Interns in HR: suggested major focus

Keeping the snake occupied

The "search" for an internal OD, Talent Manager and Training manager has commenced and I have received some semi wow comments on the job description I issued. 

This morning at 9 am,  a certain intern named Samuel Snake appeared in my office. Samuel is the son-in-law of our Chairman, Ed Montpetit-Maplewood. Samuel's first words to me were: 

"A votre service, Ma'am. I heard you are a Canadian. What is my focus for today?"

My initial observation was that young Mr Snake, who is 10 years younger than me, was gawking at my legs. Another observation was "here is a hungry intern whose ambitions needs to be controlled."

My instructions to Snake (Samuel) were crystal clear. I am quoting myself verbatim, which is not a French word.

• *Although you are the only employee in Internal OD and Training, you are not the acting manager."

• *Commission pro bono webinars of 90 seconds each on "Japanese Business Culture", "HR Business Partnership" and "Being Positive, Cheer-leading and Rah Rahing".

• *Update me hourly, to ensure I do not need to micromanage you."

• *Issue 5 "requests for purchase" from training vendors every week; please demand detailed answers (including tools) from vendors and post their detailed answer  onto our "Knowledge Management Database".

• *Never read Allon Shevat's subversive blog.

Travel policy for pregnant men and women

                                                                    Let them eat cake

                                                               qu'ils mangent de la brioche 

A pregnant internet of things nerd named Svetlana (with good English despite her name) approached me today and asked about a travel policy issue. She needs to go to San Francisco for a week; she is based in Toronto, which is in Canada. Svetlana asked to travel by plane.

Our present travel policy provides reimbursement for Greyhound bus trips within the US and Canada as well as economy class tickets on all major discounted "ethnic" carriers like Air Turkmenistan, Air Italia, SAS and El Al for international travel.

I sent the pregnant Svetlana to our venerable down-sizing diva Ms Cynthia Axe, who was not in her office and was not answering her Iphone 4.

I redirected  young Svetlana to Mr. Hugh White, the white, bizarre, heterosexual boy who runs Diversity. When Hugh noticed that the employee was white and in no way irregular besides being pregnant, he referred Svetlana back to me.

I texted Stan: "Stan, do I have any flexibility on travel policy with pregnant employees on Toronto-San Francisco trip? 

Gloria Lemieux, Chief People Officer".

After I received Stan's answer, I texted the answer to the aforesaid Svetlana.....who will be going round trip in a comfortable Greyhound bus.

• We support pregnancies, especially for women (and men) who do not work for us, (but not only)!
• We encourage pregnant employees to live a fulfilling life, and in no way feel "discriminated" against.
• HR supports pregnant women' (and men) struggle for be equal partners in our "passion to win"-driven company."
• Greyhound has a 1800 number to pre-book seats. Supply Chain will provide this number upon proof of pregnancy.

Follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom

Working lunches creative work work work life balance

Bon apetite -that's French

Policy Statement: 

Our CEO Stan has come out in favour of working lunches.  

Stan understands the need to eat!

HR supports Stan, in the framework of social responsibility and our work work work life balance program!

Status and Changes:

1-Stan has working lunches at his global and sustainable mahogany desk. 

His personal chef, K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein, prepares cost effective lasagna, which allow him to stay focused and drive our success. 

K. Ray Beauregard-Goldstein has mixed ethnicity.

2-Our entire HR department uses lunchtimes to work and play, creating this work work work life balance. 

4 times a week, we watch cost effective webinars on creative ways to reengage our employees and re-size, whilst keeping morale sky high.

3-The rest of the company smokes in the parking lots, or dithers in the dining room, speaking tribal languages and eating food from ethnic restaurants. This will now change as follows:

a-Lunches are now called global working-lunches.

b-Please feel free to eat yet send work related sms-text related messages and emails.

c-Eat at the work station and elevator, unless Stan is in the elevator. Stan does like appreciate tribal foods.

d-Our cafeteria will be undergoing agile renovations with a vendor yet to be chosen and never to be paid. 

e-Please avoid dropping crumbs on  your keyboard.

f-Avoid spilling coffee on your company owned Blackberry.

g-Idle chatter and socializing are encouraged on weekends.

h Each employee is encouraged to watch an HR webinar once a week, whilst having a working lunch.

i-VIRTUAL PARENTING IS ALLOWED DURING WORKING LUNCHES, for the first ten minutes of lunch break.