Hedging big data

Big Data Hedge Fund

Our CFO, Mister Herr Krebbs, provided us quarterly data in a 88 slide ppt called "Concise Big Data-based Financial Package" in the senior management team quarterly business review. Herr Krebbs, ever so German, provides us with three truckloads of data. Ja! Gut. 

"Big data" is like a financial report, 100% hindsight", bellowed CEO Stan at Herr Krebbs. Stan ranted and raved about an increase in the cost of goods sold, as well as fines to the tune of $500,000 paid to customers due to late deliveries. Herr Krebbs remained silent and then muttered a few long words in German.

Then Stan turned to Carl, our chief nerd. "Comrade Carl, our product is too complex to make profit and your staff are a bunch of foreigners, waiting for their green cards. They believe that we will fire them if they finish the product, so they stall and tap dance all day! And what does this all mean, Comrade Carl? It means that you are as useless as tits on a bull, as a leader". 

I believe an OD consultant would call that constructive confrontation. My Dad would call it "getting the be-Jesus knocked out of you". Mom would say, "Pierre Elliot, don't cuss like that next to Gloria".

Comrade Carl, in response to Stan's "what do you have to say?" looked at me and said, "All this big data nonsense about the level of engagement being low is HR mumbo jumbo. Our staff is busting their balls, and our product is a pearl." Then Carl added, "what good is HR big data, unless it is futuristic, and hedged to the Greek drachma and Russian rubble?"

Stan, stunned by Comrade Carl's unfocused attack nevertheless asked me, "Gloria, do you hedge your HR big data to be more futuristic?"

Never one to be surprised, I texted my coach (who pumps gas and works as an agile coach) and provided an answer that Stan deemed, "very appropriate, Miss Lemieux."

The problem is that Stan pronounces Lemieux as Lye-Mex.

Green card enabled quality

Internet of things, Big Data and Democracy

Snap elections 

Chief Nerd (VP R&D) Comrade Carl Marks called snap elections in his Big Data and IoT team. (IoT is "internet of things" which is hot stuff.).

As I parked my car in my reserved spot marked "Chief People Officer and HR business partner," I was greeted by a geek handing out an election flyer with the Comrade's picture with slogans in Ukrainian, Russian, Urdu, Hindi, Hebrew and Chinese, the languages of our engineers ( whose passports HR keeps in safe holding).

On the way to my office, next to CEO Stan's, I stopped by Comrade Carl's office. He was speaking on 3 cell phones and it he appeared he had overdosed on adrenaline. He was swearing in Russian and a huge pile of big data was on his desk. Behind his desk was a poster which read "HR is the running dog  走狗 of Management-Vote Comrade Carl".

"Gloria", he greeted me, "I called these elections due to the zenga zenga leadership campaign which was foisted upon me. Kibinimat, once I have the legitimization of my beloved people, we will see big change, not chicken shit HR change management geared at engagement, whatever the f-ck that means. We will run our release commitment process  like a real democracy, negotiating software release time lines at the ballot box."

Comrade Carl then explained that most of his nerds don't come from real democracies like Iraq, so "they appreciate elections all the more". 

Carl Marks (the comrade)  then told me that he had seen an email from Stan to me, asking me to cancel the elections because "Carl has flipped once again, because no one knows what internet of things really is." Comrade Carl added that CEO Stan may be executed by the masses, in line with our core value of focus on execution.

Carl said, "not only have I not flipped Ramsbottom, but YOU should call elections as well to see if anyone wants you as HR manager, kibinimat. Btw, I would vote for you because you have nice legs".

I remember that my late Dad Pierre Elliot told me that if you ever speak to the average voter, you understand the problems of democracy.

One vote, due to nice legs

Two years of Gloria

2 years! Mais oui!

Today this blog is two years old.

At the time that the blog was launched,  I was slavishly loyal to my CEO Stan, I was a superb administrator and a master of sloganeering. Which was why I was appointed as HR VP in the first place.

In the last two years, I acquired other skills in the area of big data, internet of things, analytics and human spare-part supply chain management.

And as I shared my skills and ideas with you my readers, I received recognition in the form of re-tweets, guest appearances in various professional newspapers, and even personal emails. Daily. Some of my admirers are real live nerds!

I love to hoard my success and share my failure but today is an exception. I want to say thank you.

Thanks to the 4000 people who read this blog daily. And a special thanks to those who read the blog and don't get angry, like HR managers in such remote places as Bangalore, Malaysia, Qatar, Saudi Arabia and London England....and I even have a reader from far away Denmark!

Thanks to Comrade Carl Marks, our  internet of things chief nerd, who made a product so faulty that even greasing palms in the third world does not promote sales.

And thanks to CEO Stan whose mixed messages make this blog possible.

Finally, without my useless staff, this blog would not be able to make anyone even smile. So, thanks to Cynthia Axe from Early Bird Retirement and Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs Diversity.

Pierre Elliot my Dad would have been so proud of me.

Why do employees bite the hand that feeds them- on social media?

Badmouthing

My Dad Pierre Elliot used to say that all dirty linen needs to be washed at home. I can only remember eight or nine times when Dad yelled at my mother to "shut the f-ck" up whilst we were in public. 

Steeped in the values of my family, I find it shocking that several of the nerds and geeks from Comrade Carl's Emerging Technology Group have taken to social media in order to make non wow comments about our firm. 

One particular web site called "Under the Sheets", which caters to "non-engaged big data nerds", really aggravated me when I read it. Here are a few tidbits, which is a posh word.

• Sanjay 1: The overly obedient and under sophisticated ladies of HR kowtow to management, reminiscent of regimes like North Korea, Albania and many African republics.
• Igor 2: Our management forces us all to speak English in con calls. Yet only a few Sales guys and the ladies of HR speak any English at all. Kibinimat. No one understands anything, and our product is a piece of shit. It makes me want to go home to the Ukraine.
• Igor 3: Our management is awful. If I did not see it, I would not believe it. The only people who stay around here are people whose passport is kept in safe keeping by the ladies of HR.
• Natasha 2: The ladies of HR in our company serve as politruks,   like the old guard in Russia!  The only difference is that the slogans are in English.
• Malka 5: We "verk" too hard, and the only time I get a good nap is when I watch HR Talent Management webinars, commissioned from cost effective vendors who do not speak good English.

CEO Stan read Under the Sheets as well and he texted me, "Gloria, we need a motivational speaker and an engagement plan. By noon. Stan"

Then Stan's wife (Wifey) called me and asked me what I plan to do "if and when" I leave the company. Wifey added, "Stan is very disappointed with you, Gloria."

Comrade Carl returns from France

Always the rebel

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, disappeared last week and resurfaced today.  I thought that Comrade Carl was at home balancing his medications. One of our nerds stated that all the big data indicated that the Comrade  had been in Moscow, at a CPSU congress. But intuition and technology had let us down. The comrade had been in Paris.

Comrade Carl stumbled into our management meeting at 930, having arrived straight from the Airport. "Kibinimat Gloria, HR travel policy sucks.  Why did I need to change planes in Gander Newfoundland just so that HR can save a few rubles? Yob tvoy mat- I never even knew Newfoundland existed! Next time, I will fly Air France, even if  they are on strike!".

Immediately Carl opened his Iphone and played us Sous les ponts de Paris. Our CEO Stan, very much Yankee Doodle, asked me "Ramsbottom, you speak French. What the hell is she singing about?"

Then Stan bellowed at Comrade Carl, "turn off your goddamned  phone Comrade Carl. This is not a nightclub, for Christ sake".

Stan always ends our management meeting with a "give us a brief update of your domain".

Comrade Carl gave his  brief summary. "I visited the French office and met with our French comrades. Kibinimat, they are an analytic lot. Whilst our Russian nerds code day and night without asking questions as if they were fighting the Battle of Stalingrad, our French engineering comrades do not like taking any risks until they analyse each task in great depth. Clearly this is an HR problem, stemming from poor recruitment and lack of appropriate HR techniques. This is a huge surprise, because Gloria is half French, if my memory serves me right."

Suddenly I got a text: "Gloria, I know you are not half French, but I am making a point. With affection and kisses, Comrade Carl".

Then Carl continued, "Bottom line, HR is useless. I cannot understand why we can't find Russian software engineers in Paris. We need code, and lots of it. Too much analysis will kill us". 

Stan turned to me and said, "Comrade Carl has a point. Fix that Gloria...in a week update us on the solution".

Performance appraisal, Gungnam Style

Our CEO Stan invited me and Comrade Carl Marks to a meeting at 0900 am.  We sat around the beloved management mahogany table and Stan`s private chef served bagels and cream cheese. My Lord, I live for moments like this. Neither of us is Jewish, but I did enjoy the food. (I did have a Jewish classmate, Sharon Bernstein).

Stan appeared in a jocund mood and he asked us both, ``let`s have an open and candid talk about the performance of your colleague,Juliette Caesar, the Head of Sales.`` This is Stan`s version of performance appraisal.

Comrade Carl Marks spoke up first: ``That bitch Juliette could not sell cold lemonade on a hot beach in August, kibinimat. The product is a pearl, and I know how much popular demand there for our technology. Yet that useless and self serving `suka`` is always pursuing the wrong leads. Stan, you should have checked a big data base before you hired her.``

(I have learnt the meaning of that  word ``suka``.)

Comrade Carl continued: ``Why do we have an HR function in our organization, kibinimat? Why….Gloria has instincts like an alley cat! Her instincts are better than big data.  So why don`t we get input from the first lady of HR, Ms Gloria Ramsbottom, who I have come to adore, and not because of her legs``.

I have two brothers, Frank and Earnest. To be frank and earnest, I did like the title Carl gave me. 

Quoting myself verbatim, as it were, here is what I told Stan and Comrade Carl. Italics show where I used my new British accent.

`Now look heyah (here). We have three choices, as it wehr (were). 

1) I can have Juliette write a mission statement with my coach;

2)  I can have a one on one with her to `sohrt (sort) her out` ;

3) I can arrange a meeting between Ms Cynthia Axe and Juliette within 2 seconds, and she will vanish from the face of the earth in one fell swoop. After which I assume Juliette will sell "internet-of-things".

Stan and Carl ask me what I ``recommend``.I remember what my Dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to tell me, `Gloria but careful what you cook because sometimes you need to eat it`.

This week I have a ``one on one`` with Juliette.

I love the term ``one on one``. 

When do managers need a coach

HR as platform for creativity

Our Friday management meeting was semi wow. 

Comrade Carl Marks, R&D chief had been asked to make a presentation vis a vis (French) the "road map to product stability".Our new product has 400,087 known bugs, most of them impact client revenue. As a result, even though we have big data, we have insufficient sales.

Comrade Carl started with his presentation with the claim: "Youb tvou mat, the product is pearl, Stan. The question is why are we not selling it, kibinimat." 

I have picked up some Russian and that expression means that Comrade Carl and Stan's late mother engaged, as it were, in some hanky panky.

Then Comrade Carl lashed out at Sales Chief Juliette Caesar: "Suka, you cannot sell an iced lemonade on the beach during a hot day".

The word "suka" refers to a female dog, as it were. I have no background Russian, but Comrade Carl's insistence in swearing on Russian has me adapting, as it were. (I am Canadian, 3/4 English and 1/4 French)

Then Comrade Carl took at a 23 slide power point slide show about "How HR blocks creativity". He mentioned that "I love Gloria as a person and she has great legs, but nevertheless..."

Comrade Carl, obviously inebriated, said that "HR has done everything it can to block creativity. All the wrong people are in the wrong roles, except in R&D."

Comrade Carl ended his speech with, "We need a union to protect our staff from more senseless downsizing; we need IT to take over HR and mechanize HR on a cloud-and we need to be a people company".

His final slide was: Vote Comrade Carl Marks. There was a picture on the slide of Comrade Carl shaking hands with some people in Bangalore.

"Comrade Carl is heading downhill, "said CEO Stan. "Get him a coach".

Useless hearsay vrs bigdata-what impacts Sales performance

Paltry?

Chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks lurched into my office today, huffing, puffing and cursing in Russian. "Kibinimat, did you read the email from Juliette Caesar"?

Juliette is the Head of Sales. Her "numbers" this quarter are "as poor as a church mouse", as my dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to say.

I opened my PC and read her email, which was far too long (over 100 words);  it violated our b brief policy.

"The major factors impacting the poor sales results are 

• 307,989 revenue impacting software bugs, 
• poor documentation, 
• products lack perceived added value, 
• poor reviews in domain literature, 
• attitude problems of the R&D manager Comrade Carl Marks who insists on feigning a Russian accent, 
• lack of linguistic skills of the customer service staff, 
• constantly changing specs for the next release." 

Juliette added: "The paltry sum our sales team receives is the cherry on top of the cake. The HR EVP, Gloria Ramsbottom, appears to be a mindless clerk focused on her own power."

I never knew that Juliette had such observation skills. 

Imho, Juliette will be "down for the count" before our Christmas party, which the Chinese, Jews and Muslims will attend, as per our global company diversity policy.

Dad used to watch Friday Night Boxing, piped in by cable TV from the States. I would always hear him yell, "Christ, he's down for the count, tabernac".

What is clear to me is that Ms Caesar did use some big data to make her argument, but she also used some useless hear say, as it were.

My suggestion to Ms Caesar and her mainly white and perfect English speaking team sales team will be to listen to a webinar on the power of positive attitude and spread some positive vibes around. 

That`s what my coach says to me all the time.

He used to pump gas.

I am hiring an OD vendor for an offsite

Our senior management team is once again going off site for a one day brainstorming session  on "aligning with success". I am looking for an OD vendor.

The context of the offsite is yet another semi wow quarter, the non wow acceptance of our last software updates, the "ambiguous rescheduling" of our next release, and the prolonged captivity of our CEO by the Bank, following cash flow related "issues".

CEO Stan (who will be released by the bank for the offsite)  has asked that the offsite be wow wow wow. 

The OD vendor that we will commission should respect and grovel to SVP HR Gloria Ramsbottom. Furthermore, we are looking for a vendor who is:

1. practical (we want 10 action items)
2. global
3. sustainable
4. in line with our core values, whatever that means
5. flexible, especially in payment terms
6. built to last (until Stan retires)
7. leverage big data
8. civil
9. mellow and positive
10. high impact yet low key
11. fun fun fun
12. popular (average score of 9.8 out of 10) on summary sheet 

The vendor should speak English with a proper British accent, or at least without an Russian or Thai accent, in lines with respecting "most" minorities.

Please contact gloria.ramsbottom@gmail.com

Follow me @GRamsbottom

The difference between coaching and consulting

                                                                             Mais oui!

Here is our quarterly directive to our Coaching and OD vendors. 

As per this directive, we may hire either coaches, or consultants. Please apply accordingly.

A) What is a coach and what is a consultant?

1. A coach deals with individuals. He/she is positive. He sets goals. Life is beautiful.
2. A consultant deals with irrelevant issues like processes, alignment and undermining HR.He/she sees problems everywhere.

1. A coach studied coaching, and perhaps carpentry and flower arrangement.
2. Consultants studied psychology, sociology and even community organizing. Some even studied organizational behaviour, which is absurd. Organizations roll profit, for heaven sake.  They do not behave!

1. Coaches use words like "sustainable and agile" all the time. They stopped using the words "TQM and re engineering."
2. Consultants use fewer buzzwords, because many of them have no work. However, consultants use the term big data but few know what it means.

1. HR uses the words "coach" and "consultant" consistently. HR detests both professions, as it were. Because HR business partnership provides answers for all needs.
2. Coaches and consultants use whichever term they need to, for heaven sake.

1. Coaches spell the work censor, as in "satire should be censored as part of HR police-Y."
2. Consultants claim that they are sensors, while HR is looking for censors, for heaven sake. 

B) Fees:

Our coaching/consulting fee is as follows: you will pay us $50 USD per each tender you submit, in the framework of HR as a business, partner.

Services we recruit are pro bono, which is not French.