Wednesday 14 August 2013

Dear Gloria Service: An HR Global Center of Excellence established

I am a thought leader in HR axe-cellence

HR managers from all over the globe have been texting me questions, ever since I was recognized as a center of excellence.  In the spirit of transparency and big data, I want to share my input to my confreres, which is a French word for colleagues. 

1) Sophia Josephina Fernández Martínez Sánchez from Madrid (which is in Spain) texts:

"Our CEO Stano thinks people are spare parts. What can do? I want to be his business partner yet I also want to maintain my credibilidad." SJFS

Dear Sophie,

1) Shorten your name, for heaven sake!
2) Organize some outdoor training and a cooking class, with a cost effective vendor.
3) Update your mission statement to "people is our middle name"......the problem with those long Spanish names is that we do not know where the middle is. Gloria

2) Rivka Shadmi from Tel Aviv (Israel) texts:

US based HQ is asking us to be more inclusive and diverse. The problem is we are too diverse and fragmented to  begin with, and in the dining room, people speak Russian, Hebrew, Arabic and French, and produce products with no documentation.

What can I do? We have an audit next week when the Yanks arrive!

Dear Rivka,

1) I would fire you immediately.  English Only police-y is a cornerstone of global HR and you are negligent for letting things slip.
2) Now to be practical:  Institute an "English Only" police-y starting today and when the audit arrives, loosen up and let people speak tribal languages at lunch.
BTW, CEO Stan's chef, K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein has an uncle living in Netanya.

3) Jacqueline Dikledi de Villiers from Johannesburg texts

How can I leverage knowledge management to reduce our headcount?

Dear Jacky,

I sent Ms Cynthia Axe for a 2 day course on knowledge management and beheading. The course is axe pensive but very global, and sustainable. Do you have a visa to Eye-Raq? 
Is there anyone in your organization who is old enough to remember necklacing? You could train them in that knowledge management" piece".

4) Svetlana Stachanovith Ivanovitch Rabinovitz from Russia texts: 

Our CEO from the UK is visiting next week and no one speaks English. We all speak Russian.

Dear Irina,
How did you all get hired? NO ONE speaks Russian except Russians. NO ONE USES RUSSIAN for business, except the Israeli Foreign Ministry.

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