Decolonizing Pecuniary Expectations

 

"How is that your nerds get the company culture so right?", I was asked recently in a BBC World Service, France 24,  Free Europe and Danmarks Radio/English Language  interview. 

Never the one to brag, I nevertheless acknowledged the fact that very few nerds deviate from our party line from the moment they join our firm, which is very firm.

After careful statistical analysis, I am certain that this success can be fully attributed to the " Glorious Corporate Culture Class" which all nerds participate in on day one at our firm.

The really learning starts on Day 2, when they recover from the spicy food they eat in our "Acute Diversity Cafeteria" as they arrive at our campus.

The Glorious Corporate Culture Class (given in 28 languages including Glasgow English) consists of 4 2-minute microteaching seminars, which drive in the major "underpinnings" of the cultural edifice of our firm.

The first micro seminar is about "Decolonizing Pecuniary Expectations".  The main point that I make is that old fashioned money is the opium of the people that the landed gentry use to colonize the nerd (the working man, and even woman). Now, this must be decolonized and the nerd can find meaning in work alone, along with a warm meal and pizza with extra cheese for the night shift.

The second micro seminar is about Working from Home, aka Teletrabajo. In this seminar, we show a Spanish speaking nerd, or nerdette, wearing a sombrero who is supposedly on a Zoom call, yet in reality are napping in the afternoon sun. On the screen is a  blockchain named Andy which  generates a pink slip from HR or RH, which sends the aforementioned nerd/ette to collect dole.

The third microteaching session shows a table laced out with pizza, pepperoni, extra cheese, diluted Diet Coke, baklawa, Turkish coffee and pep pills and Cipralex. But, the table is  covered with glass on which there is the sign-Opens at 1 am.

The fourth session shows pictures a nerd on a cellphone whilst driving, answering an angry clients' call.  Upon leaving the room, all nerds get a printed copy of our insurance policy for Driving and Texting whilst taking customer calls.

I would ask that these ideas, if implemented, be attributed to me and not Ms Axe , as I did have a dominant, hands-on, strategic, sustainable and global hand in formulating them.

Oh yes -I forgot-only 3 presenters' faces in all 4 seminars are white. And no proper English is used whatsoever, except in the insurance policy.

New "Death and Compassionate Leave" Policy

 With the number of nerds applying for leave following the death of family members back in their tribal homelands, it became incumbent upon me to align our "compassion offering". 

Btw, our compassion offering is part of our Wellness Plan, along with dental insurance (in Uzbekistan) and a 5% discount at Kim's Manicure Parlor, located next to our HQ.  

The new death and compassion offering includes: a subsidized bus ride to the airport and back, $25 dollars (Canadian) to help the family adjust, and a bouquet of flowers for great grandparents who have "crossed the yellow river". Upon returning to the office after no more than five days, we provide a certified promise (documented on our Swiss Blockchain)  that the bereaved nerd will not be fired by text for two weeks, or 14 days, whatever comes first.

When a nerd passes away, laptops must be returned the same day, in line with our core values "steadfastness". However, the bereaved nerd's team can order in a pizza with extra cheese sans anchovies  even if they stay at work only until 9pm, and not the mandatory 9:30 pm. This is valid for three days. 

I know that death is part of life, just as being axed is akin to being hired-but we ladies of HR ease the transition.