HR makes Planning Fairer & More Robust

Was planning fair? j'men callice...until today

Stan texted me this AM: "Glo, no one plans better than the Germans; drop by my office". 

Background:  

Wifey read an article in a German newspaper Junge Welt, which claimed that workers worldwide are being mis-treated; yearly goals are too rigid and un-doable; the worker gets "screwed", says the article, which was translated to English. (I do not speak German, but I have mastered French). 
(The word screwed is not considered global in our company.)

I cannot understand why Wifey reads newpapers in German! Only Austrians and Germans speak German, as well as a few people in Haifa, which is a city near Munich, Austria.

The Task:

Stan has asked me to make our planning process more "robust, sustainable and fair". 
Stan told me that he needs to show Wifey how "considerate" our planning process is, by the end of this week.

My Initial Thoughts:

For heaven sake-why is HR tasked with this task?
Was this not the role for planning and control chief, Hans Schäfer, who joined the Early Bird Retirement Plan last quarter, a victim of the over zealous Cynthia Axe?

Why are there two dots over the "a"? Is this global?

My Plan:

1-At the end of each year, all goals and MBO's will be "retrofit."
2-Performance criteria will be set for the following year, without goals.
3-Compensation will be linked 10% to last year's goals and 10% to next years' goals. 80% will be discretionary.
4-This entire global  process will be given to Cynthia Axe to administer. This may boast her "sagging" popularity. Ms Axe heads our semi Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan.
5-Employees who show poor motivation, or read articles about big data all day, or are poor team players, will get an extra set of stretch goals, but NO plan how to make it happen. They will need to 'manage themselves".

Stan texted me: "Gr8 Glo; shake a leg and get this done by the weekend."