bump on a log`.

White (Hugh) froze and looked at me. Hugh knows that all dialogue with senior management must be channeled through me, in line with my core value of power preservation.

I need to think how I want to guide White and manage his talent. Too much initiative is not a good thing. 

I slept in History Class but I am a thought leader in HR

Issuing RFP! Guidelines for Coaching, Change Managers and other vendors.

With the administrative assistance of a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, the head our Early Bird Retirement Plan, and in coordination with heterosexual and white Diversity Chief, Hugh White, I have published the following directive to our Coaching, OD and Change Management vendors, so that each profession knows which R.F.P. to they each need to manage.

Please read carefully, and buzz off, because we have a vendor-less change and training program.

A coach deals with individuals and tries not to impact the system because otherwise, he, or she for that matter, might be effective. A coach studied coaching, and perhaps flower arrangement and fast food store management. Coaches use words like "sustainable and global" all the time. They stopped using the words "TQM and re engineering." Coaches spell the work censor, as in "satire should be censored as part of HR police-Y."

A consultant deals with irrelevant issues like processes, alignment, undermining HR and Talent Management. Consultants studied psychology, sociology and even community  organizing. Some even studied organizational behaviour, which is absurd! Organizations make money, for heaven sake  They do not behave! Consultants use fewer buzzwords, because many of them have no work. Consultants claim that they are sensors, while HR is looking for censors, for heaven sake.

A change manager deals with templates which provide a sense of "certainty". A Change Manager studied weather forecasting, which is why they make very clear and concise commitments. Change managers are cogent, crisp and clear, although they often off-plan. I love word "cogent". Change Managers make "sense" of change, by making it predictable, not like OD slobs.

Talent management program

Axe to be deployed in Talent Management

False and dangerous rumors about our firm being acquired are all over the company! This is negative big data. Nevertheless- 
Stan told me we need to "start managing our talent better" so as to "drive up" our market value in the eyes of potential buyers. Here are the steps I have decided upon, in line with my core values of act first, think later.

1) Ms Axe will manage a talent management program, as well as her "other" responsibilities.

2) When/if we have "some more" revenues, we may build bench strength. We are looking for a carpenter.

3) As/if ever our company grows, we will "roll out" a succession plan.

4) We will measure talent management, hourly, daily, yearly, and then again daily.

5) People processes will be integrated into our business practices. The first process to be addressed is "post downsizing engagement of fired nerds", which we will outsource to a vendor in Turkmenistan, using a barter agreement. The vendor is learning English. We want fired nerds to have a Danish approach to life, ie happiness.

6) Performance evaluation will be enhanced based on intrinsic motivation and flexi goals, which are goals defined ex post facto.