Don't expect the ladies of HR understand technology?

There is too little respect for HR

Ever since I started to nerdify HR using cool  cloud technology, Comrade Carl Marks (VP Emerging Technology) and I have reached a cease fire, so to speak.

My Dad Pierre Elliot used to say that "I don't believe in cease fires Gloria; either shoot to kill or, smoke the peace pipe; Lester Pearson had it right". My guess is that very few Americans know who Lester Pearson was. Dad always said to me "never except too much worldliness from an American".

In the framework of our peace accord, Comrade Carl asked me, "Glo-baby, why not interview our new Internet of Things team-leader that I have just hired, Comrade Natasha Khmelnitski-McLean? Tell me what you think of her skill set".

The comrade laughed and said, "but don't be jealous". When Comrade Natasha showed up for the interview, I understood immediately Comrade Carl's choice. Natasha was dressed to kill as my Dad Pierre Elliot used to say. She wore very high heals.

I grilled young and inexperienced Natasha for 90 seconds (an in depth interview in my book). I concluded that Natasha is not posh. Certainly her accent leaves a lot to be desired, as it were.

At the end of the interview, Natasha had the nerve to ask me four non wow questions:

1) Isn't Comrade Carl the greatest nerd since Pavlov?

2) Just how much do "you girls in HR" understand technology?

3) If I need anything from you, until what time can I call you?

4) Can you ensure that I get  Blackberry keyboard with a Russian interface within an hour? Spasiba. Btw, why do we use Blackberry?

Spasiba means thanks in Russian.  One of the things I do not like about this job is that my French is becoming rusty.

New play mate

The 3 key business processes from which HR can create most value via Cloud Computing and Internet of Things

Quite the nerd

I remember that my English teacher (Ms. Celine Lavigne) used to tell me “Gloria, don’t give your compositions such long names. My lord, you are a practical young lady”. 

While I am not the rebellious type, I do have a mind of my own, as you see from the title of this post.

I am nerdifying myself at a drastic pace by rubbing shoulders with nerds, geeks, internet of things gurus, big data boys as well as having lunch daily with Comrade Carl Marks, our VP of Emerging Technology. I have even learnt to understand English with a Russian , Indian, Israeli and Chinese accent. 

I feel most of home in a technology environment, in line with my key value of "HR must become nerdy to save our burning asses", as it were.

I have identified the 3 major HR (and RH) business processes which I shall upgrade and migrate to a cloud, augmented by big data and in the context of internet of things.

1.      The first process is: “Recruitment-El Squeezo-Early Bird Retirement”.

2.      The second process is: “From HR as clerk to Deep Respect for HR Business Partnership”, even as Cynthia swings her axe with unmitigated grace.

3.      The third process is: “From compensation to flexible pray to get pay”.

Hugh White from Diversity was jocund about the use of the term “el squeezo”.

Cynthia Axe was pleasantly surprised she was mentioned by name.

BTW, I plan to use IBM as a single source vendor, unless they cease being cool.

Unique New Years' Resolution of a Nerdish HR Manager

Daily

I am sitting in the business class lounge of Moose Jaw Aeroport (French) in Canada , heading home after spending the Christmas and New Years holiday with my mother Constance, who is loosing her memory. 

Before I left Maman served tea and crumpets and she asked me the same questions time and time again. 

• When are you going back down to the States to your job in Manpower?
• Why don't you ever close your cellphone, Gloria? What a horrid habit that is!
• Do you live with anyone, Ms Ramsbottom?
• Do you know how proud I would be of you if you did something more creative?

My Dad used to tell Maman not to serve "those tasteless dry crumpets, Constance, for Christ's sake". I remembered that, kissed Maman goodbye, and skated back to the airport.

I made 5 new year resolutions, one of which is to be more patient with the old Bird, as my Dad would have called Maman.

Here are the other 4 resolutions, which I texted ahead to my team, Cynthia Axe and Hugh White, the white heterosexual who manages Diversity,

Innovation: On a weekly basis, ensure that the ladies of HR adopt and master a new HR technology, daily.

Nerdify HR: Ensure that Internet of Things, Big Data, Cloud Computing as well as each and every buzzword is assimilated "in a timely fashion" to create and leverage a nerd-like taint to HR.

Global: On a periodic basis, re-tweet in French, daily-to ensure a global posturing.

Sustainable: Stay ahead of the curve by use of small data, gossip and innocuous facts, daily.

Flexible business ethics enable sales, corruption and compliance

Comrade Carl called me "First Lady of HR"

Comrade Carl Marks (R&D chief) addressed the leadership team today about “what needs to be done to flood the market with our technology”.

I could have sworn that I saw Comrade Carl smoking a joint in the parking lot before the leadership meeting started, but the moment that I took out my state of the art mobile phone, Samsung 98-T-Extra Large and tried to take a photo, I received a text that distracted me.

Comrade Carl said that “ethics and compliance are two-faced concepts of the rich aristocracy and the western world ruling elite. Kibinimat, our product is a pearl! All you need is to give each salesman few envelopes each with a thousand dollars (he said rubles) and you can get deals in Indonesia, China, Mother Russia, Mexico, Israel, Sri Lanka, Taiwan, Qatar and many another banana republics and remote Pacific islands, where the value of our technology is appreciated. All we need to do is find the slimy agents and corrupt government officials."

Then Comrade Carl continued, “all we need to do is two things: appoint me as Head of Sales and ask the ladies of HR to rewrite our business code of ethics to be more flexible.”

CEO Stan asked Comrade Carl to stop using the word kibinimat all the time. 
Herr Krebbs was quiet, reading his German newspaper about the welcome influx  of 4 million refugees into what he hoped would be Sweden. Herr Krebbs was not a Merkel fan.

Stan asked me what I thought.

“HR business partnership entails removing the people obstacles, as it were, that prevent work from getting done, in line with our core values. As you know, one of our core values is compliance, but I can issue "service pack" to these values within one nanosecond. HR will do everything to support the business.” 

I took out my state of the art Samsung, issued an update to our sacred core value of compliance by SMS, Whatsapp, Facebook, Telegram and Yahoo messenger, and said "voila". That's French. The new sacred ethics code enables blockchain based sales, corruption and compliance!

Comrade Carl looked at me and I became very worried. He looked lusty, and he said, "Spasiba, first lady of HR". 

Spasiba means thank you. That's Russian.

Updating core values

Evidence-based Learning and Development Goals 2019

L&D-mais oui

Ever since I graduated from Secretaries Academy (L'Académie des secrétaires, in Montreal), I have underlined my belief in Learning and Development goals, especially given the diversity in the work force and our business needs as it were. 

(HR business partnership cares for business needs in the same way that a CFO makes sure that the numbers look good, as it were.) 

I have put together our six leading Learning and Development Goals for 2019. I used big data, cloud computing, a Swiss blockchain and the common sense of an alley cat.

• For Engineers: Learn English and eat less tribal food in cubicles and  evidence based learning

• For Diverse Populations: Be more productive than the average normal employee  and evidence based learning

• For HR: Further enhance the feeling of respect, trust and camaraderie that staff feel towards HR business partnership and evidence based learning

• For Sales: Focus on positives of our emerging technology and whimper less and evidence based learning

• For Supply Chain: Drive 30% of suppliers into receivership or abject poverty using evidence based learning

• For all: More respect of our dedicated senior management team, based on fear and deference as well as and evidence based learning

My own personal L&D goal is to improve my understanding of organizational politics, position myself for a Fortune 500 HR role, and acquire a slight British accent.

I love the term "as it were". It adds to my senior positioning.

Comrade Carl Marks appointed as "acting" CEO

Acting CEO

CEO Stan is tied up with a medical issue of minor importance. As a result of this non-issue, CEO Stan has appointed R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks as acting CEO.

Stan will return to work on October 8. This is not  one fact, but big data, not stored on a cloud but in my mind. I am counting the seconds, as it were.

My Dad, Pierre Elliot, always said that whenever a leader is ill, the media portrays a smiling figure "on the mend". My Dad used to try and get his news reliable sources like the BBC and Midnight Magazine, but basically he "relied on my own common sense, for Christ sake". Dad was a non-believer, as I may have pointed out.

Comrade Carl moved into Stan's office this morning. He removed Wifey's picture from the wall and hung up a picture of Georgy Konstantinovich Zhukov.

I did not know who that was until I asked Comrade Carl, who gave me a 3 hour answer.

After parking himself in Stan's chair, Comrade Carl sent an email to "all", stating that he plans to use these "days of grace to root out the evils of our company. Our product is a a rare pearl, yet Sales, Big Data and HR drive us into the gutter, like rats", wrote Comrade Carl.

Comrade Carl texted me: "don't take personally Glo; you're a great gal with nice legs".

Comrade Carl forwarded an agenda for today's management meeting.

• 6 pm:- How I see things and what is to be done: Comrade Carl
• 7 pm:- Mitigating HR's negative impact on listlessness
• 8 pm:- Answers, then questions.

HR's impact on listlessness

Comrade Carl's Wall.