It's done: my HR department is all digital

 

It's done; my HR department has been digitalized, leveraging on AI, bigdata, small data, windows 11 as well as fully in line with my core value of "saving my own ass".

Here's why:

As we transitioned into the last leg of 2024 it became clear that our client base was not aligned with our growth plan; thus the need to adapt to the devolving nature of our non-positive growth.

Here's how:

Our Diversity Chief, Hugh White who is (was) white and heterosexual, passed away when hit in the head by an axe wielded by his wife Ludmilla White, perhaps due to a misunderstanding about Hugh's whereabouts. I decided to digitalize Diversity because our board members decided to "fire the bitch (me)  if she wastes money hiring people who can't speak English and is opposed to not checking peoples' chromosomes in order to determine what crapper to use". 

Nowadays, Diversity is handled by voice enabled software that determines colour, sexual proclivity and level of HR services available. All staff will be asked to read the latest and greatest book on Diversity.

Cynthia Axe, our former Chief Downsizer, moved to Denmark because "I want to be happy". She has a government job, giving out free housing to immigrants.  All our downsizing is now done via AI. All employees get a buzzer which gives them a slight electric shock when they have been downsized, and virtual reality removes them from the office even before they have actually left.

One on one coaching and business partnering is now executed by our two bots, Pauline and Mao. Pauline speaks in a Scottish accent and Mao speaks in a Chinese accent. Most of our nerds come from India, Israel and Russia, and we are developing a bot to handle the relevant tongues spoken by the aforementioned. In Russia people speak Russian or Ukrainian and in Israel, people speak in Hebrew or Russian, Russian or Russian. In India, there are 87878 languages.

With my entire department digitalized,  my focus is on augmenting my skills in AI, predictive analysis about not-meeting-deadlines as well as preemptive counter-strikes against employees who bad mouth us to our clients. 

I stop at nothing in order to maintain our reputation. I learnt that from a blog written by an African. I am global and very diverse.